Bittersweet Chocolate
 

Author: TofuCow
Reviewer: secretseven

[Author Deactivated]

Dear TofuCow,

Hello. I know we've talked right about the time you submitted your story for review. Do you remember? I won't blame you if you don't because a lot of time has passed. What I'm trying to say is I'm sorry you had to wait so long. In a long winding way. Because I'm really sorry. But do know that I've read your fic the day you submitted it and a number of times more today, so I can give you something useful. Let's start off with the usual gushing about the good stuff. You have an amazing command on English. Somehow, my past two reviews have been a painful reminder to me how unfit I am on commenting about English and grammar. This shop seems to attract good writers and I get more than a little stressed with good English. What do I give you but my opinions? I wish I could give you more than subjective comments. But do take this as a compliment, you have forced me into a corner where you have to deal with seven's opinion. That actually means a lot, since I actually avoid subjectivity at all costs. You have cornered me and you have won. So enough of this rambling. Here's what I thought about your story.

Let's use Chang's rubric for some direction, shall we?

Plot

I think the plot is realistic. It's hard for me to say but it's a little too much for me. If I am allowed to say, it's too feminine. I'm sorry if that sounded ist. But there is too much fluff, it's hard to digest. I would say that romance is always in the danger of being to sweet. I would recomment that you balance it with a little roughness or tone down a little on the sweet things.

Maybe you wanted to achieve balance through Donghae's death but I believe that death has actually an immortalizing element. It's actually adds to the sweetness. If that makes sense. Hopefully, it does.

I would suggest adding a bit of anger or bitterness from Eunhyuk as he sits in the beginnig. Perhaps resenting the lovers that are still together, alive?

Suggestion:

The February wind chilled Eunhae to the bone and he gives a grudging shiver. He cursed under his breath at the cold that has been inside him since... since some years ago. The same day as today. He furrowed his brow at the sight of lovers sharing an umbrella, sharing warmth. Warmth that he had lost. He saw a couple kissing and he whispers, bitterly "Shameless." He was getting more and more bitter, so he tosses a chocolate in his mouth...

I know you're going for something more melancholic, so this might not something you would consider. If you want to stay more faithful and straight forward with tragedy, I would suggest toning down the fluff. I know that this might just be me and I am sorry if I'm not helping but I believe that a little roughness gives the fluff more impact. It would give your story so much more dimension and that's what we usually want, don't we?

Language and Style

You have a good command on English, like I've said earlier. Now I will have to nitpick on your stylistic choices of words.

Example:
Eunhyuk remembered how a brilliant pink [you can't feel color, you can't remember the coloring of the cheek unless Dong hae was the narrator. With this I would suggest you change it to "how warmth crawled up his neck or cheek"] had climbed its way up his frozen cheeks, warming him much more than the jacket had.

I did not like the editorial comments that you inserted here and there.

Example:
The two of them occupied themselves by playing StarCraft and wrestling, which resulted in Eunhyuk being caught in a rather compromising position (not that he disliked it, mind you).

I don't know if it's only a matter of preference but it's distracting. You could have just incorporated it in your narrative.

I think you also wanted to add a lot of drama with certain word choices that made the story feel a little too much. Eternal repose. Supernatural Being. These can be simplified and somehow I think the simple terms would have more impact.

Donghae was dead. Somehow I feel like you kept softening things. That's why I think this became a little too much.

Originality and entertainment:

Death fics are nothing new. But I wouldn't hold it against you, but unfortunately you didn't bring anything new to the story. Even the confession, the situation was cliche. Please don't think I have anything against cliches. I think that you could have done so much for this. Made it more real. I think the problem with your fic is it's too flat and dealing with a just two emotions that could have been tackled more as a complex juggle of emotions.

The loss of a loved one is not just sad. It's a mixture of emotions. Anger, frustration. Your story just felt too sweet and a little deflated. In tackling writing, I would suggest putting yourself in your character's shoes. It's not nice but imagine your lover dying. Doesn't it stir more than sadness? Perhaps desperation? Frustration? We should always strive for dimensions. If you ever write something dealing with emotions, if it's feeling flat... like if it's just happy, rethink again. It's never really just one feeling. Happiness is always accompanied with hopefulness... even perhaps a bit of insecurity. How you make it more realistic, more relatable is up to your understanding of human emotions and that's what makes your writing unique. I hope somehow I've helped.

Flow:

I don't think you have any problems with transitions. It actually flowed smoothly. If anything, just the editorial comments disturbed the flow.

Characters:

Your characters are a bit problematic. They're two-dimensional. They have no depth except for being two people in love. I know it's challenging to give depth to your characters in a one shot but it's not impossible. For one thing, you can develop their emotional response. For another, you can give them a bit of flaw. How about playing on Donghae's cluelessness more?

Presentation:

No comment.

Title:

It's a bit cliche. It's a metaphor and it encompasses the intention of your fic, so kudos to that but I think you could have worked it more. Like Aftertaste or something more with mystique? But otherwise, I think it's okay.

End Comments: I think you're road to becoming a really good writer is a short one. I really do think that you write very well, now you must think of giving more thought in story telling. I hope I have helped in giving you some direction.

Thank you for submitting your story to Changtastic!

Happy writing!

Letter Grade: C-

Yours,
secretseven

Peanut Gallery Invades! (Changdictator): As usual, I'm horridly amiss of any opinions but I find the advice sevvy dished out to be true and helpful. I enjoyed reading this one-shot (or so I remember); though I really, really agree with sevvy about involving a more complicated web of emotions because... umm. Sweetness isn't really just sweetness, and sadness is never really from sadness. Anyway. I think you're a great writer! :3