The pitter patter of the rain against the window was what woke him up. Sehun squinted his eyes unable to fully adjust to anything around him. He turned his head following the sound of something hitting the window and when he turned to it, a smile grazed his lips. He always loved the rain. He listened to it and closed his eyes to soak in the sound. It's like a very familiar tune. Although it had no melody or rhythm to it, it was just random patters against the glass, he still appreciated the familiar beats.

     He tried to sit up quick but his head still felt light with the blood rushing up too quickly. He squinted his eyes and shook his head to gather himself. And when he swallowed his throat was dry that the act itself felt like it was an aching, clawing of the walls against each other. He pressed his lips together maneuvering his tongue, creating some saliva and in an instant swallowing, gaping his mouth apart. The movement of his lips tore against the arid plump organ. It tore into annoying slits that let in the taste of metal as he swiped his tongue to relieve it.  He winced at the discomfort and ended up preesing his lips to stop the bleeding.

     His lips. It was enough to remind him of his last memory. He wished he would’ve just forgotten it all together. The touch of his lips, his fingers ghosted in memory of a kiss that he has been waiting for, the kiss that would’ve brought back everything to normal. But it was also the kiss that earned him a jab on the face. It is now the only thing he can think about. Sehun suddenly felt the marred feeling on his jaw as he wiggled it from side to side cupping his chin in the process.  Everything felt real and in that instant nothing mattered but the fact that he needed to see the boy once again. Lu Han is the only thing he wants and the only thing he’s been looking forward to, and everything that happened seemed to have dissipated in his memory as his new feat was only to look for the other and nothing else. He darted out of the room forgetting about how he looked, how parched and weak he felt and how desperate he may have seemed at that moment. He needed to see Lu Han and it didn’t matter what came after. 

“I propose we'd have to tell him as soon as he awakes.” Kris started.

     EXO were in the study discussing the current situation at hand. Kris and Suho stood by the window while the rest of the members were all sitting on the chairs laid out in the room. It was finally the next day and after a night’s sleep, everyone felt ready to tackle the problems at hand. The only one missing is Kai who didn’t want to leave Sehun’s side.

“I agree.” Suho replied earning himself agreeable audience from D.O., Tao, Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Xiumin. Chen was sitting in the big couch in the middle between Tao and Xiumin lost in a daydream. His body was there but his mind was still stuck in the laboratory. He spent all night examining and observing the compass. There was something odd about it and he couldn’t figure it out. He only thought of looking for Lu Han as soon as possible. Maybe the boy might know how to work it at least he hoped. He’s been up all night until now trying to open the compass to finally take the bomb out but he has no clue as to how. The fragility of the object was what bothered him. He couldn’t just smash it open or start turning dials in fear that it might affect the bomb.

“And what about Lu Han?” Lay  turned to the two leaders. He was concerned for the younger boy since he had grown to accept and even like the other. He admired how diligent and smart the boy was at bringing back their comrade. He was also pleased that in doing so, his powers have been in its optimal level since the man came back. Lay only had Lu Han to thank for that.

“What about him? There’s nothing more to worry about. He came by earlier telling me he would be moving out of the manor.” Suho replied.

“What?!” Chen finally woke up from the words the leader have said. 

“Relax Chen, for the mean time he would be staying at the school dorm. It saves us the trouble of hiding him from Sehun until we actually figure out a way to tell him.  He’s a smart kid, always a step ahead.” Suho concluded.

“By the way, what do you make out of the compass?” Kris turned to him now.

“Actually, that is why I got worried when Suho said he had left. I need his help to figure out how to open the goddamn thing.” Chen finally spoke out. He was a bit embarrassed to say that he needed help but it was true. As much as he was an assistant to the creators of the portals, there were just some things he was allowed to know and there were details that were kept between only the two to protect the plan and the Black Pearl.

“He said he’ll pass by from time to time but if we needed him,  Kai would know where to find him.

“Kai?” Chanyeol questioned. A chuckle slipped his lips and he turned to Baekhyun who obviously felt the same, displaying the same reaction.

 “Doesn’t he... hate Lu Han?” Chanyeol added.

“That’s what I thought to. But yesterday, he even checked on on how the boy was doing soon after he woke up. He was almost worried. He said he was just thankful to the kid. But either way, I don't buy it.” Tao answered.

“I know I was shocked too.” Suho added. “Most likely, however, he was just really grateful to the kid and recognizes the boy’s hard work and success at bringing Sehun back.

     The meeting was about to adjourn when out of nowhere Kai materializes in front of Suho screaming, panting through his sentences.

“Se-hun" He pants heavily to himself. "He’s gone!" I just went to the bathroom and when I came back he wasn’t there!”

     Kris left the study right away and darted to Sehun’s room. When he opened the door, he found the room empty just as Kai had said. It's overreaction but he is somehow scared of Sehun's reaction when he finally learns of Lu Han's death and right now he is beyond anxious that the other might have learned of it already. Kris had a bad feeling and he couldn't shake it off. The response would be grave once he hears it. He just knows that Sehun might not be able to take it. He knew he would've gone crazy if it was to happen to him and Tao and he believes that Sehun might just succumb to the same despair.

“Where would he go?” Kris said to himself worried of what could've happened.

When everyone finally arrived and saw the room empty, they looked at each other in panic. Kris looked at them and he was surprised to see the same expression everyone bore. It seemed to him that they all figured the same thing and are now all scared that Sehun might just threaten his life because of the news.

“Wait! Lu Han’s room!” Tao blurted out and next thing you know Kai snapped his fingers and teleported straight to Lu Han’s room. He found Sehun standing in front of a desk with a picture frame in hand. It was a bit of an over exaggerated reaction but losing Sehun is something Kai can’t do again. So he literally panicked in an instant while his mind went completely blank.

“Sehunnie!” Kai called out to him with voice harsh and tired from the running around he did looking for the other.  

“Lu--Han. Where is he?” Sehun didn't turn to Kai. He ran his fingers on the picture with his face expressionless. Something about the way he gripped tight on the frame that made Kai feel a little cautious. The man was about to blow off steam and Kai just knew it.

“He-” Kai tried to say a bit hesitant but he was startled when Sehun slammed the picture on the desk and then rashly turned to him. He started raising his voice, glaring harshly at Kai. Taking one step after another, he moved closer to Kai trudging as if he was about to attack the other. Kai could only cower and back down from Sehun. He refused to fight his beloved. He would only have to back down, he figured.

“There’s no clothes in the closet! This whole room is empty and it looked like it hadn’t been lived in! WHERE IS LU HAN, KAI?” Sehun was now inches away from the boy gritting his teeth in frustration. He had his hands fisted in Kai’s collar and Kai could only feel pity for the other. 

     As the members started to pile inside the room one by one, they all were shocked to see Sehun grabbing Kai by the neck threatening the other on the spot.

"Sehun-ah!" Baekhyun yelled for the other.

     Sehun averted his eyes to the group startling everyone as he started yelling one more time without letting go of Kai. 

“Somebody tell me, damn it! Where is Lu Han?!” It was starting to feel like it was more out of frustration than anything. 

     Kai finally grabbed his wrist gently and squeezed it to let his presence known. It made Sehun look at him and it pained him more to see the hurt in the boy’s eyes. It wasn’t that Sehun really didn’t know. He didn’t know everything but somehow he already had a bad feeling. There was something about the kiss and the way the human reacted the day before, he felt as though something was totally off.

“Lu Han-” Kai started. Sehun finally snapped his attention back at the boy in his grasp. He can feel Kai shaking now but he didn't care. Kai tried his hardest to stand his ground keeping eye contact with the other. He wanted Sehun to look at him intently because this was the hardest thing he had to do and he didn't want to falter and even stutter a bit or prolong it anymore. He just wanted Sehun to hear it and get it over with already because he couldn't take seeing him broken like this anymore. 

“He’s dead.” Kai finally uttered with his last full breath with finality in his voice. The boy’s eyes widened in shock or may be denial, but either way he almost already knew it. Numbness overcame him and he finally loosened his grasp on Kai’s shirt. He tried to put things together. The kiss, the look in the boy's eyes and especially the punch in the face. Something was definitely off yesterday. 

     He heard Kai’s voice again and his eyes darted at him right away.

“He’s been dead for a hundred years now.” He tried to explain but the boy’s face just grew more contorted in confusion.  He turned to the group standing by the door for confirmation and mostly all of them lowered their heads avoiding his gaze. Only Suho could stay looking at him and he nodded for validation.

“No! How?” Sehun questioned as he held clutching his chest, his heart's breaking little by little and his inside's turned in whirlwinds of pain, nausea and emptiness. The grief started to hit him and he sobbed not even waiting for the answers anymore but it came.

“He died in battle.” Kris finally added. He wanted to end the moment already. He couldn't bare watching Sehun break anymore than this. He had never seen Sehun this way before. The once very disciplined and stern soldier is now lost and heart broken and Kris couldn’t do anything but just answer his questions. He anticipated this. Matter of fact the moment Sehun  fainted, Kris could only imagine this happening. 

“NO!” Sehun fell on his knees and sobbed to himself. Kai rushed to his side and he was instantly pushed away but Kai continued to wrap his arms around the other. Sehun fought to push the other way. He was mad, angry at himself for leaving Lu Han, for not being there when he needed him the most.  He was mad that with all that his power can do, he wasn't able to protect the other. He imagined how painful it was to be alone and angry at their situation, jealous and lost in the thoughts of what could've been, what might've been if only he had stayed. Sehun knew too well of the love that Lu Han spoke of because he felt it all and he reciprocated with the same amount or even more. Lu Han was all he had and now he's gone. He started spitting curses in anger not directly towards any one person in the room but just fate. He cursed the fate that still kept him alive.  He cursed fate for taking away his everything and only thing that he considered worth living for. And in that moment he yelled, screamed and sobbed in Kai's arms in a pitiful mess. 

"Why? Why am I still alive? Why am I still here? Why did you have to bring me back if Lu Han wasn't even alive anymore to come back to? Why?" He banged on Kai's chest without any force. With no energy, he just tried letting out the mere frustration and regret he had built up in his chest.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know it was my job to protect him but I couldn’t. I’m sorry” Kai was drowning in regret and guilt as he didn't really want to admit it to himself then but he really never took it to heart, the promise to take care of the human. He brushed it aside because god knows he lost his beloved because of Lu Han. So why should he care about the latter.

He's a grown man himself. Kai always thought. But now he regrets it. He regrets not being able to even share one bit of kindness to the other. The anger towards Lu Han, the fear and even jealousy when Lu Han was still alive. He actually felt sick to his stomach now for even thanking god for taking the man's life back then.

     Kai continued to cradle Sehun in his arms rocking him back and forth until fatigue hit him and his spirit left him. The once flailing arms finally fell limped and Sehun just submitted and gave up. He found himself nestling even closer to Kai for comfort as he cried even louder from the news he had just heard. 

“Lu Han! Lu Haaaan!!!!” He finally belted from the top of his lungs. This was more painful than leaving him back in the portal. At least then he had some kind of hope that there will come a day that he’ll see the other once again. But this, this killed every slight glint of anything that connected Lu Han and him. There is no more Lu Han and there’s no chance he’ll ever see him again. 

      He wanted to give up right then and there. Flight of ideas flooded his head of killing himself, ending his life. He thought of useless plots, the quickest way or maybe he wanted something gruesome and painful, maybe something that will just eat away into his bones so he can repent for the regret and pain he subjected Lu Han to by leaving. He wanted to poison himself, slit his wrist and even jump off the top of the roof, anything because god know, life is not worth living anymore without his beloved. Everyone watched him and could only imagine what he was going through. Tao cowered to Kris's chest and couldn't help but sob himself. Chanyeol pulled Baekhyun closer because this was something they hope will never happen ever to them. It's painful for Sehun but it was also painful to watch. The group looked at Kai and they can only imagine how much harder it was for him.

     A gush of wind almost knocked Lu Han off his feet. It was a perfect day earlier and the wind is simply brushing his skin lightly. But the sudden knock of air now on his body almost made him fall if not for his balance and reflex.  He suddenly stopped in his tracks and an eerie feeling crawled under his skin making him more alert. It made him look to the horizon and stare at the bare lake beside him. The wind continued to blow against his face but this time, he took it all in. It was like a cool touch caressing his face and he could only close his eyes and soak in every bit of it. He held out his hand to his cheek and he felt rather affected by it. It was as if a hand had touched his face and poured their soul through its mere touch. A tiny howl came along with the wind and it sounded like a deafening cry of pain and sorrow hushed in the mere echoes in between. A sudden pang on his chest moved him and he was suddenly saddened and he doesn't know why. His eyes teared, welled with so much despair. Nothing made sense at that moment. He thought how familiar this pain was although he doesn't remember ever having gone through anything that made him feel this way. But his heart felt it and somehow his heart familiar with it.

     Another gush of wind passed him and he had to look down and away. But this time it halted taking with it the familiar feeling he never knew existed. And when the howling wind stopped, he had to continue walking again carrying the heavy burden of his endless thoughts and anxiety. His head was filled with so many things that he couldn't put together, things about his future that he couldn't just piece together. The desperate and painful feeling he just felt earlier although it had left him, reminded him of the face of the boy who took his first kiss, Sehun. The shock-stricken face of the other that he could’ve sworn lost his soul after being punched by what he thought was his beloved, replayed in his mind. He could only imagine the hurt that boy must be feeling now. He suddenly realized that every anxiety now rooted solely from it and he basically couldn’t form any thought, idea or plan all because he was dwelling too much about it.

     For the most part, Lu Han couldn’t erase the memory of yesterday’s events. He ghosted his fingers on his lips as he remembered the kiss, his first kiss being stolen by a mere stranger. He would be lying if he said that he wasn’t moved by it but he takes it that it was because it was his first and nothing more. He remembered his heart racing threatening to jump out of its cage even after their lips parted. He couldn’t even sleep last night with the memory of Sehun’s face, the passion he poured out in kissing Lu Han even in mere seconds.

It must be nice to be loved like that. He thought to himself but was quickly woken from the harsh reality that the kiss was never meant for him in the first place. It was for his great-great-grandfather and so he was back to wondering about it once again.

     It took hours to calm the broken man who is still cradled in the arms of Kai. Kai sat there offering his comfort and friendship and love for the other yet Sehun had no clue what so ever. Kai sat there glad that he was the one to catch and comfort this broken Sehun because it was just like how it used to be back in the day when it was just the two of them, before Lu Han came in the picture.

     Sehun sat up and searched for Kai’s face right away. He cupped the face of his dear friend and forced a smile just for the other. 

“You always seem to catch me when I fall. What would I do without you?  Thank you, Kai.”

     He wanted to giggle but figured he’d just smile to keep it simple and not scare the other.

“Where is he? I mean..” Sehun started but Kai knew exactly what he was trying to ask. 

     Kai paused for a moment searching for something in the eyes of the other, maybe something he hope only called out to him but he could only see the desperation and yearning of the other for Lu Han. So he succumbed to the request and he finally spoke. 

“C’mon clean up and have dinner with me. Then, I promise to bring you to him. He’s been waiting a long time for you.” Kai offered his hands and Sehun grabbed it with slight hesitation. Sehun needed to see it for himself. Although there is no more hope and Sehun really didn’t want to dwell on the grief anymore, he still yearned to be closer to his beloved. Even for just a bit, he thought he had to at least say goodbye.

     It wasn’t something to be excited about but Sehun could only be just that even in this situation. Something he learned from Lu Han, to find the good within a rut. He was indeed about to see his beloved and although it wasn’t the ideal time, place and situation,  he was very glad that his beloved had finally found peace. He can only imagine the other finally gracing heaven with his joyful and lively presence. It was hard to accept that time had stood still for him while time almost slipped too quickly back on earth like sand in a child’s palm. A hundred years have passed already, but it only felt like minutes since he left.

     Seeing Lu Han's name engraved on the tombstone, that might’ve been the only proof he needed, yet as he grazed his fingers on the very edge of it, he still couldn’t believe it. He laid flowers on the side for the other, Calla Lilies, Lu Han’s favorite flower. He seems to always catch Lu Han drawing it in his notes on the side lost in between formulas and equations in the manuals. When Sehun asked him about it, Sehun could only remember brushing it off and not paying any mind to the sparkle in the boy's eyes as he talked about the flower and the meaning of it and all. 

FLASHBACK

“The name ‘Calla’ means beautiful in one of the human language. I forget which one. Therefore it's been connected to having ‘magnificent beauty’ as one of its meanings.  Do you know that the flower is not even a lily, yet it bares its name?”

     Sehun could only roll his eyes again. Lu Han is big in observing and researching many things but when it comes to flowers, he was very enthralled by it. He couldn’t be called a botanist because he knew only the meaning behind the flowers he liked so much, that he appreciated it more than how it grows and what it’s called.

“It looks like a uhm... Oh nevermind.” Sehun shook his head embarrassed that he even thought about it..

“Like a female’s ia?” Lu Han snorted as he eyed the other’s sudden pinking of the cheeks.

“Well you’re not the only one. Freud and even Georgia O’Keefe thought of it that way too. Hence, it kinda’ bore that ual meaning of the flower. But the meaning came from a myth that says the lily originated from the milk of the Greek Goddess, Hera. I guess the word may have come from that too, huh. Anyways, it was said that Zeus fathered a boy named Hercules by sleeping with a human. He wanted the boy to be immortal and bare divinity so he drugged his wife Hera so she can nurse him. But as the drug wore off, she finally came to her senses and threw the boy away and by doing so her milk gushed across the heavens and to earth making Lilies sprout all over the ground on earth.”

“ milk? Really Lu Han that’s why you like it?” Sehun started laughing shooting judging stares at the other. He couldn’t believe what he just heard.

“No stupid!” Lu Han retorted. “That’s the legend behind it. But it actually symbolizes faith, resurrection, rebirth, those kind of stuff.” It stopped Sehun in the spot when he saw the other boy’s smiling face turned sullen. Lu Han looked away and stared to speak, lowering his voice trying to calm the choke that he feels in his throat. He remembers that in a couple of days, they would have to part. It’s been set, the plan. Sehun stays and fights along with EXO, while Lu Han leaves for the vortex to save them all. It’s the saddest thing he can think of in that moment but he couldn’t bare  give the responsibility to any one of his friends, especially to his beloved, Sehun.

“I like to think that one day, we’ll be reborn again and find each other once more.”

     Lu Han finally looked back at the boy but this time searched and looked deep and intently on the other’s eyes. Sehun finally realized the meaning behind the words, and his voice cracks but he steadied himself because comforting the other was more important at this time. 

“Maybe in our next life, I’ll sure to find you and will be together then, ok?” Sehun took Lu Han’s hands and slipped his fingers in between. He forced a smile that both knew was just all for the sake of  courtesy. And Lu Han can only nod in response, because saying more would just hurt and dwelling on the unchangeable is just a waste of time. He’d rather live for the now and just pretend.

END OF FLASHBACK

“Han, I’m finally back. I’m not even going to drown you with shoulda’-woulda’-couldas’ but all I can say is, I’m sorry I’ve taken so long. You..You..” Sehun tried to fight back the choke that was fighting to come out. 

     Kai laid a hand on his shoulder and he could only sigh. Tears started to run down his cheeks and he had to toughen up and hope that this time no embarrassing sobs and whimpers would come out. Because this would in fact be the first time his Lu Han would see him again after a hundred years as it seems. And he would really hate to ruin a bad impression.

“I miss you...I--” He closed his eyes and furrowed his brow. There was much he wanted to say but the pain in his chest is pulling him back to a desperate mode once again. So he began with “I love you. I love you, Lu Han. More than you’ll ever know."

     He shifted in his spot thinking of other things to say to the other yet nothing appropriate came to mind so he settled with the painful truth.

"Many things have changed here on earth. But I guess I am still stuck in the vortex because god damn it, my feelings haven’t changed.”

     He looked down and pressed his fist against his chest. A whimper slipped between his lips. He couldn’t bare to look up anymore. It was as if the boy had been standing in front of him the whole time, now he couldn't bare to show his face.  The pain is slowly seeping in and he was starting to lose ground again. But a touch from the boy behind him proved to be of help and he was able to carry on because of it all. Kai squeezed his shoulder reminding him that he is not alone, he need not be.

“I’m sorry for leaving." It finally turned into desperate sobs. He knew enough that this apology is all too late but he needed it to be out in the open even if it's half meant and it's filled with resentment.

"It must’ve been hard for you. Know that it’s been hard on me too.  And like you always used to say ‘people come in and out of your life for a reason. Things happens for a reason’. Some heck of a reason this is huh? Maybe it just wasn’t our time yet."

     The pause almost made his stomach lurch in discomfort. It's too late for the usual visitation hours. It only made the whole place excruciatingly silent. So the sobs echoed, bouncing off the tiled walls and floor clearly resonating the pain he was feeling at that moment.

"Maybe in our next lifetime. Maybe then....” 

     Knowing that there weren't much else he could say, and taking notice of the engraved name on the stone slab once again, Sehun finally had to accept the fact. He ran his fingers at the name then turned to hide his face on Kai's chest. The all too familiar scent of the other that had been a calming drug for him now, he resorted to settling for it, even if its just for comfort. He closed his eyes and moved to nestle himself, begging for Kai to comfort him. The other man could only wrap his arms around the other in response before hushing the boy in his arms to stop crying.

     As Kai ran his hands up and down the other's back, he was suddenly reminded of the younger Lu Han's calming way of comforting him, running his hands the same way, using kind and gentle words to heal him. He smiled to himself in remembrance of how much lighter he have felt after telling Lu Han about his unrequited love.  It had been too heavy to carry, the secret for that long and he was glad that Lu Han was able to pry it out of him and some what free him of its hold.

“But you never had a chance to tell him, did you?” Lu Han interrupted and finally Kai looks up at him with eyes yearning for some comfort and for someone to understand.

"Then tell him instead."

“It’s time you tell him how you feel. It’s your time now Kai. It’s only you and Sehun now and it’s time he found out about your feelings. Before.... before it’s too late again.”

He needs to know. Kai chanted to himself. He caressed the man's head on his arms and leaned his cheek to the other's temple. The sobs have died down but the embrace have gotten tighter. Sehun was now leaning only to him and holding tight as if his life depended on it. Kai smiled to himself because this is what he had been looking forward to, for Sehun to just depend on him, for Sehun to need him. He knew it was the worst time to say anything about it so he opted to wait for the perfect time and place. He knew that soon enough, he would have to say something to Sehun. Kai could only hope that the boy would finally see through his feeling when the time comes. 

     He remembers the younger Lu Han smiling at him and he couldn't help but smile to himself at how caring the boy had been. All this time the boy could only think of Kai's welfare other than his. He always saw the lost and lonely look in the boy's eyes but the few times the boy had cracked a smile for him, Kai can only marvel at the innocence and youth within him. He looked more beautiful inside and out than he probably thought of himself to be. Kai could only hope that he'd find his love as well and he'll someday feel what he is feeling at that very moment for Sehun as the other clung tight to his body.

I will tell him Lu Han. Thank you for bringing my beloved back. I promise I'll help you find yours as well. Kai thought to himself.

a/n: This was the hardest thing I had to write. I wanted to write the pain he felt but as I lack the words and aesthetics, I failed yet again to clearly paint you a picture. I hope you guys can feel a little bit of what I was trying to convey though. The last part was Sehun trying to let go. It's hard but this was his first step to closure. The fact that he finally leans onto Kai shows that's he's broken but he's willing to lean on someone. "the mere fact that everyone needs someone' is just playing here at this scene.

 There's a Lukai friendship that is brooding and its very important to Kai as you can see. He talks about it alot. However, it can only complicate things later on :)

Anyways, I hope you guys are enjoying it. Again thank you for reading and commenting.  Like I always say its just me expressing my feelings and for you guys to read this, i'm overwhelmed with appreciation. Thank you. Thank you. See you in the next chapter.

just some hunhan lol

HUNHAN MOMENTS (MAMA ERA) 
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/394216/hunhan-moments-mama-era-luhan-sehun-hunhan

HUNHAN MOMENTS (XOXO ERA)
http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/449078/hunhan-moments-xoxo-era-hunhan