I pulled my robe around me tightly, smiling to myself as I indulged myself in the sentimental walk down memory lane. I picked up my brush, absentmindedly brushing my hair as my mind continued to wander through the memories of events that had led me to my current life.

Life in general is a fickle thing, hundreds of small decisions and events combined to create a result that one could never imagine at the time the events and decisions happened.

Fast forward a year from the shoe incident, it is the end of winter, spring is teasing us all with it's eventual appearance. Life had fallen into a pleasant routine, and comfortable pattern. I now had Choi Seung-hyun, who I called Choi!, Seung-Ri, and Kang Daesung as students, as well as four trainees. I was enjoying my job enormously. I loved teaching, and interacting with my students. I also enjoyed reading through lyrics for anyone at YG who needed it. YG's coffers were deep when it came to talented song writers, and I was always amazed when I had the opportunity to watch that creative process in action. I had also started editing press releases that contained English. All in all, I had enough different 'jobs' that I was never bored or felt I was stuck in a rut, the job truly was my dream job.

There was one more thing I did at YG, but I didn't get paid for it. It had slowly come about, and it was the thing I looked most looked forward to each week. It had started one day after Choi's lesson ended. It was dinner time when it ended, and my stomach had been letting me know for a while that it had missed lunch! Apparently, it had also let Choi know as well! I hadn't realized it was that loud but when the lesson ended, he leaned back and asked, “So are you going down to the cafeteria to eat?”

I laughed and apologized for my stomach before saying that that was indeed my plan. When he asked if he could join me, I considered before replying, “Sure...but you have to use only your English with me at the table.”

He looked surprised, then narrowed his eyes suspiciously. “ Seonsaengnim, is this your way of trying to get rid of me?”

“No, absolutely not! I just want to give you the chance to use your English in a relaxed setting! Why...you don't think you can do it?” I challenged.

“Oh, I can do this...After all I have a great teacher!”

We made our way to the cafeteria, got our food and had just sat down when Ji-Yong, Teddy, and Tae-Yang came in to eat as well. When they had gotten their food they asked if they could join us at our table.

I replied in English, “Of course, but I do have to inform you this is an English only table today. Sit only if you can abide by the rule!” I smiled up at them all, knowing these three all spoke fluent English.

So, it began. Every week after that it had grown, and the Wednesday English Dinner (or W.E.D.) was born. I usually have anywhere between 8-18 people eating and chatting in English. It is such fun. The ladies who serve the food have gotten into it too, and will tell us what there is to eat in English. They approached me, asking if I would write something up for them, spelling out the English pronunciations in Hangul for them. It made my day to do so!

Who comes to W.E.D. varies with what activities are going on in YG at any given time. 2NE1 members, BIGBANG members, Epik High members, dancers, trainees, office staff, managers, drivers, all are welcomed and come. Some of my best memories of YG have come from W.E.D.s! The laughter, the camaraderie and family feeling that already existed at YG was solidified in my life through the hours spent bonding over English in the cafeteria.

*******

My mind jumps ahead to yet another pivotal moment in the story which is my life. I am still teaching Choi, Seungri, Daesung, as well as Jae-Min, Eun-Seol, and Luna from YG's newly popular 7 member girl group FAME. I have no other students due to the fact that I have been traveling often with both BIGBANG and FAME. I am still editing lyrics and press releases, and still loving my job and Korea being immersed in both for just over two years.

Perhaps the biggest turning point in my past came while I was with BIGBANG while in Japan. It was the end of a long world tour and the boys were all weary. They were staying in Japan for three and a half weeks, due to schedules outside of the concerts. Interviews, CF shoots, and such made it necessary to stay in Japan rather than fly back to Seoul between concerts. So I went along to conduct English lessons as well as work with the Japan Office of YG on some things. One Thursday afternoon, I was sitting in the coffee shop attached to the hotel waiting for Choi to arrive for his lesson, when I realized I had left a needed folder in my room.

I wrote a quick note to Choi, in case he came while I was gone, and ran up to the room. The elevator opened on my floor and I stepped out, turning to the left to go to the hallway that would take me to my room. As I turned the corner and could see down the hallway, a door opened near my room door. Choi backed out of the room saying, “Jagiya, I have to go... Seonsaengnim is waiting.” He was slightly leaning over, and I realized a pair of arms were wrapped around his neck. I was surprised, I hadn't realized he was involved with anyone. I felt my mouth drop open, my steps slowing as I took in the scene before me. The person I couldn't see was obviously not happy Choi was leaving, and pulled him forward a step back into the room. Choi was adamant and took a step back out into the hallway pulling the other person with him, and into my view. I stopped dead in my tracks all breath leaving my body my legs became lead, as Choi bent his head and kissed Jiyong. He pulled back and pinched Ji-Yong's cheek and said, “I will be back in an hour, you can last that long, my Heart!” Releasing Jiyong he turned toward me and froze. He was as paralyzed as I was. Jiyong followed Choi's gaze and gasped when he saw me.

“Sinhae-ssi...ahh...you...we...aish!” Jiyong was the only one not frozen, he came over to me and grabbed my wrist pulling me behind him to the room. He grabbed Choi's arm as we passed him and we were both propelled into the room by Jiyong, who shut the door behind us.

Choi and I had remained where we had been pushed, still frozen. Jiyong came to stand in front of us, “Okay, so...well it is like this...” He then realized we were both in a state of shock. He waved his hands in front of our faces, and I blinked.

“I need to sit.” I said numbly.

“Yes, okay sitting is good!” Ji-Yong took my arm and led me over to the couch. I sat down, staring at nothing in front of me, trying to process everything. Ji-Yong went over and led Choi over to sit on couch with me, then sat on the coffee table facing us. As he looked worriedly from one to the other, he was wringing his hands.

I began thinking about everything, realizing that on some level I had known for a while that something had changed with Choi and Ji-Yong. They had been happier and less stressed...as I thought harder I realized it had been the last four months or so.

“So, did this start about four months ago, right before your scandal?” I asked timidly, looking at Ji-Yong for the first time.

I saw the surprise in his eyes as he answered, “Yes, how did you know?”

I gave him a wobbly smile and said, “It makes sense, it was around then I noticed you guys were both less stressed, and happier. It seemed odd considering the situation, but I dismissed it. I never thought much about it after that, why would I...but after seeing what I just saw, things clicked into place for me and...” I trailed off, not sure if I was done or not.

“Are you okay?” Jiyong asked me, gently reaching out to me but unsure if he should actually touch me.

“I could use some water.” I answered truthfully.

He jumped up to go get me some, grateful for a concrete task to perform. I turned to look at Choi who was still frozen sitting next to me. He looked at me with fear in his eyes, it hurt me deeply to see that.

“No, don't look like that.” I reached out without thinking and took his hand in mine. “You never have to be afraid of me, Choi! These past two years of being with you guys and knowing you, hanging out with you and establishing a relationship...I am glad you are happy. I am not going to lie that I am not shocked, because it is obvious that I am...but you never have to be afraid of me. Truly! It hurts me when you or Ji-Yong-a are hurting...and I would never do anything to cause either of you pain.” I gave his hand a little squeeze, and he squeezed back, breathing again. Ji-Yong came back with my water, which I took and drank gratefully. Ji-Yong sat down beside Choi on the couch.

“The only ones who know are the other members, and President Yang. I just, when I saw you in the hall and knew you had seen us...I panicked. What we have is so amazing and I saw it all slip away from me in a blink of an eye, and it scared me and...” Choi looked so lost as he finish and Ji-Yong picked up his other hand in both of his, hanging on for dear life.

“I will never tell anyone, you have my word! It is going to take me a bit of time to adjust to this...I honestly didn't see this coming, but I am happy for you...I just...I need some time. It sounds stupid I know-”

“No!” They said in unison before Seung-Hyun continued, “We understand completely. Take all the time you need. We would love to talk to you about it all when you feel you are ready...we will answer any questions you have...we want to be open and honest about this with those who know.” He took his hand out of Ji-Yong's so he could place his arm around Ji-Yong's shoulders, pulling him close to his side.

“I have found an amazing person to love, who loves me too, and I am so grateful.” Ji-Yong stared up at him as Choi said this, love beaming from his face brightly.

I swallowed and nodded, “I can see that...and I will come to you when I have processed all of this...but for now I am going to take refuge in routine...I have to get a folder from my room, then I am going down to the coffee shop to have class, I expect to see you there in 15 minutes.” When I stood they both did as well and walked with me to the door. “Fifteen minutes.” I repeated and walked numbly to my room.

I made it back to my room closing the door behind me before I allowed the tears to spill over and stream down my face. I was shaking as I slid down the door, sobbing into my knees. The pain in my chest was threatening to kill me. I gasped air into my lungs trying to comprehend my reaction to what I had just learned. I should be happy for them, and a part of me was...but another part of me felt like it had just died, and damn did it hurt!

I sat there sobbing trying to calm down while thinking. It was obvious that they were happy, that they were in love, and I was jealous of that. I sobbed harder at the realization that I was jealous of both of them. Not because they had found love, but because of who they had found it with. I was devastated by the revelation that over the course of the last two years I had fallen in love with both of them without really realizing it.

I shook my head angrily. “No!” I thought to myself, “It isn't true! I can't love them...both!” Even as I thought it I knew it was true, there was no way to deny it.

I slumped over to my side, my knees still drawn up to my chest. I lay there until my sobbing slowed, and I began breathing a bit more normally.

“Fine.” I said aloud to the silent room, “Fine, I love them. I love them enough to never let anyone know that fact. I love them enough to do everything within my power to ensure their happiness, and never let anyone hurt them. I will prove my love by never admitting that I love them.” I lay there for another long moment before slowly pushing myself up to a sitting position.

“I can do this.” I stood up going into the bathroom, and stared at myself in the mirror. “I have to do this.” I washed my face with cold water, squared my shoulders and concluded, “I will do this.”

With that I turned grabbed the folder and put my hand on the door knob to leave. I hesitated, took a deep breath, forced a smile on my face, and walked out the door and into a new, painful world. 

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A/N: It is shorter but contains much! Comments, positive and negative, are appreciated...as long as they are contructive rather than destructive!

~Cheers

Maddie