The heavens had started to rain heavily and you hadn’t brought an umbrella with you.  The rain pouring down washed away the make-up that had been on your face while your drenched white shirt clung to your body making it almost completely transparent.  You could feel the road press into the balls of your feet as you continued walking down the street in your flats, everything suddenly weighing a lot heavier than it normally does.  Jumbled feelings swam in your mind and guilt drowned your heart.  Is this the heaven’s way of telling you how disappointed it is of you?  You toss back over your shoulder your dripping wet hair as the rain continued to wash your tears.  You could hear that irritatingly annoying voice inside your head, shouting at you at how badly you screwed everything up this time.

It has been three days since you cheated on Jack with Nichkhun.  Three days of avoiding and ignoring calls and messages from an ex-boyfriend you just want to forget.  Three days of not having to look at your boyfriend in the eyes the same way.  You realize it hurts when you can’t face people the same way, but what hurts the most is when you can’t even face yourself anymore.

You entered Jack’s place, took off your shoes and shut the door behind you.  Walking down the hallway in slow steps you heard him call out to you in a cheerful tone.  “Is that you baby?”

“Jack?”  Your voice trembled as tears began to bubble up once again.

“In the kitchen darling.”

You stood frozen where you are, dripping wet and unbelievably cold.  His voice alone was making your skin crawl.  It was fear and shame all rolled into one.  Suddenly this place didn’t feel like home anymore.  Everything felt too tight, suffocating.  You couldn’t face him, not anymore, not after what you did.  But you have decided to come clean and confess even if it meant him breaking up with you.

Jack came to you after a minute or two of waiting for you to walk in to the kitchen.  “Baby?  What’s wrong?”  His eyes filled with concern and confusion as he grabs a towel to dry you up.

“I’m sorry Jack.”  Your voice came out as a whisper as he dries your hair covering you with a towel.  Your body trembling as you gripped tightly at his shirt, keeping your eyes low.

“Don’t worry.  I’ll get the floor dry soon enough.”  He smiled and tipped your face up so he could see you.  “Now what possessed my baby girl to get drenched in the rain?”

“You’ll hate me.”  You met his eyes and it took every ounce of your strength to hold back your tears.  Your eyes fluttering as your chin started to quiver.

He took a deep breath and ran his fingers through your hair.  “I will never hate you.”  Jack’s voice was reassuring.  “Come here.”  He pulled you close to him in a tight embrace not minding the dampness.  “What’s going on with you?  You’ve been…different this past couple of days.  At first, I just thought the exhibit must be getting to you, but then…I don’t know…somehow I feel something’s changed and it scares me to know what did.”

You took a deep breath letting the scent of him fill you with the memories of your times together.  He has always been kind and warm, something that seems to come too natural for him.  The sound of his heart and the steady motion of his chest could always soothe you like an ocean.  You held him closer to you, wishing that through some magic maybe the closer you kept him to you now would lessen the distance he would seek from you when you tell him the truth.  There was that fear in you that this might be the last time you can be this close to him.  If you tell him, would he understand?  If you tell him, will he still hold on to you?

You painfully let go of him, slowly stepping back away from his embrace.  “The other day, I bumped into my ex.  No, actually, we bumped into each other a couple of times.  We got to talking and -”

“And what?”  Jack cuts you off, took a deep breath and narrowed his eyes at you as he crosses his arms over his chest.  “You realized you still have feelings for each other?”

“And I had with him.”

There was that shocked look on Jack’s face, it was more of confusion than anger, but you could clearly see the pain in his eyes.  He took two steps back as he scratched the back of his head.  His knees seemingly giving away that he needed to sit on the overstuffed leather chair behind him.

“I’m sorry Jack.”  You burst into tears as he refused to meet your eyes.  “I wish I could give you a reason a reasonable, sound explanation, but everything I say would only sound as an excuse.  And you don’t deserve excuses.  You deserve the truth.”

He was silent for a while as you waited for him to look your way.  “I… am I not enough for you?”

“It’s not that.  It’s not you.”  You shook your head as you stared at him suffer in the pain you poured on him.

“It’s not me?  Because, it was never me to begin with, was it?”  He rubbed his eyes with both hands.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  You murmured.  “You have to know that.”

He let out a deep breath and finally looked at you.  “I don’t know what to say.  I don’t even know what it is I am supposed to know anymore.  And I don’t know if this is something I can just overlook and toss under the bridge.  I trusted you.  I loved you.”  His palms massaged the back of his neck as he spitted one past tense after another.  You tried to take a step closer to him, but he instantly just backed away on his chair and you felt the ache as he moved from you.  “Right now I don’t even know if I…” 

“I know.”  You didn’t have to hear the rest of it.  You nodded your head.

There it was.  It was over.

He called your name softly and yet with so much force that you already knew what was coming after that.  You felt you should just leave him and spare him the difficulty of breaking up with you.  He was too magnanimous for all that.  You made yourself smile at him with tears flowing down your cheeks.  “You’re right.  I know.  You don’t need to throw me out or anything.  You don’t even have to say anything.  I understand.  I already knew what the consequences of my actions are.  So I’m just gonna go grab my shoes and be out of here.  I’m sorry Jack, I really am, for hurting you, for causing you so much pain, for everything, even for the wet floor.”

You headed back down the hall until you reached the door, but paused as your hand touched the latch.  Deep inside you, you were hoping he would call you back, but he didn’t.  So you flung open the door and took a breath to smell the rain as you prepared yourself to go back out.  You were about to leave when you felt a hand grip your shoulder stopping you from moving.

“Why?”  Jack asked as he turned you to face him.

“I wish I knew how to answer that.”  You covered your mouth with your hand to stifle the shattered sob that came after.

You felt his fingers digging on your shoulder.  “What did I do wrong?”

“Nothing.”  You shook your head at him.  “This was all me.”

“Who was it?”  You could feel the anger in his voice.  Something you have never heard from him before.  You chose to remain silent and it angered him more.  “I loved you.  I do love you.”  His tears started to fall as he shoved his hands in his pockets letting you go.  You know your shoulders will bruise with how he held you, but it didn’t even compare to the bruises you left in his heart.

“I know.”  You nodded as you eyed his hands that you wanted to stay on you regardless of how much pain it brought.  “But love doesn’t always fix everything, does it?  You love me, but that doesn’t mean you can forgive me.  Can you ever forgive me?”  You wish he could, but the chances as you know were slim to none.

A deep sigh escaped from between his lips as he looked past you into the rain.  He wanted to avoid answering your question by all means.  “Let me at least give you a ride home.  It’s raining too hard out there.”

You hugged him and took one last inhale of his familiar scent and then stepped back to give him one last smile.  “I need the rain…and the walk.”

“Nonsense.  Wait here, I’ll get my keys.”  As soon as Jack turned around, you went back out into the rain, letting it fall all over you.  It hides your tears perfectly.

You caught a cab home, silently sitting at the backseat you stared out the window at the gray sky.  Rain has spattered over the window and you watched the drops slide down the glass.  It momentarily distracted you from having to feel the numbing pain that ran throughout your body.  Just then your phone rang and a picture of Jack flashed on your phone’s screen.  You were tempted to just let it go to voicemail, but somehow you couldn’t.

Your voice shook as you answered his call.  “Jack?”

“Where are you?”  His voice was rough on the line.

“Don’t worry, I caught a cab.”  You tried to stifle your sobs.

“Come home.”

“I’m on my way home.”

“No, I mean – turn the cab around and come home to me.”

You rubbed away the tears that were threatening to fall as you felt yourself choke on a lump in your throat.  “You can’t even look at me anymore.”

He couldn’t even get his voice go above a whisper.  “I can’t bear the thought of never seeing you again.”

“Jack – “

“Come home to me or I’m coming after you.  We’re going to get through this together.  You and me, together.”

“Don’t do this.”  You scrubbed at your face and turned to face the window, restraining yourself from going back.  “Don’t be so kind.  It makes me feel even worse.”

“Do you still love him?”

Your hands trembled as you fought to spit out the words.  “I don’t think I ever stopped.  He was a big part of my life and I just – “

“Do you love me?”

“I do.”

“Then come back home to me.  Please baby.”  He pleads.  “Just get that cab to turn around.”

“I did you wrong.  How could you take me back when I did you wrong?  How can you take me back when I’ve been with another man?”

“Because I love you.  You make my life so much better that I don’t know anymore how to be without you.  I know we can’t fix everything right now right away.  But we should at least try.”

“Jack –“

“I’m not letting you go baby.  I won’t be the ex who just let you go.”