Shanghai Pudong International Airport was a tremendous affair.

For one moment, Woohyun felt helplessly lost. He wasn’t sure if it was the huge airport sprawled out on all sides around him, the passengers, the luggage, the voices and noises, or if the feeling was born purely from the thought that Sunggyu was actually running away from him; he really didn’t want to take any chances of Woohyun finding him.

He really doesn’t want to see me, ever again.

As much as the cramping thought rattled against his brain, he pushed forward through the crowd. He remembered the telephone conversation he had had with Kibum shortly after he had left Myungsoo’s house.

“He’s in Shanghai, he caught a plane to Shanghai. Kim Sunggyu,” Key had said urgently. Woohyun had felt like an idiot back then – he had been so sure that he knew where Sunggyu was; it was almost as if his instinct was pointing at Tokyo.

Well, my instinct is stupid.

That wasn’t the usual case though; he prided himself on having a strong intuition. His sixth sense was, most of the times, uncanny. Even Sunggyu admitted it. But maybe that intuition was blinded by pain. Maybe now that the most important part of him was gone, he couldn’t focus on his inner strength.

After all, Sunggyu is all I have.

A car was waiting for him outside the airport from the hotel Kibum had booked for him. He ran a travel agency and he ran it well. He had a knack for business and even though it would seem he liked to fool around a lot, he was good at his work. So whenever Woohyun needed his services, he was on his feet to help. He had arranged for Woohyun’s trip, from air tickets to cars and hotels.

He thought of everything.

Slouched at the back of the car, Woohyun was only pretending to watch the streets rolling away through his window. His mind was focused on one thought only – Sunggyu.

This is such a huge city, where will I find you Sunggyu?

“Logic Wooohyun, not emotions. If you’re really determined to find him, you have to use your head okay? And you have to be safe too, you have to look after yourself,” Kibum had insisted over the phone.

In the beginning, he was reluctant about Woohyun embarking on this journey; he had called it utter madness and he had expected it to pass, like a phase. He had even offered a place at his house so that he could take his mind off the things that were bothering him, namely Sunggyu’s sudden leave. But when he had seen that Woohyun was completely set on this, on finding Sunggyu, on bringing him back he had given up and had offered to accompany him.

“Let me help,” he had said.

“You can help me from here. I need someone to arrange the travels and if God forbid I’m in trouble, you can help better from Seoul where you have contacts, you know people,” Woohyun had reasoned.

At last, Kibum had relented. He had given Woohyun one last exasperated look.

“Go then, I’ve lost you ages ago.”

Woohyun jerked back to the present. He wasn’t exactly sure why his best friend hated his boyfriend, but it had been like that from the very start. And then, a few months ago, the harsh feelings had escalated and more than once Woohyun had stopped talking to him for a few days for being mean towards Sunggyu.

When they first started dating, Kibum had tried to persuade him against it. But it hadn’t worked and Woohyun had hoped that in time, Sunggyu and Kibum would become friends.

Looks like that would never happen now.

Kibum had made very clear that the first telling-off Sunggyu would receive when he was back in Seoul was from him.

I just wish Sunggyu cared about me half of what Key does.

He did, Sunggyu had cared about him immensely – they were in love. There was nothing wrong about them; nothing Woohyun could point out, or anyone could. Only a week ago, he couldn’t have dreamed of sitting in a car, speeding through the roads of Shanghai while his world threatened to fall apart at the seams.

“We’re here Sir,” the chauffeur said in accented English.

He climbed out of the car as a bellhop came forward to extricate his luggage from the boot. He hadn’t brought much – a suitcase and an overnight bag. At first he had thought it would only be a matter of hours at Tokyo but now it was looking like it would be quite an adventure.

Somewhere in this gigantic city, there’s Sunggyu. And I will find him.

“Welcome to the Royal International Hotel,” a staff greeted him in English. He was wearing a crisp suit and a professional smile. Woohyun nodded at him. He had told Kibum to pick a hotel near to the airport – Sunggyu always insisted on staying close to the airport.

“You never know, you just never know,” Sunggyu had told him.

It seems like a lifetime ago.

“This is the best hotel in that area,” Kibum had informed him.

If there was one thing Sunggyu liked, it was luxurious hotels. He always insisted on booking the highest rated hotels closest to the airport. That had turned into a habit for the both of them.

Woohyun reckoned that the chance of Sunggyu being in this hotel was high, considering all its qualities.

Please be here Sunggyu, please.

As the smiling receptionist at the desk took care of the formalities, he glanced at the spacious lobby. It was lit with chandeliers and adorned with posh couches. He peeked at the smooth walls, the elegant hallways. This would definitely be Sunggyu’s choice resident. He turned back to the receptionist.

He wondered if she would run a search for Sunggyu in the hotel guest list if he asked her to. His knowledge in Mandarin and English was limited but he tried using a mixture of both the languages and an assortment of hand gestures. Finally, when he got his point across, he was disappointed to see her shaking her head.

“Sorry, guest privacy,” she said, handing him his passport and the keycard to his room.

“Thanks,” he said, smiling.

Well, I tried.

In the lift, he started pondering on his next course of action. The receptionist wasn’t helping, but that didn’t mean one of the others wouldn’t. He would just have to take his chance, take his chance when the shift changed. He thought he had a gift for charming the people he needed. In fact, Sunggyu had more than once pointed out that Woohyun always got his way. But he didn’t feel like doing anything, trying anything at the moment. He was exhausted, and he was in pain. But he knew it might be one of his only chances of ever finding Sunggyu.

He decided to try and convince the next concierge once the shift changed; someone else would definitely have to be more sympathetic.

I better brush up my Mandarin.

The first thing that crushed his heart after he entered the room was the single bed in the middle of the room. The room was posh, well-designed, but the single bed looked so sad that he turned his face away.

I  hadn’t been in a single room for so long.

Exhausted from the journey, he filled the bathtub and settled in, trying to release the stress from his body. It was well into the afternoon and he wanted to be down at the dining hall during dinner. He would then get a good look at most, if not all, the guests at the hotel. And he could only pray desperately that Sunggyu would be there.

He has to. He wouldn’t like walking to some other place for dinner.

He smiled, thinking about how lazy Sunggyu could get sometimes.

When he was done bathing, he dressed carefully. Even when Sunggyu wasn’t there, he was critical about himself. But maybe the feeling came from the fact that he expected to meet him today. Just the way he had met him for the first time many years ago in a hotel lobby miles away.

He made eye contact with himself in the mirror. Dark patches were showing under his eyes. In only a few days, he was unrecognizable in the mirror.

Why Sunggyu, why did you do this to me?

The dinner turned out to be a fruitless few hours. Woohyun had sat near the tables where the buffet was laid out. Everyone in the dining room had to pass by him and his eyes were always alert. He barely looked at the food he was eating.

He only left his table when the staffs came up to him and told him politely that the dinner hall was about to close. He apologized, and got up, his heart heavy.

Again, he had been sure about seeing Sunggyu, but his boyfriend, or ex-boyfriend, if he went by his letter, was doing pretty well till now eluding him.

At his room, he threw himself onto the bed, trying not to cry. But the desperation, the fear – they all choked him and forced the tears out of his eyes.

Sunggyu, did you ever doubt how much I love you? Because I never have.

The pain he was feeling was almost physical. He rubbed his eyes and tried to fall asleep but he couldn’t. So instead, he got up and fished a letter – the letter - out of his overnight bag.

His heart aching, he flipped it open, drinking in the familiar handwriting. Ever since Sunggyu was gone, this letter had been both his comfort and his thorn.

Sometimes, what now seemed a lifetime ago, he used to fear that his happiness wouldn’t last, that someday he would wake up and find Sunggyu had never existed. This situation was somewhat like that with the exception of the letter. At least now, even though he was not near him, he had the proof that he had never been only a dream.

He read the last line again; he had lost counts of how many times he had done it. But for some reason, that line deepened the scar in his heart, ripped his heartstrings apart, and yet, he was strangely drawn to it.

He could almost see that Sunggyu’s hand had wavered while writing that line. He wasn’t sure when he had written this letter, whether at home or at the office, whether he had planned this for a long time or wrote it on an impulse. All he knew was he shouldn’t have written it at all. He should have never even thought about writing this, because as far as he remembered, Woohyun had never given him the reason to think such thoughts.

Now as he trained his eyes on the last line, he found that his eyesight was blurry.

Woohyun, this is the way of the world, don’t fight it, let it be.

The sentence had such finality that nothing remained to be said after that. But unfortunately, Woohyun couldn’t let it be.