stσrч títlє: Survivor's Heart

rєvíєwєr: threecheers

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Warning: Word vomit ahead. Please don’t be turned off, I’ve tried to cover everything (err almost) up so you know, you can get thoughts about stuff on your story. Sorry if this is long (and detailed, I know that’s not a good thing), please bear with me. Thank you!

 

ღ Title (4.5/5)
Simple but great. I feel different thoughts trolling my brain and they “entice” me to think of how the story will progress to develop and deliver the title. It is spot-on and yes, very appropriate to the whole romance-in-the-middle-of-zombie-apocalypse thing.

 

ღ Poster & Background (3/5)
I suppose the poster does suit your genre, but I find it too straining for the eyes. I think it’s mainly because of how vivid the shade of red is. Same thing goes with the background. I get the whole “bloody” feel you want to float and using an abstract image is really a smart thing but it’s not really working well because it looks too detailed (not in a good sense) and sometimes distracting.

As for the appearance of the actual thing, well I can’t say much about it. It’s clean; it’s neat. I like how consistent you are on your presentation. Keep it up. :)

 

ღ Foreword & Description (7/10)

Description (3/5): The “real” description is a good summary of the fic. On the first read I’ve already gotten a hold of the over-all setting and the conflict of the story. I don’t see that as a bad thing actually, it’s something very effective because in such a matter of few words you have successfully summed up the essentials without giving much. Personally I’ve become curious as to how Taemin and Minho will battle against the odds (or the zombies LOL) to be together.

As for the other stuff, I don’t like them. I get it that you want to have your author’s notes around and all that jazz of thanking people but I find their insertion in the middle of your introduction (of the story) so very improper. I’m not saying you remove them, God no. What I’m saying is, maybe you can move and place them at the end of everything. Because let’s admit it, when new readers click the story, they are most certainly not after your dedications and thank you’s. It will get annoying to read a lot of those even before they reach the Foreword part and the effect as you may have guessed is: major turn off.

Foreword (4/5): The scene you chose for your foreword is, again, spot-on. I like how it not only introduced Minho’s past life but also the thing about the infestation of zombies and ultimately about Taemin. The thoughts are there, I grasp them alright; but I still think you can make improvements by the way it’s written. There are sentences that seem awkward; maybe you can work on them? :)

Oh and by the way, the divider (or whatever you call it) you picked appears weird on the look of the page. I think it’s meant to be red but it looks more of a tinge of pink for me. It is formal too and… you get it? Zombies and destruction and then pink divider, err weird combination.

 

ღ Plot’s Uniqueness (15/20)
So I will be consistent and dissect this criterion (too) into two sections; therefore, I had some notes raised about the plot AND the uniqueness of the story in general. The division of the points was not done equally though, as I reckoned the plot should weigh heavier than any issues of originality.

Uniqueness/Originality (5/5): Good job on coming up with this! I like the idea of romance amidst all the sheez about the monster (I will refrain from calling them zombies because they are “living” creatures in this story as opposed to the notion of a zombie being a walking “dead” and yeah, you get me) apocalypse. Put in amnesia and a love triangle and what do you get? A lot of plot twists! Yay!

Plot (10/15): You have a very interesting plot. There are evaluations for life struggles, survival, romance, friendship, overcoming personal differences, cooperation, world destruction (IDK if I should include this here, LOL) and other stuff and I can see how you are trying to make them surface as the story progresses. I just find some important elements missing such as the nature of the “monster disease”, the extent of infestation and such.

I have guesses on where the plot is leading but I don’t know for sure and you what? That’s actually a good thing because that’s what makes it engaging, although I can’t help but to feel a little bit off when Jinki enters the scene. It’s like all the issues of monsters have vanished and there’s only the love triangle going on. I’m sorry if I see it as such but there is definitely a sudden down-slope going on.

 

ღ Flow (14.5/20)
So I was told to include Characterization either here or in the Foreword part. Obviously, I chose to put it here coz I don’t really find the other option plausible.

Characterization (7/10): I enjoyed how sometimes you added your characters’ reactions and emotions when they throw in their lines or when you narrate their way of thinking. I see the effort on how you tried to distinctly draw lines between each character and let the readers see for themselves what kind of individuals they are through their actions and thoughts, rather than provide explicit descriptions (as in character listing) in the foreword. In my opinion, it is better to just leave it to your readers to draw appropriate conclusions about your characters. Of course this may differ from one reviewer to another but yeah, that’s only my opinion.

However, I just have issues about the consistency of the characterization (especially Taemin). And I also feel like Jinki’s character isn’t well expressed.

Flow (8/10): There are transitions that are well-implemented, there are those which are alright but there are also those that are quite questionable. I don’t have any issues about your narrative construction; I think it is at least satisfactory.

 

ღ Grammar & Spelling (15/20)
I have no major issues with your spelling, though there are some typos here and there. Your grammar is good too. I found mistakes yes, inconsistent tense usages and punctuation misses (sorry, I’m just so distracted by your way of ending dialogues).

 

ღ Words (8/10)
You are conscious of your word choices and I personally find that tactful on your part as a writer. The concept you are luring the readers to think is well-expressed through your diction and you managed to suit the vocabulary to the atmosphere and mood of each scene. For example, in the first chapter, my senses are ultra-heightened as you relay how Minho moves and thinks and how you play with the element of fear that best portrayed Minho’s struggles of being alert. In the next scenes involving Minho’s tease-y nature to Taemin, you also managed to articulate the “fluffy” atmosphere even though there is a rather gory scene with the monsters prior to that.

 

ღ Interest & Enjoyment (7.5/10)
I enjoyed it, especially the first chapters. It’s kind of fun imagining idols battling against the monstrous creatures and all the blood and sword and spear and you know, their stunts and poses (as in the ending pose after the last enemy falls down, LOL I kind of have that in mind XD) as they fight. I’m a gory-loving person so yeah (I think I should include that to my staff information XD).

However, I find myself actually being bored as I approach the end of the latest updates. I’m aching for action but it’s only romance you’re giving. I’m a bit disappointed too at how soon Taemin and Minho has gotten together. The Description has sort of conditioned me that the main conflict is them being far away (literally) and battling against the monsters while “finding” each other but it turns out it is the issue of amnesia and love triangle that’s separating them.

 

ღ Overall Grade (74.5/100)
So this is the review proper; my warning takes effect after this (in my story notes) so again, I hope you don’t get saturated. These are all my honest thoughts. It is up to you if you still want to read the next part. It’s weird coz I’m actually torn between wanting and not wanting you to. XD

 

ღ STORY NOTES

 

Over-all Observations

• I personally appreciate you presenting a prologue instead of a straight Chapter 1 shoved to the reader’s face. I find it extremely important to level bumpy grounds first before smoothly sailing through the plot development especially since in your case, you started the “actual” story with Minho’s struggles to live. Sure whatever happened in the past can just be put in as the story progresses but I think it won’t be enough to properly explain the gist. By laying out the concrete events leading the scenes to morph into the present, you managed to suitably introduce your story with sturdy foundations. I actually want to laud you for this. Good job!

 

• I also like the way you narrated the prologue – not too flowery, not too stoic. I really think it suits the dynamic of the story. This is particularly a major plus on how you executed the flow and the over-all narrative construction of the prologue.

 

• Reading the first chapter is like an overload of descriptions for me. I appreciate your effort for imagery – it’s one of the key things that can make a story narration a good story narration – but somehow I find it a bit excessive. Sometimes we go for descriptions not just to let the readers imagine the scenes with detail but also, most of the time, to emphasize the points we want them to grasp. In your case, I find your descriptive attempts unnecessary in that you described almost everything, even the “beautiful” coat of the deer, which isn’t really very vital in the story.

 

• Again, I want to reiterate this thing about descriptions. But this time, I will be venturing a little wider and include your way of describing the character’s actions. It is just so very detailed that I feel like my reading experience is dragging on with how very slow you are moving forward. For example, instead of this:

 

“I smiled slightly as the smell of singing meat drifted into my nose. I looked down and removed the meat from the fire. Popping one peace in my mouth and savoring the tender meat and the juices that spilled out and coated my tongue, I packed the rest in clean containers and put them in my bag.”

 

why not just make it like this:

 

“I smiled slightly as the singing aroma of cooked meat aded the air. I chanced a tender piece and regretfully packed the rest for future sustenance.”

 

This probably isn’t a very good substitute and this is just an example anyway, but you get it right? There is really no need to relay every action as how the character does them. Readers know the sequence of events. In the case of the example, without you saying the meat is removed from the fire and such, readers will still grasp the deed because that is what’s expected and obvious. I think the next observation most likely dances the same beat as this. 

 

• There are instances when I find some of your sentences awkward. They are needlessly long in a sense that the succeeding details strike me as just surplus which, when omitted, won’t have a great impact on the state of things. Simply put, you tend to be redundant on your details. For example:

 

“I kept my ears alert for any sounds and eyes open for anything moving.”

 

There’s no need to point out the obvious because ears are always for hearing and eyes are always for sight. You get me, right?

 

• I see a recurring misuse of word/s. For example, still in the first chapter, you used “it’s” when it is “its” you meant. Okay, English Grammar Reminder Alert: “It’s” is a shortened version of it is or it has whereas “its” is a neuter version of the third person (possessive) pronoun. To further illustrate their difference, let’s look at this statement:

 

“I'm sorry,” I whispered and dragged it across it's neck, creating a red ugly smile on it.

 

If we conform to the actual sense of “it’s” and use the original, the statement will turn out like this:

 

“I'm sorry,” I whispered and dragged it across it is neck, creating a red ugly smile on it.

 

So, does it make sense when you read it? Tell me about it. Hahaha.

 

• There’s another one. You repeatedly used the word “layed” which doesn’t exist. LOL. But anyway, I still get it that what you’re meaning is the action verb “lie” (as in “to recline”). Just for future references, it is lie in present tense, lay in past tense and lain in past participle. Do not confuse this with another verb “lay” (as in “to place something or put something on something”). In this word’s case, it is lay in present tense, laid in past tense and laid (still) in past participle. So you get the difference, lie is something you do yourself (as in “I lie down to rest.”), while lay is something you do to something (as in “He lays his heavy luggage on the bench.”) Err, does that make sense?

 

• It is he/his, she/her, they/their and it/its (subject pronoun/possessive pronoun). In your narration, you always used a combined version. For example:

 

“I watched in amazement as the person skillfully handled their weapon as if they were trained all their life. I assumed the person was a girl since they had their long light brown hair tied back by a piece of cloth.”

 

The character is watching, thus he can discern based on what he sees the gender of the “person” (take note, it is singular) so when reconstructed, the statement will somehow look like this:

 

“I watched in amazement as the person with long, tied-up hair skillfully handled her weapon as if she was trained all her life.”

 

You can see that rather than explicitly saying that the character assumed the person is a girl, the assumption is already included in his line of thoughts. Also, I ask you to take note of “person” being a singular noun because when we look back at our English classes (lol), using they/their as its pronoun (or substitute) is most definitely wrong.

 

• Okay fine, since I’m touching a little grammar here already, I might as well include these:

 

When ending a quotation and following it with the action (of the speaker), you should always use a comma, unless the quoted statement ends either with a question mark or an exclamation point. For example:

“Minho!” someone screamed.

“Tell me she's okay! She'll get better, right?" he screamed, tears spilling over his lashes.

“But I missed you too," he said before planting more kisses.

Expressions of anger and disbelief and all other emotions can be achieved by different punctuations. It will be enough to use an exclamation point, a question mark or both but not lots of them together.

Ellipses are always composed of three dots.

 

 

Plot Notes (According to Chapter)

 

Prologue (I’m sorry if I have lots of notes here. Well, this is the introduction so I just want to clarify stuff before I go on the next):

Reviewer POV set aside, I love the prologue! Seriously, when I read the “…and his vision went black.” at the end I’m like, “Must. Click. Next.” HAHA! Good job on the cliffhanger and like what I said in my observation, I like the over-all narration in this part.

I get it that you are trying to portray Taemin’s character here as a wimp (or a crybaby) of some sort but I think it borders overreaction, especially when he says the “I WILL NOT MOVE AWAY UNTIL YOU TELL ME WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER!!" line. Okay, I understand he loves his lover’s mother but I just find it awkward that he is the one being hysterical when Minho, who is the “real” son, is just dumbstruck and speechless.

The thing with men in suits rushing in to ship Minho’s mother is quite cute (I sort of have the ending of Resident Evil – the first installment – in my mind XD). Anyway, I just have one question though. Shouldn’t Minho and the rest of the gang shipped too? Coz basically they had “direct” contact with Minho’s mother. I mean, if the men have suits then it must mean they take the virus infection very strong and consequently, they should have thought of putting them (Minho and company) under quarantine for observation. Which leads me to another question, how is the “disease” acquired? Airborne? Through saliva? Through bloodstream?

Where is that “lobby” you are referring to? A hospital? A testing facility? A high-security building? When I have envisioned the room with a window, again, I have Resident Evil in mind – particularly the scene where they are testing/observing/teaching a zombie to recognize human inclinations (and the scene is in a facility with fancy stuff). And come to think of it, Dr. Jung is actually a very high-profile doctor in my opinion. He looks like he has extensive authority or something. Hahaha.

Taemin’s reaction to the declaration of Kuru disease is a bit off. If anything, I think he should have Minho’s father’s reaction. Which is weird I think. Minho’s father has expressed hopelessness when he collapses against the wall so that means the Kuru disease is something grave (and the doctor has just described its nature: rabid tendencies, loss of human characteristics) but Taemin just brushes that off so easily like saying “oh so that’s the disease” or something like that, to think he’s been very hysterical prior to that. Just saying. But I must admit, I love the bit where Taemin faints eventually. LOL.

Is the original Kuru disease curable?

Haven’t the doctors foreseen the level of rabidity Minho’s mother has? I mean they already know the effect of the “stronger virus”. Poor worker, he is just torn up and eaten by a monster, just like that.

So okay, this is where I want to ask the question again: a bite from the monster will mean infection right?

The manner of bombing is weird.

Who is that man who hit Taemin? Will he have a significant role in the plot?

One:

How come the scene is in the forest? It’s just weird.

Oh wait, I am a little confused. A person acquiring the disease is still a living person but just not human anymore right? So technically when it is killed (by conventional methods of killing mere humans) it won’t be like a zombie rising from the dead, err or something like that? I just find the line “some of them were missing limbs leaving a trail of dripping blood everywhere they went” weird, this is a zombie. Ugh, wait I’m so sorry. I’m just really confused!

Can you provide a rough background on how to kill them? A slice here and a fire there and that’s it, they’re really dead? No “target his brain for sure kill” type of approach? Oh and I’m meaning to ask but how is their movement? Like are they moving in a slower pace (like the conventional zombies because they’re like ones LOL) or are they like super RAWR types? Because by the way you put the fight scenes, they seem like very clever beings.

Five years have passed and Minho has survived for that long, but why does he seem like a noob when it comes to fighting the monsters?

Discovering someone clean from the disease (un-infected) should have been good news to anyone. Sure Taemin has some tragic experience that comes with this whole saving-someone-from-monsters bit but shouldn’t that at least have fortified (all the more) his resolve to save lives? (Why has he left immediately after he saved Minho?) Sorry, I just find it very apathetic but whatever, I guess it’s part of the story’s plot after all.

Okay, the whole army thing is a surprise. So Taemin gets hit and suffers amnesia and then he wakes up and he’s in the army? HOW? Is this the man’s (who hit him) intention all along, to enlist him?

Taemin spends four years training? That’s quite a long time. What is the purpose of the training in the first place? I suppose the army people know the disease that’s been plaguing the “outside” world. Is that it? Are they training to battle against the monsters (but it still is too long for me)? But why the test for survival? They have trained quite long enough, in my opinion. And then just two hours outside and they (Taemin and Kai) are already caught up between monsters and death? Err. Kru kru.

In the scene where Minho thinks he’s seen Taemin, you mean to say they are resting on top of trees that are so close to each other but they haven’t realized this sooner? Well I assume this because Minho sees Taemin’s eyes and recognizes him almost immediately, and in order to do that they must be in such close proximity.

Oh wait, so the monsters are rabid for flesh but they still retain their human senses (they can hear) and stuff? So they aren’t zombies then. Coz zombies just have one hunger and they don’t care about anything else. Whaaaaat. Hahahaha. See, I am super confused with your version of monsters. Sorry, I try making it simple (like thinking of them as mere zombies) but I’m just really so perplexed by stuff.

 

Two:

Minho is trying to save Taemin but it turns out Taemin doesn’t need saving because he is the one saving Minho in the end. LOL.

Okay, I want to point out something about Taemin’s name and stuff but I guess this is answered in later chapters. Pass.

The initial reaction of Taemin to Minho’s declaration of their “past” strikes me as something very indifferent. Taemin knows he has amnesia after all, so why hasn’t he at least acknowledged the possibility?

Cooking while they’re up the tree? LOL.

Some interrogation and then Taemin is crying in front of a “stranger”. At this point I have envisioned him as the tough guy already. You developed him as such. Plus he is wearing his poker-face mask too so…

 

Three:

The first scene is funny and cute! Especially with the “please oppa, help me up” part. But okay, I just feel like there’s no proper build-up for this scene. I mean they are practically strangers just yesterday and then there’s this thing. I just think that you can at least have explored a little more about how they are coping up with “existing” in each other’s personal space and then do this to create the effect that they have grown “closer” through time. And also, Minho is aware that Taemin has “changed” (he is manlier LOL) so I guess this is tactless on his part to just demand something so aegyo-ish. XD

All the other fluffy scenes are well-executed actually, the atmosphere is light, the diction suits the mood but again, I just feel the interaction and ease so sudden. More build-up here I guess.

Taemin is so easy to open up to Minho; he’s even said “we’ll make our shelter” but then when Minho sees him giggling with a bird, Taemin gets angry. It’s just inconsistent I guess.

 

Okay, I’m stopping here. I’m so sorry for the 2500+ words of observations. Again, you can choose to disregard everything. These are only my notes anyway; I don’t intend them to speak absolute truths. If you find this review very annoying because of too much detail, then I’m sorry. If, by any chance, you want to read my further notes (on the remaining chapters), just message me okay? Alert me if you have questions or if you just want to rant how weird this review is; I swear I’m open for anything. And I’m friendly, I’ll gladly explain anything. :)

Thank you!

 

At your humble disposal,

threecheers

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