Bittersweet

Author: relena09
Reviewer: secretseven

Story Link

Dear relena09,

Hello! To start off, let me thank you for requesting me as your reviewer; I'll try my hardest to not disappoint. Also, let me spend a little time in silent triumph for finally reviewing within my fandom. I am so thrilled to actually know the characters. This is something that makes me stupidly happy, I apologize for the rambling.

Well, my first reading of this, I could already tell that you have a fair command of English. Kudos to that! But it is a known fact that the room for improvement is the biggest room there is so, I'll try to give you some tips where I can find weak points. As my past reviews, I'll use Chang's rubric to give us direction.
Plot 17/25

I believe the plot is realistic. It's nothing new but again I must stress that understanding, as well as, presentation of human emotion varies from one individual to another, so I would never discourage old themes. I think the flow is good. But your story do have some odd moments:

 

(a.) Chaerin asking what the package was (you don't really ask what a package is to the delivery man and why is it a package? Aren't invitations more like letters? And did Dara and Jiyong use a courier for that matter? Don't invitations go through regular mail?)
I would suggest changing this part into a more realistic scenario. It's not a big deal but taking care of the small details helps a lot. Make her go to her mailbox, shuffle through bills, find the odd ivory envelop that looks to hold an elaborate card, make her pause and think if there's an event that would call for a card. Because we are dealing with the mundane, I say layer in all the details of opening the envelop. It's a stylistic call but it adds weight to your narrative in my opinion, because your theme is pretty simple, simple elements made elaborate would blend well.

(b.) The dress fitting. (Is Chaerin a brides maid? If she's a simple guest then this is actually really strange.)


(c.) I found it odd the way you present the break up and wanting to be back together but not doing it. It's just so wishy washy. You could work on that. And their break up felt a little passed over. Like your saying they broke up. That's it. When it should be something like an influx of emotion. It sounded so passive and mutual. I even ask myself if Jiyong was ever really in love with her. As I have said in past review, when writing about emotion think of the situation's complexity. Since your title is complex combination of bitter and sweet why not play on that emotion? Given that Chaerin indulges in a little melancholy, I would layer it with a bit of anger perhaps on Jiyong or on herself.

(d.) Their conversation at the end and how she kissed him felt weird. Shouldn't he have moved away? I know what you are aiming for is a sense of closure for Chaerin and perhaps the kiss would be some sort of ending on her part but I find kissing as a rather bold act for her part, especially to a newly wed man. A kiss on the cheek would be more appropriate and I would say let her linger a bit. Tell me how she feels more during this moment. Make her good bye count. You also mentioned smiling bitterly. This line is contradictory to moving on. I would suggest being surprised by tears. Or a spring of some sort of happiness. I'm not exactly sure but think of agreement and parallels. It is Bittersweet. So it's supposed to be sort of opposite ideas coming together. But smiling bitterly means she's not happy. Your scene and that short editorial comment breaks the whole scene. Try coordinating your thoughts more clearly.

(e.) Why did Chaerin sign the note as Trina?
 

Basically, I think the whole story is believable, there are just some things that you need to be careful with. These are not a big deal and might actually be missed by most, but taking care of the details is a responsibility of an author. So hopefully, in the future, you'll look into these details. Remember, if you're not sure it never hurts to check with someone else.

Language & Style 15/25

I think your decision to go with the first person perspective is a great idea! It's a very natural voice to take especially with these kind of stories that aims to display emotions. If I was to give you a general tip, I would tell you to linger more on the details. Put yourself in your character's shoes, or bed slippers or socks... sorry, I was trying to be clever. Anyway, your story lacked descriptions. It's not wrong or anything. It just lacked an impression.

In some instances, you have some strange word choices and verb agreement problems, but don't we all? Grammar is a and I know how tempting it is to ignore her (I do all the time.) But keeping errors at a minimum should always be our goal.

Example: It's [you have tense problems. It's is a conjunction of it is, present tense. The following sentences are in past tense. Verb agreement is always encouraged. Don't let this bother you too much. Tense can be a really hard.] a beautiful morning. The sun had risen just like the usual day I spend in this secluded condominium [strange sentence. The sun always rise,period. It doesn't matter where she spends her mornings]. I switched on the music player and played [redundant. This could be reworked into something less awkward] my most favorite [redundant. I would suggest taking out most] song... [ellipses unnecessary. Comma would work better] the song which reminded me of the bliss I felt a long time ago [here, it's like you're saying that she had never been happy. It's kind of strange.].

Suggestion: It was a beautiful day. The sun bathed the condominium floor in morning light. I basked in the warmth, as I idly made my way to the kitchen. Waking up has always been routine. It was a mindless gesture, going to my music player [I don't like this, it's so generic! It could easily be a radio or an iPod or a stereo.], played my favorite song. As the music emerged from the speakers, I hum along to the memory of lost happiness and made myself an espresso. The music, the scent of freshly ground coffee, the harsh bitterness of the espresso, all of it were part of routine. Even the invasion of melancholic thoughts that accompanied my mornings, they were usual. Expected. But the ring of the doorbell marked that today would be different. (Given that you reconsider the mailman. I don't really know. I guess in some countries they still hand the mail to the person.)
 
You tend to "tell" instead of "show." I would suggest re-reading your story, pin point some areas that lacks description and thinking not as a spectator but Chaerin herself. Let your readers experience your story. If it helps close your eyes, picture the scene. What do you see? The sun shine? How light penetrates the glass window? What do you smell? What do you feel? The cold hardwood floor?
 
Example: [Here, you receive the card, you rip it open. The coils of the elaborate lettering were screaming at you. It was obviously a wedding invitation. Are you curious? Are you dreading what's inside like some strange premonition. Because your story is simple, you have to give suspense in the simplest of things]The invitation card slid down my hands [why? I know it's common sense, but show me why. Did the numbness in your heart travel to your hands and you begin to lose grip] and fell to floor.

The art of description is hard to master. I would suggest going back to your story and looking at it in a readers perspective. Step into her shoes, what do you see, what do you feel. If it sounds like it could be in bullet form then your probably in need of describing more things.

Another thing, remember limiting your narrator.

Here:

... felt the (article unnecessary) warm tears running down my pale [you can't expect her to know that her cheeks are pale unless she's in front of the mirror, try maybe numb or cold] cheeks.

Be aware of what your character is saying, always ask yourself when you describe things, from where am I describing this? If your narrator is an "I" always think of how to describe things as you would experience it.

On another note you have some awkward wording.

Here:

...he said, sounding hesitant. [could easily be replaced with he sounded hesitant]


The part where she wished them well, you described it as a lie. It's true but... you can make it into a more provocative statement.

Suggestion: Best wishes to both of you...[this sounds awkward. It feels a lot like reading. Take a moment, would you say this? Possibly but Congratulations or Give my regards to Dara would be more natural)" I taste the ashes of the lie linger on my tongue. Of course, I wish them well. Of course, I do. But the hurt inside begrudged them of happiness. A happiness that I am losing if they achieve it. But I pretend. I lied.

I really do think that writing first person is a lot like going into a monolog and indulging in the tumult of your own mind. Do you feel guilty? Write it down. Why? Justify. Defend yourself. Or dig your own hole. Feel your way around your story. Then tell your readers about it like some sort of confession. This is how I do it, it's a stylistic choice so you might disagree... but that's just my pennies worth.


Originality & Entertainment 13/20

Like I've said, it's not an original idea, but that's not bad. I think you could have done much more to it though. I think what you lacked is descriptiveness and care for the small details. I think the best writers can write about the mundane and make it into their own little scene. That said, I think this was quite entertaining. Give it more thought. I would suggest re-reading the whole thing. Take your description of Dara, you only gave her four adjectives. Dwell a little. For practice, fixate on an object or a person, your choice and describe it in detail, in prose form of course.

Example: Dara. You described her as stunning. How? Perhaps her skin stood out? Is it like cream? her eyes? Intense? Doe eyed?

Suggestion: It was my first time seeing the bride and at that moment I knew she was beautiful. (because you are talking in Chaerin's voice, you can make her grudgingly admire her. Think rivalry.) Not only for her skin that glowed under light, or even that easy smile that graced her lips but the genuineness in her spirit. She was nothing like me and perhaps that's what makes it harder to accept. Was I some sort of mistake that he has grown to avoid? But his Dara was warm and I couldn't hate her and her easy smile... [I'm sorry if my suggestions are messy.]

I think what I'm trying to get at, is that slice of life is a very hard genre to tackle and just stating "this is pretty," or "this is stunning" is sadly boring. Make your readers interested. Beautiful? How? Why? Why does it matter? This are the things that make the mundane interesting and entertaining.

Flow 7/10

I think you did well with the flow. If anything, I suggest you dabble a bit on transitions when you make time shifts.

You have two time shifts and you introduced them as "a couple of days passed" and "after a few weeks" then you have this (months after...) There is nothing wrong with them but you could have made it more relevant. What are these days to Chaerin? Were they fast or dragging? Make time contribute to your story. Make it relevant to your reader.

Characters 7/10

I think Chaerin was totally relatable. If anything, she feels a little too much of a victim and  a little flat. She accepts everything too easy and though I do admit to the existence of martyr types, and there isn't anything wrong with playing the victim, it could have been more... appealing (I mean subjectively of course.) Here you decided to use CL and as we know, CL has this certain aura of being "bad" (i.e. The Baddest Female) play on that little detail. Of course, you can say that she's soft on the inside but give her a bit more depth by at least playing the part of being strong. How about taking time in creating her outward image, building the facade then making the mask crumble when she finally gets to speak to him? It's quite rare for a person to admit to being a victim but we do to ourselves. So it's only common sense that she's honest during the narration... but what about the world that exist outside of the self?

Suggestion: I begin to paint my face in lines of war and lies... He had always seen me as strong and strong he shall see me to the end.

Standing in front of him, I feel the mask I had put on my face began to crumble. Tears that well up inside dilute the lies of strength that make up tried to convey. Jiyong, I am broken. Do you see? Do you see?

You could have developed Jiyong more, he seemed strangely passive. I understand the challenge of characterization of other characters in a first person fic, but it can be done. It might be biased but give us more of Jiyong. What kind of boyfriend was he? How did he take the break up? You tended to dwell on Chae too much. Make her hear his accusing tone in their break up in a flash of memory. Or perhaps make Chaerin feel guilty because he had sobbed and was honest enough to show her how she had hurt him. Tell me more about Jiyong? Was he the one who was trying his hardest to maintain their friendship? (I have to admit it's a bit odd to me.) Give me more of him through Chae. Why does she love him in the first place?

You could also try giving more descriptions for Dara. Does she know that they were dating? Is she secure enough to see them off? Get to know your characters. People are quite complex, and I understand the challenge of displaying your characters in a one-shot but it can be done with care and practice.

Their relationship and break up needed more attention. I'm sorry if the advice seems repetitive but mostly that's what I think you need to work on.

Presentation 10/10

No comment.

Title 5/5

I think Bittersweet is rather apt for your selected theme. I didn't like the POV change in the end to be honest. It should be bittersweet to Chaerin first. I think it was a little unfair that it just shifted to Jiyong, I already know he's happy. It's like all bitter for Chae and all sweet to Ji. But that said Bittersweet is a good title for your story.

End Comments: I hope this review helps. I tried my hardest to think of ways you could improve. In summary, I think what you need is attention to detail. But I guess all of us does. If you have any questions, or you want to discuss your story in more detail. You know where to find me!


Letter Grade: C/74

Thank you for submitting your story to Changtastic!

Happy Writing!

Yours,
secretseven