Hi! You thought I was dead, right? Well yes, I am and I'm now a zombie. Sorry for not updating (but i never really update regularly, so this is kind of normal). Life got in the way. So I give you permission to throw bricks. :) This was supposed to be published for Kyusung day. but I missed it. orz

Disclaimers:
-The idols are not mine, but they will be very soon. *dodges brick* No, they belong to their agency (SMEnt.)
-English isn't ny native tongue so do expect some gramattical errors. Yes, I'm looking at you, Grammar Nazi.

To the five who upvoted: Tifane, Eggums, ILiveForJongwoon, KangminBread, and Happie... THANK YOU! i'll throw some cake your way later. :) To the people who subscribed, unsubscribed, and are reading this story right now, Thanks in advance for reading! :D

Yeah, I guess that's it for now. Enjoy,

-Akira ♥

It was past dinner time and the three vocalists of Super Junior were on their way home. Kyuhyun and Jongwoon was at the second row holding each other’s hand and drifting on and off to sleep while Ryeowook was beside the manager who was driving the van, talking about their schedule. They just got done with a fan signing event in Daegu and were at the highway going to back to Seoul.

Jongwoon was leaning his head against the younger’s shoulders and Kyuhyun couldn’t resist taking in the alluring scent of coffee that was coming from his hyung like he bathes on espresso every single day. He also couldn’t help feeling his hyung’s small soft hand that was being covered with his own.

Then he felt like he was flying; his insides feel like they were floating and in front of him he sees bright lights and the panicked look on Ryeowook’s face.

Then everything was engulfed in light

Kyuhyun eyes shot open. He was breathing heavily, his heart was pounding and he was drenched in sweat. This was the third time this week that he had that same dream since he got home from Cheonan. He reached for his phone and looked at the blinking neon lights that said 2:00AM. He sighed and waited for his pounding heartbeat to calm down.

“Well, so much for a good night’s rest.” The maknae muttered to himself while getting up. It was going to be another long day.

“Okay everyone, we’re starting in…” the clapper holding the slate was announcing to signal the start of the shooting.

“Three…”

Okay Kyuhyun. Millions of people are watching. Happy thoughts. Kyuhyun kept reminding himself.

“Two…”

Goodbye, Kyuhyun-sshi.

“One…”

Goddamnit! Smile you little !

*clap*

“It’s good to have you back Kyuhyun-ah. What have you been up to these past weeks?” the MC asked the maknae.

“The company wanted me to take a break because I’ve been working too much and it was affecting my health. But now I’m back and happy to see everyone.” Kyuhyun cheerfully answers and politely bows; starting the show.

Goodbye, Kyuhyun-sshi.

The single phrase playing itself on repeat on the train ride on his way back to Seoul. He didn’t know what he looked like going back. But if the surprised –or worried– faces of his hyungs when he passed through the doorway were anything to go by, then he didn’t look too good.  The feeling was different than when he left for Cheonan days ago. Back then he felt like he was sinking. Like every passing moment was pulling him down deeper. He felt too tired, too tired to move, to eat, even to talk. But he always found it hard to fall asleep. Now it was different, but was not any better. It doesn’t feel like sinking anymore; but rather it felt like his heart was being stabbed every time he thinks about him– which was every waking moment.

It has been one week since.

It has been exactly 1 month since he fainted on set and was given a vacation. Though he was given a more vacation time to recuperate from stress, he opted to return to work after the first month. As much as he wanted to brood and waste his days sulking; seeing his hyungs worry over him was making him more depressed than he actually was.

He was getting good at faking happiness. So good that he was actually starting to believe that he really was happy. He would happily greet his manager and his coordi-noona when he sees them in the early hours of the morning for his schedule. He would laugh at his hyungs when they made a good joke and make fun of said hyungs if their joke . He would call up his Kyu-line when he needed drinking buddies.

Rinse and repeat.

No one would believe that inside, every single moment was driving him crazy.

Everyone knows Kyuhyun is not a morning person. But how would he wake up feeling homicidal if he didn’t get any sleep in the first place? Every night he has been tossing and turning in his bed in hopes to find that one heavenly position that would make him fall asleep. But his thoughts keep going back to that one person or he’d have another weird dream that he couldn’t make anything of. No sleep was made every night that it happened; and no sleep means he’d have to drink ungodly amounts of coffee to keep himself awake, but it would make him as hyper as Sunny and Donghae put together when they have a sugar rush.

Every moment spent with his hyungs were a constant reminder that Jongwoon wasn’t there; every time he makes fun of his hyungs, he remembers how Jongwoon smacks him behind the head for being mean to his hyungs or that he would act sad so that Jongwoon would forgive him and be more affectionate than usual. He’d laugh and tease his hyungs or give a witty retort, only to brace himself for a smack in the head that would never come.

Every time he calls his Kyu-line, it meant that they were going to go out to eat, or drink a lot of wine until they fell asleep, then it’d become a sleepover. But whatever it is they were doing, they would often end up talking about relationships and how they weren’t getting any younger; which will end in the topic of Kyuhyun being the only one who didn’t have anyone because they had girlfriends, or a boyfriend in Minho’s case. As much as Kyuhyun wanted to tell them that he’d been happily in love for seven years, he can’t; without raising a few eyebrows and being called delusional.

Rinse and repeat.

The only time of the day that Kyuhyun was able to let go is when everyone is asleep. Since the maknae couldn’t get any sleep, he would always go to the rooftop with a blanket and just stare at the night sky. Looking up at the moon and the stars which look like glittering gems that shine bright in a sea of black. This is one of the rare times when he’d be honest with himself and cry until he fell asleep so that nobody inside could hear him. But the downside was when he wakes up; his back was going to kill him.

And when he thought it couldn’t get any worse, it did.

It was just after lunch. He was the first one home after finishing his schedule. It wasn’t as tightly packed as everyone else’s because the management was still being lenient with him because of the whole exhaustion incident. He sat down immediately on the sofa and tried to massage his stiff shoulders. He could still feel the soreness in his muscles from when he slept at the rooftop earlier that day so he didn’t really want to move. Since his massage wasn’t doing anything to ease his soreness, he tried lying down on the floor. Near the window and stared out in the sky, as he usually does.

He likes staring at the sky. It makes thinking easier. It was like he was seeing his thoughts in the sky above him. He regretted his decision when he felt his eyes were b with tears. Whenever he was left alone, all his thoughts would go back to what happened before. He’d imagine his life with Jongwoon, their years together, how happy they were. It was starting to feel like everything were a dream, or in his case, a nightmare that he couldn’t wake up from. He didn’t know when he closed his eyes but when he opened them, he was met by the gaze of two curious eyes courtesy of Lee Sungmin as he was staring from above the maknae.

The older winced when Kyuhyun let out a scream so loud that the receptionist from the other building might’ve heard him.

“Wow that hurt.” Sungmin’s ears were still ringing from how loud the maknae’s scream was.

“Sorry hyung. I thought I was alone, and then you came out of nowhere.” Kyuhyun says apologetic but also amazed at how he made a sound like that.

The feeling in his ears going back to normal, the older smiled at Kyuhyun. “Sorry, it was my fault. But you should get up. They’ll be back soon.” He tells his dongsaeng while helping him get up.

Kyuhyun looked at the clock and was surprised that a few hours had already passed. When he got up, he felt that his back was stiff because of lying down on the cold floor. But he tried to hide the fact from his hyung and went with him to the kitchen to eat lunch.

Kyuhyun never believed in anything that didn’t involve logic or rational thought. There was one time when he watched a program that said humans have innate psychic power. Some called it gut feeling; some called it women’s intuition. Kyuhyun called it crap. But for some reason, the moment Kyuhyun saw Sungmin that afternoon; he felt that something was off.

The feeling was new to him and it never left him. He was scared and anxious at the same time but he didn’t know why. It was unexplainable and it was scaring him. But of course, he couldn’t say that out loud. He didn’t want to be a bother. The maknae looked at Sungmin who was across him from the table. Nothing seemed wrong; he was eating quietly and was occasionally trying to make small talk. Kyuhyun was so nervous that he would respond with a yes or a no and the conversation would end there; only to start again when Sungmin asks another question. That was broken when they heard someone open the door. It was Heechul.

“Is anybody here?” the diva asked, wondering where everybody was. When he arrived at the 12^th floor, no one was there so he went downstairs only to be met with an empty living room. The only sign that there was someone in the room was the smell of the reheated food that was wafting around.

“Hyung, we’re in the kitchen!” Sungmin shouted. Kyuhyun noticed his unusual tone which sounded like he was startled or worried. It didn’t help the weird feeling building up in the pits of his gut.

“I thought no one’s here.” Heechul came in smiling and made his way to the fridge to look for something to eat. While rummaging the stocked fridge, he absentmindedly asked the aegyo prince “Did you tell him already?”

When the maknae heard that, he looked at Sungmin who was sporting a look that was far from his usually calm self.  “Tell me what?”

Heechul, realizing what had happened, abruptly stopped and looked at the two. “Oh… sorry; I thought you already… uhh… I should leave you two alone.” Hastily making his way towards the door.  

“What’s going on, hyung?” Kyuhyun asked again. This time, he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to hear the answer. By the looks of things, whatever it is that Sungmin was having a hard time saying, it was not good. “Well… uh.”

“Tell me already.” Kyuhyun was starting to become impatient. Sungmin closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m going to enlist soon.”

Those words made Kyuhyun’s heart sink. As much as he wished that he heard wrong, he couldn’t because the quiet kitchen just made him hear his hyung’s words loud and clear. He couldn’t even say anything. He just stared at his hyung for a good few seconds.

 “When?” He asked after he found his voice again.

“In a few weeks.” Sungmin answered sadly.

Kyuhyun kind of understood why Sungmin was being careful with his words. He didn’t like it one bit. It just showed him that no matter how hard he tried to be okay, his hyungs will always look at him like a fragile piece of glass that’ll break with the softest hit. He doesn’t want them to worry about him anymore, especially this hyung who’s always been there for him.

“Okay. Then congratulations, hyung.” Kyuhyun answered with his trademark grin and a chuckle. “It must be tough on Youngwoon hyung, though. Have you told him yet?”

“He’s going to be fine. We talked about it last night.” Sungmin sounded relieved, knowing that the maknae was taking it so well.

“Where are you going?” Sungmin asked when the maknae stood up and walked out of the room.

Kyuhyun looked back and answered. “To my room.”

“But you haven’t finished your lunch yet.”

“I feel sleepy.” The younger yawned. “Can you clean that up for me, hyung?” he added before walking out of the kitchen.

He was doing his best to hold back his tears. He didn’t even have the privilege of crying in his own room because of the fact that said reason for crying was his roommate. First he loses Jongwoon without any idea how it happened or how to get him back, and now he is going to lose his best friend in a few weeks. The only person who has kept him sane within the all this time, the only person who knows what he’s feeling even if he tries to hide it is leaving for two years; and he’ll have no one left.

It feels like he was going to go crazy.

That night, Kyuhyun left the dorms and spent the night at his house.

As much as it hurt, he tried avoiding his hyung. Of course he didn’t make it obvious. He still talked to his hyung, shared jokes and laughs, but he always kept it short. Sungmin’s last few weeks flew by for everyone, and before he knew it, Sungmin was leaving in the morning. He regretted avoiding his hyung for the past three weeks. It was just that he didn’t know what to say without crying like a spoiled child. But seeing his hyung with his hair cut and in his uniform just made everything seem so final.

His best friend was leaving for two years and there’s nothing he could do about it.

He couldn’t even bring himself to bid Sungmin goodbye that morning.

Sungmin spent the night at his home to be with his family and he was going to go back to the dorms to pick up his things and say goodbye to everyone. Kyuhyun didn’t want to face him so he just stayed inside his room until the coast is clear. He even told the others that he was not feeling well so that they won’t ask any questions.

He was just staring at the ceiling of his room; he used to call it “their room” but the lack of pink on the other side of the room just made it painfully clear that Sungmin wasn’t there anymore. Of course, he tried to be rational about it and repeatedly told himself that his hyung won’t be completely gone and that he was going to come back or that they could always call him. But the small, irrationally clingy and childish part of him was not satisfied by that.

He was intently listening for the commotion from the living room his room to pass. Half of him wants for it to become quiet already, which meant that Sungmin has left; but the other half doesn’t want it to end. Actually, the other half just wants his hyung to stay. Kyuhyun facepalmed himself of because how childish he sounded. His heart started beating faster because the house became silent. It was like everyone suddenly disappeared.

He did expect it to become quiet. But what he didn’t expect was for his door to be opened by none other than Sungmin.

“What? So you’re not going to even say bye to me?” Sungmin says from the doorway, with one of his eyebrows raised.

Kyuhyun was caught off guard by the sudden appearance of his hyung that none of his words even registered. His heart was pounding and he really wanted nothing more than to cry right then and there but he knows he couldn’t. He couldn’t even look at his hyung. He might just break down if he did.

“Sorry, hyung. I was busy playing.” He tried to chuckle to show that he was fine but his throat won’t let him even do that. It sounded like he was coughing instead.

Hold it in, Kyu. Just a little longer.  The maknae thought to himself. He wanted it to be over so he could wallow in agony alone, and in peace.

“Well, I guess this is it. Take care of yourself, hyung.” Kyuhyun said, almost failing to steady his voice.

The younger was almost at his limit. His was holding it in so much that his chest was hurting. He even wondered if people could really die from literal heartache. He was praying to every deity, god, or whoever he could pray to for his hyung to just leave. Alas, he wasn’t heard.

“Can I at least have a hug before I go? I’ll miss you.”

And, he broke.

At that moment, Kyuhyun didn’t care if he looked stupid or if his hyung’s uniform would get wet, which it did, or if his hyungs would hear his wailing, or even if Kangin saw them. All he wanted to do was to just let go of what was in his chest; every bit of sadness, hurt, and all the confusion that he had ever since he woke up that morning without Jongwoon by his side.

Sungmin was his best friend, his pillar. He wanted him to stay so badly that his vice grip of a hug might hurt his hyung. But as of the moment, he really didn’t care.

“ you… Why couldn’t you… just leave?” The maknae said softly between sobs while burying his head on his hyung’s shoulders.

“I couldn’t leave yet. I was worried about you, actually.” The older replied while rubbing Kyuhyun’s back for comfort. “But seeing you now, I think I could leave without any worries.”

“What do you mean?” Kyuhyun asked, having calmed down, but was not yet letting go of the older. Kyuhyun was genuinely lost. He doesn’t get how crying like a lunatic and acting like a clingy spoiled child make Sungmin worry less about leaving.

“What I mean is that you always keep things to yourself.” Sungmin answers while playing with the younger’s hair.

“Okay, I know I’m smart. But can you please explain more. I’m lost.” Kyuhyun finally let go.

“Ever since you came back you’ve always been crying on the rooftop. You’ve been pretending that you’re fine even if you really aren’t. You even tried to stay away from me when you found out that I was enlisting. Then you either go to your house or go back to the rooftop to cry your eyes out.” Sungmin told him exasperatedly.

Kyuhyun wanted to explain. But right now, he was still surprised that his hyung knew all this time what he did.

“How did you find out about that?” It was the only thing that he could ask.

“When people care about you, they tend to notice everything.” Sungmin gives the maknae a tender smile and it made Kyuhyun want to cry again.

“Yeah, and would you believe it was Donghae that saw you in the rooftop? He’s been following you to the rooftop every time you went there until you fell asleep.” Sungmin’s face pensive, thinking about Donghae’s worried expression when he came to him one day and told him about the maknae.

Kyuhyun, on the other hand, couldn’t believe what he was hearing. This whole time, he was being watched over by his brothers. Though he was touched that his brothers got his back; it was also unnerving to know that he was being watched the whole time.

“But why didn’t you talk to me about it?” Kyuhyun was still absorbing what his hyung was telling him.

“That’s because I wanted you to tell me.” Sungmin comes in for another hug and Kyuhyun was silenced; another round of tears blurring his vision. He instinctively returns the embrace.

“Everyone’s here for you. You just have to let them in.” The older tightened his embrace.

Kyuhyun’s chest felt a lot lighter after that but his tears didn’t stop; especially when he felt Sungmin release his arms around him. Which only meant that their time is up; it’s time for him to go. Kyuhyun immediately regretted avoiding his hyung for the past three weeks. He was regretting a lot of things right now, if he were honest with himself.  And he was coming to terms with it little by little.

“Hyung, you look weird with no hair.” Kyuhyun deadpans as he was wiping off his tears.

“Ah, and you cry like a baby. Welcome back, Kyuhyunnie.” Sungmin smiles while straightening his clothes. “So, I’ll be going now. Take care of yourself, okay?”

“Yes, mother. Actually, you fuss more than my mom.” Kyuhyun drawled out.

“Whatever. If you think I’m fussy. Then you just wait until Siwon gets started.” Sungmin warns him and ruffles his already ruined hair. With that he takes his leave and Kyuhyun follows him out the living room only to find out that everyone was there. He joined them in the living room and bid Sungmin goodbye.

And just like that, Sungmin was gone.

As much as Kyuhyun wanted to be depressed about what happened, he couldn’t find any time or place to be. It was a rest day and everyone spent the whole day in the dormitory. They ordered lunch, watched movies, played around –which was mostly Eunhyuk, Donghae and Siwon fooling around– and talked about anything and everything. To his embarrassment, everyone did hear his little episode and everyone did their best to rub it in his face that Sungmin will come back after a month after his training since he’ll be doing his service in Seoul.

Though he swore revenge against everyone in the near future, he was honestly thankful that his hyungs kept an eye out for him. But really, being watched without him noticing was really creepy and very stalker-like. He reminded himself to watch out for any guy that may follow him around.

They didn’t even notice that it was almost midnight. They only noticed when Heechul went out mentioning something about beauty sleep and a busy schedule in the morning, which everyone also had.

He just got done with his nightly routine and was starting his laptop when somebody knocked on his door. It turns out; it was Kangin; which surprised the maknae since the racoon lived on the 12^th floor.

“Hey, I just need to find something in Minnie’s closet.” Kangin sheepishly said after being let in. Kyuhyun let the older man go through Sungmin’s closet.

Several minutes passed and Kangin was still searching for god knows what and his frustration was becoming more evident through the groans and grunts that the older was muttering to himself. Kyuhyun decided to end his suffering and help.

“What are you looking for, hyung?” He gets off the bed and squats down to level with his frustrated hyung.

“I’m looking for a shirt.” Youngwoon answered as he was digging through a closet full of shirts; and Kyuhyun was positive that the older won’t be finding it soon if he didn’t lend a hand.

After several more minutes of digging through an endless amount of clothes; Kyuhyun was asking himself how was it possible that that amount of clothing fit in that small closet. While the only thing that he was told was it was a pink shirt. Which made Kyuhyun face palm himself and groan; because for him, looking for a pink shirt in Sungmin’s closet was like looking for a needle in a stack of, well… needles.

“Okay, hyung. If you want us to move on with our lives, there must be something else on that shirt that can at least help us.” Kyuhyun was also getting stressed about the shirt. Contemplating on whether or not just throwing the whole closet out of the room together with the racoon hyung but that would be too harsh, even for his standards.

Just then, Kangin snapped his fingers and almost shouted because he remembered a vital piece of information regarding the shirt.

“Aha! It had a blue cat!” He was smiling and it dawned on Kyuhyun what pink shirt Youngwoon was looking for.

“Hyung, isn’t it that one?” Kyuhyun lazily pointed on the pink oversized t-shirt with a winking Doraemon printed on it that was hanging on the wall beside the closet. When Kangin saw the shirt, it took him a few seconds to look back at his clearly irritated dongsaeng and give him a sheepish grin.

“I’ll help you clean up, yeah?” Kangin chuckled. And Kyuhyun could only sigh.

“So, how are you?” Kangin asks as he sat on the floor, folding the shirts that he haphazardly threw on the floor earlier in a desperate search for Sungmin’s shirt; while Kyuhyun was on the bed doing the same.

“Well, aside from the drama that I showed you this morning, I’m actually fine.” Kyuhyun still wanting to dig himself a hole to live on every time he remembers how much of a girl he was that morning and all the teasing that he got from his hyungs afterwards.

“Minnie did seem less worried when he left earlier.” Youngwoon sounded relieved himself.

“What about you hyung? How are you doing?” Kyuhyun decided to ask. If he had a hard time himself, he couldn’t imagine how his hyung went through it; he was the boyfriend.

“I’m fine. At first I wasn’t but after a few weeks of clinging and talking, and him drilling it into me that he was going to come back after a month; I became fine with it.” The older chuckled while remembering his little possessive episodes with Sungmin, and winced every time he remembered Sungmin elbowing him in the gut whenever he became too attached.

He had a question he wanted to ask Sungmin before but didn’t get a chance. But he figured, this hyung could also give him an answer.

“Hyung, why did Minnie leave now?”

“Simply put, he felt like it was time.” It might sound cliché, but that was really what Sungmin told him when he asked. And boy, he asked a lot of times.

Lee Sungmin is a walking contradiction. He is girly yet manly, he’s an open book but yet he has a lot of secrets. There are times when Lee Sungmin is as complicated as Heechul’s closet, but there are also times when he’s very simple to understand. Maybe that was why Youngwoon fell for the pink loving young man.

“That didn’t help, really.” Kyuhyun sighed in disappointment.

“You’re just tired. You’ll understand eventually.” Youngwoon stands up after putting in the last folded piece of clothing in the closet. He grabbed the shirt that hung on the wall and inhaled the scent of his lover that was left in the shirt.

“That’s creepy, hyung.” Kyuhyun looked at his hyung with a weird expression.

“Whatever. Go to sleep, princess. Goodnight.” Kangin chuckled before leaving the room, expertly dodging a pillow thrown his way.

“Hmm… It was time, huh.” Were some the maknae’s musings before he drifted off to sleep.

In the end, the day he’s been dreading since three weeks ago didn’t turn out so bad.

None of the two knew that on the next room, Ryeowook was left staring at the ceiling, immersed once again in his own thoughts.

Ah, it was his time… then that makes things much easier then. Ryeowook chuckled before drifting off to sleep himself.

A/N:

Drop a comment if you wish. Me loves comments. :3
And could someone tell me what genre is this story. and the rating as well. Because I don't know. :D

Thanks,

-Akira ♥