“ing masochist.” Seungri mumbled into his teacup as he blew on the hot liquid.

I looked up at him, alarmed. Had he just read my mind? “What?”

He too looked up, red and apparently embarrassed. But he didn’t reply, his eyes glazed over, deep in thought. I sighed. Extra measures were going to have to be taken for this dope.

“Seungri? Hello? Anybody home?” I sang, waving my hand in his face. Do you really hate me so much that you ignore me? Am I really so boring that you’re practically falling asleep here?

“Wh-What?” He finally responded. Hooray. Our maknae was not dead after all.

“You said something?” I inquired. He immediately shook his head, denying the claim.

“N-Nothing.” He affirmed. I sighed and simply nodded. Nothing was going to give.   

Besides, I was skimming around the point and making conversation only as a distraction. The real issue was sat in my jeans pocket, shining brighter than a star and extremely expensive. It was serious. And it was going to happen.

I’d had enough. I was sick of it all. Sick of waiting, sick of knowing it was never going to happen, and sick of losing every single time.

Seungri. You were sat right opposite me, just across the table. And yet. You felt so out of reach. So unattainable. So wicked.

No! I was supposed to be over you! Why else would I drag you along with me and my girlfriend of the month for the whole summer? I wanted to prove to myself, everyone else and you that I was fine without you. I specifically wanted you to see I was absolutely perfect.

Except I wasn’t. And now look at the mess I’d gotten myself into.

It didn’t matter, anyway. I was going to go through with today as planned. Life goes on. I’d do it, and be done with it. And you’d see just how well I was over you.

I cleared my throat and prepared to give the performance of a lifetime. Seungri looked up expectantly just as I plastered a huge, fake grin on my face.

“I just wanted to say thanks.” I enunciated each of my words slowly, trying to make myself believe and go along with what I was saying. But I couldn’t. I quickly reached for my teacup and gulped it down, masking my face and the lack of truth. When I pulled the cup away, I was ready to continue as each and every lie leaving my mouth further blackened my heart. “It really means a lot to me and Seulgi, that you basically forfeited your whole summer to be our smokescreen for the paparazzi. Nobody can tell what’s really going on, not even anyone in YG! Since there’s three of us it’s so difficult to tell, like, which one Seulgi’s chosen.” I choked out a strangled laugh at the irony behind my reasoning. Smokescreen? There was no ing way that had ever been my reason for making Seungri watch me face with some random for over two months. I would have to had been completely insane. I’d tell him the truth one day, when we were old and practically dead, that I thought I’d been in love with him, and had made him tag along with all my girlfriends just to selfishly prove it to myself that I wasn’t.

Because I wasn’t. I mean, if I was, why would I turn with such a blinding smile towards my girlfriend upon her entry along with some inane declaration spewing from her stupidly shiny mouth? And then rush to her side like I was on fire and she was the last cup of water on earth? Kiss her all over her face whilst I closed my eyes and pretended she was Seungri-

Oh, .

“I can’t take it anymore.” I blurted out as I wrenched my lips away from hers. I noticed Seungri staring and immediately smiled back at him and grabbed Seulgi’s hands, desperate to make my beliefs real. They would be real. I would make them real right now.

“I’m so glad that you’re here to witness this, Seungri,” I began shakily. It was happening. It really was happening. There was no turning back now. . . . Was I really doing this? I was really doing this. “Seunghyun,” I quickly added his birth name as I desperately tried to keep my hands from shaking. I digressed further on.

“You’re such an amazing friend to me.”

But I wish you were more.

“I wouldn’t want anyone else but you to be here.”

Because I wish it was you.

“After how much you helped.”

You who I would ask this next question.

My eyes misted over. I was crying. I couldn’t help it. Why wasn’t Seungri saying anything? His gaze met mine, and our eyes locked for a few moments.

Please, I mentally begged. Please, Seungri. Please stop me right now. Please tell me you don’t want me to do this. I’ve been holding on to this one last miniscule shred of hope that you know how I feel and feel the same way, but if you do not stop me now, I will go ahead and do it. I will let you go. I will-

“Seulgi,” I turned to the girl and slowly kneeled down on one knee, my back to Seungri. This was it. This was finally it. Game over.

“Will you marry me?”

Seulgi emanated all kind of girlish squeals and screams as I presented the enormous diamond to her, but all I could hear and feel was the sound of my heartbeat pounding in my head. . I’d actually done it. And she’d said yes. I knew she would. I didn’t doubt that for a second, I thought, as I took her hand in mine to put the ring on her fourth finger. It was too tiny, too delicate, and the diamond gauchely bloomed over and swallowed her other fingers, leaving room for nothing else. But that’s the way girls like it, I suppose.  

I tried to look at Seungri to see his reaction, but Seulgi suddenly threw herself at me, and I had no choice but to hug her back. She was my fiancée now, after all. For now and forever, becoming husband and wife, ‘till death do us part.

.

I didn’t really want to marry this one if push came to shove. But they’re all interchangeable if I’m perfectly honest. All my past girlfriends, I mean. I don’t mean to be rude, but when you’ve only got eyes for one person in particular, the rest of the world and all the people in it just become one massive blur that eventually fades away.

Speaking of that one particular person. I finally heard Seungri speak after clearing his throat, as though something were stuck in it.

“Congratulations. I’m so happy for the both of you.” Seungri smiled, wide and toothy, and my heart sank. Of course he’d smile. Of course he’d be happy. His leader of over eight years was becoming a married man. What else had I expected him to say, do or feel? Regret? Sadness? Loss? Sure. Maybe in another lifetime.

I suddenly wished I had been born in an alternate universe as I watched Seungri leave the room out the corner of my eye.