You said, “I can’t.” in a soft pained tone that made him hush you down as he gently covered your eyes with his strong hand.  Hoping that in doing so you might forget…he might forget and that this dream will continue on for as long as it could.  He wasn’t ready to wake up just yet and disappointedly find you gone once again….and to be honest…neither were you.

In contrast to the impassioned feelings that burned early this morning, the hours after that was amazingly peaceful as you and Nichkhun decided to spend it curled around each other in your considerable-sized soft taupe colored couch in the studio.  There were stories shared about the past that you both went through together, stories about the time you spent apart, what happened to what and to who.  In those hours, the room was filled with laughter and giggles that you both seem to naturally elicit every time you were together.  But behind all those, you could see the questions racing through his eyes, about a thousand questions that could equal yours hang in the air, with both unwilling to voice out any.  When you talked, neither one of you brought up the present or the future.  You both simply ignored everything that fell outside the box of the past.

You know you are going to regret this and all that happened a while ago the moment you face what is real and what is now.  Nichkhun prayed that this newly reclaimed togetherness would not end.  You both know that it’s impossible, but you’re willing to pretend with him that this pretense could be real…at least for the moment while it lasted.

He held your hand close to his chest unwilling to let it go.  His fingertips the lines of veins that surface on top with feathery touches that sends tingly stimulations causing your heart rate to increase dramatically once again.  “You have no idea how much I miss this…miss you.”  He whispered as he pressed the back of your hand against his warm soft lips.

“I think I have an idea on what that feels like.”  His grin was infectious causing you to smile at him in response.  “I’m no stranger to the feeling of missing someone or something.”  Your sweet breath blew against his skin like a tidal wave that sent an overpowering sensation over him.

“I’m afraid to ask.”  He said as he looked at you, his brows coming together in the middle of his forehead.  “But whatever happened to my red suede couch?  The one in your old studio.”

“It’s not yours, it’s mine.”  You raised an eyebrow at him.  “You just happened to have used it more than I did.  Anyway, I left it there.  It’s quite old and doesn’t sit well with the concept and design of this new studio.”  The sadness in your eyes as you said those words were not more than his upon hearing your reply.  “That happens you know.  You let go of the past and move on to the present to ensure a brighter future.”  You tried to wriggle your body out of his grasp and sit up.

“It doesn’t always have to be that way, you know.”  Nichkhun caught a lock of your hair just in time to tug you back down and let you settle back on his arm taking you by surprise and making you both laugh like crazy.

You smiled as you looked at him and flicked your finger on his forehead as revenge.  “But it does.”

Nichkhun then lies on his side and went up on his elbow to begin to rest his head on his hand to look at your face.  Your eyes quickly moved to his eyes and still you have to agree hands down that his is still the most beautiful pair you have ever seen.  They were so intriguing to look at.  It looked so innocent and yet it seems as if it could pierce right into your soul.  “I know I’ll regret this, but tell me about this new one that you have.”

“Why?”  Your eyes twitched to the side to look at him, trying to figure out what he was exactly doing.

“Just so I know what I’m up against.”  A confident expression colored his face as his response made your heart gallop and caused your cheeks to heat up furiously.

“You’re not up against anyone.”  You shake your head as you rolled over on your back and stared at the glass sunroof that showed off the bluest sky.  “He’s my present and you’re my past.  Those two won’t meet and can’t meet…ever.”

“I could still be your future.”  He had a reassured smile as he winks at you, knowing he was being ridiculous on his own, his ears flushed red in embarrassment.

“Jack.”  You said your boyfriend’s name to try not to give Nichkhun anymore false hopes.  “What do I tell you about Jack?”  At that moment you searched your mind for what to tell your ex-boyfriend about your current and best boyfriend you have.  “Jack is a wonderful guy.  We have been together for about a year and a half, actually almost two years.  We get along really well, extremely well.  He owns this private art gallery in the city, which primarily displays modern art.  So, I guess you could say we have a lot of similarities, art, coffee, literature, leisure, time, everything.  We basically want the same things and dislike the same things.  We even have the same amount of time to waste.”

“So, let me get this straight.  You like him because he’s the mirror image of you?”  His nose crinkled.

“No.”  You sighed as you threaded your fingers through his hair.  “I fell in love with Jack because he managed to repair my broken circuits to keep me working after we fell apart.  He poured his love on me like sweet honey to remove all the bitterness you have left me with.  Isn’t that enough reason for me too fall in love with him?”

Nichkhun’s arm tightened around you.  He hated the slightly wistful tone in your voice as you talked about Jack and how greatly you felt about him.  And he abhors the idea that it was him who might have led you towards that man because of how you felt after the breakup.  He let out a deep sigh as he rested his forehead against yours.  And then silence … that lasted for a few more minutes that seemed like an eternity for you and Nichkhun both.

That was your cue.  It’s time for you and him to finally wake up from this dream and face reality.  You sat up quickly and swung your legs over to the side of the couch and had your back to him.  The rigid set of your shoulders made it obvious to NIchkhun what was going on.  “Jack has always been warm and kind and honest and he was patient with me, he loved me and waited for me to heal.  I’m sorry Khun.  You were the love of my life, but I love Jack…now.”  You were blunt and impassive as you stood up running your fingers through your hair, desperately trying to fix it along with the thoughts in your head.

---

That night, Nichkhun sat on his bed, left with nothing but your scent on his clothes and in his memory.  He kept flashing back to that morning.  He kept on wondering if there was something he could have said or done differently to have made you stay by his side.  To have made you choose to stay with him instead of with Jack.  It was like it was happening once again, his life breaking and shattering all to dust right before his eyes for a second time.  The anger of seeing you walk away from him and knowing that you were heading off to be with another man tore at him.  Even though he knew that you love him, you were still someone he couldn’t possess, he couldn’t keep.  He’s being selfish and he knows that very well, but as tears welled up from his eyes and his rage increasing notch by notch to the highest level and his frustration eats him up, he knew he had to have you, he needs to have you in any way possible.

----

It was wrong.  That’s all you know at this moment.  That everything about this morning was wrong.  Your brain was floating in utter confusion as you thought back to the choices you made with Nichkhun a few hours ago.  You felt a pang of guilt eat you up inside as you thought more about what you did.

You took two Advils to alleviate the headache you were feeling.  Your head felt like it was being crushed to a pulp as thoughts just come rushing in and out your head.  It was all too much for you to take at the moment and the guilt that you were feeling was just too heavy for you to bear.

You sat on the red suede couch in your bedroom, leaning back and draping your arm over your eyes.  After a few minutes you heard the click of the door unlocking.

“Hi baby.”  Jack said sitting down beside you and kissing your forehead.  “Headache?”

“Uhm.”  You took your arm down to look at him.

“That bad?”  He shot you with a look of concern as he touched his palm to your forehead.

“Better now that you’re here.”  You scooted yourself over to him.

“I love you baby.”  Jack pulls you softly to his chest, wrapping you tightly in his arms as he continues to plant soft kisses on your head.

“Sorry.”  You whispered against his chest.