I woke up to my phone singing a song by Tokio Hotel. Hope's favourite. That meant she was calling. I glanced at my clock : 12.45P.M. It's afternoon already, gosh I slept for so long.

" Hello ? " The headache was still there.

" Cam. " I heard violent sobbing on the other end of the line. " Lily passed away. She left us a few minutes ago. "

Lily was twelve. She's one of our friend in the cancer support group.She had leukemia.

" Hope, she's in a better place now. " I started crying quietly, wondering when will it be my turn. She's gone, I thought as everything inside of me collapsed into a singularity.

" Okay. Okay. I'll see you later okay, Cam ? " Right. Today was Friday. I'll be going to the cancer support group. I almost forgot.

" Okay, Hope. " I said.

Maybe one day, I'll be gone too. How I wish that day would never come. But sometimes, wishes just don't come true.

***

We all gathered in the church, including Lily's parents. We all had to hold hands, and our group leader, Samantha, led us in a prayer. " Dear Lord Jesus Christ, we thank you for relieving Lily from her sufferings. And we pray that she is now bless and able to reunite with you once again. " The world contains a lot of dead people. I kept my eyes closed, trying to focus on my prayer but mostly imagining the day when I'm the one who will be mention in the prayer.

When Samantha finished, we hugged each other and send our condolences to Lily's parents.

Hope walked over to me, her eyes were still red and puffy.

" You okay, Hope ? " I asked. I wasn't feeling well. My whole body aches especially my hip. I worried the cancer had spread from my leg. I imagined my bones, they're probably holes inside my skeleton or something.

" Cam, don't leave me okay ? " Here goes again. " I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. That was so selfish of me, I- " She started crying again. 

I wrapped my arms around her. " Shhhh. I'm here okay. Debbie Hope, you hear me ? "  Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't cry. Don't you dare cry. I told myself.

I don't know how long did she cried. But when she stopped, my shirt was soaking wet. And her eyes have gotten puffier than before.

" Thanks, Cam. And I'm sorry. " She said. I don't blame her, of course I don't.

" My pleasure, Hope. " She was there when I needed her the most. And now, it is my turn.

" So, will you be going to the club tomorrow ? " she asked.

" What club ? " I swear I'm gonna die soon, my hip is killing me.

" Remember when I told you how I met Tao and Jongdae ? I'm going there tomorrow, since they'll be performing. "

Kim Jongdae.

" Count me in. " Please, I beg my body to stay with me.

***

I texted my mom so she could fetch me home. My headache had gotten worse, and my hip feels like as if there is a supernovae exploding inside of it. I think I'm gonna die. I told myself that consciousness is temporary, that this will pass. But just as always, it didn't go away. There was nothing to do about it.

After a while, mom's car appeared. She got down from the car and ran towards me.

" Carmen, are you alright ? "  she looks worried. She's gonna cry again.

" Mom, I'm really tired. I ... I- "

The corner of my vision started to fade and then there was nothing left but darkness.

***

I woke up in the ICU. I could tell I was in the ICU because there was so much beeping, and because I was alone. Plus, I've been here for a million times already. Your parents aren't allowed to stay with you 24/7 in the ICU because it's an infection risk. I'm all alone. I looked at my phone.

Four miss calls from Jongdae. A message from Jongdae. And a request in Skype.

" Cam, are you alright ? Please call me back. " The message wrote. He called me Cam.

I checked the request and it was Jongdae who added me.

I texted:

Kim Jongdae.

He replied after a few seconds:

As I recall, you should call me, not text.

So I decided to video call him by using Skype. I cover the front camera of my phone with my hand. I don't want him to see me like this. With my hair in a mess and me looking like a zombie.

" Are you alright, Cam ? " he said, picking up on the first ring.There he is, Kim Jongdae. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he appeared on the screen.

" I'm fine. How are you ? "

" I can't see you. "

" Mmhmm. "

" I don't think you're okay. "

" I am. I'm at the hospital right now, doing my check up. No biggie. And I look terrible, thats why. " I lied.

" Why ? Cam, you're pretty. And will always be. No matter what." he said, not even smiling. Hope was right. He is serious. I touched my screen, his lovely face. How I wish he was right in front of me.

" Because my hip is killing me. "

He didn't say anything. Only the beeping sounds left.

" When will I see you then ? "

" Tomorrow. I'll be going to the club with Hope. Jongdae, I have to go now. I'll talk to you tomorrow okay ? " Whereupon I started to feel pretty tired again.

" Okay. Promise ? "

" Promise. "

" Do I have to end the call again ? "

" Yes, just as you promised before. " and the line clicked dead.

I love you.

 ***

Before this, I was also in the ICU and it looked like I was going to die and my parents told me it was alright to let go. And I did. I was trying to let go but it just didn't work. Eventually, my cancer is not going away. Then, I told myself to forget about it. But I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried.

I woke up when I heard my mom crying. My parents came in and I reached up for them and tried to squeeze, but every part of my body hurts when I squeeze. Mom wouldn't stop crying and dad is just my hair. Something is wrong, and I have a feeling that it has something to do with me.

" Dr. Ayden gave you a PET scan. " Mom stopped, crying even harder.

I've always been telling myself not to cry in front of people who loved me.That I was strong, that my name's Cam. I look at my parents and smiled. " It's okay, I'm ready. "

Mom is just crying and crying. Dad squeezed my hand, he looks really sad. I'm not sure if I'm ready for this.

" Carmen. Your right hip, your liver. It's everywhere. " A tear rolled down his cheek.

Everywhere. The word was stuck in my brain awhile. I knew what it meant. Osteosarcoma likes me. It's taking the rest of me.

My mom was my hair. " Sweetie, I'm so sorry. " She said. I wonder why was mom apologizing when I'm the problem.

" We didn't want to tell you. " said dad, his voice shaking. "  But we couldn't be so selfish, we must tell you. We had to, Carmen. "

I hadn't said anything. I'm a grenade, I thought.

" Honey. " Mom said.

" I'm like a grenade. At some point I'm going to blow up and hurt everyone who loves me. " I want to minimize the casualties. I don't want to hurt Jongdae. I love him so so much.

" Carmen, please. " Dad said.

" How long do I have until I blow up ? "

" 2 months. " Dad said, and then choked up. Mom cried a lot.

" Okay. This will be our secret, alright ? Only the three of us. " I'm a grenade. Mr. Sandman decided to take me away after all. " Promise ? " I asked.

" Promise. " And we made a pinky promise.

I tensed up.

2 more months.

***

On Friday, I decided it's time to go home. Since there was nothing they could do to help me. I don't care if I was good to go or not. All I know is that I've made a promise with Jongdae, that I'll see him in the club today, and that is all that matters.

A nurse came in and took out all the pipes that were attached to my body. I went into the bathroom and bathed. I got dressed and when I got out, I had to lie down because I was so tired.

" Will you be seeing Jongdae ? " Mom asked.

" Yes. " I said, trying to get my breath. " I'll be going to the club with Hope today, he and Tao is performing tonight. "

" Carmen. You should really stay home and rest. " Dad said.

" Dad, I can't be a regular teenager anymore. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna blow up after 2 months. " I'm about to cry, but I continued, " I'm a grenade, dad. Before I die, please let me do my thing. Let me achieve my wishlist, at least ? " This world isn't fair. I have so many things that I've always wanted to try. But Mr. Sandman doesn't allow that. " And I don't have much time left. "

Mom is crying again while dad is just standing there, looking at me.

" Please. " I said. " It's now or never. " and then I cried.

I don't want to go with you, Mr. Sandman.

***

I took my phone out to check the call history. Hope used my phone to call Tao the other day when we were at the church. 

So I call him. 

" Hello ? " he said.

" Hey Tao, it's me Cam. Is Hope there ? " 

" Are you alright, Cam ? No, Hope is not here. "

" Can I meet you for a sec ? Just the two of us. Please. I need to tell you something. "