stσrч títlє: Miss Sunshine

rєvíєwєr: Suweetiesama

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ღ Title(1/5): First of all, you’re leaning into the cliche section or you're already in it. The ‘sunshine’ part is slightly special but the ‘Miss’ part is just a no-no. As you see, many fanfics have the word ‘Miss’ incorporated into their titles. You could even try it out, just type 'miss' into the search bar and atleast 10 pages of searches comes up. In fact, there’s a fanfic name ‘My Miss Sunshine’. Doesn’t that sound awfully similar to yours? I would even say its almost exactly the same if it wasn’t for the ‘My’ word.

Secondly, I have no idea how come the title is named ‘Miss Sunshine’. I understand that the main female character’s nickname is sunshine but that hardly relates to the story at all. Your title sounds as if the story is about a cheery girl who goes through many ups and downs. I do not see this in your story at all.

ღ Poster&Background(4/5): Your poster is beautiful and matches with your story. I liked how the OC was wearing a yellow dress. It matched the concept of shunshine. The colors are actually pretty nice too and the font is simple but pretty. Heck, even the color of the word ‘sunshine’ partially matched the OC’s hair color.

Two negatives though, your background is just completely off. The colors are fine but butterflies? Really? I was expecting a background to match your story title more but butterflies are just, ugh. For example, if you had a bg that had cute little cartoon suns, that would match more than butterflies or you could just use a plain colored bg with your story title on it and it would’ve still matched beautifully.

In addition, the chapter poster is so.....pink. Exactly what part of it matches your title or your story ? I won’t take off a lot of points for this but keep in mind that whenever you request a poster, make sure the designer understands what kind of poster or what color corporates well with your story.

ღ Forword&Description(5/10): First, the description sounded so boring. I nearly didn’t feel like reading it. It just sounded very deep, full of heart-wrenching romance. However, throughout the story, I didn’t find it as deep as you made it sound. The use of quotes were nice. Second, the characters aren’t explained at all. Even a teeny bit would help. I had no idea how one character differs from another. All I knew was the age. Of course, maybe you wanted to keep it a secret and let readers find out through the story but it was confusing. Third, the characters’ pictures looks distorted. No lies. They seemed stretched, pulled and squeezed.

In addition, even after reading your story, I do not find the characters special in any way. Maybe some had a nastier personality than another. But that was because a guy was involved, right? Let’s take away the guy, then what do we have? Nearly all the girl characters have similar personalities.

ღ Plot’s uniqueness(15/20): One word: extremely cliche!
God knows how many there are on AFF. Even if you decided to use an arranged marriage plot, atleast add something special that spices up the story. For example, a different time setting or a unique way of how come the characters are getting married. Your story follows the usual "two opposite people getting married because of either financial problems or personal problems. Will they ever love each other and blah blah blah" sort of plot. This seems very classical and filled with romance. By romance, I’m talking about the fluffly, squishy and soft kind of romance. Atleast, that's what your foreword/description is displaying to me. I typed this section without reading the actual story yet so we’ll have to see.

ღ Flow(17/20): I’ll say your story processes at a considerate speed. A little more to the slow side though. Sometimes, you rushed a bit. At some parts of the story, the pace suddenly increases as if everything happened in fast forward. Nothing much to say in this section because overall, I think you did okay.

ღ Grammar&Spelling(13/20): I really hate doing this but I couldn’t help it.

Chapter 1: “Jinhye woke up finding herself slept on her desk...” No-no. That just sounds bad and wrong. I was thinking of replacing ‘slept’ with ‘asleep’ but then again, it would sound wrong too. So honestly, I don’t know how to fix that.
Chapter 1: “She looked over her clock.” -> “She looked at her clock” or “She looked over at her clock.”
Chapter 1: “Omma! Im late” No punctuations!! Grr!
Correction: “Omma! I’m late.”
Chapter 1: “... she then hurredly got dressed...” Spelling error!
Correction: “...she then hurriedly got dressed...”
Chapter 1: “..I hear those ‘kids’ were born into luxury life, Must be good for them,” -> “...I heard that those ‘kids’ were born into luxury life, must be good for them,”

** I notice you have the habit of writing extremely long sentences. No! Girl, you need to pause. Like pause! The sentences are long and all put together with commas. Try separating them and end the sentences with periods instead. I also noticed that you don’t space after a comma. It's not major but it makes the sentences look like they’re stuck together.

Chapter 1: “The senior’s from the other college...” Before you referred to them as plural. Don’t suddenly change it to singular making it seem like it was only one person all along if you actually meant a group. Correction: “The seniors’ from the other college...”
Chapter 1: “Don’t be too taken, were also seniors and this is our school.” Can you see the punctuation mistake?

**Again!! No periods! You’re capitalizing words right after a comma. Either make the comma into a period or do not capitalize.

Chapter 1: “.., worried to be late...” Doesn’t sound right.

**You need spaces..... some words have no space inbetween them when they should.

Chapter 1: “You’re not going to pick all that?” It doesn’t sound wrong but it is. First, you didn’t put the word, ‘up’ so it sounds as if she’s making choice. Like a girl deciding to pick pink over blue. Correction: “You’re not going to pick up all of that?”
Chapter 1: “She raised her eyebrows and shot up...” Hahaha,... what? Her eyebrows raised then she shot up. The way you worded it sounds like she flew up which I think that isn’t what you meant.
Chapter 1: “She seemed well one of those girls...” -> “She seemed like one of those girls...”
Chapter 1: “Theyre going now?” -> “They’re going now?”
Chapter 1: “...Kai his name’s Kai...” -> “...Kai, his name’s Kai...”
Chapter 1: “Seosangnim, Miahne.” -> “Seosangnim, miahne.” Or “Seosangnim. Miahne.”
Chapter 1: “This is the last time neh? next time, you’ll be on detention, Go, Sit!” No capitalization, wrong capitalization and no punctuations.
Correction: “This is the last time, neh? Next time, you’ll be in detention. Go sit!”

**Again... periods! You need periods! One of your sentences should’ve been divided into 3 neat sentences. Instead, they were all put together with flimsy commas.

Chapter 1: “..everyone hurredly exited their last lesson then everyone was all over the hallways, Just as then it cleared when...” -> “...everyone hurriedly exited their last lesson and was crowding the hallways. Just as it started clearing, the 15 seniors....”

**Is it me or do you love the word, ‘then’ ? You use that word way too many times. If you need transition words, try something else. Repetitive words are boring and unattractive.

Chapter 1: ‘Aish, this kid, I got distracted ok? Btw I didnt know HeiRyung-ssi works here, Yah did you know that?”

Wrong punctuation! Should be “ instead of ‘ for dialogue.

Correction: “Aish, this kid. I got distracted, okay? By the way, I didn’t know that HeiRyung-ssi worked here. Yah, did you know that?”
Chapter 1: “...with either his auntie or his parents, He gets frustrated if it’s about business...” -> “...with either his auntir or his parents, he would get frustrated if it’s about business...”
Chapter 1: “ “Business.” His auntie echoed.” Okay, what? His aunt echoed? A person echoed? Really?
Correction: “Business.” His auntie’s voice echoed.

Chapter 2: “She keeps glancing over Kai..” -> “She keeps glancing over at Kai.”
Chapter 2: “Kai’s table there were Chohee from yesterday...” I understand how come you would use the plural word, ‘were’ because the word, ‘Kai’s’ is plural, right? Well, you’re wrong. After typing that, the word, ‘were’ should take its form following the word, ‘there’. Therefore, the word should be ‘was’. In addition, the whole sentence sounds awkward and again, wrong.
Correction: “Kai’s table consisted the girl, Chohee, who was from yesterday....”
Chapter 2: “SunHa threw a piece shrimp cracker at Jinhye.” -> “SunHa threw a piece of shrimp cracker at Jinhye.”
Chapter 2: “I cant...” -> “I can’t..”
Chapter 2: “Jinhye’s gaze followed Kai as he walked out, she just shook her head and went back to eating, Why can’t she just leave him alone, Why does that jerk left this massive effect on her, she couldn’t understand how a person she met just the day before could leave this massive mark would be imprinted in her mind.”

I don’t even know how to start explaining just how bad this sentence was written.

Correction: “Jinhye’s gaze followed Kai as he walked out. She just shook her head and went back to eating. Why can’t she just leave him alone? Why did that jerk leave such a massive effect on her? She couldn’t even understand how a person she met just the day before could leave this massive mark imprinted into her mind.” That one sentence was supposed to be 5 sentences.You need to learn how to use period marks and the correct tenses.
Chapter 2: “Ill take my leave then...” -> “I’ll take my leave then...”
Chapter 2: “...you seriously are daebak.” ->  “...you are seriously daebak.” Or “...you’re seriously daebak.”
Chapter 2: “I want someday to walk through a place like, this nothing but open skies and peaceful sea melodies” No periods, again and it just sounds terrible.
Correction: “I want to someday walk through a place, with nothind but open skies and peaceful sea melodies.”

**More capitalization errors and no periods.... I don’t even bother listing them.

Chapter 2: “Are you sure you can handle a 9hours work?” -> “Are you sure you can handle 9 hours of work?”
Chapter 2: “...she’s Ms Kim...” -> “...she’s Ms. Kim...”

At the beginning, I planned to list all the mistakes in every chapter but then I got lazy you had so much mistakes. Mostly dealing with capitalization, spelling errors, no periods, no pauses and no punctuations. Everytime I read your story, I feel like it's all tumbling out of my mouth without stopping. It seems as if there is no end to your sentences, got me very confused and extremely IRRITATED. Please put periods! You might have nice writing but almost every sentence is mushed up together, making the sentence lose it's original meaning. Same results occur if you don’t put in neccessary words into a sentence. Spelling errors just makes me so mad too! To be honest, you have quite a few. All those mistakes piled up onto each other makes a story unenjoyable.

Therefore, I decided to give you chapter one and chapter two’s mistakes. If you carefully proofread, your story’s grammar and spelling would take a different turn. I mean it.

ღ Words(4/10): You use way too many repetitive words. Each word would be used so many times! No, do not do that! It makes the story sound extremely boring! Your repetitive words consists of ‘then’, ‘massive’, ‘whilst’,  and etc... I noticed once you started using one word, it repeats a few sentences later then the next chapter, another word would be repeated. The word, 'whilst' is used in almost every single one of your chapters. No kidding.

ღ Interest & Enjoyment(5/10): Well, honestly, I thought it was an okay story. It wasn’t as interesting as I expected it to be. Some parts were kind of cute but for most of the parts, I found them dull. A few parts seemed boring and meanlingless. I felt a surge of itchiness to press the ‘x’ button and close your story. Sorry for being harsh but this story just didn’t appeal to me. It also seemed as if drama, drama and more drama happens in every chapter, non-stop. 

ღ Overall Grade: 64%

Don’t get discrouaged. I’m not saying this to just comfort you but I really think that you could do much better than this. Read more books. That is the best tip I could I give you. This grade might be low but you’re always welcomed back to give it another shot after you’ve fixed your story. Trust me, nobody is born a failure. It’s up to you to make it a success.

I’m normally a stirct, harsh and straightforward reviewer. If I offended you, I apologize. You aren’t the first one to get low marks so just work harder and you’ll succeed.

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