Secret Angel

Author: blowmekiss
Reviewer: secretseven

Story Link
 

Dear blowmekiss,

Hello. I have always have a hard time finding where to start, so let me start by saying it. I think I need to tell you about how I approach reviewing, just so it's out of the way. Though I do have experience in peer reviewing, I can never have enough confidence in pointing out what feels wrong to me. Writing for me is intuitive, style is subjective, expression requires a certain degree of stylistic freedom. So whatever may feel wrong to me, I would almost always dismiss as my own lack of experience in writing and experiencing literature. This is in no way to discredit me (though I think it does,) but mostly my reviews are subjective to me and what I want most from those who I review is their own critical thinking; and an active decision if they want to take my advice or not. If anything bothers you with my review please feel free to discuss it with me.

Let me start off by saying that I have read the review you have received from Forgotten Romance and though you have opted to change your title, you have yet to change the grammatical errors that has been pointed out in the review. I am not at all a Grammar Nazi and I have struggled and still struggling with tense agreement but I think once an error is pointed out, as a writer who takes writing seriously, these errors should be addressed and noted for future improvement, yes? Like I've said writing is instinctual, in a more conscious level it is habit forming. You need to break these habits of error. I suggest you address the issue of verb agreement as was pointed out to you. But in your defense to the commentaries on your tenses, you can always choose a tense of your preference. I think in this fic though, past tense works better. Just work out the kinks and this would look so much better. Let me use the rubric to guide me a long the way to your review. (Uhhh, so.... I combined plot and flow which I think should be considered together.)

Plot and Flow 25/35

(Random thoughts that I felt compelled to write) To be honest, I'm really not into song fics. Though I have used songs as plot devices but this one the plot is actually based on song lyrics. An elaboration of lines. I think this was a successful attempt to form a story through a song context. I am not well versed in SuJu, so mind my ignorance. If I had more time, I would like to discuss where you got these lines, because I've read the lyrics of Love is Sweet and these lines you chose were not there. (enter confusion here) Do you think it was necessary to cut your story line with these quotations of song lyrics? Do you think you need them to give your story the tone? Would your story exist out of this song? What are these questions for? In my opinion, the lyrics actually fragments and limits your story. I guess limitations are good for one shots because it keeps the story within bounds. I don't know. It just feels too controlled for me. But that may be what you're going for... (let's proceed, shall we?)


Plot is based on how you structure the events in the story and there is structure in your story but I must say the changing scenes makes it awkward. And you mixed the chronology of events. We see the female in pain -> Kyuhyun wakes up (girl dead, I presume) -> female in surgery -> Kyuhyun singing. It is a logical way of presentation, but it jars the flow. First time I read it, I got mildly confused at the girl being referred to a "he" then I realized that we were talking about another person. I've always thought that presentation of stories should follow how we tell stories orally. Imagine somebody telling you a story about this girl, after a pause without introduction or warning this somebody goes and talk about someone else and you do figure it out after a while but does it cut the flow of thought? Yes. Would it still make sense? Yes. But, unfortunately it gives the effect of somebody who rambles and it breaks effect, your reader experience a disconnection and finds that lack of fluid transition a bit like being left behind. Your reader does figure it out but you're going against the natural flow of events, this can be a stylistic choice but it works against the reader. POV shift do work but do think about transitions.

(Suggestions to consider.)

Rather than relying on a page break, which intuitively readers take in a scene shift not POV shift (which your story does, POV isn't just about the voice of the narrative but the subject of the narrative,) introduce with transitions before proceeding.  

"[Far from her, in place and in time, he feels like] every single movement he made was about to shatter his body into bits; it ached his bones, pierced his muscles and was indescribable, but could never compare to the pain the old man felt by his bedside."
 

Or work out linearity. Depends on your stylistic choice. I do hope this made sense.


The story starts in media res, as most one shots go. Is it realistic? In a sense, yes; but, if you think about certain things it does leave questions. How does the girl protect his dreams? What do we know? (A) Car accident and (B) the girl dies. How does this correlate to saving him? (A.) She was driving and she actually consciously act on saving his life by swerving the driver side into danger to protect him or (B) this feeling of being saved is just brought by a psychological output of the one who survives or (C.) she gave him her heart [most unrealistic scenario, but it can be implied. You can't donate your heart consciously, you have to be brain dead to be a donor and though it is arguable that the soul would still be conscious, your female lead seems to make conscious acts such as crying and glancing....](D.) it doesn't really matter seven, why do you have to think of these things? Well, it may be just me but I really thought about it. Not why did the accident happen which exist outside the story but why does she become a "Secret Angel" which exist within the fic. I'm sorry this was something that bothered me in terms of realism. It is realistic though in a sense, if I don't dwell into details. /tries to walk away from the issue.

I'm not going to pretend I know Kyuhyun and if his character worked well with this storyline. Like I've said, I'm limited on this part so... I guess, I'm sorry.

Strongest point of the plot, in my opinion, is the feeling of the ending. The denouement is satisfying. The conflict was introduced and wrapped up neatly in a resolution.

Language & style 11/20

I'm not going to dwell on grammar. Just because we've already discussed the tense problems you have and really, I'm no grammar Nazi. I wish I was at least an active reader for tenses and spelling but I'm not. I write instinctively, more so in reading so I can't really be as much as a grammar critic as I would like to be.

But I have a lot to say in this category about style and word choices. Let's begin with:
 

"The rain crashes[why did you choose this word? I don't know it just feels odd to me. I would go for slash. It just feels strange. Rain crashing. I don't know. I'm just writing while I think. Uhhh possibly because it just evokes a really harsh and uncontrolled thought while your introductory line was so melancholic and tight. Slash is more controlled but still violent. A stylistic call, I guess. I'd leave that to you though.]

mercilessly on the window [I think pane is unnecessary. Watch out you have a habit of being too wordy]panes

outside the emergency unit,[This could have ended here or began with a semicolon] gloomy clouds loomed over the steel grey sky,[m-dash or colon would be more appropriate] an exact enactment of her heart.

A storm was brewing[you should add "inside her". You have, I think a problem with connecting ideas. Because this "storm" can pertain to the storm outside. But why would that be like penetrating bullets if she's on the inside? Are we in time shifts? Or is this a metaphor. You need to make your story clearer.]; it rained down a thousand of penetrating bullets through her [I think frail self is unnecessary, it just makes the structure awkward.] frail self,[semi-colon more appropriate or just cut it with a period] the winds rummages like a cyclone that tore her soul into lifeless[why lifeless? I would omit this. It can be a metaphor for hope but still it's a bit weird.] fragments… Her heart was a ticking time bomb,[period or semi-colon, this is actually a comma splice] the anxiety and suspense all set to kill,[semi-colon or period] but it never seems to ignite[inappropriate word choice, ticking time bombs do not ignite... they explode or detonate.]
 

Last one, because I'm starting to dwell on lines.
 

"Every single movement he made was about to shatter his body [into bits is unnecessary, shatter is an adequate description.]into bits; it ached his bones, pierced his muscles [what did? Following your sentence, the subject is movement. I think what you meant is pain though] and [pain seems to be subject here too.]was indescribable, but could never compare to the pain the old man felt by his bedside."
 

The bolded and centered dialog gives emphasis to the statements. I would like to say those were unnecessary but they do give the scene closure. So I guess, it works. Sort of, they seem awkward though.

Originality & entertainment 11/20


I hate this part. But I guess I have to say it, this story is cliche. Character deaths have long lost it's power. Making it a one shot even weakens the impact of death more. But never be turned away from tackling an overused concept. Always try to own the moment. For this one though, I'm afraid there isn't any fresh perspective in the issue. But don't be discouraged! I think reformatting overused storyline is fine as long as it's more experimental writing than actually presenting your writing identity. But because it is in the rubric, I'll have to grade you...

So, here I make commentaries on how much entertainment value I found in your stories. Again, I feel the need to state the subjectivity of entertainment. I've read the reviews for this fic and found a lot who enjoyed it, now seven's opinion should not in anyway deduct from their credibility.... that said... I found the story lacking emotions. This is purely seven though. I'm a big er for tragedies and this was too light for me. You didn't dwell too much on the pain and went for the transcending of it. It's good but it does lack points in the angst department. Because the story exist in their time I can never question the length of anguish, but it still lacked the anger, the pain, the resentment. I actually questioned the appropriateness of the angst tag. It is there but layered too thinly, IMO. This was more drama than angst and it dwelled too little in emotions which I found... a bit like being short changed. Again, this is my subjective experience. But do ponder it out?
 

Presentation 10/10

No comment.
 

Characters 8/10

Again, no insight on character fitting. I'm really sorry. Enter unprofessional sad face here.

But I give you points on characterization. Your character does evoke existence. I believed he was real. Though it was a lot like just watching him a far and not really knowing him in detail but that's a limitation of short fiction and that shouldn't be held against you. It could have gone more in depth in presentation though. Be more descriptive, it seemed a little general. Who is this Kyuhyun except for a man who just lost his girlfriend? Can I place anyone else in his shoes and would I expect the same reaction? How is your character special?

These again are just questions for further thought in characterization. Again, I don't put much in it in your grade because short fics are one of the hardest to tackle in terms of character growth.

Title 5/5

I didn't like the title. I'm sorry. Though I liked the allusion to a secret. Makes it more personal. Maybe I just found "Angel" too cliched in romances and to be honest, I'm not very good in title formulation. I just do it randomly. So I'm not a very good judge for this. I just think "Angel" is too cheesy and overused. I would go for something more vague but still personal... like... Uhhh... Secret Smile? His Secret? Their Secret? The one who owns his secret smile? The owner of his secret? Well anyway, I'd still give you five out of five. LOL. I just think it's all subjective, eh?

End Comments: I might have sounded too critical but I wish I helped somehow in your growth as a writer. This was not at all bad and on my first read I thought it didn't really need much improvement so I really did take time to analyze elements and your writing style. If you wish to discuss your story and my review, please don't hesitate to do so. If you wanted to talk about anything in detail, do let me know.

Thank you for letting me experience your writing.

 

Letter Mark: C- (70)

Yours,
Seven

Peanut Gallery (ChangCheree): Hello blowmekiss! I've read your story as well and have similar thoughts (er, questions) as secretseven. I also found the title a rather dull combination of two overused words and strongly agree with seven's comments about your being too wordy in the Language&Style section. Your writing isn't bad; it just need a lot of tidying. (Then again, whose doesn't? Other than seven. She kind of doesn't count.) Speaking generally, the one-shot was quite well-written! I especially liked the ending line of this one-shot and the way it trailed off. Anyway, 70 is a score to be proud of. Hooray~