When I'm around you, I am on my best behavior. I try my best to be a good person, I try my best to keep my temper in check, because I want you to see the man that I can become. I want you to know that there is good in me, even though I am well aware of the rumours that reach your ears.  

Youngbae told me to not lead you on, because we'd both end up getting hurt. Seunghyun simply shook his head when I told him I loved you, because how could a young, free spirit like you fall in love with an empty shell of a man, like myself? But I indulged you. We danced around each other - we tango-ed, we waltzed, we did the salsa, we jitterbugged, I twirled you around, I dipped you down low, I lifted you up high, and every dance was as exhilarating as the last.

But I never wanted to be with you. I know I don't, and will never deserve you. I know how broken I am. And I was afraid that if you tried to fix me, I'd end up destroying you. I know you deserve to be with someone a thousand times better, because you are Lee Chaerin, and I am Kwon Jiyong, and you are my future, but I refuse to ruin yours.  

So this is why, when you tell me you love me, when I look at your hopeful eyes and the bright smile you wear and the pretty shade of pink slightly tinging your cheeks, and my heart screams for me to gather you in my arms and twirl you around until we both collapse to the ground in a heap of dizzying joy, I say, “No.”

You ask, why? And your face is confused and betrayed and distraught and I watch as the pretty shade of pink turns into a deep, deep red, the same shade of red that stains my cheeks whenever you catch me staring at you.

I could tell you that I am falling apart inside. I could tell you that right now, I want to kiss you and put an end to the slight quiver that is starting to show in your lips. I could tell you that I love you, I have only ever loved you, and every day my heart breaks with the loving of you.

But when I envision us together, I see you trying hard to piece me together, and slowly drowning in grief as you realise that you can’t fix me, because no one can. I see you struggling to find a reason to stay in the relationship, and I see you forcing yourself to stay anyway, because you are stubborn, and because you have always had faith in me.

So I tell you I do not love you. I tell you we could never happen, and I tell you we can only have a professional relationship.

I can only love you silently; because that is the only way I know how to love you, that is how I have loved you for the past four years.

When you walk away with shaky legs, I collapse to the floor and scream, scream with all my might into my balled up fists, and my heart is shattering into a million pieces, pieces that never belonged to me in the first place – because they were yours from the moment I laid my eyes on you.

So we begin to walk on eggshells around each other, finally adhering to the line between friendship and relationship. I watch as you find hope in Lee Soo Hyuk, and I watch as your wounds heal, while mine remain wide open.

Maybe someday, when I am sure I won’t break your heart, when I am confident of myself, and when I find the strength to heal those wounds – maybe then, I can come back and claim what is rightfully mine.

A/N: I apologise for writing two pretty depressing fics in a row, but I read a lot of sad short stories yesterday so I had to channel all my grief into this one. Hopefully the next one won't be a downer!

Also - on a scale of Justin Timberlake to Lydia Paek ft Tablo how well can you sing Suit and Tie? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=27pWSYExT80 - So amazing. Feelings all over the place.

Anyway, do comment, and tell me what you think!