You feel it as it crawls through your stomach and scratches at your lungs. You choke it down as it tries to rip itself out from inside you. You want to cut yourself open, pull the thing away and tear it into pieces. You don't want to feel it anymore. You don't want to remember it ever existed.

       And yet as you think of ways to destroy it, it comes back to you in a way that you know will never disappear. It comes back to you when you see CL, a leader dancing and singing her heart out in the practice room. It comes back to you when you see Chaerin, a friend curled up on the couch, laughing at the sitcom on your shared apartment TV. It comes back to you when you see Baby Rin, a sister cradling you in her arms after a bad nightmare.

       It comes back to you when you see Lee Chaerin...a love.

       That word, love. You want to puke. How could you? After so many years of pure friendship and mutual support, how could you?

       It churns round and round in your stomach as it sinks in for the millionth time that you're in love. She would never love you. You're in love with someone you shouldn't be in love with, someone who only sees you one way and not that way, someone whom it'd be a sin to love, someone you don't deserve. You can't love her.

       And yet you do.

       And as your fingers start to absentmindedly claw at your chest where the sin lies, here she comes running over, her beautiful hands wiping sweat off her beautiful face, her gorgeous smile lighting up the room and the entire world. Her existence itself makes you feel like a meaningless piece of trash. You're not worth it. You don't deserve her.

       So when she pulls you up off the bench and holds your sweaty hands and calms your shaking mind and comforts your crying heart, you pretend to smile because it makes her happy. But that monster inside of you never stops growing hungrier and hungrier, and you never stop feeling more and more disgusted with yourself.

       After all, she's an unreachable star in the sky, a dream that you will never fulfill. And you? Sandara Park? You're nothing. Nothing at all.

       Love? How could you?

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4/3/13 23:39