My Homeless Boyfriend

Author: keena-choding

Reviewer: secretseven

Story Link

Dear keena-choding,

Hello. I'll begin with telling you that it's very unfortunate that I was assigned your fic, it's not that your fic is bad but my relative unfitness to give it a review. I am, to be honest, clueless with the romcom genre. But that being said, I feel quite lucky given this opportunity, since I'll be learning a lot along with you but I have asked a good friend, Kay_tea114, for tips on where to comment. She being more versed with the genre and the humor necessary for composing crack, romcom and the like. Now that's said, we can proceed with your story!

I think I've said more than often enough times already, but I'm very happy to be repetitive on this part, you have a good command of English and that is always good. Of course, I'm not saying that it's perfect. But hey, what is, right? So what we can do for you is highlight the errors we've seen and maybe it will help you on improving. In my opinion, your errors were never made intentionally. I think for writing, mistakes are made due to this habit of carelessness. And I am beginning to sound like a broken record with this, but writing more consciously and giving your fic care and attention would minimize those errors. I may sound like a hypocrite when saying this, but proofreading is one of the disciplines in writing that is often ignored but one of the most useful tool to get rid of those unwanted mistakes.

So, let's go on with your story in a more in-depth fashion. As always, seven needs a bit of guidance from Chang's rubric so I wont stray too far. And I'll be inserting some of Kay_tea114's comments. Do forgive us, if we sound harsh or anything. Changtastic's intention is to give you, not judgment, but tips on where your story might need work on. Keep in mind that most of what we say are subjective and its usefulness is purely a decision on your part. But here's to trying our best:

PLOT

Like I've said in the beginning, I am quite confused with the romcom genre and after reading your fic I went around the web to find some sort of guide on writing romcom. What is the basic skeletal of a romcom? What makes it different to straight forward romance? If we take the word added to the broader genre romance, which is obviously comedy, then it is quite easy to understand that what romcom needs is a good amount of humor. But with my experience with writing romance, this actually confused me even further. There is a certain type of humor that works on romcom and I had to really think about it to pin it down. Because every writing at some point uses humor and it has subtypes-- dark, light, dry, toilet, to name a few. But I found that humor in romcom usually uses the absurd. Take for example popular romcom films: Fifty First Dates (memory that last just a day,) My Best friend's Wedding (a woman who takes a promise in their childhood seriously for thirty years) and (let's take one right from AFF,) Huntress' Mobster for Rent (where a girl hires a mobster as a boyfriend.) But what makes the absurd humor fit into romcom is how they are rooted into some form of logic that is actually believable.

After researching about romcom, I think that I have grown to respect it and see it as a modern form of fairy tales. Romcom provides it's readers an absurd scenario in replacement for magic but it's peppered with the familiar elements of fairy tales which are destiny, fate and happy endings. It's generally a feel good story that offers it's readers the comfort of humor and the familiar. And the challenge of writing one is to keep things simple, believable and most of the time funny.

Sorry for rambling on, I really did find reviewing your fic quite educational and if you find any morsels of new information in that rambling, that would make me extremely happy. But I really do think that writing takes a lot of care and knowing the fundamentals of the genre helps a lot, so I do hope you get something from that. In relation to your story, the absurd is quite obvious and is written all over the title. I really do think that your story has a lot of potential but take note that a truly successful romcom fic needs to root down the absurd. To make it absurd but believable. I think that is one of the fundamental weakness of your fic.  

[Kay_tea114: I don’t really know how else to describe it other than, what is going on?  Yes, I know that Jonghyun is homeless, but how? Why? There are a lot of plot holes such as, why is his grandfather so bent on him taking over the company? What kind of company is it? Why isn’t his father taking over instead? There isn’t enough background information behind him being homeless.  And why did his grandfather keep the heir to Kim Enterprises under wraps? I’m pretty sure any sensible businessman would show the heir to the world so that businessmen can pee in their pants and sell all their stocks.] 

I would have to agree with Taey for the most part. If you could give us more background information, we (as readers) can be more comfortable submerging ourselves in your stories. What I can give you is a this memory of a lecture I had in one of my English classes that gave me a headache. Fiction, is generally the untruth. Basically, it's a lie. If you think of it that way, then wouldn't the best liars be the person who actually have thought of everything? It's a rather distasteful way to think of it but it does help me a lot when writing. Visualize it, you are lying to your readers and your readers can be divided into three types: the ones who want to believe, the skeptic and those who do not believe at all. Of course, lying is easier to the people who actually take your word as you say them, but that would mean that you're actually limiting your audience. Limiting your, and your fics, potential. I do apologize for being so rambly, I think it's my general mood today.

Again, I think Taey, pretty much highlighted the main issues of your fic. I found that you have rushed into the story quite quickly and not bothering with the why. Sure, he gets thrown out but that was rather an extreme. An absurd. But give us a little more of the why. For example give us a glimpse of the over the top argument between Jonghyun and his grandfather. Again, I am very limited in terms of humor applicable to the genre... but say, he showers for three hours because that was the only place he could really sing? Or perhaps, give us a bit of childhood as an heir. Of strict schedules and decorum. Perhaps, Jonghyun finds freedom and honesty when he sings but that would mean breaking expectation. I guess I shall leave the humor to you. I feel like a fish out of water.

I have a few points that I found needed a bit more work as well.

(a) he gets thrown out in his pajamas which was oddly not told in the beginning. I think this little small detail that was left out is kind of important in someways. I mean, you can incorporate it in the narration, if it's something that you wished to add later on the story.

Suggestion: (Add in the beginning that time they had fought, why was he in his pajamas? Was he sleeping in because he was lazy? Did he not want to wake up and perform his duties as heir?)

(You can omit saying that he was in his pajamas in the earlier scenes, you can just make Jonghyun rant about it.)

I can't believe that old geezer actually threw me out! In my pajamas, no less!

Why is this important? Because it actually gives your story foundation. What makes a story different from, say a dictation of information, is the interrelation of the elements. So keep in mind that throwing in information in such an abrupt manner actually disrupts the story. It's very minor and mostly ignored but I think the small details would add character to your story as a whole.

(b) he gets disheveled even after just being thrown out less than twenty four hours. (how? Why not tell me this story? Give him that little hardship. I think for the most parts, your story is a bit too self indulgent. You skip a lot of scenes to get to the point where you want it to be. That's a little careless)

(c) the romance is a bit too orchestrated. I found Mi Joo's almost obsessive desire to have a boy friend a touch bit annoying. There is nothing wrong with wanting romance. But give me a reason for it. Like give me a scene where she's actually longing for it... to be loved, to be taken care of, to be seen as someone special. It's human nature and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. But you need to tell me more about her. Give her a bit of depth.

(d) your characters seem to be pawns of fate. I mean, these are highly absurd scenarios and your character seem to accept it quite easily. No struggle. Sure there's the onset of disbelief but it's easily brushed off. I think this is what makes romcom special. The struggle with the absurd. Give them a bit more time, more scenes so your story doesn't feel too forced.

(e) how can he enroll without money? Did Mi Joo pay for him? It is a public school but they do have to pay for it, I mean just a bit, right? Ignore me if I'm wrong. Another thing, that school system is pretty lax. How does he enroll without proper paperwork? That's unusual.

(f) I find Mi Joo being touchy strange. I found Jonghyun's putting barricades when they slept in the same bed funny but also... unbelievable. I think you have to look at it on a boy's point of view, is Jonghyun completely not attracted to her physically? You never seem to dwell on that. I think you should. I mean, I think it's only logical. Make Jonghyun see her physically. Describe her physical attributes. I know she isn't his type but for romance to work out there must be a connection. An attraction and you never really got to show your readers that.

LANGUAGE & STYLE

[Kay_tea114:Your writing style fits the genre. You have the tendency to go off on a tangent (“Don’t tell him that I said that though. He might get mad and bother not to come to class next time. Then I won’t get paid. And if I don’t get paid, then I can’t buy food. If I don’t buy food then Jonghyun might die. If Jonghyun dies…I’ll die!” – Chapter 15). As a fellow romcom writer, I find your random tangents quite amusing.]

Another point, where I tell you I don't really understand the genre. Well, anyway tangents aside... I think you have a good sense of English, but that said you have to be careful with your word choices:

Examples:

(1)This was 100% nonsense.

This makes sense but it's awkward. I think percentage as adjectives is awkward specially if it's describing a negative. I think "This made absolutely no sense." is a more structured sentence. I don't know if I'm making sense when I say nonsense can be read as zero sense... so it just makes the statement awkward and strange if you said:

"This made 100% zero sense." I think "This made zero sense." Would work better.

(2) He looked to the opposite direction.

This statement is wordy and incorrect. Because if you are looking at the person you are talking to, then opposite would be looking at you... I think: He looked away, makes so much more sense.

In a lot of instances what you need are more descriptions.

(3) ...He walked off emphasizing every single word to her add piercing my heart all the same time.

[Here you chose to show him affronted.] Me... Lowly? [insert his feelings here: I feel my ears grow hot and an intense discomfort has developed around my chest.] What has this world come to? [Here: Elaborate more. I could hardly believe my ears. Surely, lowly is not an adjective fitting of the great Jonghyun! Certainly not!]

(4) I hid behind the side of the school which just happened to be a blind spot; no one would able to see me, and it's not like I wanted to anyway.

This sentence is wordy and redundant. Of course, he will hide in a blind spot. Of course, he didn't want anyone to see him, hence the hiding. I don't understand the logic of this statement. I would suggest reworking it.

(5) Just to let you know, I'm a very nosy person...

I found this sentence glaringly obvious. I don't know, it just might be me but you tend to emphasize the obvious and leave of details that could work for your story. Why not describe his curiosity instead?

(6) The girlfriend pouted and reluctantly said, "Alright then. Bye Oppa!"

The dialog seems rushed. It's unnatural. "Alright then." the girl gave him a disappointed smile, "Bye, Oppa."

I think you should picture the scene more in your head. Think of the dialog pacing and try to feel your way through it and think if it sounds natural.

(7) Somewhere in your story, you mention spooning. And well spooning is an embrace with one of the couple having his/her back facing the other. So, in your description it's an inappropriate word.

I'll stop here because I think that pretty much summarized the main issues. I suggest looking your story over and feel your way around. I think all of us has some sense in narration and if it feels awkward to you, it most probably is.

[kay_tea114: This might be a preference thing but I felt like your paragraphs are too short. Every single sentence or two has a paragraph as their own and to be frank; you don’t really have to do it.]

I have to agree with Taey here. Having really short paragraphs  make your story feel choppy. I mean, it's subjective and if it works for you then it's fine but what is your intention with your fic? If it's just to tell this story then it's fine but, in my opinion, a well-told story opt for "showing" not just telling and showing just needs more detail, more words, more paragraphs.

[kay_tea114:What didn’t bode well with me was your use of profanity in chapter 9. It’s not that I don’t like it (because that would be a preference thing) but the way you used it didn’t make sense at times. “Hot friend”…what is that? Is she a hot piece of ? Is she a friend/buddy? Not sure what you’re trying to say here.

 

You misspelled a few words and there were a few awkward phrasings. There was also tense confusion all over your fic.

“I slumped away and out of the million dollar mansion I used to call home, depressed as I can ever be.”

Correction: I slumped out of the million dollar mansion I called “home”, more depressed than ever.

“I’m the heir of the well established Kim Enterprises, I’m the second richest teenager in the country and I—“

Correction: I’m the heir of the well-established Kim Enterprises, the second richest teenager in the country and I—“

“Why is a young man like me, who has yet to finish high school, homeless?”

Correction: How is that a young man like me, who has yet to finish high school, end up being homeless?

“Then I waste 500 won at a vending machine that eats money. And now all of a sudden, that commoner’s psycho best friend asks me out when we barely know each other.”

Correction: Then I wasted 500 won on a vending machine that ate all of my money. And now(,) that commoner’s (suggestion: think it’s best if you change this word. ‘commoner’ sounds like a prince in the 15th century would use) psycho best friend asked me out when we barely knew each other.

There are more and if you want, I can help you with that outside of this review.]

I'll leave that misspellings and grammar stuff to Taey, who is so much better in that discipline than me.

ORIGINALITY & ENTERTAINMENT

[kay_tea114: The moment I saw the word “boyfriend” in your title, I went “No”. It was..how should I say this…a trite title? While it was a nice touch to the fact that Jonghyun is homeless but the implications that there’s a kingka-queenka system at the high school, the rich kid is a prick, etc. just turned me off. I have seen this so much it became cliché (not that cliché is unspeakably horrible). You didn’t put your own spin to it other than the homeless point. It’s bland and dry. Spice it up and you should be fine.]

I think you're story achieves its intent which is to entertain. It's not for everyone (not for Taey obviously) but that's fine. If you're going to ask me then just re-read what I've written already. I think you're story has potential. I don't mind the themes even if it's redone. What cliches need are new ways to make it interesting, like Taey already said.

What you're story needs is more. More details, more rooting to realism, more thought on construction and characterization.

PRESENTATION

I didn't like the insertion of YouTube links. I never clicked on it. So it was useless for me and it just felt weird. I know this is obviously an informal story so I shouldn't complain but it's distracting and you could have just placed the links after the story where your readers can opt to click the link or just ignore it.

Oh, and because it's mentioned and I forgot to include it in the plot category, you could make these songs more relevant to your story. Make him sing not for singing's sake. I mean , why this songs? Why did he choose this song? I mean, it could be he chose it for the lyrics (why?) or the rhythm (why?) Tell me more. Make it less superficial.
 

FLOW


[Kay_tea114:The progression of how two to fall in love feels…fast. Jonghyun sees her as this psycho girl who’s an A-cup and a bit annoying. Fifteen chapters later, he kind of likes her. Mi Joo on the other hand, is strangely attached to him. I thought this was a fake relationship! Even if it’s fake and he’s hot, I thought she would crush on him at best, not really fall for him.]

I have to agree with Taey again on this. But it's not just the romance, it's the whole story. It just skipped from one point to another and well, it's unnatural. It's not believable. I think you really need to give your story more care to develop it's potential. Play on the character's developing feelings. Keyword here is "develop" meaning you have to give them more time. I understand the need to get to the "good parts" but what makes a story good is not the good parts but the story as whole. I am really sorry to say this. It's not my intention to be mean, but your story is just a little too careless. But do know that I see great potential for it. You just need to give it more attention.


CHARACTERS

[kay_tea114:I think I hinted before the characters feel…shallow. Jonghyun is the typical rich brat and I’m here wondering why is he even interested in singing anyway? Surely he must have a strong reason for it and I don’t really see it in the fic. All he does is sing in front of random people. Is he doing it because he feels like it? I see that you’re trying to say that he’s meant to sing but why? How does he feel when he sings? Even more importantly, what got him inspired to sing?
 

Mi Joo’s character is all over the place. First she’s psychotic, then annoying, then…crybaby? I’m not sure what to make of her. She isn’t a solid character like Jonghyun.]

I think with Taey's question you could develop Jonghyun's character further. I really do think you could give him more depth. I know that you want him to appear superficial but no one is completely. He's beginning to like Mi Joo and you never get into detail why. It's confusing time falling in love and it could give Jonghyun depth. Tell me what he likes about her.

Mi Joo is confusing and she feels a lot like a stick figure, a high profile plot device. It's just that she's just a ball of random oddity. Tell me why does she want a boyfriend? What are her good traits? I don't know how to direct you in this because characterization should be integrated in the story. You tell me about her odd sense of style but it's mentioned just once, but a person sense of style speaks about the person him/herself. So it felt like you were just throwing at me random details that should mean something but never really got there. Like I've said over and over, details makes or breaks a story and that also goes with characterization. Ask yourself who is Mi Joo? How does she behave? Why does she behave this way? Then narrate it.

Suggestion: I've always wanted a boyfriend. I know it might sound pathetic but I think... I think love is quite pretty, you know? I've always wanted this type of person who likes me for me. I know I'm not special but to this person I am. And that. That would be wonderful.

I know, my suggestion is messy, but it gives the "I" character. Self awareness and hopeless romanticism.

Suggestion: [You said something about Mi Joo layering her clothes.] Jonghyun point of view: Mi Joo looks bad. Not really bad. But... ummm... maybe a bit bad? I don't know what she's trying to hide under those layer of clothes.

Here is a minor detail but pushing it forward gives your reader something to think about. Is Mi Joo insecure? I think you should think about your characters and shape them completely before you present them. Then think of ways how her attitude translate into the story.

TITLE

[kay_tea114: As I noted before: trite.]

I, on the other hand, see nothing wrong with your title. I think it's a good hook and it interests the audience you want to have. But I think the homeless part is a bit downplayed in the story. I wished there was more to it than just something to get them together.



End Notes: In summary, I think what your fic needs is care and patience and I do hope we have pointed you in the right direction. Please feel free to contact me or Taey for any clarifications or if you wish to discuss your fic more.

Letter Grade: C

Thank you for submitting your story at Changtastic!

Yours,
secretseven