This is amazing…

Woohyun was now seated at the kitchen table again, with the laptop open in front of him and the picture in his hand. Ever since he had found it, he couldn’t let it down no matter how many times he examined it.

He still couldn’t wrap his head around the discovery.

One story spread across three countries, two continents…

Apart from the buzz of disbelief, he was feeling fine now. The headache had subsided on its own and his body felt much lighter. As he stared at the picture in his hand, he could focus on the laughing faces of the teenagers. Although he hadn’t actually seen the other two boys smile, there was no mistaking it.

Myungsoo…and Sungjong…they were a couple.

He now recollected seeing a similar picture on Myungsoo’s bedside. There he had been able to catch a glimpse of Myungsoo only, who was sitting on one end, with Sungjong sandwiched between him and Sungyeol. The smiles on their faces were genuine – maybe it was dated back to the time when Sungyeol hadn’t grown bitter about his best friend and his boyfriend.

To think that Myungsoo and Sungjong are now living like this…and Sungyeol…

He thought about what Sungyeol had said, that Myungsoo was happy.

But he’s the reason they broke up.

Myungsoo’s story speared through his mind. He remembered the drunken man, struggling with his words.

“He was my one and only love. And he betrayed me. He cheated on me…with my best friend.”

Finally letting the picture fall on the table, Woohyun got up and moved to the window for fresh air. A soft breeze was wafting up from River Seine and he breathed in deeply. He couldn’t believe that Sungyeol had lied to him about his past. He hadn’t told him what he had done, how he had cheated on his best friend. It also puzzled him to think someone as good-natured as Sungyeol would do something so low – sleep with Sungjong to make Myungsoo hate him.

What did he gain from this? Just the knowledge that Sungjong didn’t get Myungsoo either? But doesn’t he know they are hurting so much?

In a moment, Woohyun felt the ground crashing under his feet. His mind suddenly was screaming and he breathed in deeply, trying to get oxygen to his lungs.

So much betrayal…so much…

He recalled Sungyeol saying that love was a hopeless story – he had not lost faith in love, he had killed love with his own hands.

He felt betrayed by Sungyeol, how he had kept out the important details of his life.

But then again, who am I? Why would he tell me everything?

Feeling claustrophobic with Sungyeol’s belongings all around him, Woohyun dressed quickly and leaving everything as it was, he stormed out of the flat, thoughts of emailing Kibum forgotten. He had kept the picture on the table; Sungyeol should know that he had gone through his things, he didn’t want to lie. But he wasn’t sure he could face him again, knowing what he did now.

If I meet him, I’d want to confront him. But it’s none of my business.

As he walked along the bank of Seine, he tried to clear his mind. His thoughts were clogged up – all his thoughts and hopes were messed up. Even though Sungyeol’s story was not related to his and Sunggyu’s, he felt that somehow this changed things for him as well. He suddenly felt an emptiness, a desolate bareness he hadn’t felt even when Sunggyu had left.

I feel so hollow.

He realized that when he had first found out Sunggyu had left, he was still hopeful. He knew he’d be able to bring Sunggyu back, convince him out of this sudden madness. But now, when he had seen so much of the darker side of love, the hope that fueled him had left.

He lulled into a stop nearby a bridge. He looked at the boats lazily sailing across the waters of the Seine as he his hands into his pockets.

Sunggyu, I need you now.

He had been repeating the same thing over and over again in his head, hoping the sheer desperateness would be enough to bring him back.

“Hey!”

Woohyun jumped as he heard a voice close to his shoulder. His hand leaped to his heart.

“Hanbyul, you gave me a heart attack,” he chided, trying to slow down his racing heart. Hanbyul appeared beside him, smiling giddily. Woohyun tried to smile at him but his facial muscles didn’t seem to be working.

“Sorry, but what are you doing here alone? Did Sungyeol ditch you?”

Woohyun flinched at the mention of Sungyeol and tried to keep his voice steady as he spoke.

“No I just thought I’d walk around a bit. I always see the river here, but I’ve never been here.”

Hanbyul slapped his forehead. “That stupid Sungyeol, he didn’t take you boating on River Seine? What had that idiot been doing?”

“It’s okay, I’m not exactly touring the city. I’m here for…” Woohyun stopped. He wasn’t sure anymore what he was here for.

“Let me do the honors. I know people here. And you’ll love it!”

Hanbyul led him towards the banks. Turned out, it was worth exploring.

Woohyun tried to forget his sorrows as they wove in and out between floating discos, cafes and restaurants. Hanbyul then hired a boat to take them along the river – Woohyun enjoyed the trip so much that he almost forgot that he was in Paris for someone, he thought he was here just for enjoying the city. Paris fanned out in front of them on the two sides of the river. He tried to memorise the scenes as his hands tingled for a paintbrush.

It’s been only 10 days I didn’t touch my paintbrush and I already feel incomplete.

Hanbyul was in many ways a better companion than Sungyeol; he wasn’t irritating or imposing or whimsical. He treated Woohyun gently, as if he was something precious. Woohyun wasn’t really used to that sort of treatment but he liked it.

“I was thinking,” Hanbyul said, as Woohyun let the wind whip his face on the deck. “Maybe tomorrow we can go to a restaurant, you know there’s this special place…and it’s 22^nd, my birthday -”

Woohyun stiffened. Something had just occurred to him.

“Tomorrow’s the 22^nd?”

“Yes?”

Woohyun slapped the railing impatiently.

“I can’t believe I forgot. My flight’s tomorrow, I have to change it.”

At first, he hadn’t known how long it would take him in Paris so he had dated the return ticket for the 22^nd. Once it became clear that he wasn’t any close to finding Sunggyu, he had planned to go to the airlines office to change it but in all the travels, he had forgotten.

I have to stay…don’t I?

Sighing, he signaled to Hanbyul to leave him alone for some time. The younger had probably seen the shadow pass over his face, so he stepped aside. He couldn’t let him witness his current state of indecisiveness and as he returned to the other end of the boat, Woohyun tried to stop the doubts filling his mind. He reasoned that there was still hope to find Sunggyu and that even if he didn’t see any progress, he should keep on searching because that was what he had wanted to do all along.

I shouldn’t give up. But why does my heart feel so heavy?

He suspected that finding out about Sungyeol’s past had something to do it. This sudden urge to accept defeat was very unlike him.

I can’t let Sungyeol be right. I can’t let my hope be crushed.

As he walked some more, he felt his resolution strengthening. He couldn’t waste this opportunity and fall into a puddle of hopelessness again. He quickly went to find Hanbyul before he could change his mind and persuaded him to cut the trip short and give him a lift to his hotel.

Once there, he collected his passport and a few other things before he hailed a taxi to the airport. Hanbyul had offered to drive him there but he sent him away with thanks, saying that he could manage it. The journey was fraught with traffic jams and he was grateful for that. He used the delay to think the matter over again. At the moment, he didn’t want to consult Kibum because he wanted it to be his decision.

I want to know what I really desire.

His confusion curtained his real feelings. He was feeling so conflicted that he didn’t know if giving up was his own decision or was it the combined voices of Kibum and Sungyeol, and Myungsoo and Sungjong even. He hated feeling so lost – until now he had been at least set one goal, but now that the hopelessness grew within him, he felt weak.

How can I find someone who doesn’t want to be found?

Ironically, when he had started from Seoul, he had decided that finding Sunggyu was not an option – it was something he had to do.

Returning without him wasn’t a choice. But now…does he even love me?

Woohyun had been convinced from the very beginning that Sunggyu loved him. Even though he had decided to leave, he could read it off between the lines of his letter – he was in love with him. And Woohyun loved him more than anything else in the world. But now it started to occur to him that maybe he read too much, maybe he had read things that weren’t there.

He pulled the letter out of his pocket – he wanted to read it one last time with an unbiased mind that would help him decide his course of action.

Stay or leave. Try or give up.

As soon as the familiar handwriting greeted his eyes, he became overwhelmed. He took a moment to calm down his senses before trying to read it again. It was short but Woohyun took his time.

Dear Woohyun,

I’m leaving. I’m leaving for good. I’m leaving because you deserve this - I deserve this, I don’t deserve you. So this is better for the both of us.

I couldn’t face you, I couldn’t talk to you about this, so I’m writing a letter. Woohyun, I just have one last request – please don’t try to find me. Trust me, you will find someone better, someone way better than me. I know you will, you might not even have to look too far away.

Woohyun, this is the way of the world, don’t fight it, let it be.

Sunggyu

Every time he read the letter, he was filled with a pain churning in his stomach. The absence of the word love above Sunggyu’s signature was so disquieting that he couldn’t help but shed a few tears every time he saw it. Sunggyu had made it clear that he was never coming back, not willingly at least. But he hadn’t said either that he hated Woohyun, that they weren’t working out. All he had said was that he didn’t deserve him.

But you’re all I need.

The last few sentences always baffled Woohyun.

…you might not even have to look too far away.

Did that mean Sunggyu had suspected something about Woohyun? Did he doubt that Woohyun loved him, or did he believe that Woohyun was having an affair?

That made no sense because it hadn’t seemed like Sunggyu was upset about his behaviors. Only three days before he left, he had driven Woohyun to a village so that he could sketch the corn fields. In fact, Woohyun had no idea that there was something wrong until the day before, when Sunggyu had seemed very touchy, jumping at every touch and not talking. But Woohyun had shaken it off as work-related stress.

When in reality he was planning to run away.

Even today Woohyun vituperated himself for being so stupid. His boyfriend was planning such huge step and he had done nothing – he had known nothing, understood nothing. Woohyun had always prided himself on his perception but when it came to the person he knew the most, he couldn’t prevent something like this from happening.

At least, I think I know him the most.

When he reached the airport, his heart felt even heavier. As he trudged inside, his legs were as heavy as lead. He could barely walk and his mind was swimming in a whirlpool of thoughts. He almost collapsed in front of a small shop which sold electronics. As his eyes fell on the phone batteries lined along the shelf, he remembered that his phone wasn’t working.  To delay the inevitable, he walked up to the man behind the counter and asked for a new battery for his phone. He was distracted during the purchase and the man helped him to put the battery inside his phone the right way.

He pressed a button and the screen came alive.

Should I call Key?

He decided against it since he knew there would be a lot of explaining to do and he wasn’t feeling up for it right now. Instead, he looked through his contact for another number.

The only other person who knows me well.

He sat down on a plastic chair nearby as the phone rang. He was having second thoughts about the call, but he forced himself to do it – he had to talk with someone or else he might make a big mistake.

The phone rang. He knew he had made the right choice. If someone could help him now, it would be her.

Pick up, mom.