Allegro: Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies

Author: duoxsoleil

Reviewer: secretseven

Dear duoxsoleil,

Thank you for requesting a review for Allegro. I am sorry we had to deal with a lot of the kinks of how you would get your story to me, and thank you for your patience around the process. Hopefully, I can give you something useful for all your effort. I feel like it's necessary to reiterate the purpose of this shop, which is to help you write better, because sometimes the objective of review shops gets obscured with either ego or propriety. I am saying this because I might sound a little mean as we go along reviewing your story, and please believe me when I say that I have no intention to hurt your feelings or to sound in any way that I am better than you. The weaknesses that I point out is for your benefit so you know what you can work on so your readers would have an easier access to the experience your story promises. For the sake of being transparent, I would have to admit that I found your story difficult to read, but this is most probably because I am overly about word choices. I just am. I believe that the best writers would be able to express themselves more effectively than others because they have this secret arsenal of words, and they could just smith meaning and ideas to letters. This is, of course, a high hurdle for ESL writers such as yourself and myself, but because we are on the same boat of ESL writing, I feel the need to be extra... shall we use the word strict(?)... about the matter of word choices. Being an ESL writer, I can tell you that I have the same experience of wanting to write in a foreigner's tongue and wanting the words to roll out easily, naturally, but it goes without saying that English is still secondary to us and that fact will always be a challenge. But I strongly believe, as a writer writing professionally in English, that your determination to make English as the medium to your story can only be interpreted through your dedication to your vocabulary, your diction, and your craft.

I read a few of the reviews Allegro received and they passed over the fact that you are an ESL writer, and they believe that it's already a feat that you wrote a story in English. But I think that's unfair to you, because I would feel that my stories deserved the best expression and having English as my second language should not be held as a handicap. Sure, English may never be natural to me, but I work really hard that my stories are in the best shape I can deliver and that's through evoking a natural that makes sense to me. I guess at the forefront the best tip I can give you is to get more exposure of good stories in English-- that's read stories, watch TV series and movies and listen to lyrical music-- and pay attention to word usage in dialogue and narration. I mostly consumed English in every form of my preferred entertainment, which is probably why my English is at this acceptable level (and by acceptable, I mean, at least, people seem to find their way around what I am trying to say). So yeah, that's something that I think would be helpful to you as well.

I am going to be reviewing just chapter one because I tend to be more in depth and while I could give you tips on your whole story arch, I would really rather focus on your storytelling, which is the craft as they say, because I believe that everyone has stories, but writers, well, we develop the craft. Hopefully, these review will help you gain perspective on your writing and help you along to being a better writer.

I feel like I started this review in such an ominous tone but as I began the read through I can say that you have a very descriptive writing style. I liked that from the onset I can already "feel" what you are expressing. I should discuss this in the Title section, but I think this speaks a lot about your strenght in writing. It's your adept usage of the figurative language. Upon reading your title Allegro it already gave me so much context, so much mystique. The subtitle Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies evokes imagery and the nouns you use are by themselves symbolic.

I am going to discuss this further in the Title section, but I love figurative writing! I believe figurative language is what makes writing beautiful, and poetic, and I was very excited to get to know your story more from this first impression. Let's go through the review sections, shall we?

Title. (Are the story and chapter titles appropriate? Are they relevant to the content? Do they reflect the mood of the story? Is it original?)

As I've mentioned earlier, I am quite charmed by your title. Allegro is a loaded word, b with context. I have a brief background in classical music and that just sets me up with how classical musics makes me feel-- kind of melancholic, kind of subdued. Of course Allegro refers to a fast tempo and is often associated with happiness and liveliness, so on the onset I think this story is going to be a happy one (even if it starts gloomy, one can look forward to the pick up, the Allegro). I also liked the subtitle "Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies", both of your nouns (blood and skies) are very evocative and symbolic. I just think you have a knack with symbolic language, and if I had read this in my feed, I would probably picked it up because I think it's so fresh (at least here in AFF).

I do love your title, but I still think we should have some points to consider. I should say the use of Allegro, a classical music terminology (or ballet, as google has educated me of) tends to speak to a more mature crowd: people who listen to classical music, or are familiar with ballet. I don't think this is a problem, but it is something to consider. If perhaps, you wanted to broaden your audience base, you need to select a language that speaks to everyone. I should repeat that I personally love your title, but I thought I should mention this point for your consideration.

I also am quite in love with your subtitle, but again feel the need to discuss subtitles. What are subtitles? When do we use them, exactly? I think a regular person encounters subtitles in writing college essays where subtitles are additional explanatory text. I remember one of my English papers tagged "Purpose Begets Life: Childe and Athlete Confined in Labels " which is usually my guiding principle towards title:subtitle formulations, which is Title (vague): Subtitle (explains why title is relevant to the topic). Now, I should say this "formula", as I put it, is my own and not in anyway applicable to anyone else. But it should also be noted that I am speaking of non-fiction, and how applicable it is to modern fiction is up to debate. I say "modern" to emphasize the fact that subtitles are actually quite dated, as it is only fashionale in the Elizabethan Era (16th Century) and was actually parodied by Shakespeare in Twelfth Ninth: What You Will which Shakespeare intends to highlight that subtitles can be anything the audience wants, and pointing out that subtitles are pretty much an author not being able to commit to a title. Oh and during this time subtitles are used not to explain the title but as an alternative title. This meant that Twelfth Night is also What You Will and can be found under both titles, and I think from this perspective, then having subtitles are quite wishy-washy in the author's part. It's like giving your child two names because you like them both, but really, second names are pretty much uselessly decorative (and sometimes unwanted at that).

I still think succinct titles are better, and though I really like your title having three nouns in it: Blood, Skies, and Allegro (which can be an adjective or an adverb, but then instinctually a stand alone word would be read as a subject noun), makes it unfocused. The fact that it's also very symbolic and vague makes it kind of obscure. Then you'd have people wondering what it's actually about... and while mystique, I think is quite alluring, you might want to consider toning down the vagueness because anything in excess is bad. At some point, readers would expect clarity, and while suspense is good and welcome, if you hang it for too long, your readers will drift away from your message.

I want to repeat I really liked your title but I think it still reads as Allegro [OR] Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies. And though it pains me to suggest choosing one or the other would make your title more focused. Or adding about or of or some sort of preposition, (e.g. Allegro: About Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies) would connect the independent nouns. But I would really want you to reconsider the use of subtitles as this is a dated style and subtitles should add value to your title, but then the question would lie on why your title is not enough. A ton of articles are written about fiction and when you need a subtitle, meaning one is expected to have a reason why one puts that in. Right now, I think Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies explains nothing and while it gives me these vivid images and symbolism, it doesn't add value to the title because Allegro is a musical terminology that is independent and has no correlation to skies or blood.... and now I am just confused for having talked so much about this.

As summation, I am in love with your title, but it can be tightened if you wanted to. If I were to pick between the two I think Young Blood and Electric Blue Skies is stronger (because it's in English, has vivid use of imagery, and has strong adjectives). That being said, I still think this is a really good title, but it does give a dated feel, and while that isn't bad... it has a danger of being seen as something aspiring for elitism (and somewhat snooty).

Did I tell you I actually like your title? It's one of my favourites I have encountered. But I think you should consider the flaws around your stylistic choices, don't you?

(SUB CATEGORY) Description

Okay, so we finally get to the story, lol. I am sorry, I do tend to ramble a lot about titles. I tend to believe titles are names we give our children and it can never be wrong but "Barnaby Marmaduke Aloysius Benjy Cobweb Dartagnan Egbert Felix Gaspar Humbert Ignatius Jayden Kasper Leroy Maximilian Neddy Obiajulu Pepin Quilliam Rosencrantz ton Teddy Upwood Vivatma Wayland Xylon Yardley Zachary Usansky".... is better of just Barnaby, don't you? The key to titles I think is focus and simplicity. But that's that, let's get to some writing and prose, shall we?

I actually patted myself on the back when I read your description, because dang, I just got your writing style down pat from your title. /pats self on the back more./ You use descriptive language fearlessly. I think this is a good preview of your story's overall tone, that your story telling is heavily influenced by similes and metaphors. Did you write poetry, by any chance?

I think the opening

"Wonwoo is not a promise for a better tomorrow..."

is such a strong opening line. I love it. I really do. I think however the following sentences doesn't follow through with this idea. I think metaphors are strongest when you let your readers interpret the implied connection between two things. Adding because to a metaphor means you don't trust your readers to make that connection for themselves.

" (FIRST CLAUSE) Wonwoo is not a promise for a better tomorrow, (SECOND CLAUSE)because Wonwoo doesn't make promises that he could not fullfill."

As I have said the fact that you are explaining why Wonwoo is not a promise makes this metaphor weak, but do notice that this two clauses are not parallel. The first clause is expressing Wonwoo as an idea, as a broken promise. In this clause, he is not human. In the second clause, he is human again and he is one not making promises. Do you get what I mean? To create a sense of parallelism, your ideas must agree. Is he human or is he an idea? The following sentences I think you really need to review and make sure your ideas are focused and connected. Your subject shifts, and the transitions are a tad shaky. You have really strong figurative language but I think you have a problem with wordiness.

Wonwoo is not a promise for a better tomorrow, because Wonwoo doesn't make promises that he could not fullfill [note whenever you use because this is flagging you that you are giving additional information. Whenever you encounter because in your storytelling, make sure that it's essential and not clutter.]

[In this second sentence, you change the topic from promises to falling in love. While this can be related ideas, there were no transition towards it, which makes it read like a leap from topic to topic] He doesn't easily fall for someone as [here you are using as like you would use because, again this sags your writing] he doesn't understand what love is in the first place [I would actually take out the first clause in this sentence]. For him, the form of love he is able to grasp is when he traces his fingers along hipbones and soft skins of girls that finds comfort under his touch [I like this imagery but see how you change the focus from Wonwoo to the girls]; they said his touch made them feel alive. Wonwoo doesn't believe them [this sentence is weak. Think "I don't believe you" is so much weaker than "You are a liar". I think you have to consider that if there is a word for it instead of a description, you should use that instead], because they are all girls that are reckless with their words, and love [see here, this is saying that they are saying they love him, but the preceeding sentence doesn't say that at all] spills from their mouths like a broken song [I like this, but notice again, how your focus shifted from Wonwoo to the girls... It's not wrong, but the first sentences is talking about Wonwoo, but strangely your imagery is focused on the women.] that is too repetitive [I think too repetitive is redundant] to be listened by [passive voice is a weak voice and with your sentence length, the subject is already buried in so much information, it's negligible] his tired ears.

How I would write this:

Wonwoo is not a promise for a better tomorrow. He is the now in now and forever, and forever, he believes, is nothing but the figment of other people's imagination. He can not love you forever, but he can love you now. Now, his fingers would flit over your skin, barely touching, just a hint. I love you now, his fingers would whisper, along the curve of your spine, the curve of your hips. I make you feel alive.

But only for now.

He has heard it before, I love you forever from girls' pretty, reckless lips. But women are liars who spills lies like a broken record as if repeating it would make it true.

I love you forever.

I love you always.

Is nothing but a stale chorus to his ears.

Of course, I am not saying this is better, but please use this example to see how ideas transition, how it attempts to relate promises to forever to love. You may also notice that I lean towards shorter sentences, as they deliver ideas quicker and that's partially my style. But please do note, that varying sentence length adds effect and because you have a tendency of longer sentences, your narrative voice sounds pedantic, monotonous.

Then he stumbles over her [the idiom is "stumble upon". Stumble over is literal. It's falling over someone.]. He stops to look [this verb is weak and suggests looking, as in passing. Watch I think would be better] at her.

[I think at this point your story needs to see movement, and as I really do love your figurative language, here, it's pretty saturated. I wish you wrote a scene with action verbs instead of just this vague metaphor.] Seulgi, in her wholeness and rawness, movements as fluid as water, and smooth as silk can be, burns brilliantly [I have a bit of problem with the flow of your ideas. See fluid as water but she burns brilliantly... it's contradictory. I don't think it's necessarily wrong, but clashing ideas are glaring.].

More than the sun, more than anyone can be, as portruding bones on her back sticks out [I LOVE THIS IMAGERY. But you need to find some focus. Look at this sentence fragment, what is the subject? Why does having portruding bones like wings make her like the sun? Your ideas don't coalesce.].

Like a pair of wings and blades ready to break out from her body. [Okay, at this point, I think you styled the independent bars like you would if you were writing poetry, but here it just seems a bad way to segment your ideas. This fragment just looks so out of place.]

(And in that moment, Wonwoo finds his reason to believe) [Aha! Parenthetical sentence! I do not like these, though I know they are experimental, and I guess to each her own. I could argue the parenthesis suggests this as additional, and mostly inconsequential. I just don't like how decorative they seem to be and how uncommitted to this detail, you suggest you are. You should now that punctuations are there to create clarity to your message, and this parentesis actually just makes me wonder why they are there.... unless they are like the breaking of the fourth wall, and you are actually speaking to your audience... and in which case, I just don't like those.

Presentation Is the font/formatting easy to read? Is the story cluttered? Is the background/poster distracting?

So, I actually got this review request prior to your current poster, and I kind of like this young god random image you used to have. Haha. Possibly because I like the way your mind works around metaphors and I think the most ambitious of metaphors is comparing anything to god. But because this is, of course useless information, I should just say no comment, but LOL. I think your new poster is very hard to read because it so washed out. I do know it's for effect, but hey, you can't blame sevvy for her bad eyesight.

I think everything is overall pretty. I do, however think your font is too small and because you have a leaning towards longer sentences you end up with really dense blocks of text. If you ever go into classes around text and layout, you'll find out that anything digitally read should have larger fonts and more white space because the light from the digital device (laptops, monitors, phones, or e-readers) tire the eyes out... so yeah. Just my two cents about your visuals. :)

Plot Is the plot captivating? Is it realistic? Is there a (if necessary)? Does the plot work well with the characters chosen? Is the pacing acceptable? Is it confusing? Does the story feel disconnected?

Okay, so because I only read chapter 1, I can't really give you any insights around the plot. But I really have to tell you that at almost 6,000 words in, I expected to have the main characters introduced already. You see what you have at chapter one is what we call a backstory. Back stories are super important because a character's background shapes their personality. But writers should start where the story starts, and reading your author's note, I can really tell that you do know your story doesn't start until chapter 2. I do appreciate the back story, but you could have layered it into the main stories using flashbacks or recollections. This dense portion of introduction is not chapter one of your story but a prelude. I never really enjoyed preludes. I think you could make it work, but your writing style (as far as I have experienced) leans heavily on reminiscence and not in action, so the experience was somehow lethargic. I discuss your writing style further in the following section.

Your time shifting has been discussed by other reviewers, and you seem to feel strongly about having a sort of a mixed kind of time flow. I should tell you that I am a big fan of ia Woolf, and she's one of the more well known writers who favour the stream of consciousness kind of style and that means the narration gives off the feel of timelessness. Your story, I feel, kind of aspires to that kind of style, but it lacks the disconnect. In my opinion, your story following a jumbled chronological style is fine, and actually pretty ambitious. But I do have to tell you that it's quite confusing, and because your vocubulary is not precise, it makes your story very difficult to read. We all like to think being ambitious is good, but I say even ambition has to be taken in moderation. In my opinion, I really think you need to work on your vocabulary precision before you try on experimental style. But again, just my two cents in, you are free to do as you like, as we both know.

Just to go into detail about your timeline, I think jumping from present, past, present, is actually fine, but there were times that your timeline just doesn't make sense:

"Stupid Wonwoo, why are you ignoring us? Aren't we friends? You're so cruel, to think I care so much for you- [Wrong use of punctuation. That's a hyphen. I think you wanted an em-dash.]"

[Adding more whitespace would indicate a scene break, but this scene and the prior scene are too similar for whitespace to effective transition. I really do think you need dialogue tags or time tags.]

[For example here you could have placed, That night the park near our school was deserted. It just gives your story more structure]. The park near our school was deserted at seven on the evening. She had chased me from her mansion, clad in a baby blue sleeveless dress with slippers. Soojung's mansion was not far from the school, and I was baffled how Soojung could notice me in the dark. I was stunned seeing Soojung clad not in any warm clothing, and her maids had not chased her here yet.

During this part of the story there was dialogue of Wonwoo and Soojung speaking then a scene where she was chasing after him. I really do think jumping around chronology is fine, but in this instance we have a disembodied dialogue. If it belongs to the previous scene you have to end it with dialogue tags, like "she screamed the other day" or a time tag before the different scene like "That night". Of course my suggested tags are awkward, but you have to properly close and open scenes or else your story wouldn't have structure.

On this part as well you jump around the time line:

It had been a year since that time [what time? don't be vague here]. I was [in a different class/section, I would have used this instead. It's more straight forward.] put [placed would be a better word, as put sounds deliberate like they were separated deliberately by a teacher] in another class from Mingyu and Soojung, and I earned [watch out for your word choices, a better word is gained] a new set of friends. It was the first time we spoke to each other and I was glad that we would separate in good terms. It seemed to me that Mingyu finally listened while I wasn't there, and [there weren't any news about them fighting or Mingyu womanizing ways]. I no longer heard of news being spread out, that both of these bestfriends of mine were fighting over his flirtatious habit.

[Your time line here is confusing. They separate (it had been a year), but your next paragraph they are still hugging. If you meant for the last paragraph to be some sort of recollection as they hug, you should clarify this because 'that time' kind of points back to the previous conversation.]

As I hugged Soojung, I saw Mingyu standing behind her, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his expression soft as he gazed at me, then to Soojung. That look Mingyu gave to her assured me that 10 years from now on [okay, so at this point, I am confused as to how far back your narrator is looking back from, is he in the future 10 years from this story? If so, you need to indicate it in the beginning of your story by using introductory tag. But even if your narrator is from the future the look here that "assured" him... is kind of too... naive... how about promised? I think the problem with your narrator is that I am unsure if he's cynical or hopeful. You need to clarify that.], somehow, this scene would be repeated, only a child would be holding to Mingyu's little finger, and Soojung would be too excited to introduce me to their own child, the product of their love.

All in all, I think this two paragraphs are messy in regards to chronological progression. It felt like you were skipping from here to there because you didn't want to deal with this storyline.

The sub-plot of Wonwoo's first love and his parents love story is pretty heartfelt, I think. You struggle around clarity and connecting ideas. One of the fundamental pointers to writing short fiction is that there should be a unity of effect, so when you put an idea in, like for example that love is an interlaced hope, it should manifest in your storyline, as I'm sure it does further in your story, but without the manifestation within the same chapter the idea just hangs there awkwardly without affirmation. This can be aided if you give your narrator a cynical outlook, like giving him the chance to grow to this belief rather than having the omniscient hanging voice that declares your story's intent. Always remember that a story plot is a journey, if you tell me the outcome, that love will conquer all, it's pretty much a cliche trip that no one would find thrilling. If your narrator Wonwoo had said "There are a lot of bull that get thrown around about love, like say that it's some rope that pulls you to the a brighter tomorrow. Pfft. That's fodder for the birds. That's dried crap on the pavement." You see that you give your character and your readers a chance to grow within your storyline and the value system of your character is not contradictory to the progression of the story.

You also spent so long on your exposition before you started your story. It took you seven paragraphs that discussed generalizations and cliches, and that just doesn't work for stories. It almost seemed like you are trying to give out a sermon. Of course, all stories have something to tell, may it be a moral, or a learning, but you have to let your story speak for itself, and not place it so on-the-nose. There are so many unresolved claims like that "a child unwanted is worst than a child aborted". Why is this in the story? You might be saying that this is discussed further in the story, but you shouldn't just put this out here at the front if it's not useful to the current narrative arc. Here in chapter one, it just sags down your writing. When do you need it? At chapter 2? Then place it there.

You have to plot lines in this chapter. I will discuss my issues in these below.

PLOT 1: Parents.

Perfectly matched parents -> marriage -> losing baby -> mother gets sick -> Dad/Wonwoo started smoking.

Okay. I am really unsure about how you portrayed marriage here or how Wonwoo sees his parents. I just don't see it as realistic. Most teens are embarrassed by their parents even if it's good natured. It's just... I find his glorification of his parents really, really strange. How he idolized them, and even bad mouth other people's parents just makes me think he's stuck up.

I also do not understand why you need to tell me about the parents losing their child. Is it crucial to the storyline? Again, if it affects Wonwoo or the story, this should be mentioned when it becomes apparent. This whole mass of information should be found where it's needed. If it's not needed and you just included this as extra information, now that one of the crucial tips in good writing is to "Kill your darlings", meaning to say that one should take out extra information that isn't needed in the text. Your job as a writer is to make the reading experience as smooth as possible, and that means taking out the clutter (among other things) of course.

About Wonwoo/Dad smoking after his mother developed COPD, I read from the comments one question about how they started smoking, and read in your reply that you will be explaining this further. I don't know if you have but this is my question as well. It doesn't really have to be a lengthy explanation, but you need to have this.

PLOT 2: Wonwoo, Mingyu and Soo Young

Wet dream -> best friend Mingyu -> Mingyu steals the girl -> Mingyu is a playboy -> Wonwoo becomes a bridge -> Wonwoo eventually abandons them -> College

First things first, let's talk about wet dreams. Wet dreams are the ual awakening of boys. It's not sweet. It's not romantic. It's pretty primal. Most boys are embarrassed about this. So you saying Wonwoo had a wet dream about Soo Young is you saying he dreamed of having with her. I don't think it's all that romantic. I am not saying he didn't have a crush on her. I am saying it's a really weird way of telling me he did. This is a story telling decision that you made, and I just thought this was a very strange choice. During puberty, boys have wet dreams and they e. It's not romantic. It's normal, but it's really not romantic at all. Boys can dream about and can e to ... but having a next door girl and fantasize about her... well, that's normal, but it's not a story you tell about your first love.

I also wonder why you say Soo young was like a storm that never left. I liked the expression, but she never felt like a storm. If you meant it because she tore Mingyu and Wonwoo's friendship, you need to tell it better.

Her name is Soo Jung,[you need a comma when connecting two independent clause or it becomes a run-on sentence] and she was a storm that never left. At least for us three, in our little trio, Soojung was a became a storm. [Here your metaphor would work better if you compared her attitude to a storm. Like Soo Jung was the fierce wind, frantic and howling over the hurt in Mingyu's betrayal, and it seems he always was. Soo Jung was the unrelenting rain when she cried. Or something like that.] Soojung [your tense is not wrong, but I am choosing was because simple past is still less clutter] washad been a very [I have nothing against very, I just feel like it's a childish adjective. One that works sometimes, and sometimes not. For here, I don't think it does. But that's a subjective debate.] jealous and sensitive lover [lover is a very... serious word. Not used by teens. It's old fashioned. Girlfriend would make your Wonwoo more believable], and she was pricked and hurted [misspelled. You need to check your spelling.Or your beta should.] by the smallest of things that Mingyu did [would have worked so much better if you told me what pissed her off, and what you consider a small thing], which I found as an enough reason for her to break up with him [if you say "every little thing" it means she's exagerrating, saying that "should be a reason to break up" is contradictory to your first statement]; hitting on girls while she wasn't around, playfully doing skinships [this is not a real word except for Japanese/Korean fandoms. It would work if your narrator was playful, but he isn't. So the level of diction is strange.] with girls on our class. Soojung had her share of friends who kept an eye on him and sometimes, Soojung would come to me then shout and shriek at me, for having a as a friend and she would cry in the process [This would work better if you showed me instead of telling me. Create a scene instead of telling me about it.].

As much as I feel empathy for Wonwoo being a troubled bridge to his bestfriend and his first loves relationship, I think how you tell it needs a lot of work. First off Wonwoo and Mingyu's friendship you never elaborate on, and for Soo Jung to go out drinking with two boys is weird (is she a problem child? Does she not have female friends? Why was she there?), then they just eat dinner with Wonwoo's parents? How are these teens not feel guilt over it? It's just a really weird scene that you never really explained.

I also found it strange that Wonwoo and Mingyu never interacted in your story, or Wonwoo never confronted him over his girl issues. I don't understand why Mingyu went for other girls if he liked Soo Young. I think despite this really long backstory and time skipping, your focus is very linear and straight-forward. You need to fix that. This chapter is just a dense background, and what your readers would benefit from would be if you layered this with your main story AND if you take out unnecessary things. You have to have that discipline to delete what isn't needed. Writing is about writing AND what you take out in your writing. Always remember that your duty as a writer is to be clear.

Language & style Are there basic grammatical mistakes/typos? Do the mistakes distract from the overall story? Is the writing style mature and distinctive? If narrating, does the narration feel natural? Does the diction contribute to the story? Does the story attempt to involve more advanced literary devices?

I think the main issue with your writing is that English isn't your first language and your word choices aren't always the right fit. This makes the reading of your story challenging. I don't if that's a hurtful thing to say, but it's an honest comment. As an ESL writer myself, I think what benefits us ESL writers is not cushioning the blows. I really want you to continue writing in English, and improving as well. But you need to work on your English to be a good writer. Don't be complacent in your writing because people tell you, you are good for someone who has English as a second language. That ultimately means your writing is not up to par in their writing standards. And that hurts. I know it hurts. But if you're serious in writing then you push through that hurt and study and be better. Take note of your weaknesses and study about that. You have word choices that don't fit. I say avoid big words unless you are sure it fits and it fits the diction of your narrative. Your prepositions are also a hit-or-miss. I am bad with tenses, and I usually don't care about fragments or run-ons, but do look at that as well.

Subject focus.

Like I've mentioned before, your subject focus tends to shift awkwardly. I discussed this on your Description section, but we can look at another example:

I couldn't understand Mingyu at that moment. Because, if he could chant her name countless of times with a smile as if she was the most beautiful thing, why did he do all these things that only hurt her and ruin her in the process? Mingyu didn't answer my question and looked up upon the sky, and I could see his lips moving, uttering inaudible sounds that could resemble Soojung, Soojung, Soojung. I could never understand Mingyu, whose feelings built and destroyed her at the same time. Soojung also couldn't understand, how could she when she couldn't even understand herself. [This came out of nowhere.]

I picked this line because I said Wonwoo never confronted Mingyu over this, but it seems that he has. I wonder, however, why Mingyu remained vague about the matter and why Wonwoo gave up on the issue. It just feels unnatural. But the Soo Jung bit did feel like it came out of nowhere because she wasn't even in the scene. She was an abstract idea at this point. But Wonwoo just becomes a complete narrator in this, becoming omniscient even, claiming he knew why Soo Jung can't understand Mingyu. It's just weird, and on-the-nose like your telling this because your worried other people might not get it.

Also, the chanting of Soo Jung's name is pretty as an idea, but really, really weird if you think about it realistically. People don't chant names, inaudible or audible. It's not realistic.

Her strong cheekbones knocked on my chest and Soojung nodded timidly yet unwilling to my word.

Here notice your description. Your focus is on her cheekbones and you put an adjective "strong" before it. Stong cheekbones usually mean that they are prominent, or visually strong. When they knock on your chest, means you are not looking at said cheekbones, hence they can't be strong in that meaning. It would mean strong as hard if it knocks on a chest, but then again all cheekbones are hard, so yeah, that adjective is negligeble. The whole first clause is actually weird thing to say. "I felt her cheek slam on my chest" would sound more natural to me because it rooted to Wonwoo's experience, but that may just be me.

Sentence length.

You have a tendency to favour long sentences, and even going with run-ons, and I do believe style is something that's innate and you might be just inclined to that style. But do know that longer sentences have a thoughtfulness to it, and this gives a lethargic effect. This is why your story telling reads as having a dreamy feel to it. This effect is fine, but also very tiring to read. Know that short sentences are also at your disposal and they have can be used for specific effect as well. Varying your sentence length and knowing when to use them is one of the skills of a writer that one should learn in writing.

Wordiness

I also noticed that you have a tendency to dwell on ideas and are prone to wordiness:

We, humans, [wordy, why put do you need to put humans? Unless you are arguing about the value of love as a human capacity, but then it just sags the writing. Take out We or Humans. You don't need two subjects meaning the same things.] grow up believing believe that  [one writing tip I have encountered is checking if you need that. Most of the time, you don't.] we are carved [strange word choice, should this not be made? Or born? Or emerged? Imagine carving, it would mean the love after would no longer be whole. Look at the precision of your words.]out from our parents' love, a manifestation [you can't be a "manifestation" from a fully manifested thing. You can only be manifested by ideas like love, or the holy ghost, immaterial things.] of two human beings who agreed to reproduce a child; a legacy that would leave a mark on this world. [this whole sentence is a run on, and you use the semi-colon wrong]. A legacy, that they have succeeded to forge [look at your verb, forging is the act of heating steal and hammering it to shape. The visual of this is incongruent with the delicateness of babies. Look at your word choice] with their hopes, their expectations, and their wishes [Three words saying the same things. Unnecessarily wordy]. There is also a promise that they silently recited [wordy, you could use whisper, silently recited is somewhat of an oxymoron] on [in, wrong preposition] their hearts, how they would dedicate their whole life, solely for their child, to make it through this enigmatic thing called life.

They vowed to  love; selflessly without any limitation, with patience and kindness, for the sake of their own child feeling loved, and wanted in this world as a precious gift to their life. [Extremely wordy and misuse of punctuations. You need to look this up. Punctuations can be ornamental, but it shouldn't be in prose. It's just... it's hard to digest]

A child unwanted,[misplaced comma] is even worse than a child aborted. The two resembles each other so much [This logic is actually flawed because a child aborted IS a child unwanted. You don't want the child which is why you got rid of it. I think a child born unwanted. I also have a strange feelings about this argument you are presenting. It's very in your face, because if I don't agree with you then I will stop reading. Usually, good writing would render arguments into open dialogues. You can't claim a fact, as it limits your narrator. I just don't like this sure voice.]. However, the differences lay [lie. wrong word choice] on the case of existence and acknowledgement. A child unwanted is a child born yet neglected. Then [wrong choice of conjuctions. You are comparing, you should use comparative conjunctions], a child aborted is a child whose life span is cut away before he even sees what the face of his mother, of [from, wrong word choice] reasons commonly named as accidental pregnancies by youth, who jeopardize their futures by putting their worries and responsibilities behind, as they commit adultery [wrong word choice, this suggests cheating] at cheap motels that reek of callousness and irresponsibility.

These paragraph is really long and it's delivering moral judgements and I just disliked everything about it. As I've said, good writing in rhetoric should always address their audience by rendering them benevolent. You are presenting a perspective that either you or your narrator believes. Your job as a writer is to get other people who do not agree to read on. So you should present it as something as a dialogue, an open-ended philosophical tackling. And this whole paragraph's idea is disconnected too... what are you trying to say? That a child who is born unwanted is worst than children aborted? Then why are you saying these condemning things about youth who get accidentally pregnant? These ideas are connected, but they are saying different things, and heading in different directions. The whole paragraph is wordy and disorganized.

I think the problem is something about the style you prefer. I think you like to dwell on ideas, but this stagnate the story. If ideas are left to be ideas for too long it starts to sound like a lecture. A good story never feels like a lecture even if you learn from it. I can't tell you to disregard this wordy style, but I should tell you it's very out of this time. Meaning even literary books today is not using this style. At this day and age, word count is heavily monitored, and I think you would really benefit if you try to cut back. I don't really know how to convince you, and really I think others would like your style, but for me, it's very lethargic. The idea of watching an idea bloom is nice and all, but I need my prose that moves. Yours tend to stagnate then skip. If you practice with short stories with a word cap (usually it's 2,000-5,000 words), you would sheer away the unnecessary. Not being wordy is not cutting down the style, it just makes the ornamentation more meaningful.

Word Choice

As discussed above in the example your word choices aren't always on point, sometimes it's plain wrong, and sometimes it's awkward. There is no tip to this, but getting yourself more familiar with words and how you should use them. Also, watch out for the level of diction, like a teenager would not call anyone their lover. It's strange. Take care of your prepositions. You have a beta, but I am surprises this has so many errors. If I may be bold to suggest, get a beta who is better than you in English. Someone who corrects you.

Dialogue

Your characters dialogue is unnatural.

"Stupid Wonwoo, why are you ignoring us? Aren't we friends? You're so cruel, to think I care so much for you-"

Here I think this was translated, but someone who speaks English  would never refer to someone as "stupid wonwoo". You idiot! is more natural. Also the voice is plain. What is the emotion here you are trying to convey? Describe it to me.

Soo Young didn't take my leaving well.

She chased after me and out of the huffs of breath came the storm. "You idiot! You idiot!" Her face crumples in distress, her fist rains down on my arm, "You dare ignore me? Us? I treated you as my friend and this is what I get? You. Do you even... to think I cared..."

This is my one-two attempt at your dialogue. The thing about dialogue is you have to watch the pacing and think if anyone would really ask if they were friends... I can't say I understand what emotion she should be showing, but I picked angry because she is supposed to be storm. I think you need to work on how you convey emotions. Logically, I think she is angry, but your story should work me up to that emotion to the point that I am sure she is.

Also, watch out when you repeat names, or say full names, I know it's more usual in Korea but in English it's not, because you adapt the medium, you should follow the basics or it's awkward to read.

"Hey, what's happening here? Am I missing som– Jung Soojung, why are you crying again? What are you crying for this time?" Mingyu's eyes alarmed which Soojung saw probably as mocking, whilst I saw his expression as sincere and anxious. Because I have listened for countless of times, how Mingyu had spoken of Soojung as if she was the constellation of our galaxy, and how she made us aware that girls were very sensitive beings who fall for the smallest of things and hate for the biggest of pretense. 

You should try breaking up your dialogue and insert descriptions.

"Hey," Mingyu enters, brows knitted n confusion, "What the heck is happening here? What? Are you crying?"

I think the problem with your dialogue is that you insert information that people in the situation wouldn't necessarily say. Like Am I missing something? Imagine your scene Mingyu enters and sees them in an embrace, logically I would think Minyu would be jealous, then asking what is happening is natural, but only up to the point that he needs to jump to another point of interest which is crying. He doesn't need to address soojung because it would be implied already, and natural conversation is more like this, a skipping of logic because you never really say everything you are meant to. There are a lot of nonverbals, you need to take care of in the narration.

Characters Are the characters realistic and relatable? Do they have depth? Do they grow or are they static? Do they ever act out of character? Are the relationships profound? Are the characters original and interesting? Do they evoke emotions? Are they relatable?

Wonwoo's narrative voice, is it convincing?

Okay, I am moving forward to characters, but I know I am quite limited to what I have read, but this is going on 8,000+ words strong on the ramblings, so I think I really need to finish off. Your characters read vague. The narrative voice of Wonwoo is hard to relate to, as I am not sure if he's necessarily a bad guy or a good guy, like he has no definitives. He's very passive. His outlook in life like how his parents are perfect is, as I mentioned, odd. Maybe that's just me and my distorted world view, so you can let that go. You need to define your narrator's voice, and therefore define your characters perspective. Is he disillusioned because his mother is dying? I think it's implied but you don't fully embody that in your telling.

Wonwoo needs to start telling the story as how he sees it. If you want me to believe he is cynical that should show in his words. I really don't know how to explain it, but your story reads very passively. I mean, Wonwoo can be passive but the text should say that like he felt like life was a show and he was meant to watch it unfold. A story is not meant to be on the nose, but you also can't be too vague.

I hope that makes sense.

The mother, father, and playboy Mingyu and first love Soo Jung are stock characters, and they feel underdeveloped. There is an attempt to explore the Soo Jung character but it was more of a tell versus show. Like she is rich, and pampered, and can't make decisions for herself, her boyfriend cheats she gets angry and cries and takes him back. If I summarize it like that, isn't it a little to generic. She is a storm that never leaves is a really strong description but it was never developed. There was a mention of other friends, but again they were shadows to the story. The characters are not as flushed as I expected from an 8,000 word read.

I think what you should work on is knowing your characters, and I do think you do but how does your reader know? Tell me about how he feel rather than what humans believe. A first-person POV story should hint on the personal take of the experience, and Wonwoo was just vague. Does he believe in love? What does he feel watching her mother cough until she is choking in her own spit? I need to know this. What does make Wonwoo human? How does he react to everything?

I'm going to end this here, because I feel a rambled for too much. I hope you took away something from this. I did take a lot of time trying to be useful to you. I think your story is really strong. The telling, though, needs a lot of polish so the readers know how much it shines.

I am sorry this took so long. I would give you excuses, but I hardly think it's anything you would see merit on. Either way, I apologize.

Thank you for your request and I wish you the best of journeys in writing!

Yours,

secretseven