Everything has gotten to a point where I would consider it a good normal. If my life was like this I would be totally okay with it. I am staying on top of my homework. Johnny is my friend again and I gained a friend in Chanyeol. My work is doing really well. The best part is that James’ song is going to be release at midnight tonight. And at midnight it is also his 26th birthday! On my way home from the studio working with Greg I got a little cake and some candles for it. I walk into the apartment and I see that James is just hanging out on the couch. I quietly sneak into the kitchen and put the cake in the fridge. Once it is in there I walk in and sit on the couch next to him.

“What are you watching?”

“Just a rerun of Music Bank. I recorded earlier.”

“Oh cool. That’s cool.”

I can feel James looking at me. “Are you going to stay and watch it?”

“Yeah why not? Do you not want me in here?”

“No I just thought you would be too tired. I mean you’ve been working really hard. I know I don’t really give you any days off. And on your days off you’re working with Greg.”

“I love it though. It is good to have my mind occupied over something else.”

“Well how about I give you tomorrow off?”

I look at him, “What?”

“Well I mean you deserve it. You’ve worked so hard and you haven’t really had time to go shopping and stuff like that.”

“You just want to give yourself a day off right?”

“I do have one thing I have to do in the morning and then I was thinking about taking it easy on my birthday.”

“It’s your birthday?”

“Of course it’s my birthday.” He starts pouting. “How could you forget?”

“Like you said I’ve been really busy.” He nudges me.

“Let’s hang out during the day and I have some friends getting together for dinner.”

“What if I already had plans?”

“Did you have plans?”

“No~.”

“Then just come. Chanyeol will be there and so will Johnny and JinJu.”

“No Kyung Min?”

“Definitely no Kyung Min. That guy always tries to get under my skin.”

“Well he is always a good guy to have in your corner though.”

“I won’t argue with that.”

I get up and go into the kitchen. “I’m getting some water do you want any?”

“Nah I’m good.”

When I go in I take the cake out and start lighting the candles. Once they are lit I carefully bring it into the living room. “Happy Birthday to you~.” James turns around and starts smiling.

“What?!”

“Happy birthday to you~. Happy Birthday dear James. Happy Birthday to you!”

James stands up and walks over. “I was not expecting this.”

“Make a wish before wax gets on your cake.” James closes his eyes and blows out the candles. “I’ll cut you a piece.”

“Don’t I get the first cut?”

“Oh I’m sorry birthday boy.” We go into the kitchen and James makes the first cut. “Woo Hoo!” I take some icing off of the cake and put it on James’ nose.

“Ya!”

“I couldn’t resist.” He takes some and puts it on my nose.

“Now we are even.”

“True true. I should have seen it coming.” We laugh how hilarious the others look and we each get a little plate of birthday cake.

“Oh Taeyeon’s music video is out now. Should we check it out?”

“Yeah I want to see how it looks.”

James sits on the couch and opens his laptop. “You don’t want to know how it sounds.”

“I’ve been helping you with the mixing for iTunes, for the music shows, for when she has to sing it completely live. I have heard this song enough times to know when she takes in her breathes.”

“Okay I get it. Let’s watch it.” James gets to the SM YouTube page and finds the video. “There it is.” He clicks on it and we watch it from begin to end. The visuals match the tone of the song really well. I am very proud of James. He felt like he was losing his place in SM since Greg has been given the title tracks for the last couple of comebacks. And this song shows that he has not lost his touch.

“This is going to win some awards.”

“Hopefully we will win some music shows. I mean it’s Taeyeon so she will have her fans and the Girls Generation fans behind her.”

“I mean like MaMa Awards. This is going to garnish a lot of attention.”

“You really think so?”

“I know so.”

“Well it is getting late and we have a lot to do in the morning. Why don’t you go to bed?”

“Okay.” I get up and bring the plates into the kitchen. Before I go to my room and give James one more hug. “Happy Birthday big bro.”

“Aye don’t get sappy on me now, but thanks.” I smile and go into my room and sleep until the morning comes.

 

I wake up to the sound of James banging around. “Wake up! Wake up sleepy head!” I put my head under the pillow and wish that this was some horrible dream. I hear my door open and the banging gets increasingly louder. “It’s my birthday! We got a lot to do!” I felt cold all of the sudden as I feel my hand around I notice that he took my blanket off and I groan. “Hey you are the one that said you would hang out with me today. And since it is my birthday that means we get to do whatever I say.” I really regret what I said before going to bed now.

“5 more minutes?”

“If you are not up in 5 minutes I will wake you up with force.”

“What force?”

“You’ll see.” I hear James leave and I take my head out from under the pillow. I am about to try and go back to sleep when I hear James roaming around in the freezer and moving some ice around. No he wouldn’t. When James’ family and mine would go on joint family trips he saw that when I couldn’t get up my mom would put ice down my underwear to wake me up.

I spring up and start yelling, “I’m up! I’m up! Don’t you dare!”

“I knew you would wake up on your own.” He grins and closes the door. “Now get dress. We have a lot to do.”

“Soak it in. This is the only day during the year I will let you get away with this crap.”

“Is that how you talk to your boss?”

“You’re not my boss today. You’re my annoying older brother today.”

“Well come on hurry up.”

“Aye aye captain.” I close the door and begin to get dress. Once I am dress I walk out of the room with my purse and James is standing right there. “Jesus James! Don’t scare me like that.”

“Come on let’s go!” He starts walking to the door.

“Aren’t we going to have breakfast?”

“If you were up earlier you would of had breakfast with me. Now come on the day is young and so am I.”

“What?” James didn’t reply and I just follow him with out arguing anymore. We went down to Hongdae where James did some shopping. The clothes there are very edgy and also very cheap. Some stores I just barely fit into their clothes and others I just knew better than to try on the stuff. I am not that big by American standards but I am almost there on the Asian scale. James looks like he is having a fun time. After shopping for a while we go to a Korean barbecue restaurant and James knows the owner there. We sit down and we go over what we got. Obviously he has more bags than me since he can fit into the clothes.

He looks at me confusingly. “Where are the rest of your bags?”

“These are all of my bags.”

“I don’t see anything from MonkeyPop.”

“That’s cause I don’t fit in anything from there.”

“Oh come on.”

“I’m serious. The female sizes run a lot smaller than you think.”

“Well after we eat I want to focus on you getting some more stuff.”

“Come on. It’s your birthday.”

“And I get to pick what I want to do. And I will be paying for it, no arguing.”

“James!”

“Come on lets eat before this food burns. And you must be hungry since you didn’t eat this morning.” I pout and start eating the food.

“Be very lucky that it is your birthday today.”

“I am lucky. Since I can finally celebrate it in Korea with one of my best friends.”

“Stop being sappy or I am going to eat all of this meat.” James smiles and starts eating with me. When we finish eating James suggest that we go to Itaewon for shopping. Since it is suppose to be more of a foreigner haven maybe they will have clothes in bigger sizes. Itaewon was a great choice. I was able to find a couple of pieces that I really like and I can wear them back at home too. I even got an outfit to wear that night. “What are we doing tonight anyways? You never told me.”

“Well we are first going to have a big dinner with a bunch of my friends in the business at the place where we ate lunch. I wanted to go there so I could confirm everything with the owner. Afterwards we are going upstairs there because the 3rd floor is a karaoke place. And I just want it to be a night where no one has to be worried about being perfect when performing. Just everyone hanging out and having a good time. And I know alcohol can trigger your anxiety attacks so if you don’t really drink I will understand.”

“I’ve been doing really well lately with my therapist. I will drink a bit, but don’t expect me to get black out drunk. Someone needs to take care of you after all.”

“You really are the best little sister I wish I had.” We finish shopping and head back to the apartment to rest and then get ready for the night. Johnny sent me a text message saying he couldn’t make it.

“Hey James!”

“Yeah.”

“Johnny can’t make it tonight. He says that with the controversy with Taeyong the trainees are under strict order to not do anything to taint their images. Even though he is of age he doesn’t feel comfortable going out where people will be doing a lot of drinking. He does say Happy Birthday by the way.”

“Let him know that I understand and thanks for the wishes. I guess this means we don’t have to wait for him to get here.”

“Well you will have to wait for me. I need to finish my hair and make up.”

“Geez girls.”

“Hey do you want your friends to think I am a slob.”

“No, but you don’t need to put a pound worth of makeup on your face.”

“Well I want to do it so shh.” I go back into my room and finish getting ready. I decide to wear flats since at karaoke I predict we will be doing a lot of dancing. I walk out of my room and James looks at me shocked.

“You clean up nicely.”

“Thanks. I guess.” I grab my little purse. “Ready.”

 

“Okay let’s go then.” I put my shoes on at the door and we make our way out. James had called a cab earlier so that we don’t drink and drive later. We get there and there are a couple of people there already. It was Chanyeol, Jinju seonbae-nim and someone who I slightly recognize.

“Glad you guys were able to make it. This is my friend and intern Eun Mi.” I bow to everyone. “Eun Mi this is Kim Jihyun he is a JYP artist. He goes by G. Soul. I knew him back from the states when I spent a summer in New York with the NYC JYP office. Glad you could make it. I thought you might be too busy for me.”

“Of course not. I also wanted to congrat you on your song hitting top of the charts this morning.”

“You didn’t tell me that James.”

“Really? Thought I mentioned it at some point.” I playfully glare and him and then bow to Jihyun seonbae.

“It is nice to meet you.”

Jihyun walks over to me and holds me hand and lightly kisses it. “Pleasure is all mine. I wish James here didn’t hide you away.”

“I hide her so guys like you don’t try and use her. Dude she’s like my little sister.”

“So you guys aren’t?”

“No, no of course not. She is seriously like my little sister. No offense Eun Mi.”

“No offense. I only see you as an older brother.”

“So James is it okay for me to get to know Eun Mi more?”

“Negatory. Didn’t someone from your company get kicked out for a dating scandal?”

Jihyun hisses and shuns away. “Touché. You are right. I will keep an eye on her though.”

James leans down and whispers in my ear. “Don’t accept any drinks from him.”

“Don’t worry I won’t.” Everyone starts showing up and it really is becoming a party. Obviously everyone starts toasting to James for a long life and all the other stuff. I ended up at the same table as Chanyeol and Jihyun.

Jihyun leans over to me, “Do you know how to play any drinking games?”

“Only 1. I’ve only gone out to drink once since I got here.”

Jihyun yells over to James, “How have you not taught this girl how to drink?”

“Because I don’t want my little sister to turn into a drunk like you.”

“Aye~ I can handle my alcohol.” He looks at me. “Do you want me to teach you some? Does everyone know Baskin Robins 31?” Everyone at the table says yes. Even Chanyeol says he knows it. “Want to try it?”

“Umm yeah I guess.” We start playing and during the first round I lose and end up having to take the shot. We continue with that one for a while before switching to another game. I promise myself that I wasn’t going to drink much, but at the same time I wanted to be included in what everyone was doing. Once in a while I look at James and I see that he is having a lot of fun. I know that if I have James near me than everything will be okay. After our last game we head upstairs and go into the big karaoke room that was booked for us. JinJu is the first one to perform and he performs Sistar’s Touch My Body and everyone is loving it. Some other people get up and join him in dancing. The drinking does not stop in the room. After a couple people perform Jihyun grabs the microphone and hands it to me.

“Your turn.”

“Oh no I can’t sing.”

“Come on half of these people can’t sing.”

“Don’t pressure her hyung.”

“Come on no one is pressuring her.”

“I’ll do it, but this will be my only time.”

“Deal.” I take the microphone and I select a song that has been on repeat on my playlist for a while. Zion T’s song “Eat” starts playing. I get slightly nervous, but I look over and Chanyeol gives me a little thumbs up. I nod and begin to sing. In the beginning only half of them were paying attention. By the end everyone was watching and ended giving me a big applause. “You can’t sing my . That was amazing. Have you ever thought about being an idol?”

I shake my head, “No and I don’t wish to be one.”

“Why~? You’re so good.”

“My turn.” Chanyeol takes the microphone and Jihyun pours me more alcohol. I look up and James gets up.

“Going to the bathroom I’ll be back.” I nod and take the shot with Jihyun. The party keeps going and over time some people have started heading out. Towards the end it is just who we started out with except no James.

“Where’s James?”

JinJu looks around and shrugs. “I think he said he was going to the bathroom.”

“Wasn’t that a while ago though?”

“Maybe he walked a friend home. All I know is that it is getting late and the room and drinks are all under his card so I can leave when I want to. See you guys later. Get home safely.”

“Want me to take you home Eun Mi?” Jihyun asks me as he leans against me.

“I can take her home hyung. I know where she lives.”

“I want to be the one to take precious Eun Mi home.”

“Why don’t we ask Eun Mi who she wants to take her home?”

“Okay. Eun Mi~” Jihyun hiccups. “Who do you want to take you home?” I look between the two. Even though part of me wants Jihyun to take me back James is still in the back of my head. I know it will be better if Chanyeol takes me home.

“I want Chanyeol to take me home.”

“I get it cause he is so good looking huh? Fine, but next time I’ll be the one to take you home.” He grabs my phone and starts pressing buttons. “Now you have my number and I have yours. Lets do this again. Maybe for your birthday?”

“We’ll see.” In reality I will be back in the states when my birthday rolls around.

“Let’s get you a cab hyung.” We help Jihyun down the stairs and luckily a cab comes by and we get him in there. Chanyeol gives the driver Jihyun’s address and we wave goodbye. “Sorry for his behavior.”

“He is quite the character. But I really am worried for James. I wonder where he went.”

“Do you want to wait around for him or would you like me to take you back.”

“I can get back on my own.” I take one step and trip over myself. Chanyeol catches me.

“I don’t think so. I will bring you back.” As we wait for a cab several cars are passing by and one car swerves to avoid another pedestrian. The driver’s headlights are right on us and he blares his horn. My eyes go wide and I feel my body get moved abruptly. The next thing I know I am getting flashbacks to being inside of a car. I feel myself falling and I see a blinding light. Then I can see Brian sitting next to me and I blink and it’s Chanyeol. I blink once more and Brian reappears right before the car hits us. I feel in my throat that I am screaming, but I don’t hear anything. This is the bad dream that keeps haunting me. This is what I have been surpressing. The death of my boyfriend has been haunting me even years later. I feel something covering me and I softly hear a voice whispering to me.

“It is okay. You are safe. You are not in danger. I’m here. Just breathe. In,” A few seconds goes by. “And out. Just breathe with me.” I follow the voice and breathe with them. After about a minute of doing that I open my eyes and I look around me. I am in an alleyway. I am sitting on the ground with my hands gripping my hair. I slowly release my fingers and I look up and see that Chanyeol is there hugging me and rocking me back and forth slightly. “Are you feeling better?” The only thing I could do is nod. “Do you want me to call James?” I shake my head. “Do you want me to call Johnny?” I shake my head even more. Johnny has never seen me like this and doesn’t know about it. “What would you like me to do?”

“C-Can you just stay with me?” He holds me closer and I can feel him nodding.

“Of course. We don’t have to move until you are ready.” We stay there for about another 10 minutes while a steady flow of tears fell down my face. After my tear ducts empty of tears I slightly push Chanyeol away. “Are you ready to go?” I nod. “Okay.” Chanyeol gets up and practically picks me off the ground. We walk back to the street and Chanyeol hails a cab. He keeps an arm around me. “Nothing bad is going to happen to you. I’m here.” We get into the cab and Chanyeol does all the talking. The rocking of the cab ride and the warmth coming from Chanyeol’s body makes me sleeping and I start dozing off. The bad dream starts playing out and I can feel myself grip onto Chanyeol’s shirt. His hold around me tightens and he whispers into my ear. “You’re safe. I’m here.” My body eases up a little bit and he keeps this up all the way to the apartment. Chanyeol pays the cab driver and he ends up carrying me all the way to the apartment. He puts the code in the door and puts me in my bed. As he turns away I grab his jacket sleeve.

“Please don’t leave. At least not until I fall asleep.” Chanyeol turns around and gets into my bed. I know if James saw this he would go ballistic. Chanyeol puts his arms around me and places my head on his chest.

“I’ll stay for as long as you want me to. I’m not going anywhere.” I close my eyes and drift off into dreamland.

 

I wake up the next morning with the worst head in the world. I can’t remember much of what happened last night. All I know is that I definitely drank too much. I roll over and there is a big spot empty in my bed. That’s weird. Why was I sleeping against the wall? I usually take up the entire bed. I slowly make my way to the kitchen and I see James passed out on the couch. Looks like he really enjoyed his birthday last night. I smile a little and I take an ibuprofen and get a big glass of water. As I get back into my room I see a glass of water on my nightstand. Did I prepare myself for the morning? I get closer and I see a sticky note on the glass. Did I write myself a note too? I put my glass down next to the other one and take the sticky note off to read it.

“Here is some water. I know you are going to need it considering how much you drank. Text me when you get up. Make sure to eat some good hangover stew. I know James knows of a good place. Have a good day. -Chanyeol” If I was holding my water I would of dropped it. Chanyeol helped me home? Why? Why didn’t James help me home? And why does he want to make sure I am okay? What did I do last night? What did we do last night? I get back into bed and I am too embarrassed to text Chanyeol for the rest of the day. I get up to go to the bathroom and to eat some hangover stew that James got.

“So do you have any memories from last night?”

“Once we got up to the room I don’t remember anything after that.”

“Well even though you don’t remember I want to apologize for abandoning you. As I was on my way back my friends intercepted me and took me to a club instead. Chanyeol messaged me saying he was taking care of you. I really owe him big time.” Well that’s one question answered.

‘I’ll have to thank him too.”

“Yeah from the sound of it Jihyun was trying to get with you and Chanyeol protected you. Jihyun isn’t a bad guy, but I also know that you are still a . He is not the guy to give it up to.”

“Okay eww we can stop talking about that.” Did Chanyeol and I do it last night? I’m not sore down there. I heard from people that you can be in pain the next day after your first time. So I guess that sort of answers that question. The rest of the day and night was filled with me drinking water and doing homework. Right before I went to bed my phone buzzes. I look at my phone and it’s a text message from Chanyeol.

“I guess you don’t want to talk about last night. James told me that you are doing fine. I am glad to hear that. I hope you have a good night. See you at work tomorrow. :)” I lock my phone and throw it across my bed. Why is Chanyeol so hung up on making sure I am okay? Why is he caring about me? An SM intern? I mean I guess I am the person that helped him not destroy the practice room that Johnny ended up destroying the next month, but besides that. I am nothing to him. I wouldn’t even consider us friends. He is on a completely different level than me. This is great time to reestablish the boundaries between us. After all in 2 months I will be back in the states and I will never see him again. When I think that my heart aches a bit. Why does it ache? It shouldn’t ache. Stop that heart. You are not allowed to do that. Pull yourself together. Don’t you dare revolt and develop stupid feelings. We have trained for too long and too hard for you to go and everything up. Try and remember how you are just a single face in a sea full of fans. After this internship he will not remember you. He will forget you and he won’t try and contact you afterwards anyways. My heart calms down a little bit after thinking that. Good heart. You are understanding where our place is. We belong back in California and not mixed up in idol lives. We are not on the same level as them. We should act like how we are suppose to be. No more messing around.