Like a mother’s immediate maternal instinct reaction and response to her baby’s crying, Seunghyun, being the eldest of the group, and I, the leader, instantly dropped our cigarettes and spun around towards the building at the sound of Daesung’s screaming.

Only to find he was simply harassing Seungri in the middle of the hallway.

Seunghyun, apparently not finding it worth interrupting, turned back around and immediately lit up once again. Reluctantly, I forced myself to face away from the building, fumbling as I failed to focus on lighting my cigarette.

I couldn’t let Seunghyun know what he had said was right. That I was still in love with Seungri. When had I ever not been? I hastily bit back a laugh at the idea of me ever stopping loving Seungri. Impossible. My love for Seungri was so absolute, so ultimate, so true, that he could kill me and I would not have so much as a thought of retaliation.  

What was it about him? What was so entrancing? That had captured me completely? Was it because he was unattainable? Of course not. I’d give my left nut in a heartbeat to make Seungri instantaneously mine, no chase required.

But even the mere thought of that made me want to puke. Minus any soju influence.

Because I knew the idea of it was so laughable, so unrealistic, impossible.

So pathetic.

Pathetic? For only me to be feeling this way, of course. Desperately loving and longing, but I’d never even had the balls to say it once. Of course not. It would ruin everything; my name and reputation, Big Bang, and last but under absolutely no condition whatsoever definitely not least, mine and Seungri’s relationship. It would be the ultimate event of despair, confession. It would ruin everything. And it could not, by any means, ever happen. Not even at my last breath.

Although there would probably be no need for me to live even another second if this event ever were to take place.

I could just imagine it. First, there’d be laughter. Laughter, from Seungri. He’d be falling all over the place, laughing until his ribs exploded, screaming from the hilarity of it all, hyung, what the hell are you even saying this time?! You really that drunk?! Then, like a Merry-Go-Round slowly creaking to a halt after ride after ride of endless, tiring, dizzying cycles of amusement and bright lights over and over again, he’d stop. The laughter would stop. The smile would be frozen on his face, as Seungri would glare at me in confusion, wait, are you serious? But…But nothing. Nothing but sick, dull confusion, written all over his face like a scribbled scrap of paper; crumpled in incomprehension. Wishing it was misinterpretation, a misunderstanding.

A mistake.

I too would realise this as Seungri would turn to face me head on one last time. A cold, sickening blank page of a face. Unscuffed. Hollow. Empty. A pure, white, innocent, clean face filled with nothing but fear. Horror upon realisation. Eyes vacant, a stare there, but then again, not really there. Looking at me, but at the same time, wishing to never see me ever again. Wishing for disappearance.

And my wish that I’d never even opened my mouth, my mind, my ing broken heart, in the first place. A wish fuelled by nothing but ruined regret.

I could not allow this to happen. It was time to ing wake up, smell the brew, and, oh, yeah. You know. Marry the girl I ing proposed to no less than twenty-four hours ago?!

Yes. It was time to.

“Ready to go back in?” I leapt around to face Seunghyun with a face-splitting smile plastered on my face. It was plaster, exactly that; sloppily pasted on, concealing and coating my true face and my true feelings, a blank white reminiscent of my now-fresh start.

“Mm.” Seunghyun only gave a rough shrug and a grunt not dissimilar to that of a gorilla. Whatever. I was riding the get-the--on-without-Seungri train of my life, and if Seunghyun wasn’t keen on boarding, then that was one passenger I’d just have to miss a stop for. He followed me in stony silence back inside the building after chucking the last burning embers of his cigarette onto the ground, only to find the rest of the members. Including Seungri. Great.

“I’m with you maknae, I’m with you! But…” We found Daesung desperately protesting to a grinning Youngbae and Seungri after screaming a series of ‘no’s. “I’m just worried, is all.”

I narrowed my eyes at the three of them. What the hell were they all doing out here anyway, gathered like this all suspiciously in the hallway? Why weren’t they inside? Was Bae planning some kind of stupid prank with the others? And had gotten Seunghyun to haul me out of the room with a cigarette break as a distraction whilst they put the plan in action? I gritted my teeth in annoyance. Cute idea, sure, but now was really not the ing time for bull like this.

I immediately relinquished the pressure on my jaw after realising this was not how I was supposed to be acting in my new, carefree, so-over-Seungri life. The trick was to not give a . Ever.

“Worried about what?” I sang, hopping towards the definitely more angelic of my dongsaengs. Daesung gasped and practically threw up on the spot from horror as I took the opportunity myself to around some with my members, grabbing his baby’s--soft cheek and shaking it like a Polaroid. If they were gonna do to me, I thought I may as well give them an early payback.

“What’s up? What’s worrying you, dongsaeng?” I crooned, grinning maniacally at the obviously terrified younger. ‘Tell me just what the you’re planning to do to me, you little s!’ I silently willed through my blinding grin. However, Daesung only continued to stutter, failing to even begin producing an answer.

That was, until he cut in.

“He’s worried about the bride’s skincare routine, hyung, that’s all. Fretting about what if she breaks out on the big day or something, sounds like a real nightmare, aish. He’ll probably try to make her use some of his princess potion lotion stuff.”

I stood, frozen. Not only was it the one and only Seungri who I had just decided to have an entire life-changing revelation due to him addressing yours truly for pretty much the first time that day, but only to remind me that I had a bride. A ing bride. Who, for your information, was not him.

“Adorable.” I just about managed, desperate to keep all my swirling thoughts and tangled emotions from escaping my mouth. “You go do that.” I monotonously commanded, my hand falling limp back to my side.

“What is everyone doing out here anyway?” I suddenly remembered, instantly on guard again at the reminder that these three, maybe even four, monkeys were potentially out to get me. “Holding a secret meeting without your leader?” I aggressively demanded, only to remember my new life motto, and instantly jutted out my lower lip in an attempt at some seriously rusty aegyo.

“Et moi?” Seunghyun immediately also inquired. I tried not to frown at him. What the ? I thought he was part of the elaborate ruse/set up that was clearly out to get me? Was he playing a double bluff? What the was going on? Maybe Youngbae was just operating with Daesung and Seungri or some other .

“You know French?” Youngbae inquired as we easily all fell into step with each other, heading back.

I tried not to snort. Er, hello, I was the one who had actually been to Paris? Bae, what were you even doing asking Sir Bingu that for? “Yeah, to the extent of ‘voulez-vous couchez avec moi ce soir’!” I sniped, intent on getting back at Seunghyun for that merciless interrogation out on the balcony.

“Oh, please.” Seunghyun himself snorted with laughter. “You can’t even do Japanese. You can’t talk for !”

“Um, neither can you?” I icily countered. “I mean, how could you when you can’t even master the basics of your own first language? ‘Do Japanese’? Really, hyung? I think you need to get back to kindergarten, stat.” I snickered into my fist, even more triumphant upon noticing Youngbae was struggling to hold it together, too. He suddenly whipped back round, and I followed his face and his gaze to see, oh no, him flashing his motherliest of motherly smiles at Seungri. Throwing anything I said about keeping calm and past caring right out the window, I felt my hackles rise and my nostrils automatically flare in irate fury.

So they were planning something after all! Those es! They thought they could hide it in such an obvious smile like that?! Why the was Youngbae throwing Seungri such loving, caring smiles such as those, anyway? I mused mutinously to myself, my eyes narrowing into slits so thin I could barely see the hallway ahead of me. Suddenly realising how tensed I was, I decided it wouldn’t be the best idea for the others to see me in a condition such as this. Who knew what the they might have attributed it to. Definitely not Seungri, obviously. I mean, not that it was because of him. Right. As if.

I quickly excused my incredibly delusional self from the group, making a U-turn back towards the balcony and the restroom. However, on my journey to anywhere but back to the rest of the celebration party, I ran into the one and only president himself walking the hallways.

“Jiyong-ah.” President Yang harrumphed, glaring just as fiercely as I had earlier. “I’ve been looking for you. You must be joking if you thought I’d given my final verdict earlier, back in front of everyone else. No. We need to discuss matters.”

“Your office.” Pokerface in place, I immediately responded, apathetic but obeying. I knew he only had my – and his – best interests in mind. Either way, I was still a part of the equation for continuous success, and had been for the past eleven years. I trusted Yang Hyunsuk.

YG shook his head in disagreement. “Nobody’s around; let’s just get this over with.” He muttered, a scowl twisting his mouth in discontent. I knew I was like a son to the president, and he most likely didn’t want to cause me any further discomfort by ragging on about matters of my own personal life, but marriage? With some random chick? Thanks for the thought, YG, but I honestly, really, genuinely could not have cared less. Rag on all you want.

“You probably already know this, Jiyong-ah, but you need Seungri to keep smoke-screening for both you and Seulgi-ssi until we do a press release for all the details of your relationship, the engagement, and that transition into marriage. Just like he had done so all summer, correct?”

I nodded my head, confirming both his suggestions. Of course I still needed Seungri to pretend and hang around with us until a press release. Of course his constant appearance seemed like a smokescreen to any outsider that wasn’t me. Or Seunghyun, for that matter. On one hand, I was ecstatic that I had successfully managed to fool everyone, but on the other, it ing killed me. It was anything but that. Literally anything. The complete opposite.

But now was not the time to be dwelling on that. Yang Hyunsuk wouldn’t unnecessarily bring up something I already knew. The er punch was yet to come, and I readily braced myself for it.

“Have Seungri stay at your apartment until then.”

My face, my heart, my entire body.

It all turned to stone in that single second.

It was clearly not something up for discussion. Inescapable. I was ultimately trapped. And yet, I just couldn’t help but wonder…

What the actual, ing was this god damned Freudian/Shakespearian tragedy of my now otherwise known as a mockery of a pathetic, miserable life?

“Of course…sajangnim…”

I was but a mere puppet. My only option was to play along, the marionette strings yet again tugging on my flimsy paper heart, burning to tatters. 

LONG TIME NO SEE LONG TIME NO SEE~ How have we all been? How's the new year been treating you? Jeez, it really has been a long time, ah? Hopefully will update more frequently - writer's block is a biatch. Comment, subscribe, upvote - all of it! Love you all!