Before the Dawn

Author: Myungdubu
Reviewer: secretseven

 [Story Removed]
 

Dear Myungdubu,

Hello. First off, let me tell you how much I enjoyed reading your fiction and over all I think it's a big success. But before we discuss the fic itself, I would like to make some comments outside it that had influenced my reading of your fiction and it's all found in your Foreword. The Gore Warning tipped me off and I think the story lost a lot of its impact because of it. The transition of your tone from a somber, almost lethargic to the frenzied, crazed one is the highlight of your story. You carried the flow so well and it would have been a big surprise if not for the warning and the tag. My first encounter with your story I was alert and waiting for the dam to break any moment. The hit was expected. The force blunted. Now, I know that this is a minor thing and maybe the warning was necessary and is expected of an author, still it did have a factor on the experience.

The next one is your mentioning of Edgar Allan Poe and I applaud your courage to summon a name so great in the Gothic Literature scene and as a really huge fan of Poe, I had reservations, an almost-there prejudice and to be honest I spent more than a few moments making a list on how Poe and your style is different (which I wont be bothering you with, fortunately. :D) and I had to beat myself down and pry my head into open-mindedness which took about five readings of your fic before I could truly let it go. This leads to my commentary on the issue, this fiction is within the literary genre of the Gothic. I don't think it was necessary of you to confine yourself to the comparison of Poe. Mostly, I think it would be unfair to you, as well as the unnecessary call to comparison (which I hope wasn't your intention), I believe if Poe's head (lol on the gothic implication of this statement) wasn't hanging throughout my experience reading your fic, it would have been so different and you have to admit that I have to dock points on originality since you did say that the fic resembled Poe's work in the ending.

Last on the outside-the-fic commentary is the disclaimer: "The story can be read either from Myunso's or Syungyeol's POV." Yet, another reference to the ambiguous "I" of Edgar Allan Poe. Now, I don't really know what to say about this. I think your fic exist outside the realm of FanFiction if you pursue the ambiguous "I" characterization. As for the necessity of giving the Character element a grade, I feel the need to grade you within the realm of fanfictionist which gives ambiguity a-not-so-fair evaluation and as much as I would love to get to know Mungsoo and Sungyeol and make the assessment if they would fit this "I" character, that would be too much work and really, I don't think you would care very much about my psychological fitting of your character, so shall we move on? Oh, wait as for my suggestion, I would encourage you on posting this on fictionpress.com where this fic can be read outside the limiting boundaries of fanfiction. I think it would do well and you'd get more commentaries about the "I" ambiguities and how well it works for this genre. Expand your readership, basically I think this was less of a fanfiction but an original work inspired by a song... so yeah, get more people to read this. Expand your horizon, yes? No? Either way, good luck! :D

Into the fray, we leap!

Let's get the ball rolling, shall we? Well, I wont dwell on the positives (maybe I should?) since I know you have heard a lot already and my experience in Peer Editing, it was harder to find someone who would sit down and tell you how certain things doesn't work than a person who would openly gush upon your writing. But just so it's out of the way, this was obviously beautifully written with beautiful words and the scene was beautiful. :D Seven really enjoyed the overly descriptive text about mundane things. It was such a good call to empathy, to experience the cold together with "I," it was never short of beautiful and you had me at "melting snow on heated skin." You have an amazing descriptive prowess and it is simply awe inspiring. :D

Now, I don't know how in-depth you want me to go with this... because I'm itching to go philosophical on this one :D, but I'm going to curb that want just because I think Chim-reviewer-nim would beat me with her Master-Reviewer-stick for going beyond the point of reviewing. Shall we go with her rubric even if I don't have to. Seven needs a lot of direction less she gets lost with all the philosophical non-sense that fills her head. I know I'm breaking rules of category and may be I will be persecuted and burned at the stake for doing an evaluation within a review but I need structure just to keep myself in check. I am sorry Chim-nim, please fire me if I'm not doing my job right!!!!



Plot 23/25 Is the plot captivating? Is it realistic? Is there a (if necessary)? Does the plot work well with the characters chosen?

Captivating. Check. Realistic. Check. . Check. Character fitting. Arguable.

I think there is nothing to be said about the plot. It was written in media res and it works absolutely well. The narrative captivating, invitive. The story is told chronologically linear but with an immersive half-formed flashbacks that are realistic and faithful to the flow of thoughts. Were you going for the stream of consciousness type of narrative? You are, aren't you? This was such a success. I shall now move on....

Language & style 15/20 Are there basic grammatical mistakes/typos? Do the mistakes distract from the overall story? Is the writing style mature and distinctive? If narrating, does the narration feel natural? Does your diction contribute to the story? Does the story attempt to involve more advanced literary devices?

As far as I'm concerned, there are no grammatical mistakes worth mentioning. But I do have some commentaries on your stylistic choices in word choice and sentence structures.

To be completely honest, the story, in my opinion is outdated. Now, literature has been argued to exist on its own time and no style can be really called out-of-style (which is ludicrous, IMO.) This is clearly written in what I would call "elitistic" (not a word I know) English would big words such as Cacophony, morose and... Uhh... I should have made a list. There is, of course nothing wrong with this and these words do work well in the gothic genre but I do wonder of how applicable this is to the contemporary world. This story seemed to exist in a romantic era where snow is described as a "glistening precipitate." Does it feel natural? Yes but out of its time. I don't know if I'm going too far with this review but I can't really help myself... just to indulge myself, if you do want to get published and you wanted to write in this genre, the market for modern gothic (and the existence of it is often questioned) is very small. IMO, because it has living, breathing testaments of perfect gothic work left to exist in our time. The modern market wants contemporary horror with just the minor peppering in of gothic elements and the big words (though may be purely stylistic preference) is hard not to come off as pretentious. I am not saying anything is wrong with this. Just the impression it displays is a bit selective and that's fine but in the perspective of getting published with this kind of voice is highly challenging.

There are also places when the "I" sounded feminine. I don't know if that was what you were going for, if it implies gender neutrality or an allusion to homouality or an author slip up. But it is there. Because of the "I"  ambiguity it worked well for me, it added a layer of intrigue, if that was what you were going for I applaud you. If not I would be more careful of your word choice.

A smile graces my lips.

This one, I think, is a very feminine description. I have yet to find a narrative voice of a man regarding himself as graceful. Of course, this could be just me being limited with my experience in literature but still it made an impression on me so I think it's still worth mentioning.

I am dwelling a little on your opening paragraph. Possibly because I've read it much more than any part of your fic. Again, it is very captivating but I do have a little problem with your word choice and sentence structure.

My heart thuds, booming in my ears.

This is a logical description. Though it might be just me but I've always read "thud" as a dull sound on the other hand, I've always read "boom" as well something that goes "boom." For me, the two doesn't really coordinate. And "booming in my ears" refers to the pulse, not the heart. I'm not exactly sure if the structuring of the sentence is wrong or have I read this line too many times that it has started to sound wrong. That's not very constructive, is it? But maybe you can ponder it out and decide for yourself? :D

You have very long sentences. I would suggest you try short, terse sentences. They do add tension. Your long sentences are appropriate in the melancholic lines but in the frenzied phase the character seemed to dwell on descriptions, it doesn't sound unnatural but it could get more realistic. Again, this is stylistic choice so it's all up to you.

Originality & entertainment 15/20 Is the story fun to read? Is it exciting or predictable? Is the dialogue interesting? Is the concept overused? Does the writer take a fresh perspective on an cliched plot, or is the writer merely reformatting an overused storyline?

This would be original in the context of fanfiction but within the gothic literature I can't say it is anything new. You may have tackled this as a writing exercise that needed no ordinal concept just taking another story and voicing it as your own.

Fun. Check.

Predictable. (Unfortunately, because of the warning and the tag. If I had read this without the warning, it would have completely blown me away.)

The narrative was exceptional.
 
Presentation 10/10 Is the font/formatting easy to read? Is the story cluttered? Is the background/poster distracting?

No comment.

Flow 10/10 Do the chapters flow into one another? Is the story paced well? Does the story feel disconnected?

The flow was believable.

Characters 9/10 Are the characters realistic and relatable? Do they grow or are they static? Do they ever act out of character? Are the relationships profound? Are the characters original and interesting? Do they evoke emotions? Are they relatable?

I've always had an empathic connection with mad men. "I" is very relatable and realistic. In a sense, "I" gives a rationale to irrationality.

Title/5 Are the story and chapter titles interesting? Are they relevant to the content? Do they reflect the mood of the story? Is it original?
I love the title. It's just very ironic and twisted. It tickled my fancy. Five out of five.


Ending Remarks: My first encounter with your story, I felt very ant-like. You are right. This is very Poe-esque, in a sense, it made me feel... as Poe would have it-- experiencing "the sublime."  I would have never had the courage to nit pick on your work, if not for the call for a review. I hope I have helped in your growth as a writer. If you do have any questions or you need any elaboration about any issue raised or you would like to discuss anything about the review please don't hesitate to ask.

I know this could have been more exhaustive and you might want a detailed insight on a specific issue, do tell me if there is any... I'm very much willing to look into it.

With that, I take my leave. This had been a great experience for me.

LETTER MARK: B+ (87)

Yours,
Seven