Rainy Night

iamforgotten

It's a rainy night once again and here I am, all alone. Somehow, I am always alone during times like this. And, somehow, this is where I always find myself. No matter what I do, no matter what I think, I always wander back here.

I am standing before him.

No, not before him. Before his grave. Before this big block of granite that we dubbed as his final resting place.

The people I know tell me that he is at a better place now. I know that much, though. I just wish that he would've taken me with him, instead of leaving me to wander to myself, to cry by myself. Sometimes, I want to be mad at him and hate him. But I can never do that.

I can never do that.

I still love him.

I fall to my knees, clutching my chest in hope that the action can ease the pain even just a bit. It doesn't, though. Doing such only worsens the hurt I have in my heart. Doing such only makes me feel that I was left alone.

He left me alone.

And I wonder why I am still breathing.

He – he was – is – my life. I think I was able to let him know. I think I was able to make him feel that. But if I was successful, why did he have to push me away when, in fact, he needed me?

Oppa – it's raining again.

Does this mean that he is crying with me? Does this mean that he can feel me? Can he feel me? Can he feel the pain that I have in my heart? Can he?

Can you?

I swear to God, I will give anything to turn back time. I swear that I will do anything to have him with me. I swear, I will offer my life for him to walk this earth again. I swear. God, I swear. With all my human heart. I swear.

I try to call his name again, one last time. Maybe he'll answer. Maybe he'll pity me and decide to stand up and hold me again. Maybe he'll choose to live again if I call him hard enough, and loud enough. Maybe he'll hear me and come back.

It doesn't do anything, though. He is already gone. He's gone, and there's nothing I can do about it anymore. He's gone.

I fall to the ground still, now soaking wet from the rain. I can't feel the coldness, though. Instead, I feel numb. I guess I am already accustomed to feeling this cold that I can not really sense it anymore.

Is that it?

Is that a sign?

Should I just go and leave and never turn back? Should I just move on? Should I? More importantly, can I?

I continue to cry the whole time it is raining and I embrace myself, pretending that it is Junsu's arms around me. I embrace myself as I collected the broken pieces of my heart from his grave before moving on my feet.

It's a rainy night once again and here I am, all alone. Here I am, crying as if there is no more tomorrow, as if the storm will wipe everything out, as if it can bring me to him. It's a rainy night again, and just like every rainy night before, I stand before him.

I still love you.

this is the sequel to forgiveness. yes. that one was confusing. but were you able to get that it's in junsu's pov? the italicized words that are separated from the paragraphs are the spoken words. the first line is liyin, the next italicized line is junsu's and it alternates from there. forgiveness is chaotic because it focuses on junsu's thoughts and thoughts are never clear and straightened out. so yeah. furthermore, junsu is trying to make himself believe that liyin doesn't love him or need him. the reason is in this one. ^_^