18 days Before He Disappeared

Joon zipped his pants, put his clothes on and grabbed the coat on the floor. It was still early in the morning when he decided to leave Jun Hyung’s room. The owner was still sleeping on the bed, with his messy hair, body inside the blanket. He breathed slowly, didn’t notice Joon was his jawline gently. Joon landed a light kiss on Jun Hyung’s temple and left his room.

The living room was still dark, the cold morning weather addressed him first. He tip toed to the front door but stopped when someone called his name.

“Going home, hyung ?” DooJoon’s voice broke the silence.

Joon startled and jumped backward. He tried to calm down, “DooJoon-ah, you scared me.”

“Had a sleep over ?” DooJoon coldly asked.

Joon couldn’t answer that question. From DooJoon’s expression, Joon realized he actually already knew the answer. It’s more than just a sleep over.

“Well,” Joon ended the awkward atmosphere. “I gotta go now. I have an early schedule. Bye !”

“He’s dying, hyung,” DooJoon’s words stopped from leaving the dorm.

Joon turned around, staring at DooJoon who walked closer to him. “What ?”

“Jun Hyung...he’s dying.”

“What do you mean he’s dying ? He seems fine. Yes he’s a bit thinner than before but I guess he’s too tired because of the schedules—”

“He’s having heart disease. His body is getting weak...Even our boss said he’d better resign soon so he can take care of his health. You know nothing about this ?”

Joon didn’t know how to react at the sudden statement. Half of his mind wanted to believe it, but the other side told him to burn DooJoon’s words away. “I...,” Joon said, “I really have to go.”

“Hyung !” DooJoon shoutted. “Don’t be such an ignorant ! I know you care so much about him, you’ve done everything to make him happy. You...you...you love him, don’t you ?”

Joon answered, facing his back to DooJoon, “I do...I do care about him a lot. But it seems all of the things I’ve done for him would be worthed if he said everything on the first place. DooJoon-ah, I want to trust what you said, but I can’t. I’m always the one who’s waiting for him to trust me. Sooner or later, I have to hear it from Jun Hyung himself.”

“What if there’s no time left ?” DooJoon insisted.

Joon opened the door. And for the last time, Joon replied to end the conversation, “He’d better hurry, then.”

DooJoon faced the closing door. He sighed inside the room which became quiet again. He meant to help his friends but it ended up as zero. Maybe he shouldn’t care much. Maybe he should grab Jun Hyung and drag him in front of Joon to tell him everything, although he had to make Jun Hyung getting down on his knees.

Meanwhile, inside his bedroom, Jun Hyung had heard the conversation from the very beginning till the end. He wrapped the blanket around his body tighter, covering the cold weather for touching his bare skin. As the sunlight started greeting him, Jun Hyung should decide which one is better : runaway or tell Joon the truth. Both decisions would have its own consequences, both decisions would hurt anyone. Jun Hyung decided to lay himself back on the bed. It’s better to not think about anything that time.

*

12 days Before He Disappeared

He’s suffocated, metaphorically. Few days after they spent the night together, suddenly their relationship became awkward.

Jun Hyung was observing Joon from afar at the radio show’s lobby they attended together. Joon was gathering around his MBLAQ members, somehow it feels like he’s ignoring JunHyung. He freely laughed together with them, facing his back at JunHyung. It felt like he’s daring him to tell everything infront of everyone. Jun Hyung squeezed the paper cup he’s holding, forgot that it’s half empty. The soda spilled into his t-shirt and arms, leaving stains and stickiness on his body. He wiped himself in embarrassment, hoping that Joon didn’t notice his foolishness.

“Come on guys, it’s almost the time !” The radio producer called them one by one, asking them to enter the studio earlier. She pushed them motherly to the cold studio then prepared the equipments for the live radio show. Their senior who was becoming the radio DJ that night greeted them when she came, she nicely talked with each one of them like they’re family.

Both groups was sitting face to face, nicely talking in friendly atmosphere. Only Jun Hyung and Joon who took the farthest seats from each other. They didn’t even making eye contacts toward each other. If they’re about meeting each others’ eyes, they pretended not seeing the opponent. So childish, yet painful to see.

The host opened the radio show with her warm greeting. She addressed each members to brighten up the air.

“So, your friends knew that both groups debuted one day away from each other. Did it affect your relationship ? Are you guys close friends ?”

All the members agreed. They didn’t deny it since it’s true.

“Is there any members who still feels awkwards to each other ?” the host asked once again.

“JunHyung and Joon look awkward to each other today,” Yoseob suddenly replied. He’s actually watching them secretly, but hid it until the time was right to say it. he just wanted to excite the conversation between them.

“Why, are you guys not close to each other ?”

“They are,” DooJoon replied in cold tone. “I don’t know why they’re acting like this today.”

“Are you guys fighting ?” the host asked in curiosity.

“No, we’re not,” Jun Hyung threw a fake smile, avoiding Joon’s eyes who’s finally staring at him for the first time that night. “It’s been days since we’re talking to each other ,that’s all.”

“Oh really ? How come you guys turn into cold friends ? Then, say something to make the atmosphere more friendly !” the host suggested.

“It’s not like we’re fighting,” Joon started. “We’re actually close, but sometimes Jun Hyung acts like he’s hiding something from me... I wish he could tell me everything.”

“Ay...it’s okay for someone to have secrets...,” Seung Ho shared his different thought. Somehow his sense told him they might end up fighting in the radio show.

“But if you want to be comfortable toward each other, don’t you think honesty is the best for everyone ? I Just want him to trust me,” Joon defended himself.

His words made JunHyung lifting his head. He knew Joon was waiting for him to tell his physical pain, he knew there’s no reason for him to be hesitant. He didn’t know when the next attack would come, his soul could be taken anytime, even that night could be the last time for him to breathe. Jun Hyung could call his name from his seat and reveal everything right away, but he didn’t have courage to do it.

So he stopped pushing himself to be brave. He felt so weak.

The radio show finally ended when the time already passed the midnight. They bowed to the radio host as she left the studio. Jun Hyung saw MBLAQ members had packed their stuffs. They said earlier they had to go home soon because they had a schedule in the morning.

Jun Hyung, ignoring his friends who were busy taking pictures with the crew, ran to the basement. He chased MBLAQ and saw them walking to their car.

“Hyung !” JH shoutted, but Joon didn’t hear him. His ears were covered with his headphone.

JunHyung ran as fast as he could. He reached out when their distance was getting nearer. Jun Hyung grabbed Joon’s arm and made him turned arund, avoiding Joon from entering the car.

Joon finally faced the person he had been avoiding for few days. He did it on purpose, Joon almost lost his patient that day. He almost decided to forget everyting, if Jun Hyung kept playing the game. He’s tired of being pushed and pulled by his needs of care. Joon was not a stranger, he already gave himself physically and mentally to take care of him.

It’s the last chance, Joon said inside his head. He’d better be wise now or I’ll leave.

Joon stared at JH with empty face. “Say it.”

“What ?” Jun Hyung asked.

“You still can’t say anything ? Tell me now...”

“I...” JH felt threatened.

Joon sighed. “It’s almost a week, but you still have doubt in you for telling me everything. What is this ?! Stop playing this game !”

“What game are you talking about ? You’re not a game ! I’ve never had somebody to trust for my entire life ! I’m afraid if I open myself to you, you’ll leave.”

“Yong Jun Hyung, people may say that my image is a babo in television. Do you think i’m an idiot for real ? The only thing you have to do is tell me the truth !”

Jun Hyung was scared. He shutted down. His childhood memory suddenly flashing inside his head.

Joon couldn’t believe Jun Hyung was still stubborn. He slaped Jun Hyung’s arm from his, entering the car without saying more words. He might regret what he did, but waiting for something that might never come true was wasting time.

That moment thirty minutes ago, at the parking basement, was like a nightmare. Joon’s body language said everything. He gave up on Jun Hyung. It’s because all of the stupid unreasonable fear Jun Hyung held inside. Inside the car, along the way back to BEAST’s dorm, Jun Hyung was laying his head against the window on the back seat, staring at the empty street, the flashing light from the car which passed over them. His friends were busy joking around, it was too noisy, but his head felt empty.

Suddenly, he teared up.