"Soojung ah! Wake up!"

 

I roll my eyes, standing up to open the door slightly. "I already am awake, jeez!" I shout at my sister, my annoyance clear in my voice. I hated being told what to do. At the age of nineteen, I still do.  I was just fixing my make-up, applying my last coat of mascara so I haven't walked outside of my room yet.

 

Although I wanted to look more decent on my first day at the university, I slept rather late talking to Amber, something that was easy while I still had vacation but will be hard once school starts. We haven't talked much in a week. Mostly we would just e-mail each other. They were usually long on my behalf, but short on hers. She expressed herself better when speaking.

 

She was busy settling in after their second move to a new apartment in L.A. She was also was super busy with basketball and university. When I tried to call their house phone, no one answered. She told me they were moving a day or two after they settled in. I missed her…a lot. Her voice...the warmth of it. 

 

I could see that my eyes were swollen and reddish from lack of sleep. My whole body felt heavy and I just wanted to lie back down and sleep. But unfortunately, I couldn’t. Though I felt sleepy and tired, I smiled at my reflection for a little. I can do this. Amber already told me that I’ll be able to handle it. “You’re Jung Soojung, after all,” she told me with that goofy grin of hers.

 

Still, I sighed and opened my bag, putting inside the things I needed for today. I was nervous as hell.  Only Amber's constant reminders from last night will keep me up my feet today, I can feel it.

 

Slinging my bag on my shoulders, I walk outside of my room. The sweet smell of eggs and bacon filled the air, making my stomach growl. It reminded me of the Western breakfasts that Amber cooked for me when she was still here. But instead of a short-haired blonde girl, I was greeted by a petite girl with long, brown hair.

 

“I could hear the both of you from my room,” she remarked with a raised brow before turning back to her cooking, turning the stove off and placing the food on top of the plate she put on the table. Her room was just across mine and through the thin walls of our house, it would be impossible for her not to hear us. I felt sorry for her. My sister was a very light sleeper. But because of timezones, I couldn't really call Amber earlier. She sat down after placing the pan on top of the stove, looking at me pointedly.

 

I pull my chair away from the table, sitting on it heavily. “I’m sorry. You know we haven’t talked that much lately and—“

 

“Why are you still holding onto her, Soojung?”

 

Her question surprised me. Jessica was a good older sister. She never was one to tell me what to do but when she noticed something wrong, that was when she commented. Her eyes bore into mine, trying to find an answer. And I looked down to my plate, reaching out to get some bacon, only for my wrist to be slapped.

 

I looked up at her, eyes widening. 

 

“I asked you a question, Jung Soojung,” she says calmly but I could see the sparks of anger in her eyes.

 

“I have nothing to say, unnie. You know I love Amber. Isn't that reason enough?” Slowly, my patience was getting thin. I haven’t had enough sleep and she was asking me a question she knew damn well the answer to.  I’ve had enough of this from the girls that used to go to my school. Her fans were still hoping for their oppa to come back and break up to me. Or break up with me through the phone.

 

“Long distance relationships just don’t work.” That’s what they said.

 

“I’m sorry, Soojung ah… Your unnie is just worried. You know that long distance—“

 

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW, HUH?” I shout at her, standing up from my chair. “What do you know?” I ask in a much softer tone, tears starting to build in the corners of my eyes. I really didn’t need this from her, out of all people. I expected her to support me not to question my relationship. Everyone was so against me and Amber that having my own sistr say things like this hurt.

 

But in mere minutes she had her arms wrapped around me. I buried my face against her shoulder, crying quietly. I almost never cried. Not in front of anyone, not even in front of Amber when she left. But I was so upset lately. Me and her hardly had time to talk. It seemed to me that the distance between us wasn't the only thing that stopped us from talking, but that she also didn't want to talk to me anymore. The doubts that piled inside of my head were heavy and kept me up at night. I just couldn't hold it in any longer.

 

“I was asking because I see you like this every day. Ever since she left,” she began saying, my hair. “And I’m afraid you’ll be the way you were five years ago. I don’t want that to happen because I don’t know if you can handle that.”

 

Her arms wrapped around me tighter as I tried to hold in the tears. My heart hurt. I missed Amber so much. I wanted to hug her, to fall asleep beside her. I wanted to just feel her close. I want to feel safe in her embrace. And I wanted to say all of this to Sooyeon but just thinking it made me feel so pathetic.

 

“My make-up is ruined,” I whined to her as I pulled away.

 

“Retouch. I can drive you today, okay?” Her tone was gentle this time as she fixed my hair.

 

I nod in response, walking up to the stairs, but not before stopping to tell her, “We’re going to make this work, unnie. I know we can make this work.”

 

--

 

Soojung walked up the stairs, leaving her sister watching the small of her back. She had lost some weight in the past few months that Amber was gone. It broke her heart to see her sister in this state yet again. And to be the one to cause her to break down like that made  her feel guilty. But she couldn’t help but ask her. Not after her and Amber’s conversation just a few days before they stopped talking.

 

“Unnie…should I let Soojunng go? Now…” She paused, and I waited patiently for her to continue. “Now that I don’t know when I’ll be back in Korea, I don’t know how she’ll be able to handle a long distance relationship.”

 

I closed my eyes, sighing deeply. I would get too ahead of myself if I said that she won’t be able to handle it. I knew my sister was strong, but how strong? Instead of giving her a concrete answer, I say, “I don’t know, Amber. Can you let her go?”

 

There was nothing to be heard on the other line. I don’t know if she was thinking or she already knew the answer to my question but just refused to answer. Knowing Amber, I decided that it was the latter.

 

She called me out of nowhere. Ever since the party we held for her to see her off, she and I haven’t talked. Mostly because I thought her and Soojung should have some alone time. I wanted to talk to her about my little sister but figured that it was better to let them be. But right now that she was asking for my opinion, I didn’t hold back.

 

“You know, Amber. I had to let go of someone in the past, too. It wasn’t easy. Letting go is one of the hardest things to do. We cling onto so much. Memories and people who are – were – in our memories are often the hardest to let go. We’re afraid to let go of happiness once we grasp it tightly. But you know what?”

 

“…What?”

 

“Letting go means making way for that person’s happiness. If you’re no longer the reason they’re happy, then you’ve fulfilled your job and it’s time to let not only them, but you, move on.”

 

The other line went silent. I swallow the lump in my throat. Saying something like this might end to something I didn’t want to the both of them. But knowing the way they are right now made me hurt for the both of them.

 

“Goodnight, Amber.”

 

The line was still silent before I ended the conversation.

 

 

The older Jung sighed heavily, remembering their conversation. She was worried that the two of them broke up which explained why the younger hardly talked to her. Always in a daze, barely eating…it reminded her of how she was after their parents died. So a part of her was glad that they talked yesterday night even though it pained her to listen to her sister trying to keep herself from saying that she missed Amber.

 

Before she dwelled too much on the matter, she started clearing the table, washing their plates and setting it to dry. Soojung came down the stairs as she was wiping her hands against a towel.

 

“Ready, baby Jung?”

 

“Unnie, I’m not a baby anymore,” the younger replied, giving her sister a look of disapproval.

 

She smiled. “I know.” Sometimes I wished you still were. Then you won’t hurt like this.  “Let’s go?”

 

The younger Jung nodded, trying to smile. “Yeah.”

 

 

It took them fifteen minutes longer to get to the university. Soojung was running late but she didn’t look like she minded. The whole car ride, she was looking outside the window, dazed. Jessica kept looking at her sideways, not knowing how to break her from her trance.

 

A few times she opened , wanting to tell her about her conversation with Amber. But when she tried, her words got caught in the back of and she resumed driving.

 

The silence in the car was heavy. It was too much for Jessica so she was relieved when they arrive at Sungkyunkwan.

 

“We’re here,” she says as she pulls over the parking lot. It took Soojung a couple of minutes to tear her gaze away from the window. She only murmurs a quick bye to her before she opens the door and slams it in Jessica’s face.

 

No, her conscience couldn’t take it anymore. She had to tell her.

 

She opens her door, rushing to her sister, grabbing hold of her shoulder. Soojung looks at her with wide innocent eyes.

 

The words once again get stuck on the back of , forming a lump. She smiles, wrapping her arms around her sister. Soojung couldn’t see her face, but it was filled with conflict. Her arms wrap around the younger’s tightly, softly whispering an apology.

 

“Unnie—Are you okay?” She asks.

 

 She hears the concern in her voice and puts on her best poker face as she pulls away, fixing her hair, the collar of her uniform. Just like the way their mother did before they had to catch the bus to school.  “I’m okay, Soojungie. Now go on. You’re late enough as it is. Call me after you’re finished if you want me to pick you up.”

 

The younger nods and turns around without another word.

 

Jessica whispers another apology before getting back inside the car.

 

__

 

“Amber?”

 

I look up, fixing my reading glasses and smile at Sulli. “Hi there, Ssul,” I say in English.

 

She pulls out the seat beside me, putting her bag on top of the table. Soon, we are joined by Taemin who was, for today, Sulli’s personal servant after losing a bet last week on who could drink the most shots of tequila. Taemin lost and his loss was clear in his features.

 

“So how’s Soojung?” Sulli asks curiously, taking her tray from Taemin with a smug smile.

 

I smile a little. “Alright. And what’s up with you two? Did you guys get together while I was away?”

 

They begin their usual banter and I laugh along, smile, ask questions at the right times. I could tell they noticed how hallow my laugh sounded but they didn’t ask questions. When Sulli opened to, Taemin took her hand and shook his head.  

 

I smile apologetically. I hadn’t been myself for a while. Thinking too much had drained my energy. School wasn’t kind, either. We were a assigned a hundred photo project. Each one should represent a different theme and most of my grade this term depended on it.

 

But this wasn’t the only thing I was worrying about, though.

 

While they were out partying, I stayed up all night talking to Soojung. I missed her greatly. Her beautiful smile, musical laugh and just everything about her that made her into the girl I loved. When I looked at couples around campus, I wish she was here beside me. Right now.

 

After my conversation with Jessica unnie, I didn’t know what to do now. I didn’t think it’d be this hard, having this kind of relationship. There were timezones to think about, schoolwork and hanging out with friends. If I could, I would spend every day talking to her. It hurt so much. I miss her so much.

 

“By the way, Liu. Remember our bet?”

 

My train of thought was cut because of Taemin’s question and I look at him, blinking. “Bet?”

 

“You know,” he said as he munched on some fries. I wonder how someone could look graceful while eating fries as fast as he did. “The one we made before you left?”

 

Sulli seemed to freeze on the spot beside me. I shifted my gaze from her to Taemin and then it clicked.

 

“Oh that one!”

 

--

 

A few years ago…

 

“We’re moving?!”

 

“Yes, Amber. Back to Korea. Aren’t you excited? The last time we went there was when you were a baby.”

 

I stared at my parents sitting down on the sofa. I just got home from basketball practice with my team when suddenly I was informed that we were going back to Korea. All my life I’ve always wanted a place to belong and now that I finally found that place, it seems that it’s going to be taken away from me yet again. For years I’ve struggled to fit in and now I have to do it all over again. I hate my life.

 

Without a word, I stormed upstairs to my room, locking the door behind me and plopped my body on top of my bed, burying my face against my pillow. I usually didn’t cry. The few times I did, it was because of things that really hurt me. But right now, I let myself cry.

 

How can they decide this so suddenly?!Don’t I have a say on the matter? Since they’re old, they don’t mind moving away from place to place. Thinking about leaving my friends behind, my club and everything – basically my life – hurt. 

 

“They don’t know anything,” I mumbled. Right now, I felt so pathetic but I seriously couldn’t help it. I just wanted a place to belong.

 

The next few weeks, we started packing and finalizing some papers. I didn’t talk to my parents much. Just gave them one or two word answers. I was blaming them for everything even though I know that I can’t. Even though they bribed me with fried chicken and lasagna, I didn’t give in.

 

“Amber, we’re going to miss you, man,” Taemin, one of my closest guy friends and member of the basketball club said.

 

I looked at him, forcing a smile on my face. “Yeah.”

 

“Y-You should visit…w-when you can…”

 

I bit my lower lip as I tried not to look at Sulli, the girl who I’ve been crushing on for the past few weeks since I joined the basketball team. I still found it odd that I was crushing on a girl even though I was a girl. Ever since I was little, I always felt more…boyish. I liked girls, you know, had those small crushes?  But I didn’t like them as much as I like Sulli. I just didn't have the guts to tell her because...what if she didn't like girls? Or she just thought of me as a friend? I couldn't risk it. 

 

I thought she was adorable because of her shyness. She just moved to our school and even though she was tall, she was younger than me. Right now she was timidly eating, moving closer to me each second because she was slightly uncomfortable around Taemin who was tall and slightly intimidating. Not to mention, he was a boy and Sulli once told me that boys scared her a little. Even though she's like that, she was still kind and thoughtful. 

 

“I’ll try. But no promises. Maybe when I finish high school there, I will. I’ll miss you guys.”

 

Taemin reached out to pat me on the back. “Who knows, maybe we’ll get to meet in Korea. My dad has connections there after all.”

 

Sulli nodded enthusiastically, making me want to hug her. “I can go there too,” she whispered shyly.

 

Seeing my friends like this just made me even sadder. We continued to talk like this until the bell rang. Sulli was even offering me a place at her house. I’ve been to her place a couple of times with Taemin ever since we became friends and her mother adored me so she said she didn’t mind. I wish I could say yes to Sulli’s offer. Maybe if I did, we’ll get even closer…

 

Amber J. Liu stop that.

 

“Sure. I’m betting that I’ll get myself a girlfriend before Taemin.” I snickered, earning me a scoff from Taemin.

 

“Liu, you’re handsome for a girl, I admit that. But don’t get too cocky. How about if you get yourself a girl, and Sulli gets someone for herself, I’ll treat you for food every day when you visit here?”

 

Snorting, I punched him square in the arm. “Just food? You have to give us more than that, right, Ssul?”

 

Sulli jumped in her seat, blinking and nodded. Even though I was sure she didn’t know what we were talking about since she was lost in her own world. I smiled at her and she returned it. For a moment, I couldn’t break eye contact. My smile fell as I looked into her eyes.

 

Hey, will I be able to tell you what I feel before I leave?

 

“Hey! I’m still here, you two lovebirds,” Taemin said, snapping his fingers in between our faces. I looked away from Sulli and she resumed looking down at her meal. Although I couldn’t see my face, I knew I was blushing.

 

“Anyways, in return for you winning this bet…”

 

--

 

I laugh, looking at Sulli after recalling the bet we childishly made. It surprised me that Taemin actually took me seriously. But hey why not? “Did you get yourself a boyfriend now, Ssul?” I ask teasingly.

 

She blushes, and I hear Taemin snicker in the background. Even though we haven’t seen each other in a while, she still had some of her shyness. It made me smile and I reach out to pat her head. “Don’t worry. You don’t need to tell me now. I was just teasing.”

 

“Anyways. Liu, show me a picture of Soojung,” Taemin said, reaching out to grab my bag.

 

I snatch it away from him in time, shaking my head. “No. I’m afraid that after you see her you’ll fall in love with her.”

 

He sits back on his seat, slinging his leg over the other, rolling his eyes. “Is she really that pretty?”

 

“Yes, she is. She’s the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and you know what—“

 

“I’ll…be heading off now,” Sulli says, slinging her bag over her shoulder and picks up her tray. “I-I’ll see you guys after school…” Before I could say anything, she had already placed her tray near the counter and ran outside of the cafeteria.

 

Taemin snickers, yet again, finishing off his fries. “Young love, eh?”

 

I furrow my eyebrows and continue eating, bothered by her behavior. She usually didn’t act that way. I wonder if her boyfriend was treating her right. If he wasn’t, then he and I will definitely have a talk. As I finish my meal, I see Taemin observing me.

 

“What?”

 

“Photo, Liu. I’m waiting.”

 

Sighing, I give in and fish my wallet out of the smallest pocket of my backpack, opening it and taking out a picture I took of Soojung’s side profile as she was smiling at the fireworks in the sky. It was taken at our class’ field trip to Jeju Island and I prepared a little event for us with the help of our classmates.

 

He whistles when he sees the picture, handing it back to me with a small smirk. “Wow… You really got yourself a looker.”

 

I put the photo back securely inside my wallet and back inside my backpack. “Shut up, Tae.”

 

“You know, if this whole long distance thing doesn’t work out between the both of you, I’m going to Korea next year so you know, you can—“

 

“No!” I shouted. Surprised by the volume of my voice, I blinked. Where did that come from? 

 

Taemin looks at me with concern flickering in his brown eyes. He was about to open his mouth to speak but I shook my head, pack up my belongings and took my tray to the counter. I didn’t even look back when I jogged outside of the campus. My classes were done for today and I needed some air.

 

“If you’re no longer the reason they’re happy, then you’ve fulfilled your job and it’s time to let not only them, but you, move on.”

_____________________

 

A/N: A long update to make up for the long period of no updates! Apologies for that. I've been busy with school and so tired. But the long weekend is here and I also have my fall break after next week. Updates will surely be posted more often now. Hope you guys like this recent chapter. I decided to make a little time skip and change POVs now so I hope you guys like it! I also write Jessica now instead of Sooyeon. Tell me what you think of the Sulber, too ~

@KBNye24

Thanks so much!