Once I was done getting ready, I went downstairs. It wasn't as easy as it used to be walking down the stairs. 

" Hey, sweetie. " my mom kissed me on the cheek.

" How are you feeling tonight ? " dad hugged me and asked.

" I'm okay. " I said and I gave them my best smile.

" Oh, honey. " Mom's been crying a lot lately.

" Mom. " It hurts me to see her this way. It really is. Everytime she cries, I feel like something inside of me is falling apart.

" GROUP HUG. " my dad hugged the both of us. Dad is always the one who tries his best to keep everything in place. And I appreciate it a lot.

My mom cried even harder.

" I love you guys. " My eyes getting teary. Stupid, stupid cancer.

" We love you too, sweetie. " said dad since mom couldn't even talk right now.

Then the door bell rang.

" I'll go see who that is. " As my dad walked towards the door.

" I'm sorry. " Mom tried her best to talk. 

" It's okay, mom. " I pat her back. 

" I'm okay. " but I didn't promise her that. I couldn't promise her that.

*** 

" Look who's here. " Dad said. 

" Carmen. "

Kim Jongdae. My heart fluttered. No. I can't.

" Hey. " I'm so glad I could see him again.

" I bought some macaroons for you guys. " He said, and handed the macaroons to my dad.

" Wow, thanks Jongdae. " Dad patted his shoulder. He smiled that goofy smile of his, showing off those dimples.

Soon, I wouldn't be able to see this smile of his anymore.

" You guys should go now, have fun okay ! " Dad told us. But Jongdae was looking at my mom, because she was still crying.

" Okay. " I hugged my dad. " Bye, love you, " And I went over to my mom. " See you when I get home okay ? I  love you, mom. Thanks for everything. "

Cam, don't you dare cry. I wonder how long could I hold it.

***

It started raining, I wonder was the sky feeling bad for me too ? It's okay, I told the sky.

Inside his car, I looked at the window. Although I really really really, want to spend the rest of my life just looking at him. I really do.

This time, he didn't turn on the radio. It was just us, and the sound of the rain. I feel sad. And I told myself to keep it together. It'll be over soon. I can't let Jongdae know. I don't want to hurt him. 

" Are you okay ? " I asked him. He seems pretty quiet today.

He looks at me, " I should to be the one asking you. Is your mom okay ? " he paused. " Cam, please be honest with me. "

" Of course she is. She's a crier. She's just happy that I'm finally hanging out. She doesn't like it when all I do is just stay home and sleep. " I lied. I'm sorry.

" Really ? "  His face lits up a little bit.

" Of course. "

I'm sorry, Jongdae. To be with him was to hurt him - inevitably. I really want to be with Jongdae. He's different. He's special.

But I couldn't.

***

When we reached, he opens the door for me. As he reached for my hand, wanting to hold it.

" Jongdae, it's okay. I can do this. " How I wish my hands were in his.

" Okay, Cam. " He sounds disappointed.

What can I do about it ? I don't have a choice, do I ? I'm a grenade. Eventually when I blow up he's going to get hurt and that's the last thing that I want to do. I'm a useless piece of crap. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to. But how ? If I don't tell him the truth, I'm hurting him. If I tell him the truth, I'm hurting him.

I'm trying my best. I really am.

We head upstairs. I'm not good with stairs. I felt a bodily sovereignty that I can't describe. Like when kids used to have this really heavy backpack that they carried everywhere. My bones are killing me. Jongdae wanted to help me, but I pushed him away.

" I'm fine. " I look into his deep brown eyes. " really. "

After about 20 seconds, my bones felt like they were burning. I sat down on the first brown chair that I see when I reached the floor and tried to catch my breath, and I felt pretty miserable.

He knelt down by my side and said : " I'll go get you something to drink, okay ? "

" Thanks. Jongdae. " Even then, the pain was worth it. The pain was still there, it was always there.

" Promise me to stay here and wait for Tao and Hope. They'll be arriving soon. " He took my hand in his. This time, I don't push him away.

" I promise. " I said, and gave his hand a squeeze before he lets go.

Today, the countdown till the day I blow up officially starts.

***

After a while, Jongdae came back for me and handed me a bottle of mineral water. That's when Tao and Hope arrives.

" Hey ! " Hope said. "  Are you ready for this, Cam ? " She sounds excited already.

" I'm born ready. " I smile. I glanced at Tao, his eyes tells me that he cried. I don't know when, but I do know why.

" Hey, Tao. What's up ? " Please, Tao. I looked at him, hopefully he understands what I'm trying to tell him. I feel guilty. Maybe I shouln't have told him.

" Hey. I'm just tired. I couldn't sleep last night. " Tao said. He looks at me for a very long time. And that's when I know that he understands what I'm trying to say.

" My poor baby. " Hope said as she his face. " You need to rest more, okay ? "

Tao place his hands on top of Hope's. " Okay. "

I wish I could love someone too. I look at Jongdae, he was still beside me. I took a deep breath and tell myself. It's for the best.

" Tao, we should go get ready. " Jongdae stood up. He looks at me for one last time and said: " Meet you at the balcony later ? "

There's a balcony here ? 

" Okay. " I look at him. The more I look, the sadder I am.

" Promise ? "

" Promise. " and he leaned over to kiss my cheek before walking away. A warm feeling tickles my chest.

" He really likes you, Cam. " Hope said after the both of them left.

" I really like him too. " I paused. My eyes are getting teary again. " I love him, Hope. But I couldn't. I have cancer. What if I die- "

" Don't say that word. " She didn't let me finish my sentence.

" I don't want to hurt him. " A tear rolled down my cheek.

" Cam, you are not hurting him. " Hope hugged me. " You will never hurt him. He loves you so much that he doesn't even have time to feel hurt. You make him happy, Cam. He needs you, just as much as I need you, As much as Tao needs you. It's alright, Cam, you hear me ? "

No. No, it's not alright. I'm a grenade. And grenades are not alright.

And then I cried.

***

A small crowd has gathered to listen to the band. To listen to Jongdae and Tao.

When they went on stage. The crowd applauses. I see Tao with his guitar, while Jongdae holding a microphone in his hand.

When he takes the stage, I can feel him taking my soul right along with him.

He looks over at me and said: " This one's for you, love. "

Tao started playing, and I recognize the rhythm. It's Parachute - She Is Love.

I've been beaten down, I've been kicked around,
But she takes it all for me.
And I lost my faith, in my darkest days,
But she makes me want to believe.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

She's all I need.

Jongdae's voice, smooth as water, washes over me. And a feeling of sad yet happy anticipation fills me.

Well I had my ways, they were all in vain,
But she waited patiently.
It was all the same, all my pride and shame,
And she put me on my feet.

They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
She is love, and she is all I need.

And when that world slows down, dear.
And when those stars burn out, here.
Oh she'll be here, yes she'll be here,
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love, love.
They call her love, love, love, love. love.

She is love, and she is all I need,
She is love, and she is all I need,
 

The crowd wave their hands in the air. Showing the band they're with them all the way.

It's not the best music in the world but to me it is. I watch and focus on Jongdae.

I love you too.

Jongdae bends down to me. And before I know it, there is nothing in this world except me and the music he's singing telling me that right now, everything is exactly how it should be.

You are love, and you are all I need.

When it's over, tears fill my eyes because this shouldn't be how it is going. This is not the plan, this is not my plan.

And I want it to be. God, how I want it to be.

***

I went to the balcony, as I promised. Jongdae was there already, he was sitting on a bench. It was a dark night, not even a single star. 

A lonely night. Lonely as I am.

I took a deep breath and walked towards him. This is it.

" Carmen.  " he said as he patted the seat next to him and I sit next to him.

" Jongdae, I- "

" I'm in love with you." he said quietly.

" Kim Jongdae. " I said.

" I am." he said. He was staring at me,and I could see how beautiful he truly is. " I'm in love with you, Carmen Harper. I'm in love with you, Cam. I know that you're gonna leave one day and I will be all alone, and I'm in love with you. You are my inspiration."

" Kim Jongdae.  " I said again. not knowing what else to say. This is wrong. I was drowning in this weirdly painful joy, but I couldn't say it back. Then, we both stare at each other for a really long time.

And then, his lips touch mine.

It's a soft kiss, tender like he is.

I felt as though I were committing an act of violence against him, because I was hurting him. I pulled away, even though it's too late.

He whispers, " Carmen ? "

" It's not you. "  I tell him. " You were great. You are great. Too great, really. " I started crying.

He wipes away a tear so gently it's like an invitation for more to fall. But I closed my eyes and force them back because he doesn't need that.

" I love you, Jongdae. I do. But when I try to look at you like that, all I see is what I'm about to put you through. I know I'm selfish and I'm sorry. " I pictured him at my funeral, and continued, " I'm a grenade, I'm gonna blow up one day and I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to. "

" Carmen- " Jongdae wanted to speak, but I don't let him.

" I'm sorry. " I stood up and left. Trying to walk as fast as I can with my prosthetic leg.

Of course, he got up and grab my hand.

I yanked my hand free but he grab it again, this time both of my hands,

" Carmen Harper. It's okay if you don't love me. " he said. " But I want you to know that I won't stop loving you and there's nothing you can do about it. "

Then he let go of me, and left.

I stand there. My hand hurts, but not as much as my heart. My heart was breaking into pieces as I watch him leave.

" I'm so sorry. "

***

84. Inpire someone ( / )