Deep inside, I felt like throwing up. But at the same time, I was enjoying this. There was some sick pleasure to watching horror movies and I was sad that I didn’t discover it before today. Me, my sister and Amber were sitting in the living room, all the lights off but one which was the lamp beside the couch.

We were all seated with a warm blanket on our laps. I was sitting with my legs crossed, my sister’s legs on top of my lap with Amber sitting on the floor with a small pillow fort surrounding her. My sister had insisted that Amber sit with us but I gave her a warning look.  Even though my sister was persistent, she knew that when I gave her that look that she should stop. She did, but not without giving me a knowing smile.

God. I loved her but sometimes she just knew which buttons to press to irritate the hell out of me.

After dinner, we had washed the dishes and Sooyeon suggested that we watch a movie that she just bought, hearing that it received a lot of good feedback. He said that it was one of the best movies of 2013 and for a moment, I believed her. How wrong I was.

There are times in the middle of the movie that I looked at Amber. From this angle I could see only half of her face. Her shoulders looked so tense like she was ready to spring outside of the house.

“Other than being alone, I’m really scared of the dark.”

I just looked at her and she looked back at me, shyly scratching the back of her neck.

“There was an accident once when I was little. We were playing hide and seek and I locked myself inside the storage room. I fell asleep while waiting for my sister to find me. When I woke up it was nighttime and I was alone.” She looked up, closing her eyes. “They found me after almost two hours. It was scary, being in the dark like that.”

Knowing that she was afraid of the dark but still endured all of this made me feel so guilty for some reason. Yet I shook my head, looking at the TV and paid attention.

A ghost suddenly appeared, but the lights inside the hospital room were flickering and as the lights flickered, she walked closer and closer to the person standing in the doorway. The lights stopped flickering for a few seconds, the main character heaving a sigh of relief when suddenly, the lights were turned off and on again and the ghost was right in front of him.

I screamed, and Amber screamed, jumping from where she was sitting and jumped on top of the sofa. I was too busy covering my face with my pillow to notice her, but she was shaking as hell when she wrapped her arms around my neck, refusing to look at the screen. Sooyeon was right beside me and she was laughing at our reactions, her hand on her stomach as she laughed.

Lowering down the pillow, I gazed at Amber who was clinging to me as if I was her life line. From this close I could smell her hair. She smelled of my shampoo and conditioner, but something distinct as well. It reminded me of the smell of pancakes in the morning with the smell of my own shampoo. Unconsciously, I reached out to her hair, trying to soothe her. She was still shaking but not as much.

I looked at Sooyeon who was still laughing and glared at her. “Let’s stop watching and go to sleep.”

She raised a brow, looking at my hand on Amber’s hair to my face. “Okay, if you say so.” I watched her as she the lights and walked to the bathroom to start preparing to sleep.

Sighing, I shifted my attention to Amber. “Are you still alive?”

When she looked up at me, my throat went dry. Her eyes were large and frightened, glistening with unshed tears while her lower lip shook slightly. She looked so pale. If she was this scared, she could have just said so. We could have watched another movie.

 Our faces were once again close with each other and I could hear her panting slightly. This was the first time I saw her so vulnerable and I didn’t know how to react. My heart was beating awfully fast but I blamed it on the scare that we had to see just moments ago.

I looked away, biting my lower lip. “Let go of me,” I said quietly.

She didn’t at first. But slowly she did. She walked away from my side and entered the bathroom just when my sister walked out of it.

“Now I know why you don’t want her as a friend.”

Looking up I saw Sooyeon behind me. I just looked at her, suddenly nervous that she knew what was going on inside my head. Was I too transparent? She smiled at me, placing her hand on my head, my hair just like our mother did occasionally and left me.

When she left, I just stared at the TV screen which was now black. The clock was ticking and the only sounds were coming from the bathroom. I stood up after a couple of minutes, walking to the bathroom door and knocked. There was no answer at first, but then slowly the door opened revealing Amber who was looking at me with wild eyes. She had just washed her face and was tapping her cheek with a towel, drying it.

We stood staring at each other. She stopped and let the towel and her hand drop. I don’t know what happened, but I grabbed her hand and guided her upstairs where my room was. My lamp was on and my desk was orderly and clean. The same was with my bed. Sooyeon had already laid out another mattress with pillows and a newly changed blanket for Amber. I pulled her to my bed, asking her to sit down and while holding her hand, I leaned close to kiss her cheek.

It was soft and when I pulled away, she was blushing. I didn’t know if I was blushing too but I looked down so that my face wasn’t seen. She interlaced her fingers with mine, rubbing her thumb against my knuckles. Silence fell between the both of us.

“I think I’m starting to like you…more than I should,” I whisper, afraid to break the comfortable silence between us.

Amber laughed softly. “It took you this long to realize that?”

I didn’t answer. Inside I was still confused. Liking a girl…liking Amber. A part of me knew this ever since before. There was a reason why I kept my distance. A larger part of me thought that it was simply dislike and maybe a little jealousy. But mostly I was just scared… It’s been a year since I started noticing her.

I was curious. I was curious as to why she was loved by so many. Why, even though the guys were jealous of her, she seemed to win them over. I wanted to know how she managed to smile like that and not me. Whenever I passed by, listening in to some of their conversations, I find myself laughing or smiling because of her. Whenever our eyes accidentally met, I would break eye contact but I wanted so much to look into her eyes and ask her, “How do you do it?”

Getting closer to Amber changed everything. Now this feeling that I had been trying to ignore is making me feel confused yet I knew my words were true.

I gripped Amber’s hand, biting my lower lip. She reached out, brushing my hair away from my face, placing it behind my ear and cupped my chin, smiling at me. “We’ll take our time. You don’t need to rush. I’ll wait until you can honestly and firmly say that you like me. In the meantime,” she paused, leaning her forehead against mine. “I’ll make you fall for me.”

I stared at her, blinking and punched her arm very hard. I’ve been wanting to do that ever since I acknowledged my feeling for her. She laughed only, rubbing her arm and wrapped her arm around me, pulling me against her chest. I tried to move away but she held me tightly so I slowly relaxed, listening to her breathing and her heartbeat. Amber rested her chin on top of my head, hugging me tightly that I was afraid that I would be squeezed to death.

“We’re not even together yet and you’re taking advantage of me already.”

“I just want to hug you. This is a perfectly normal and friendly hug,” she protests and I just roll my eyes at her.

“Friendly, really? I see how it is.”

“You know what I mean!” She says, pulling slightly away and looks down at me, frowning.

“Right,” I say and couldn’t help but smile a little.

“You’re teasing me.”

“Nope, I’m not.”

“Yes, you are.”

Rolling my eyes, I pushed myself away from her and kicked her out of my bed with force. “Get off of my bed. I want to sleep.”

“Nope,” she says, squeezing herself between me and the wall. She pulls at the covers and and I exclaim, almost falling off of my bed yet she wraps her arm around my waist, pulling me closer against her, our bodies so close I could feel the warmth radiate from her. This time I blushed. This had been the closest we have been and I was surprised. I placed my hand on top of her shoulder, pushing her away. 

“If you push me away, you’d just end up on the floor.”

I glared at her. “I’d rather sleep on the floor.”

“Oh really?” She asks, moving closer so that her forehead was against mine. I stared at her, feeling weak because of the way she looked at me and looked down, my hair falling in front of my face. Amber pushed my hair again, and looked down at me. I looked up at her, feeling nervous. She just smiled. And I swear that my heart would burst at that moment. Was I too transparent? Did she know what effect she had on me?

Before I answered my own question, I buried my face against her chest, lowering my hand so that I gripped on my Snoopy shirt. I gave up all resistance when she wrapped her arms around my waist and held me.

“Good night, Soojung.”

“Good night,” I murmured, closing my eyes and hoping that I’d get some sleep with how my heart thundering against my chest.