A/N: I know this is shorter than usual, but I really really wanted to get this up on New Years Day! 

I am unsure of what is going on right now. All I know is that this changes everything. What the hell, this can't be right...I can't be pregnant...right?

“You need to call them both right now. You need to tell them! This isn't something small, they have a right to know immediately.” SuLi said once again and I sigh.

We have been sitting in her car outside of my condo building. It was a silent ride from the doctor's office to the place we now sit, both of us lost in thought. However, once she put the car in park the flood gates opened and she graced me with exactly what she thought I should do...and that I should do it all immediately. I lost count of how many times she has used the word immediately...it was funny at first.

“I told you, there is no way that this is possible, and knowing that fact, I am NOT...and I repeat..NOT going to tell them anything about this until I have a chance to see Dr. Lee tomorrow.” I tell her yet again, wearily.

“I know what you said, I think you are wrong and we should go to the YG building right now, like immediately!”

'And we are back to that word' I think to myself and smile tiredly.

“SuLi, I love you dearly, but I am determined. I will not tell either of my spouses anything about this until after going to see Dr. Lee tomorrow, and neither are you. I need time to think and as I have said, I am sure it is all a mistake, and I refuse to raise their hopes only to then break their hearts!”

She looked at me, resigned to the fact that I was not going to do what she wanted.

“I still think you are wrong, but I love you anyway.” She told me slightly miffed.

“Thank you...for everything today.” I told her genuinely, “You are my most treasured BFF.” I smile wanly at her and she returns it.

“I am going to go home and make some tea, curl up in front of the fire, and try to relax and think.” I say gathering all my belongings.

“Okay. Call me if you need anything...and I mean that, ANYTHING!” She leans over and gives me a sitting hug. I return the hug gratefully.

“I love you, Sinhae-a. Please, just remember you are not alone.” My dear friend says as I get out of the car.

“I know. I will call you tomorrow no matter what.” I assure her.

“Damn right you will.” She shoots back grinning before I close the door and she drives away.

I watch her until she turns out of the drive and back onto the street. I stand there for a moment breathing in the icy air, delighting in the feel of it filling my lungs.

I let my head fall back, gazing at the grey clouded winter sky. I think it is supposed to snow tonight, that would be nice, I miss snow. I do not know how long I stand there mindlessly staring at nothing. Eventually, another tenant comes out of the double doors behind me and I shake myself out of my stupor. I turn and head into the building.

As I enter the lobby Fred, one of the security guards, smiles at me. “Everything alright today, Sinhae?”

Fred was born in the States to Korean parents who thought it would be easier for him to fit in if they gave him an American name. This however, backfired when they moved back to South Korea when he was three.

I managed to smiled at Fred, “Too early to tell, Fred.”

“You let me know if you need anything while your guys are not here, okay?” Fred looks at me sternly.

“I will.” I tell him, “But my guys are in Korea right now.”

“Doesn't matter, they are not with you right now, and as your surrogate brother it is my duty to help you out.”

I sigh and nod my head as the elevator arrives, “Ne.” I get in the elevator car and wait for the doors to close. The last thing I see is Fred giving me a look that speaks of his concern. I sigh again, Fred started off as in personal security at YG, but after he and his wife started a family he didn't want to travel as much so YG arranged for him to work in our building. It was nice that he could be near his wife and kids all the time. I sigh as my mind returns to the subject of children.

This can't be real. I mean I was told...all my life...they always said...children were not possible. They told me my body wasn't able to conceive. They said my body would never support life. They had literally told me the chances were the same as going to the moon. Huh! I snorted aloud, Maybe I should apply to NASA! Yes, because there was a real need for a Korean/Japanese/English translator in space!

I shook my head to clear my jumbled thoughts as the doors opened onto my floor. I went to the door, pressed my thumb on the plate and then entered the code when the screen switched to the number pad. The door chime sounded and I enter my home. After throwing my bag down with my shoes I walked to the couch and threw myself on it. I didn't really feel my body, I had been numb since the doctor had told me I was pregnant. I stared out the floor to ceiling window at the city of Seoul and sunk back into my internal dialogue.

Since this wasn't real, since this wasn't remotely possible why was I even stressing myself out about it? What was the point? There was no way it could be real, why let it consume my entire being?

But...what if? A small still-hopeful part of my brain had the courage to ask, and thus began my conversation with myself.

What if what?

What if it is true?

It CAN'T be true. They have ALWAYS said there is NO WAY!

THEY are not God! THEY make mistakes all the time...what if they are wrong this time...what if I really am pregnant? What if I could give a child to my loves? The hopeful voice asked, in awe of the prospect. It was desperate to believe that it might happen.

Okay, what if it IS true...let us think about this, shall we? If it IS true...think about what this really means. Dear One and Heart are at the peak of their careers. They are both so completely busy for the next three months, producing recording and then promoting. After that is another World Tour. You know that take the rest of the year. Tell me...just WHERE does a pregnant wife, and a newborn fit into that schedule?

Yes, they are busy...but they both want to be fathers...they would be over the moon about it! 'Hopeful' insisted stubbornly.

Yes, they would be thrilled...and they could tell...who? How do they explain the change of schedule? How do they explain leaving suddenly to be with you when the time comes? That is IF the time actually came. Remember, even if we are pregnant, this body is not equipped to support life.

They could be wrong about that too! They said that we could never be pregnant either!!!

I do not believe that we are pregnant now...only Dr. Lee telling me, will make me believe.

Okay, fine we are going tomorrow, then you will not have a choice but to believe.

That aside, you haven't told me where a newborn fits into our husbands' schedules.

They would make time! You know it. You know they would do whatever it takes!

They would damage not only their careers, but the rest of the members careers as well. This doesn't just effect the three of us. It never has. BIGBANG changes it's plans and every single member of YG is effected, from the stockholders, to the choreographers, to the accountants, to the janitor. BIGBANG equals money, income, profit. A child means another year without an album from BIGBANG. Yes, all the members can scramble to find solo activities, they could even try some more sub-units...but it will not be anywhere near what a BIGBANG comeback would be. Is it fair to ask them to do all that when the chances of carrying a child to term is so tiny and farfetched?

I would never even have to ask, nor would the other members bear ill feeling about it...you know that if they were told I were pregnant they would be almost as eager as our guys to do what needed to be done to ensure the health and safety of the baby and mother...Oh, my gawd...mother...I would be a mother...

I sat pondering that word while the tears streamed down my face unheeded.

I would be a mother! I would carry and child in my womb...I would give birth to that child...I would be responsible for raising another human being! Something I never considered. Oh ! Could I do it? Could the three of us really raise a child?

That is what I am saying! What would we tell the public. You know that neither of these men would EVER deny their child, in public or private. They will celebrate their child in every way possible... but how can they do that? What would we tell the public? They think I am Seung-Hyun's adopted sister...so I guess we could revel that I am Ji-Yong's girlfriend, the one he always refers to...but the timing...people would assume that the only reason Ji went public was that I was pregnant. The fans would say I blackmailed Ji into a relationship, they would hate me forever. We still could not be seen in public together. The haters would attack at every chance, in every way. Ji may be able to go out in public with the child but I would still be forced to hide in the apartment...it would be even worse than now. At least now I can come and go mostly as I please. If this went public, then I would not be able to step out the door without the haters being there. A body guard would always need to be with me...and how are you going to take a child out into that atmosphere? Beyond that, how many times have I watched a mother interacting with their child and thought that I was so glad I don't have kids? I mean seriously, can I do this, moreover, SHOULD I do this?

What the hell are you talking about? If I am pregnant then yes we CAN and yes we SHOULD. There is no question about that! NONE. If the three of us have been granted a miracle then we will all do our very best to provide this child with everything it needs. A child...a CHILD! A life, inside me right now, growing...living. Oh, could it be? Will it look like me, or my Heart or Dear One? I wonder who the father is? I wonder if we would ever find out...I wonder if it will be obvious as the child grows up which one of it's loving fathers is it's genetic father? A baby. A baby...part me and part them. We don't have to tell the fans anything. We can just continue the way we are...but...

You don't even need me to tell you that won't work. How do you expect a child to understand that their Appa's can't hold them in public. How does a child understand that they can't call out to their Appa when they see them outside of the house? How do you convince your husbands to go along with that? How do you get them to agree to ignore their offspring when others are around. It isn't going to happen. So the public must be told. Life as you know it know will cease to exist. If you think it is hard now you just wait...you will beg for this time to come back when you experience the full anger of the scorned fans. There is no way for Ji-Yong-a and Seung-Hyun-a to protect you in this, it changes everything. What happens if you announce that you are Ji's girl and give birth to a child who looks exactly like Seung-Hyun? Can you IMAGINE the backlash there? While in theory it is amazing and wonderful, I cannot see how it can bring anything but pain and suffering to everyone. Is it fair to a child to bring it into this situation? I almost hope I am not pregnant.

HA! ALMOST! See even you hope that I am pregnant! This child would be loved by it's parents more than any other child on the planet...Ji and Hyun would spoil and adore it...and they would willingly give up everything they have to make sure their child was healthy and happy...and they might just have to give it all up for the four of us to have true happiness. They might have to walk away from music...walk off the stage never to go back on again...

My heart was breaking in 13 different ways; I hurt for the child that might have to endure so much, I ached for my spouses who would have to lose a part of them, I grieved from myself who may have to endure being hated by so many. While the actual thought of having a baby was wondrous to me I just could not see how it could turn out to be good for everyone in the long term...someone would have to lose so so much. I sobbed, clutching a pillow to my middle, rejoicing and grieving all at the same time. My heart was bruised and battered by my thoughts, and my mind was weary from the battle within. I sobbed until I physically could cry no longer, and sleep claimed me.

I woke up sometime later to hear the door chime announcing that someone was entering. I blinked slowly as the memories and inner turmoil began again. I heard the two loves of my life chatting and laughing with each other about what happened in the studio and the tears threatened once again. I stared at the skyline in front of me, now brightly lit by millions of lights as the sun had gone down while I slept.

“Little One?” Ji called up the stairs, “We have dinner, do you feel up to eating?”

“I don't know, what do you have?” I asked from my place on the couch behind him.

“Holy , baby! You scared the out of me!” He jumped, turning to stare at me in shock. “I thought you were upstairs since the lights were off down here.”

He walked over, flipping on the lights as he came. He sat down next to me and threw his arm around my shoulders. “How are you feeling?” He asked before really taking a good look at me. “You don't look well. Babe, have you been crying?”

“What? No. Why would I cry?” I said, and cringed internally at how false it sounded even to me.

“Little One—Sinhae-a...no lies.” He looked me in the eyes and I melted.

“I cried. I don't know what I feel, I am so tired of being sick! I just want it to resolve itself!” I lamented walking a fine line between truth and lies. He pulled me into a hug while I continued, “And you should be wearing a mask in case I am contagious.” I grumbled at him.

“Yes, my love. I will go get one after I am done hugging you.”

“By then it may be too late! Go get one now!” I smacked him away and he gave in, getting up and going to find a mask for both of us.

Seung-Hyun waltzed in with bags full of take-away. He placed them on the coffee table and smiled at me. He started to ask me something but I didn't hear him, because it was then that the smell hit me. One whiff of the overwhelming food smell and I was running for the toilet. I knelt over the bowl, dry heaving once again. When it finally subsided, I stood rinsed my mouth out, splashed water on my face and dried it. I straightened my shoulders and walked out of the bathroom to come face-to-face with both of my spouses. Their faces spoke volumes, and they weren't filled with romantic comedies. They clearly communicated to me their concern, anger, and determination.

“We are going to see Dr. Lee right this instant. This has gone on long enough.” Ji-Yong told me in a tight voice.

“Don't bother protesting, you do not get a vote.” Seung-Hyun said holding my coat up to help me into it.

“I was planning on going tomorrow, so what does it matter if I go a bit sooner?” I mused, knowing by their looks and tone that nothing would change their minds so it was absolutely pointless to try.

I put the coat on and walked out the door, as my husbands looked at each other in confusion, having expected a fight from me.

I walked to the elevator, pressed the call button and waited for my guys to join me. They came, hurriedly pulling on their coats and shoes, I hid a laughing smirk behind my hand.

“I brought a bowl in case you need to hurl in the van.” Seung-Hyun said, “And Ji will be sitting up front in case of the same thing.”

Ji looked at me abashedly. “I am sorry I can't help you, Little One.”

“It is fine, my Heart. I take it Dr. Lee knows we are coming?”

“Yup. When you took off like a bat out of hell for the bathroom, we called in to let him know we were coming in.”

I sighed and the elevator arrive and we all piled in. Ji and Seung-Hyun took their places on either side of me. I allowed myself to leaned against Ji-Yong and just as I had planned, Seung-Hyun shifted over to place an arm around the both of us. I let my eyes drift close and welcomed the sleep that came soon after.

********************

We had been ushered right into Dr. Lee's office, where I was now sitting on the examine table while my guys were sitting in the chairs waiting for Dr. Lee. It seemed that he had been called to check an urgent patient right after he got our call. The nurse assured us when she showed us in that he was on his way up and it should only be a moment. True to her word, Dr. Lee entered not but 2 minutes after we were settled. He breezed in smiling.

“So, I hear that Sinhae has been sharing the flu but making sure to keep plenty for herself?”

I smiled vaguely. “Well, I am vomiting a lot.”

Seung-Hyun told Dr. Lee the history of my illness in detail while I tried not to sigh and roll my eyes. He was being rather dramatic about it, if you asked me.

Dr. Lee examined me asked me routine questions. He then told us he was going to draw blood for some testing, to rule some things out, and possibly figure out what it was that was causing me to be miserable.

He moved over to get the syringe, a tourniquet, and the vials for the blood, before coming to sit next to me. He was making small talk with Ji-Yong-a and Seung-Hyun-a while he drew the blood. I bit my lip, knowing that I had to tell him to test for pregnancy as well, but still not wanting to raise my husbands' hopes.

Dr. Lee was filling the last vial when I leaned closer to him and said softly, “You might want to do a pregnancy test as well.”

He had been listening to Ji-Yong-a tell a story and looked up at me when I spoke. “What my dear? I didn't hear that.” He smiled brightly at me waiting for my response...the problem was that now my spouses were waiting as well.

I sighed biting my bottom lip so hard I tasted the metallic tang of blood.

“What is wrong, Little One? We know that look.” Ji asked as he stood up from his chair.

“You need to do a pregnancy test too.” I whispered so quietly I doubted that anyone could hear it...but I failed to take into account that one of the games that BIGBANG plays with each other is to say something without actually using their voice and have the others lip read and tell them what they think they said. I also failed to take into account the fact that apparently, Dr. Lee had really good hearing.

“A pregnancy test?!?!” All three exclaimed together.

“Yes.” I confirmed, as Dr. Lee sprung into motion, grabbing another vial and filling it quickly. Once it was filled he hastily pulled the needle out, had me hold a cotton ball on it and exited the silent room.

“Is there a chance you are really pregnant?” Ji finally asked, sounding shell shocked.

“I don't know.” I told him truthfully.

“I—you--Seung--oh ...” With that his knees gave out and he fell to the floor breathing heavily, as if he had run a race. He looked up at Seung-Hyun with confusion in his eyes. “I—Sinhae—we--baby--Hyunie--oh god---baby?” He was hyperventilating.

Seung-Hyun reached down to try and calm him down, when it suddenly became obvious it was too late. I sat in disbelief as my husband fainted dead away at the feet of my other husband.

Overall, I think that telling them I might be pregnant was going really well...sigh...

A/N:  My hands/wrists are still not nearly fully healed, but my PT said I can use the index finger on my left hand to type. It takes FOREVER but I had most of this written before the surgery. It orginally was supposed to be longer but since that was not an option right now, I changed a bit to make an ending point and post it as my gift to you all. :) 

May the coming year find you all happy and healthy!

~Cheers!

Maddie Fossett