o5

She wanted to run into him. She wanted to talk to him. She wanted to listen to his voice. She wanted to be the only one that was given those smile.

But she knew it was beyond impossible.

“It’s Bang Yongguk?” Hana made sure.

Jieun slowly nodded. Didn’t want to really show her affection towards that guy.

Everyone was calling his name, asking about his current job since he’s just disappeared as soon as they graduated from high school. Sure he was being loved among the students for his friendly attitude and the fact that he was a soccer team member. But no matter how hard she tried to just consider him as an old friend, she eventually ended up wondering a million thing inside her mind.

She wanted to talk to him—as much as she wanted to avoid his gaze.

“Are you going to greet him?” Hana asked, little did she realized Jieun’s confusion.

Jieun forced a smile. “I have nothing to say.”

Yes. What did she want to say, seriously? She didn’t have any reason to confront him or to ask for his promise. She was the one that decided to leave and that should be the final. There’s nothing left between them.

“Alright! Now that everybody has arrived, let’s gather on the center of the room please,” said Daehyun, their former class monitor, loudly through the microphone.

Jieun didn’t feel like go there but Hana pulled her by the arm, stating that it was a reunion day which just happened once after years. She ended up standing between the crowds, wasn’t aware that Junhong was standing about two metres away, staring at her through his dark gaze.

“It has been eight years since we left high school and believe it or not, we could invite everyone after such a hard work! Please give a loud applause to me,” Daehyun blabbered with a huge smile, before clapping his own hands to make everyone followed.

“He’s still this silly? Doesn’t he upgrade his integrity even just a little?” Hana joked, didn’t want to clap her hands.

Jieun just smiled. And right when she looked at the front back, she saw Yongguk was already standing in front of her—out of a sudden. She was so sure that he was standing so far from her before but she didn’t want to believe he moved into there because of her as well. It might because of something else.

She tried to focus to only look at Daehyun on the stage but her eyes always followed every of his slight moves instead.

The way his shoulder slowly moving up and down everytime he breathe, the way he turned to the side when someone was talking to him, the way his head tilted a little when he laughed, the way he held the formal jacket on his right hand and the way he pulled up the edge of his shirt cuffs just so he could easily moved—everything.

Everything he did completely amused her.

Her eyes slowly moved to look at his shoulder—the one that she used to slightly touch when he drove her by bike to the school. And she felt her chest tightened to remember those time.

She missed him. A lot.

Too much that she was afraid—if they would suddenly spill out without her knowing.

And right after Daehyun finished the speech, Yongguk turned around—looking like peeking over his shoulder, causing Jieun to look somewhere else in panic.

“Uh, Jieun,” he called.

His deep voice ran through her ears, beautifully. And it didn’t take that long for Jieun to look at him back.

“How are you?” he smiled, now completely facing her.

Jieun knew she should have gave him an answer. But there’s something down that prevent her to make a sound. Her mind went blank for a second—or actually, not kind of emptiness. It was rather reminding her of the past, just like how he used to talk to her with that kind of smile on his face.

“Are you doing good?” he asked again.

“I’m fine,” she muttered, finally getting back into the present.

“It’s good,” he smiled. But somehow, it’s a little different from before.

Soon, they trapped into silence—an empty one, without burdening nor comforting feels but Jieun knew she might lose her last chance if she didn’t use it now. She had to tell him everything that she felt all this time, something that she couldn’t spill into words for years. Something that was keep haunting her like a shadow.

“How about you?” Jieun asked, hesitantly.

Yongguk’s eyes lightened up a little to hear her question but quickly covered them with a thin smile.

“I’m fine. So fine,” he replied.

Fine? Jieun didn’t think so.

There’s something different about him. She could tell it.

“Are you—happy?” she wondered.

And his smile slowly faded away, replaced with a cold stare from a pair of his clouded eyes and face that got slightly stiffed.

That was when Jieun began to wonder why.

What happened?

“Jieunnie,”

Jieun turned, a little surprised to see Junhong was already standing by her side. A sudden anxiety was crashing her mind to wonder whether he heard something from their talk—that’s although contained nothing but probably meant a lot for him.

“Let’s go home,” he said, emphasizing on the word “home” that causing Yongguk to move back a little.

“Yeah,” she muttered, before looked at Yongguk back. “Bye.”

Jieun saw Yongguk was smiling and nod his head once as an answer but Junhong already grabbed her hand and softly pulled her away before she could say something more. She turned, following Junhong’s steps to walk farther from where Yongguk stood as knowing that she shouldn’t have talked to him at the first place.

Because in the end, it just made her missed him even more.

“Jieun-ah,” Yongguk called.

And Jieun quickly turned her head, finding that Yongguk was still standing where he was with a smile hanging on his dashing face, looking straight into her direction. Somehow make her felt like there’s only her inside of his eyesight.

Inside of his empty scale.

“Yes, I am.”

If there’s an option between choosing to live the way he want or to live the way he should—Yongguk probably choose the second one.

He didn’t even understand what was his aiming for life. Making everyone around him happy? Taking all of his responsibility? Chasing after his dreams? Fighting over the one he loved?

He didn’t know.

The only thing that he truly understood was—his happiness didn’t really matter anymore.

But then she asked him that question, which making him to walk through confusion and doubts about his own decision.

“Are you happy?”

He didn’t know. Not at all.

Even until now, that he was walking across the street and slowly stepping into the stairs—he didn’t even understand why did he have to do that.

His body was moving without the instruction from brain and he wasn’t able to take control of them as well. His feet was keep walking and walking forward, into a place that he had been using to stay since five years ago. The only place that he had to come back.

And he knew that the moment he stepped inside the room, he wasn’t himself anymore. He had to sweep everything away and pretend there’s nothing hidden inside of his heart. He had to turn into someone who could take all of the burden on his shoulder, without letting anyone to know his true feelings.

Once he came back to this place that he called as “home”—he had to forget everything and leave them behind, keeping his role as the only support that she had to rely on.

Because he knew—that she needed him more than Jieun did.

That Jieun was much stronger than her.

“I’m home.”

“Are you happy?”

“Yes, I am.”