A/N: Sorry to all my readers for this depressing nonsense…Even I don’t understand why I wrote this and posted…. maybe it’s cuz right now, I’m in a little sentimental mode due to the continuous rain in these days….Thz God that it's shorter than other oneshots....I think I am really good at writing gibberish and scattered thoughts…especially bad and sad ones…:P they are always popping up in my mind… Anyway, sorry again for destroying your mood and separating the couple….:’(

After all these years, I realized that why some choose death over living in some cases.

Because “Death” is easier than “Living without meaning”…

You chose the easier path and left me with the most difficult task in my life…

Living the rest of my life without you, the meaning of my life…

Living a life without you is far more pathetic than it looks. It is not like I lie on the bed and cry all my heart out all the time. It is not like I neither eat nor sleep but mourn for you day and night. It is not like I lock my door and try to kill myself every now and then.

But…

I go to work and come back home like a routine. I eat and sleep enough to keep my body working. I go shopping and meet with friends in my free time.

I am living like a normal person and some people may think finally I can be over you after these years.

To be over you?

It sounds funny because they do not know exactly what “to be over you” is. Maybe they have the experience of being over someone who breaks up with them or who leaves them for another person.

But for me, the problem is you never broke up with me or you never left me for another person…

You stayed with me till the end and loved only me till your last breath…

If I can say I am not longing for your welcome hug anymore whenever I come home….

If I can say I am not buying a bottle of sesame oil anymore whenever I go grocery shopping….

If I can say I am not missing your shampoo scent on the pillow anymore when I lie on the bed….

If I can say I am not picking unconsciously your favorite colors anymore whenever I go shopping….

If I can say I am not imagining your nagging anymore whenever I come home late in a drunken state….

Only then,…

It can be said I am completely over you…

You made me promise back then and under this promise, I have to live like this till I die…

Back then,….

I could do nothing but just watched you being thinner and paler day by day…

I cried in the bathroom while you were sleeping. I noticed your body getting smaller whenever I hugged you. I bought more and more bottles of painkillers to ease your pain.

You could do nothing but just hugged and let your shoulders wet with my tears…

You tried to eat what I cooked in spite of your lack of appetite. You sometimes cursed at me and called me names like always as you wanted to show me a strong image of you. You swallowed your tears in front of me.  

We could do nothing but just counted together your last days and cherished every moment….

We could do nothing but just loved…

We learnt knitting together because you wanted to make me a scarf. We listened to the old songs and recalled the memories. We cuddled the whole day with the rhythmic beats of raindrops.

Anyway,….  

Anyway, I had to let you go in the end and watch you falling asleep without waking up again…

I had to send you away knowing you would never come back…

Before you went away, I thought that I would go insane after losing you…

At least I wished I could…and I still wish…

But surprisingly, I did not go insane and absurdly, I am still surviving too well with healthy mind and body.

Only my heart vanished and everything remains.

Everything remains but you…