What A Beautiful Mess This Is

Author: sleepingtodream24

Reviewer: secretseven

Dear sleepingtodream24,

Thank you for submitting a review request to Seventh Haven! I have read up to chapter 6 of your story (the minimum word length that I am committed to) while I write this review. I think because this is a new rule I am implementing, I should spend a bit of time explaining the rationale behind it. I don't really know if I should reiterate, but I studied book publishing and work for a publishing house as first reader and proof reader and other miscellaneous role. I am saying this in the hopes that I legitimize the statement that stories need to start where the action starts. This is a publishing A,B,C. This means the first few thousand words of your story would depict your entire story telling's pace, and most readers like their fictional world turning and spinning at its heels. With the 8,000 word commitment, I am hoping to get a feel for a story, and already have some pointers for improvement at that point. You should know editors/publishers reject manuscripts around the first thousand words because it's really important for writers to know their story--where it starts, where it meanders, and where it stays. I think at around 8,000 words a story is fully swinging, character spinning world, and I have given the story enough leeway to convince me to spend more time with it. This statement, of course, would mean that I have the prerogative of continuing or not, and really this doesn't mean anything other than if the story has hooked me or not. And being a person not involved with a lot of fandom, I am hard to hook with idols... one might even say, I am quite a lousy fanfictionist. What would make stay is a good story and good storytelling, and of course, my very limited free time. I think, however, at 8,000 words, you and your story have made enough of an impression on me that I can tell you some thoughts I have churning in my head.

If you are wondering if I am continuing after chapter 6, I have to be honest and tell you that I am not quite decided yet. I do think it's unfortunate that the story only seems to start moving at this point.

I think it's important to begin this review with what I thought was commendable traits of your story. As you hold 840+ subscribers enthrall, I think it's safe to say that your story is popular and adored by many, and I think that, in itself, is already a success. I also think that you have a good sense of English, and I am not sure if you are an off-the-pants writer or if you are one of those outliners, but your story telling voice is pretty neat and clean. Your descriptions are on point and never messy. There are of course some iffy word choices, but I must say this is by far the cleanest story telling I've read in AFF. There were only very few times I came across rough patches in your writing, and I have to tell you I am quite the princess-and-the-pea kind of reader, so do know that I am very impressed! As you may have noticed, I still use the rubric, as found in the Description of this story so you don't get lost in the tangles of my thought. Hopefully, we find something useful in this head of mine.

Brace yourself this is a really long rambly read! Now, shall we?

Title. (Are the story and chapter titles appropriate? Are they relevant to the content? Do they reflect the mood of the story? Is it original?)

Whenever I get review requests and the requester have reviews under their belt already, sevvy goes review browsing. It jump starts my brain, and lets me have an opinion on things I would, by default ,not have. I actually do not like giving an opinion about titles because I think that's like judging a person by their name. I think it's like going, "What do you mean your name is Jacko? Did your mother not love you or what?" which is rude and inappropriate. I actually think Jacko is a good name, what the heck? But I think having no opinion and not wanting to say your opinion are two different things, and for reviews, it's detrimental if I hold back just to be polite. So I will have to say I am not quite taken by title because of its awkward length. I think one of your reviews said the the length did not hamper the message, which I would, unfortunately disagree:

What [interjection]  A [Article] Beautiful Mess This [Pronoun] Is [Linking Verb]

The main subject of your title is "Beautiful Mess" and I think all the other words are clutter. Generally, titles are kept short and memorable and interjections, articles, pronouns and weak verbs are forgettable. I think your intention is to emphasis your central noun phrase, but I think the effect is awkward. I am still on the hedge if I like Beautiful Mess as it stands alone. I think I understand what you meant to do having two contrasting thought of Beautiful and Mess, but I somehow think the word choice is a little off, because your story has a lighter mood and beautiful is such a serious adjective and mess is so passive and weak... it just feels kind of lofty. Were you inspired by Jason Mraz's song, or did you hash this out yourself? I mentioned in a previous review that one of the worse habit a writer can develop in fanfiction is the publishing of Tentative Title. I have committed this sin all the time, but whenever I am seriously writing in real life, I work under a working title that I change as I get to know my story more. I think your title is, honestly, a working title that basically summarizes the starting premise of your story. I think it can be stronger, and I am not saying this because I think your title isn't clever, only that it feels very melodramatic. This terminology has also the contemporary usage of describing a person (usually female) who is superficially collected but inside suffers mental instability, so yeah, I think it doesn't quite fit your story to a tee, but of course this might be just because I live in a wild world of context. I should at least move on. I think if I want you to take anything away from this is titles are usually short and evokes the tone of your story. Take the luxury of working titles when you can. If your title is long always ask what the central subject is and if you can do away with extra words.

[EDITED: I think your story is more serious than I first thought. I don't think it's actually a RomCom, because the humour is pretty subtle and not in your face (except for the Banana Song which I don't think blended well with the story, IMO) ]

I am going to say that at the end of the day, your title fits if you strongly believe it does. That is to say, do be aware about conventions, but always remember that Jacko is a good name to someone. It's only a matter of deciding if you're story is a Jacko or not. I have no idea why I  can't leave the Jacko-analogy alone.

(SUB CATEGORY) Description

I think you have a strong description. It's short and your ideas transition well. I do have to point out some places I have issues with:

Do Kyungsoo hires a cleaning service for his mess of an apartment. He expects a middle-aged [this seems to be a bland adjective... it works, but somehow, it feels a bit weak. Why does being middle-age important? Is age an imprtant determinant of personality and outward appearance? Just a thought.] cleaning lady,[HERE! COMMA SPLICE!] he gets [also this can't be present tense if his expectation is present. This needs to be future tense chronologically speaking] Kim Jongin instead.

I understand you have two related clauses, but both of them are independent resulting to a glaring comma splice. Have you considered a semi-colon? They are pretentious little winky shizz, but they are grammatically correct. If you split them into independent bars like:

Do Kyungsoo hires a cleaning service for his mess of an apartment.

He expects a middle-aged [This still bothers me. Maternal? Motherly?] cleaning lady.

He will get Kim Jongin. [I changed the tense, so the idea is progressive. It flows better, I think. I also took out instead, now it sounds more abrupt and irreversible. Of course, this is only to me taste.]

I didn't have an issue with your tense choice but now I am thinking if we want it more progressive, shouldn't it be progressing from the past? Consider:

Do Kyungsoo hired a cleaning service for his mess of an apartment.

He expected a maternal figure [ack! This doesn't solve anything, does it?], a middle aged cleaning lady.

He gets Kim Jongin instead. [Putting back the instead, just because I am fickle like that. I still like it without 'instead'. But I think it's a matter of preference, and it works either way.]

As summation, I think what I want you to take away from this description subhead is that you may want to review how you use your tenses. You have a relatively clean use of grammar. I think the problem is, however, you don't play with it or you don't consider it's effect. Your immediate concern is consistency, and as far as I have noticed, you have done a good job at that. The problem is tense shifting isn't necessarily wrong all the time. You should pay attention to the flow of events, so you know when the tenses should should change. I think this challenge is easily overcome by editing or getting a proof reader. I, for one, tense shift like a person with mania (oh wait, I do have that. LOL). I understand we are talking about fanfiction here, and I do understand fanfictionists seldom proofread or get beta-readers. I am just pointing these options out if you want to improve. Your discretion, and all that jazz.

Presentation Is the font/formatting easy to read? Is the story cluttered? Is the background/poster distracting?

I am going to bump this category up for the sake of doing away with the simpler things in life. LOL. I do not have much to say about your choice of presentation. I do agree with one of your reviewers who was bothered by the lack of capitalization in your poster because unless you are trying to pull off an e.e. s on me, then it's just... ummm wrong, and because you lack this stylistic decision in your prose, it's not a congruent message. The background didn't bother me, though I am not a fan. I am not really a fan of graphics outside covers. I should have said no comment, but hey, whoops, brain barf.

Plot Is the plot captivating? Is it realistic? Is there a (if necessary)? Does the plot work well with the characters chosen? Is the pacing acceptable? Is it confusing? Does the story feel disconnected?

Okay, so this is the part I think you need to really put some work on. As I've said, I read some of your earlier reviews, so even if I did stop at chapter 5, I have some idea of where you want to go with this. The problem, of course, is that at chapter 5, and more 8,000 words in you still haven't introduced the conflict. At chapter 2 in your A/N you commented that it's boring. At chapter 3, you call it utter crap and slow burning. At chapter 4, you say it's too long. While I don't agree with utter crap comment (because nothing is utter crap if it's important to you), it is a very slow to develop story. Having read the other reviews, I do know that what looms ahead is a conflict of Kyung Soo dealing with scars of his past and falling in love. I understand you held off the revelation of the conflict, and that maybe a stylistic choice, but without at least the hint of conflict or internal motivation for your characters, your story loses a lot the rising action.

Think of plot as a hill, and your story is convincing me to climb that hill. Consequently, you need to give me motivation. This is of course the exposition. At five chapters I am still at the foot of the hill! What do I know?

1) Kyung soo is a slob

2) Kyung soo is a workaholic

3) Kyung soo needs to hire a maid

4) Jongin is a maid, except not a maid because maids are women... so... he's the gender neautral cleaning staff

5) Jongin is hot

6) Kyungsoo is interested in Jongin

7) Jongin looks like he's interested in Kyung soo as well

End of Chapter 5.

Do you see what I mean? There isn't much content to motivate me to read on because there is a lack of intrigue. Without the driving factor, the conflict that would make me climb up the hill of your plotline, there is no motivation except if you're a KaiSoo shipper (did I get the shipping name right?) and you are invested with the pairing. As a non-KaiSoo, I have no motivation to continue. Now, you may ask, but sevvy, how do I motivate non-KaiSoo? (I know you might not care much for people outside your fandom, but this is pretty basic storytelling rationale.) You need to make your readers care, and this is done by introducing internal or external conflict. I am sure you have at least some background in conflict because your story does have one. My argument in this review, however, is that you need to introduce your conflict early in your story because conflict drives action and consequently motivates readers to continue. Most stories introduce the central conflict as soon as possible (even the Bible!), and an ideal multi-chaptered story would have minor conflicts per chapter. Your story unfortunately doesn't.

The attraction between your characters is NOT conflict unless you hinder them from happening. I am not saying you should crack the egg and spill the conflict yoke right at the beginning, but hint at it by dropping lines like "Kyungsoo's only concern is his work. His life is as messy as his apartment floor." It needs not be on the nose.

I wish I can explain this more, but if you want their attraction to be compelling you need to tell me why I should care. Develop your characters by fleshing out their internal conflicts. Charge your narrative with tension by hinting at your central conflict.

I know you seem to be hinting at Kyung Soo's attraction to Jongin as a source of conflict, but because you don't explain why having a a Greek god cleaning his toilet is a stressful event, it doesn't make much sense. I know this might make me sound really dense, but you need to be explicit in your scenes because storytelling is in the details. I would strongly, strongly suggest you use Kyung Soo's messiness as a metaphor to his mental/emotional state early on. I really want to explain myself more, so you get what I mean, but I think beyond this would be nagging.

Let me know if you need more explanation.

Language & style Are there basic grammatical mistakes/typos? Do the mistakes distract from the overall story? Is the writing style mature and distinctive? If narrating, does the narration feel natural? Does the diction contribute to the story? Does the story attempt to involve more advanced literary devices?

I do not have anything to say about grammar because I think you have quite a good handle of it. At least, much better than mine. I think, however, as I have touched early on, your story is told very cleanly to the point that it feels like you are afraid of grammatical mistakes, and you no longer explore literary liberties. Your tenses are parallel throughout like how it is recommended in "correct writing" but you neglect the sequence of action as I have mentioned in the description section. While there is nothing grammatically wrong in your storytelling and I do believe you have a knack at word use, your sentence structure do not vary, and your sense of humour is clouded by your self-consciousness.

Example:

How you tell your story:

• Kyungsoo groans when after [mind your sequence of events he saw the time first before he groaned] he glances [glanced] at his bedside table and sees [saw] the clock, [okay this is either clock's or with its. You need to connect your thoughts] offensive red light blinking 8:09. [This is an extremely long, lethargic sentence for somebody who is panicked. Short, terse sentences creates tension.]
• , not again. He hops [iffy word choice. Hop suggests fluidity in motion, but he just woke up and he's being fussy. I think a more appropriate word choice would be scrambled] out of bed and runs directly to the bathroom, stripping along the way and chooses to leave his clothes strewn across the wood floor. [Another long sentence when he is rushing. Imagine your sentence as movements. If your actions are quick and rushed, you need your sentences short to portray urgency.] Running late for the third time in a row is more of a concern than his mess of an apartment, because his boss had vowed to cut his balls off if he did. [Show, don't tell] It’s Mr. Lee’s easy-going, refined manner at work that lends a significant amount of weight to threats like this and [Don't explain your jokes] Kyungsoo rather wanted to keep his manhood intact.

HOW TO I WOULD WRITE YOUR STORY (Please note I am not saying this is better writing. This is using some narrative technique that I hope will be useful to you.)

Kyungsoo groans at his bedside clock. Its face lit up with angry red lines that tell him YOU ARE LATE, LATE, LATE! Kyung soo rubs his face harshly and pushes himself out of bed, half-crying, half-grunting ", , ! Not again!"

He kicks his sheets aside and scrambles to his feet, tripping on his offended blanket on the floor and almost falling on his face, which would be bad because his floor was no place for a man's face--littered with crusty old socks, and what was that? A half-eaten pizza?! Having averted the disgusting disaster, he starts to strip off his clothes as he heads for his closet. Kyung soo maybe a slob, but he is goddamn efficient. It takes him no more than 5 minutes to be in his--somewhat-- clean office clothes and in another 5 minutes, he is out of his apartment and bounding to his company building. He needs to not be late! Mr. Lee said at strike three Kyung soo's balls come off. Kyung soo is at strike two. He runs. He is rather attached with his balls.

In that wild dash for his car, Kyungsoo's head is as messy as his apartment, his thoughts awhirl with concerns on top of balls-preservation. He needs to move, move, move. His thoughts scattered with what he needs to do--work, work, work.

Shorter sentences create a quick turnover of action, creates a sense of urgency. This is a writing technique often seen in fight scenes, but it's great for general rushed activities. Longer sentences draws out emotions which are good for comedic tangents or introspection. You can use this to create effect in your story telling.

I also notice that your narrative distance is very far, meaning you don't focus on smaller details like in your introductory paragraph lacks smaller actions like disgruntled rubbing of his face, but I do think smaller details give your story more personality.

Flushing the details will also make your story more real. What is Kyung soo's job? What company is he working for? I know he is involved in acquisition and it might just be me who is a noob in company structures, but to make this real to me, you need to tell me these details. You can call it Company A but what is the company's industry? What are they doing? By giving this details you make Kyung soo's job relevant to the reader. It's like naming a pet... you only make them yours when you give it a name.

On the flipside, I really liked this use of parenthetical information and your transition use of italics to flow to thoughts:

As he lies there, eyes getting heavy [this is telling, not showing. It would be so much better if you show it with something like: His eyes begin to droop, or flutter, or you can use metaphors, like his eyelids feels like tent flaps weighted with heavy rains(or something better!)] with sleep (he’s decided long ago that sleep always trumps showering), he thinks yeah, option three sounds about right.

I have some issues with your word use of migraine because Kyung soo seems to be just dealing with a headache because migraines are more genetic and debilitating. I have a migraine and when I am in the pain stage I vomit and lose my eyesight. It's not a dull throb that a person can ignore. It's a physiological reocurring disfunction. You have to have two to three these symptoms to qualify to have a migraine.

• Five or more attacks—for migraine with aura, two attacks are sufficient for diagnosis.
• Four hours to three days in duration
• Two or more of the following:
  • Unilateral (affecting half the head);
  • Pulsating;
  • "Moderate or severe pain intensity";
  • "Aggravation by or causing avoidance of routine physical activity"
• One or more of the following:
  • Nausea and/or vomiting;
  • Sensitivity to both light (photophobia) and sound (phonophobia)

If you really do believe that Kyung soo has a moderate migraine, you have to add more details. Whoops. Am I being a meticulous jerk?

Since I am being a meticulous jerk, I should also point out that this line

“You with someone? Mom? Aunt? Sister?”

is incredibly ist of Kyung soo. Not saying this is wrong as this is a story conveying a character, I am just saying, uhhhh... ist.

In this line where you transition from dialogue to thought I would have liked details:

“But you’re so…"  Kyung soo pauses. At the tip of his tongue, ing hot! But he manages to blurt out, "...young." Kyung soo swallows. He chokes out, "You look really young.”

Again, I am not saying this is better  writing, what I am hoping to achieve is show what additional details can do to your scenes. I should also mention -ly adverbs are usually frowned upon in narrative telling. Your preview has some:

He can smell Jongin's cologne, musky and heady, and Kyungsoo fights the urge to lay his head on his chest to take in more of it. And though he's done, his thumb shamelessly lingers on the curve of his cheek, tracing the smoothness of it. His eyes follow the angle of his jaw, the shape of his chin, to the captivating redness of his lips and God help him because all he wants to do is to lean in and have a taste. He looks up to see Jongin staring, eyes burning into his [cliche].

Using -ly adverbs, according to what my writing prof said, you have no faith in your verbs, and while you can use them, you should do it sparingly and intentionally. So if you see adverbs/adjectives easily flagged by -ly or -y, you should not how you can improve your sentences. When you use -ly verbs, they usually tell you you are telling and not showing. I have also highlighted "eyes burning into his" which is an overused idiomatic expressions, and idioms, if you can avoid them, you definitely should because it kills the originality of your work, and it resembles just another romance story that would use this idiom.

Here is an example of how you can show and not tell:

[TELLING] He can smell Jongin's cologne.

[SHOWING] Kyungsoo could not help but lean in, fighting the urge to close his eyes and take Jongin's scent in. It was a mix of cologne and his Jongin's musk that made Kyung soo's mouth water.

Taking in consideration of the scene,

and Kyungsoo fights the urge to lay his head [doesn't seem natural to think this way when you are wiping someone's face. I mean, in my point of view at least, but maybe this is just me...] on his chest to take in more of it in.

I would actually begin this as:

Kyung soo reached for Jongin's face. His fingers fluttering over Jongin's skin.

I think this situates them more giving the scene a beginning, so your scene doesn't read like Kyungsoo just sniffing Jongin which I think could be read weird. Of course, this is only a matter of preference, and not prescription. Again, in this paragraph, I can say that you have a preference for long sentences, and while these are good for dramatic scenes, having three consecutive sentences of longer lengths make the writing overly dramatic. I do have a preference to shorter sentences because they give tension, and while I am not trying to change your style, but it's important you try out narrative devices (and this includes varying your sentence length) to be a more effective writer.

I am trying to end this section, but I feel like I should mention that you need to take more time describing your setting and your scenes, but I am not sure if your narrative distance is just very far from what I am used to. But yeah, with this narrative distance where I can't experience Kyung Soo's feelings or see the details of scenes and settings, it just feels a bit superficial to me.

Flow Does the writing read smoothly? Does the writer make fair use of transitions? Sentence flow? 

You actually asked about this and I can say that your sentence transitions aren't bad. I think from what I've read, you have a bit of a hiccup in weaving internal thoughts to your narrative,

Kyungsoo groans when he glances at his bedside table and sees the clock, offensive red light blinking 8:09.  , not again.  He hops out of bed and runs directly to the bathroom, stripping along the way and chooses to leave his clothes strewn across the wood floor. Running late for the third time in a row is more of a concern than his mess of an apartment, because his boss had vowed to cut his balls off if he did. It’s Mr. Lee’s easy-going, refined manner at work that lends a significant amount of weight to threats like this and Kyungsoo rather wanted to keep his manhood intact.

The highlighted phrase is your transitional phrase and there is nothing wrong with it, only it doesn't read quite natural in the scene. You have this scene that tells me he is rushing and panicked, but your writing doesn't match the tone. You don't actually need transitional phrases all the time, and connecting two ideas like,

His room was a mess, but he was more concerned about his balls. Mr. Lee said "off with your balls!" the next time Kyung Soo was late, and this would be next time if he didn't channel his inner Road Runner and go meep, motherin', meep.

Don't concern yourself with my bad humour. I am sorry for contaminating your story. My recommendations usually have a bit of my own personal writing style, so please bear with that. But my bad joke aside, I would say if you see transitional phrases that are trying to explain things to your reader, it would read out of place.

For your time skips, you usually just use a line to announce transitions in time, which I don't think is wrong, and use them all the time too (but only here in AFF). Symbols like lines, asterisk, or artsy whatevers that are not words, for time transitions is usually frowned upon in the writing world because it means, you didn't bother writing the transitions. I do this all the time in fanfiction, but I am aware that I am slacking, so I thought I should tell you too. For the sake of awareness. If you are practicing the craft here, I would say that appropriate line breaks should be just a good amount of white space. You also need to announce time transitions with transitional phrases like the next day, when he arrives to work, the next week. You need to situate your scenes both in time and in place which right now, you don't usually bother with.

Characters Are the characters realistic and relatable? Do they have depth? Do they grow or are they static? Do they ever act out of character? Are the relationships profound? Are the characters original and interesting? Do they evoke emotions? Are they relatable?

I don't think it would be fair for me to give any assessment of your characters because at chapter 6, your story is only beginning. So I would instead tell you that your characters need to be more fleshed out sooner, much like my argument with the conflict... because internal conflict lends characters personality too.

That said, I can tell you that at chapter 6, I am not the biggest fan of any of your characters. I don't think Kyung Soo the protagonist is a compelling character as he is, at the moment, only a slob, and a workaholic who has the hots for his cleaning staff. Baek hyun is somewhat funny, but I don't really feel like his interaction with Kyung Soo has developed his character either. Remember to develop a character, your character MUST have a goal, and Baek hyun just seems to be hanging around and adding nothing to the story except for being someone Kyung Soo talks to. I also want to mention (before I forget) the scene when Baek hyun slept over was strange to me, and how they slept in the same bed seems weird. I have no idea if it's just my personality, but I wouldn't sleep with my bestfriend... I don't know I might just have some personal space issues. The whole scene felt unnatural to me, even when Kyung Soo's reaction of being woken up at 3 AM and being relatively chill to taking care of a grown drunk man without even the proper grumbling is just... unnatural. No one wakes up at 3 AM and be so caring. It's biologically impossible. I mean, he can still care, but he needs to be at least grumpy.

Jongin is just hot. This is bad for him as his own character, and bad for Kyung Soo because he finds Kyung Soo irresistable for only his hotness. I think Jongin has a secret depth, but I haven't stumbled upon it in 8,000+ words. I think if you wanted a purely physical attraction, this could have worked, but there are already emotional undercurrent in this. You need to convince me of Jongin's character. He is diligent and kind, but it's still... lacking. I am sorry. I have read in your other reviews that Jongin seems to not have any character development, and I think you need to look at that as well. Is Jongin just the object of Kyung Soo's lust? Love? Then he is flat and needs development. There is also an implication of social standings in this, and you might have tackled it in the future chapters, but it's so frustrating that this is not even mentioned or referred to and Jongin doens't even have the normal complex of being a domestic worker that young people would have.

Also note, your character's behavior aren't natural. As I have mentioned with Baek hyun's sleep over scene, the ordering pizza scene is also glaringly unnatural. The circumstance, of course, can happen, but how come Kyung Soo doesn't panic? He just sits there and wait for the to hit the fan. I know one can be scared stiff, but you have to pull off a lot of writing work to convince me. Describe to me how Kyung Soo felt, like how his whole jaw felt like it was trapped shut, or his head was buzzing like when the TV loses transmission and he can't even utter anything... Your Kyung Soo's behaviour of sitting down and just waiting for the next scene was really strange for me. In a lot of the scenes, your character reads like characters in a story and they just go along with the flow, and that's not how people behave, how good characters are develop. You have to make your characters react as you would, or as your friend with. If an uncomfortable situation is emminent, expect your characters to avoid them. Give your characters agency and personality.

Originality & entertainment Is the story fun to read? Is it exciting or predictable? Is the dialogue interesting? Is the concept overused? Does the writer take a fresh perspective on an cliched plot, or is the writer merely reformatting an overused storyline?

I think the premise of this story is fun and your subscribers seems to be enjoying this ride. I, as non-KaiSoo shipper, would say it was a lukewarm experience. It was okay. I did, please note, read this to criticize which may have toned down my entertainment knob by a few notches. Originality-wise, I think a lot of reviewers have said this wasn't very original, and plotwise, I agree. I think, however, what makes a story original is a writer's voice and focus, and you are still developing both. I do think you have a lot of things going for you. Your English is good, and you don't seem to rush to the good parts (which is good! I do think you need to work on integrating conflict and character development in your narrative).  You have good tools, now, I think what you need most is trying out various uses for these tools until storytelling feels natural to you.

I think the next step for you is simply allowing yourself to not be restrained by grammar, and exploring yor narrative chops. Describe things more, then look into how you can express your details through literary devices. Start with similes and metaphors then work your way up to stylistic narrative techniques (this is a wiki link for narrative techniques. It's a big list! And if you ask me how you can do this more organically. I'd say read more. Subconsciously, if you read more books, you will grow as a writer.). Read more. Don't stop with Fanfiction, and most importantly write more. Try out things you learn.

Good luck!

Thank you for requesting a review from Seventh Haven.

Happy writing.

Yours,

secretseven