The blank canvas that would serve as the centerpiece for your upcoming exhibit remained blank no matter how many times you looked at it.  You never expected it to paint itself by merely staring at it, but you at least thought you would get a vision of what it would look like.  Every idea you had just didn’t go right with the concept, something just didn’t feel right.  Most of them felt forced if not lacking.  It was as if inspiration has just abandoned you completely.  So you decide to set down the paintbrush that you’ve held on for several hours now and take refuge at the coffee shop for a much needed break.

It was a clear bright day, perfect for a warm cup of coffee and a snack.  It was the typical laze around type of day and you have resolved to do just that.  You ordered your regular coffee and a warm bagel with cottage cheese and walked over to the self-service stand for your sugar and milk.  Just as you were about to pour the milk in, a pair of hands closed over your eyes making you stomp down hard on the person behind you.

“!  It’s me.”  A bellowing voice came from behind.

You whirled around to see Nichkhun massaging his throbbing foot.  “Nichkhun?  What are you doing here?”

“Why would you stomp on someone’s foot?”  He leaned against the stand.

“I was surprised.  You grabbed me out of nowhere.”

“Did you have to do it so hard?”  His brows came together as pain covered his face.

“I didn’t know it was you.”  You felt sorry for your mistake, but didn’t want to encourage him to stay.  Besides, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to get you some coffee before I drop by your studio.  I didn’t want to come empty handed.”  He said with a smile as he waggled his eyebrows.  There were about several women seated in the coffee shop who were intently watching the two of you converse – well, staring mostly at Nichkhun.  “I told you yesterday I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“Shhh…You’re attracting attention.”  You grabbed him by the arm and pulled him to a corner table.  “You can’t just come here and be here and be like that and make me like this.”  You stated so poorly that even you yourself couldn’t understand what you meant.

“What?”  Nichkhun asked with a chuckle.  “You still look cute when you babble.”

“Flattery wouldn’t get you anywhere.”  You shook your head at him.

“Then what will?”  His brows flew to form a confused V in the middle of his forehead.

“You can’t just show up and treat things like nothing happened.  I already told you, I’m not leaving Jack for you.  That’s just not happening.”  You rubbed your forehead with your hand.  This was supposed to be a break, a time to laze around for a while, but instead you seem to be stuck in a conversation you find yourself unwilling to leave until resolved and understood.

There was a long pause.  “I was wrong to leave you before.  I was wrong to let you leave me.  I ed up and was too scared to fix it right away.  The longer it got, the harder it became to make a move.”  He drops his head with a sigh.  “You said so yourself-“  He looked up through his lashes.  “you still love me.  So I beg you, I’d go down on my knees if I have to, just don’t close your door to a wonderful future we could have because of our past mistakes.”

“We learned from those mistakes Khun.  We learn what hurts and we avoid it.   And I learned that you’re the only one person who can hurt me as much, so I’m avoiding that…I’m avoiding you.”  You paused as your pulse fluttered as you gaze upon Nichkhun’s eyes.

“I’m not gonna hurt you…not again.”  He reached out his hand to touch yours.

“But I will.”  You lifted your face to look at him as you released your hand from his hold.  “And I’m not going to drag Jack into that same amount of pain.  I’ve moved on Khun.  I’m happy with Jack.  He makes me happy.  He makes me feel safe.  Why can’t you just leave me alone and be happy for me?”  Your voice started to catch in your throat as you found it hard to meet his eyes.

“Because…”  He ran his fingers through his hair.

“Because what?”

“Because I know as well as you do that the only time we both had that moments of perfection in our lives was when we were together.”  Nichkhun rubbed his fingers against his mouth.  “I can’t be happy for you because I know you’re not truly happy with Jack.”

You leaned back with your eyes blinking.  “But I am.”

“No you’re not.”  Nichkhun had that smile, like he knew more than you do, like he was pitying you somehow as he shook his head.  “You might think that by convincing everyone around you including yourself that you’re happy and in love with Jack, that it might be true and that you’re fooling everyone.  But not me and from what I gather last night, it seems you’re not fooling Jack either into believing.”

The color flared in your cheeks as a scowl appeared in your face.  You had nothing to say in return.  You felt caught with the truth, but it was a defeat you couldn’t admit.  So you gestured for him to leave, pointing to the door without looking at him.

“Alright.  Alright.”  Nichkhun stood up with a smile.  “I’ll go…but I’ll be back for you.  I’ll be back for you every single day until you’re ready to accept the truth that it’s me that you need.”

He looked around to make sure no one was watching and then he leaned in for a quick kiss on the cheek.  “I won’t give up this time.”

----

Several hours later and you finally made it back home.  You have finally given up on the idea of ever starting the painting within this day.  Besides it is only a couple more hours before the next day starts.  So the blank canvas would remain blank as it was for today.  You found yourself now more confused and bothered than when you first started.  Deep inside, you knew Nichkhun was right, but you’ll never admit to it.  You just can’t.

You cursed as you open the door to your apartment and realized you have left the lights on all day.  You kicked the door shut behind you and started to the living room where you surprisingly found Jack sitting calmly on your couch, drumming his fingers on the arm rest as he looked at you up and down with a serious gaze.  “Where have you been?”