“We know that you’re in love with Seulgi.”

What?!

My eyes fly open and I see that neither Youngbae nor Daesung appear to be joking. In fact, their eyes are even more sincere and pitying than ever.

“It’s okay.” Youngbae smiles reassuringly, and Daesung follows in suit. “You don’t have to hide it anymore. We’ll help you through it, maknae. Don’t worry about it.”

“But-I-” I’m at a complete loss for words. Too many thoughts running through my mind, not to mention the shock, the horror, the confusion, the painful irony of it all.

One thing is for sure, though. I have to come up with a plan, and fast, or I’ll never get out alive.

Option one is to deny everything and everyone, quit Big Bang, change my first name to Bruce and run away to China. No Jiyong, no Seulgi, no nothing. The end of it all.

Option two is to go along with it. Use my ‘love’ for Seulgi as a cover so nobody can ever find out how I really feel about Jiyong.

Option three is to just tell the truth, that I, Lee Seunghyun, am the biggest idiot in the world and am actually in love with our leader, Kwon Jiyong. Right.

Considering my choices, option one and three are obviously out of the question. I could never do that, no explanation required. Option two seems to be my best bet so far. It will probably make things ten times more complicated, but as long as nobody finds out the truth, I may as well roll with it.

But first, I have to find some things out.

“Wh-What makes you say that?” I ask in what I hope sounds like a tone of denial with a hint of suspicion.

“Well, why else would you spend the whole of your summer hanging around Jiyong and Seulgi?” Youngbae shrugs. “Seungriyah, you’re a good kid and all, but you’d have to have the patience of a saint or some other form of motivation to keep up with that for the whole of our break. Especially since it’s with Jiyong and one of his girlfriends - er, I mean, his fiancée - you know what he’s like when he thinks he’s found his soulmate; it’s like he can’t focus on anything else and acts like he’s going to die if he doesn’t spend every waking second with her.”

‘Hell yes, I know that far too well for my own good.’ My mind interrupts my hyung’s speech as he continues listing his reasons. ‘I definitely know that for sure, first-hand experience, no less.’

“Also, you always stare at her, all super intense.” Daesung pipes up. “It’s like you can’t take your eyes off her or something. I mean, I know she’s really beautiful and everything, but she’s getting married to Jiyong, Seungri.” He shakes his head pitifully, only to receive a disbelieving glare from Youngbae.

“Idiot! I told you not to mention that!” The elder scolds. “We’re trying to help maknae, not make him feel worse!”  

As the two begin to bicker, my mind wanders again. I’m always staring at her intensely? Yeah, with intense hatred and jealousy. She’s going to be Mrs. Kwon Jiyong. How can I not hate her?! Yet again, she is ultimately everything I could never be.

Last night when I got home, as I lay in my bed staring up at the ceiling, recurring arguments kept taking place in my mind over and over again, each battling the same thing every single time. There was a rational part of myself telling me to just let it go, to just let Jiyong go. But the rest of me, stupid, pitiful me, couldn’t even attempt to try. It was useless. I’m not sure when exactly I realised I was in love with Jiyong, but now that I had, my feelings weren’t going to stop anytime soon.

Maybe if I believed I didn’t have a single chance with Jiyong, I would’ve forced myself to give up and move on. But there was something about Jiyong that made me believe there was a possibility. Whenever he lingered close to me for a second too long, it just felt so right. And when we all lived in the same unit, he used to sneak into my room and my bed to whisper all his secret fears, hopes and dreams into my right ear late at night when we, well, when he couldn’t sleep, trapped by his skinny arms and legs wrapping themselves around me. With our bodies pressed together in a tight embrace, there seemed to be a feeling of neither of us wanting to let go.

Yet we still did.

Before Jiyong had even met Seulgi, I swore to myself that I would confess to Jiyong after he broke up with his next girlfriend. I had waited long enough, spent too much time torturing myself as to whether or not I was just being delusional and if I actually stood a chance, and even if I did, if my feelings would ruin everything; the group, how everyone viewed us, my relationship with Jiyong…it seemed like one great, big mess that I just wanted to clear up. I was sick of dwelling on it every single night. But I’d spent too much time waiting, and now I was too late.

The ing irony of it all.

“Seungri?” Youngbae’s voice brings me back to the present. My eyes re-focus and I see the two eyeing my nervously, before realising my mouth is pulled downwards in a very discouraging and not to mention murderous snarl.

“Y-Yes, hyung?” I answer, blinking rapidly in an attempt to rearrange my face in a less aggressive and more forgiving manner.

“I mean, we’re not saying we’re gonna help you crash the wedding and steal away the bride or anything epic like that, but…” Daesung trails off, the look in his eyes clearly showing he has no idea where he’s going with this. Panicking, he turns to Youngbae, widening his eyes and gesturing for him to continue.

“Go on?” I urge. My hyungs look up, surprised I’m actually going along with them and not denying anything. I don’t blame them, but little do they know that I too have an idea forming in my head: if their plan for helping me with my ‘feelings’ for Seulgi seems like it might work, that means it could also possibly work on the other half of the couple. Also, I’m interested to see where they’ll run with this and if they even have a plan. Which, I suddenly realise, they probably don’t. Great.

“If they’re meant to be, they’re meant to be.” Youngbae murmurs. “And there’s nothing you can do about that, I’m sorry. But I think you should at least talk to her, and see how it goes. You never know what might happen.”

“That sounds like a terrible idea!” Daesung exclaims. “What if she says no and gets all upset and then Jiyong-hyung finds out?! Or what if she says she actually loves Seungri and then leaves Jiyong-hyung for him and then he gets all angry and everything’s messed up-”

“That’s beside the point.” Youngbae cuts off the younger. “If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, that’s how I see it. That’s why I’m helping our maknae.” Youngbae smiles his ‘sun’ smile at me; bright, warm and hopeful. I smile back at him, grateful for how supporting and understanding he is. Even if he’s got the wrong person. But still. It’s the thought that counts, after all. “You’re free to join us or leave us, Dae.”

“Nononononono!” Daesung lets loose a stream of jumbled, repeated syllables as he frantically shakes his head. “I’m with you, maknae, I’m with you!! But…” The blonde trails off again, biting his lip. “I’m just worried, is all.”

“Worried about what?”

The three of us turn around to see Jiyong himself swaggering towards us, approximately 99.9% more relaxed after carbon monoxide fumes into his lungs. Seunghyun is by his side, who, in comparison, still appears to be just as tense pre-inhalation.

“Hy-Hyung!” Daesung gapes, and I roll my eyes at his inability to conceal his surprise.

“Yes, me.” Jiyong smiles as he reaches us. “What’s up? What’s worrying you, dongsaeng?” He teases, pinching Daesung’s cheek.

“I-I-” Daesung struggles, his eyes looking anywhere but Jiyong. From the way he’s acting, you’d think his face is trapped in a death grip, not between a very slender index finger and thumb. But then again, for Daesung, this is like death; he hates lying and can never do it, especially not to a hyung. I sigh. It’s time for the expert to step in.

“He’s worried about the bride’s skincare routine, hyung, that’s all.” I roll my eyes at the mere idea of it. “Fretting about what if she breaks out on the big day or something, sounds like a real nightmare, aish. He’ll probably try to make her use some of his princess potion lotion stuff.”

“Adorable. You go do that.” Jiyong finally relinquishes his hold on Daesung, who starts patting his cheeks immediately upon his release, wailing about grease and clogging pores.

“What is everyone doing out here anyway?” Jiyong surveys all of us in the hallways, before mock-pouting. “Holding a secret meeting without your leader?”

“Et moi?” Seunghyun adds, puffing out his chest and folding his arms, tensing them like he always does after he’s worked out at the gym and thinks he’s suddenly become ten times more muscular than before.

“You know French?” Youngbae quickly asks, a fast attempt to change the subject as we begin to walk back. It’s the sort of dumb question that usually Daesung or I would ask, only to receive an endearing slap around the head as a response. Thankfully, Youngbae has managed to recall his acting chops from however many years ago it was that he starred in that movie, and sounds genuinely interested.

“Yeah, to the extent of ‘voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir’!” Jiyong answers before Seunghyun can even open his mouth. “But since he’s TOP, that’s the only French he’ll ever need to know!” He pretends to swoon like a starstruck fangirl, before bursting out laughing, much to the chagrin of Seunghyun.

As the two continue to argue about the elder’s not very ‘flawless’ French,  Daesung uses the distraction to suddenly creep up behind me and hiss something in my ear not so subtly, making me jump.

“What?!” I hiss back. Thankfully, since Jiyong and Seunghyun are so into their discussion that their voices bounce off the walls and carry down the hallway, so nobody can hear me.

Daesung rolls his eyes, before trying again. “I said, you’re too good at lying, maknae! Way too good! Yah, that kind of skill should be illegal!”

‘It really should be. Freaking tell me about it.’ I think, before suddenly stopping myself. I don’t want to repeat a mistake like earlier where my mask slipped and the look on my face revealed my true feelings.

“Thanks, for the compliment, hyung!” I quickly smile a wide, toothy grin at Daesung instead, like it’s the best thing I’ve heard all day. It suddenly hits me with devastating and ironic realisation that it wasn’t a lie, that it is the best thing I’ve heard all day, compared to everything else that’s happened. 

Instead of the usual exasperated eye roll or playful shove that I expect, Daesung just stares blankly back at me, almost identical to Seunghyun.

“Uh…hyung?” I squint at the blonde, weirded out. ‘Maybe this whole staring thing is a master plan formulated by Seunghyun-hyung as part of some mass-prank on me?’ I wonder, before quickly dismissing the idea just as abruptly as it had appeared. Seunghyun is not calculated or organised enough to do that, nor would he make such an effort to do so, when he could be relaxing instead, staring at his Bearbricks collection and drinking a sizeable glass of wine. And what comes out of Daesung’s mouth next fully assures me that it isn’t, whilst also simultaneously chilling me to the bone.

“Your eyebags look even darker and heavier than usual, if that’s even possible…Maknae, have you not been getting much sleep lately?” Daesung inquires, frowning, causing me to immediately tense up.

“Yes, hyung. You’re absolutely right. I haven’t exactly been finding much to any sleep at all recently, because I gave up my entire summer to tag along with Jiyong and his girlfriend, who he is madly and completely head-over-heels in love with, and who he proposed to just yesterday right in front of my face, and it kills me inside because I actually love him in a total non-brotherly way and never told him, and now I’ll never be able to, but I wouldn’t anyway, because he loves his woman, and now I have to act like I’m so, so happy for him like everyone else, even though right now I wish my birth could be reversed, because I’m going to have to live with those cold, hard facts and this pain for the rest of my life.”

Jesus. I make rambling, never-ending speeches within my mind before they even have a chance to leave my mouth. Which they definitely don’t, at least not this time.

“Ah, hyung!” I force out a laugh, the unnatural exertion burning my chest. “You-You know me! Panda! That’s me, that’s my nickname! My eyes are always surrounded by big, black rings on my pale, beautiful face! No matter how much sleep I get! Like-Like a panda’s, y’know?! It only makes me look even more handsome!”   

I clamp my mouth shut before I can blurt out anything fatal, or worse, the truth.

Finally, Daesung raises his eyes to the heavens and huffs out a sigh. “Aish. You!” He shakes his head and ambles over to Seunghyun-hyung, probably to try and aid his argument, but will most likely end up accidently doing the complete opposite.

At long last, alone in peace, I let out a relieved sigh. But the moment’s too good to be true, as Youngbae glances at me over his shoulder and gives me a winning smile. I inwardly groan as I’m instantly reminded me of what we were talking about and why before Jiyong and Seunghyun had arrived. As if my life isn’t already problem-prone enough, I have yet to discover that no matter how awful or terrible some things seem, they can only get worse. A hell of a lot worse.