It will be hours later when night finally settles in and I lay awake quietly awaiting the pain that will attack my body. My mind went back to a couple of hours earlier.

Siwon managed to pull Kyuhyun upright and shove the container under him just as the first wave of retching started. At first it was wet retching as he threw out everything in his digestive system but after another minute or so of continuous heaving, I can hear that Kyuhyun is just dry heaving as the feeling of nausea refuse to subside.

I have plenty of experience in that department too, if I might add.

The door burst open and a troop of men rushed in, albeit as silently as they can manage. I was taken aback by the sudden intrusion and made an unconscious effort to squeeze further into my pillow.

A mixture of anxiety-laced “Kyu!”, “Kyuhyunnie!” and “BabyKyu!” rang out spontaneously.

The wave of nausea seems to have subsided as Siwon lower the trembling body gently back onto the bed.

“ Hyung….” Kyuhyun called out with a weak smile as his bright bloodshot eyes roved past the 8 standing figures before him.

“ How are you feeling, Kyuhunnie?” The slight man apparently named Ryeowook asked frowning with worry.

“ I’m as always after the chemo session.” Another wan smile.

I watched in fascination as all 8 faces fell simultaneously. Kyuhyun gave a bigger smile.

“ Makes me glad that today’s was the last one.” He seems to be joking but his eyes were clouded with sadness. His 8 visitors’ heads drooped even further and the extremely thin Hyukjae raises a hand to his eyes to wipe a tear away.

“ Hyung….don’t be….” Kyuhyun’s tired voice made them look up again but it had trailed off before he could finish what he wanted to say. His eyes are heavily closed as he slipped back into unconsciousness.

Siwon wiped the sweat off the chalky pale face and arranged the covers to tuck him in as the rest took a last look before filing out of the room again.

My little episode of memory recall ended as I became aware once again of the quiet room I am lying in.

I wonder who those 8 people are to him. He calls them “hyung”, are they all his lifeblood brothers? They all shared a common bond, I can tell as much. The level of their worry, anxiety and grief are comparative even though they showed it in their own ways.

Raising my head slightly, I looked at the sleeping figures on the couch in the room. It is not really a big one by any standards but on it slept two now. The skinny one named Hyukjae and the hyperactive one named Donghae(?), they are lying on their sides, Hyukjae spooning into Donghae’s back. Earlier when visiting hours was about to end, they have stayed back as the others left. From what little snippets of conversation I could overhear, the 8 of them are taking turns to spend the nights with Kyuhyun for quite a while now.

I fell back onto my pillow as I felt the phantom trails of ache begin to swirl in my chest. I know these are not the real pain that will come soon. This is more a psychological prelude to prepare my mind of the real thing yet to come. But it still bothers me enough to throw me into a panic. No matter how many times I have to go through this I am never mentally prepared. The feeling of panic strangles me, my mouth fell open in spurts of breathlessness as the first wave of pain hits me slowly.

“ Ahhhh…..” I moan softly. I did not want to wake my room-mates. How considerate can I be? I writhe agonizingly, legs kicking as beads of perspiration blossoms on the surface of my skin.

As pain washes over me like white heat, my throat constricted and I cough and splutter, unintelligently into my pillow.  Another series of pain hammered into me squeezing all the oxygen out of my lungs. My neck muscles cramped horribly as my spine struggles to keep up with the constant twisting and turning.

Just as I felt I could take no more, I know relief is near as the edges of my vision starts to darken considerably. I craved these moments of unconsciousness like a drug addict having a craving fit. I writhe more as if the action alone will spur me faster towards losing consciousness.<