Kikwang watched the reflection of his face very carefully. The dark circles under his eyes were making him look dead, but then again, he hadn’t slept in days. His eyes weren’t bright anymore and they hurt most of the time. His face was oily and dirty. His unshaven beard and moustache were causing him distress. In all actuality, he couldn’t recognize himself anymore. It just wasn’t him who was staring back at him. It was just a man who didn’t deserve to call himself a man anymore.

“Kikwang…”

Kikwang closed his eyes tightly as he bent his head away from the mirror.

“What?” he asked as he turned the faucet on and splashed water onto his face.

Jiyong walked into the bathroom and leaned against the doorframe.

“Anything?” Kikwang asked.

Jiyong sighed.

“Not really. The police said she was spotted in the neighborhood a day or so ago…but they couldn’t tell me exactly where.”

Kikwang let out a small curse under his breath. He stood straight and looked at his reflection once more.

“Thanks” he mumbled as he wiped the water away from his face.

“Kikwang…are you sure you should be doing this?” Jiyong asked.

Kikwang turned his back to the mirror and finally looked at Jiyong.

“Why shouldn’t I?” he countered, his eyes flashing with anger.

Jiyong sighed as he held up his hand in defense.

“Look…you’re still in shock.”

Kikwang walked past Jiyong and exited the bathroom. Jiyong followed and they didn’t speak again until they were out in the hallway.

“I know you want to find her and hurt her…but you can’t really control yourself right now” Jiyong continued.

His voiced had dropped as they passed by a group of doctors. Kikwang stopped walking.

“Are you saying she doesn’t deserve this?” he asked.

Jiyong frowned.

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that I don’t want you to do something stupid and get thrown in jail for something you will regret.”

Kikwang stepped up to Jiyong, the anger within him rising.

“She almost killed Sohee” he whispered angrily.

He paused a bit as he struggled to continue speaking.

“She…” he began.

Kikwang took in a deep breath, tears in his eyes.

“She killed my child” he finally said, his voice breaking.

Jiyong looked down and didn’t reply. Kikwang took a moment to compose himself. It had been a week since everything had happened. Sohee had only awoken the day before. She had suffered severe blood loss but she had pulled through in the end.

Hyosung…

Kikwang put his hand on Jiyong’s shoulder.

“Go see Sohee. If she asks for me, tell her I will see her in a bit.”

Jiyong nodded.

As Kikwang turned away, Jiyong spoke up.

“And what about Hyosung?” he asked.

Kikwang swallowed the lump in his throat. He could hear the anger in Jiyong’s voice. He could understand why. After all, Kikwang hadn’t seen Hyosung in three days.

 He just couldn’t bring himself to look at her.

“She won’t ask for me” Kikwang finally replied as he walked away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As the door opened, Hyosung didn’t even bother to look up.

She knew it wouldn’t be Kikwang.

“How are you today?” she heard Jiyong ask.

Hyosung remained silent.

Jiyong sighed. He didn’t want to admit it but it was getting harder and harder to come see her. She had always been like an older sister to him rather than a cousin and it hurt him deeply to see her like this.

He pulled a chair to her bedside and sat down before he put a small chocolate bar next to her hand. She looked up at him and he barely managed a small smile.

“Your favorite” he replied as he nudged her to take it.

She placed her hand on the snack but didn’t bother to open it and Jiyong decided to ignore the lack of effort.

“I talked to Sohee today. She is getting better and better every day. The doctors said that she should be able to stand and walk in a few days.”

Jiyong stopped talking as he looked at Hyosung. She was staring at him and his stomach dropped. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat and took a deep breath.

“He’s not coming today” he finally said.

Jiyong looked away in shame.

Hyosung had always done so much for him and yet he could never do anything for her…not even give her good news.

He looked back to Hyosung and frowned when she had not reacted to his news. She sat still and with the sad eyes that he was starting to resent.

He suddenly snatched the candy bar from her and tore it open before he roughly handed it back to her.

“Eat” he commanded.

When she didn’t move to grab the snack, Jiyong dropped it on the bed. He took a deep breath as he prepared himself. When he finally found the courage, he turned to fully face her.

“You’re pissing me off” he finally said.

Hyosung’s eyes widened but she didn’t say anything.

“You can’t be like this Hyosung! You just can’t! Do you think I like coming here, day after day, just to see you die inside more and more?! I hate seeing you like this. This isn’t like you. Why won’t you talk to me?! Why aren’t you screaming and demanding me to bring Kikwang to you. Why don’t you tell me how you feel?! Why don’t you do anything, Hyosung!? You just sit there!!”

By now, Jiyong was standing, hovering above Hyosung, and looking at her with tears in his eyes.

Hyosung stared at him in shock, her eyes wide. She opened to speak but no words came out. She had never expected for Jiyong to ever react this way.

“I understand Hyosung….I understand that you are going through a lot” he said in a low voice.

He took her hand as his own tears started to fall.

“I know that this event is tearing you apart. I know that all you wanted was to be happy with Kikwang and…..the baby.”

He let out a shaky breath before he continued.

“I know this is hard for you but you have to fight on. How can you let this defeat you? You are strong and eventually, the pain will lessen….but you’re not fighting. You just sit there.”

He couldn’t go on anymore. She was nothing more than a zombie to him now and as much as it would hurt him, he was starting to give up on her.

“……..I’m sorry”

Jiyong snapped his head up to look at Hyosung. He was surprised to see the tears running down her face.

“I know” he replied, his voice cracking.

Hyosung closed her eyes tightly as the tears continued to roll down her face. She gripped his hand tightly as she sobbed.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“How are you doing?”

Sohee looked over at Kikwang.

“Better” she simply replied.

She watched as Kikwang continued to look at the floor. He hadn’t looked at her at all.

“That’s good to hear” he replied.

There was silence between them for a while.

“How are you?” she asked suddenly.

Kikwang sighed as he closed his eyes.

“I couldn’t be any worse than I am” he replied.

Sohee frowned. She glanced out of the hospital window. It was dark.

“Any news?” she asked.

Kikwang shook his head.

“Nothing. She hasn’t been seen in days” Kikwang answered.

Sohee closed her eyes as she could hear the pure hatred in her brother’s voice. Kikwang sniffed and cleared his throat as he tried to stop his tears from coming forth.

He had so much anger and hate built up, for himself and that woman. He found himself wondering many times a day about how deep his hate could go and where it would take him.

“Oppa…”

He composed himself as quick as he could, slowly lifting his head to finally look at Sohee. She froze as she saw his eyes.

“Listen to me.”

Sohee slowly nodded her head.

Kikwang swallowed, biting down his emotions.

He couldn’t do this anymore.

“You can’t stay with me anymore. I called dad….”

He paused at the word.

“I called him and he will take care of you from now on” he finished.

Sohee’s eyes widened at the news.

“But why?” she asked, her voice rising slightly.

Kikwang shook his head.

“Because I can’t protect you Sohee! Because I don’t even know if I can live on like this, with all this ing guilt and hatred!? Because I don’t know what I can do anymore!? Pick a reason!!”

“Oppa” Sohee said, her voice cracking.

Kikwang turned his back on her.

“Don’t call me that anymore.”

When he turned back to look at her, he was different.

“Live a good life.”

He said nothing else as he walked out of the hospital room.

Sohee closed her eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hyosung opened her eyes as she felt his presence.

“You’re home” she whispered as she sat up from the bed.

She squinted in the darkness to see him before she the lamp on the night stand.

Kikwang looked at her, his tired eyes brightening up ever so slightly.

She had been discharged from the hospital that morning and she had gone back to their home to wait for him.

As Hyosung looked at him, she felt her heart beat quicken. They hadn’t seen each other in over a week. They hadn’t talked in over a week and they hadn’t been in the same room in over a week.

But more than anything, they weren’t the same people that they had been just last week.

Hyosung pulled back the covers, silently inviting him. Kikwang didn’t protest as he took off his coat and tossed it to the floor. He made his way over and dropped his weight down onto the bed.

He was too tired.

As he shifted to get comfortable, Hyosung pulled the covers over him as he to his side to look at her.

Hyosung let her fingers linger over his arm as Kikwang let his eyes take in every detail of her face.

She looked so different from what he had remembered.

“I don’t what to say” he voiced softly.

Hyosung had to control herself. She had forgotten how lovely his voice was to her ears.

She showed him a sad smile.

“Yes you do” she countered.

As she looked into his eyes, she could see everything he had been wanting to say to her and even the things he didn’t want to say.

She bit her lower lip as she looked down to the space between them on the bed.

“I’m so sorry” she whispered to him.

Kikwang closed his eyes tightly as he heard those words.

“I blame myself….I hate myself. I want to die” she finished off.

She touched his face.

“Am I right?” she asked.

Kikwang nodded as he opened his eyes to look at her. His words, coming from her, sounded sweet.

“And much more than that” he voiced.

He took her hand in his.

“I want to say so much more than that, Hyosung.”

He looked at their hands.

“Would it be better if I said it?” he asked.

Hyosung shook her head.

“Don’t tell me. Don’t say those words to me Kikwang.”

Hyosung let her tears fall.

“Do what you want but don’t tell me those words. I wouldn’t be able to handle it.”

Kikwang pulled her to him in an embrace.

“Even if I could bring myself to say the rest of what I had to say….I don’t think I would finish. I would break down. I would become a coward and let myself get lost in this moment.”

He hugged Hyosung closer.

“I’m sorry that you met me. I’m sorry I put you through everything. I’m sorry that our baby…. I’m sorry….I’m so sorry.”

He paused as his own emotions got the better of him. He could see clearly anymore, both physically and mentally. As his tears fells, he buried his face in her hair.

He would be selfish once more and keep his next words buried deep down.

‘Please hate me more than you ever loved me…’

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hyorin had not expected to see her friend standing in front of her.

“Hyosung? What are you doing here? You should be at home resting” she lectured.

Hyosung ignored Hyorin and simply offered her a small smile.

“I am home” she said in a low voice.

“What?” Hyorin asked.

It was then that she noticed the suitcase at Hyosung’s feet.

“What is this?” she asked as she stepped aside.

Hyosung grabbed the suitcase and made her way inside. When she finally put the suitcase down by the couch, she took a deep breath and turned to face Hyorin.

“Hyosung…what’s going on?” Hyorin asked with concern.

Hyosung looked around the apartment before finally meeting Hyorin’s eyes.

“Kikwang and I broke up.”

She looked down.

“He’s gone…he left this morning.”

Hyorin stepped up to Hyosung.

“W-what?! What are you saying? Why did you break up? Why would he leave?! How could he do this to you? You just had a miscarriage and he leaves you?!” she asked hysterically.

Hyosung placed her hands on Hyorin’s shoulders to calm her down.

“Hyorin…I had to let him go” she voiced.

“Hyosung, you’re not making any sense to me! Why would you let him go? You love him.”

“Which is why I had to let him go, Hyorin…”

Hyorin let out an annoyed sigh but as she saw Hyosung’s face, her face twisted with concern.

“Hyosung…what happened?”

Hyosung sunk down onto the couch.

“No matter how much he loves me and how much I love him…we can’t be together, not until he can forgive himself. I don’t blame for anything that has happened and neither does Sohee…but Kikwang can’t come to terms with that just yet. I believe that once he can let go of his unnecessary guilt…he will come back and he will find me waiting for him”

Hyosung took a deep breath before she stood up.

“I’m going to go rest for a bit. Sorry I just dropped all of this on you.”

Hyorin shook her head.

“Don’t worry about it. Get some rest.”

Hyosung nodded and picked up her suitcase and made her way to her room.

“Hyosung.”

Hyosung stopped and looked back at Hyorin.

“Don’t worry…he’ll come back one day. It will work out. Just be patient. I’ll be here to wait with you.”

Hyorin smiled at her friend and Hyosung nodded as she smiled back.

Once she entered her room, Hyosung closed the door and put her suitcase down in the closet. She took off her jacket and hung it up. As she looked at the jacket, she pulled out a small, folded note from the pocket. As she held it, she slowly sunk down to the floor as she finally let herself cry. She placed her hand over as she cried. What if this note was all you would ever have of him? What he if he didn’t come back?

I would never understand why you would love someone like me but I want to hope that one day you won’t.

I know where Na Jun is. She was spotted in our old house. I’m going after her but I don’t know what I will do after I find her. I’m scared of what I could do. I’m scared that something will happen. If I don’t come back, don’t cry over me. Just turn your love into hate for me.

I love you, Jun Hyosung and I’m sorry. All I wanted was to be with you. I was selfish.

I won’t ask you to wait but I only ask you to live. Please watch over Sohee. She never did anything wrong.

Goodbye.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Oh my god. FORGIVE ME A THOUSAND TIMES OVER. I took sooooooo long to update this even though I said it would only be 3 weeks. I had soooo much trouble updating this. I won’t excuses anymore but I hope that you guys are still with me and haven’t abandoned me!! Anyway, I finally updated! Let’s celebrate. And also….there are only 2 chapters left in this story. What will happen?? Do you think Kikwang will find his mom and actually kill her??? I don’t know what he will do!!!