Forgiveness

iamforgotten

Forgive me.


I remembered what you asked of me as you held my hands in yours. You held them tightly as if you were holding onto life itself. It couldn't have been that, I knew. I wasn't your life. I never had, and never will be.


You asked me to forgive you for loving me, yet being with someone else. You asked me to forgive you for being happy. You asked me for forgiveness.


Ask me for anything but that, Liyin ah. I can never forgive you.


I lied. It was the first time I ever lied to you. It was the first time for you – but lying had been a norm to me. I had been lying to myself for sometime now. I had been lying ever since you said you'd give me a chance. Lying had become a part of my daily life. I didn't want to lie, but it was the only choice for me.


You don't understand – I love you, not him.


There was a different reason for me. I wasn't mad at you because you wanted to be with someone else. I wasn't angry because I couldn't make you happy. I wasn't hurt because I wasn't the one for you. I wasn't. But you wouldn't understand if I told you my reason, so I kept it inside. I let it engulf me slowly, until it was my own foolishness that was eating me alive.


I wasn't mad at you, you just wouldn't understand.


I don't care.


Please, I was begging inside. Please don't let her be hurt with my words. I asked God to make you angry at me. I hoped for you to hate me. You had to hate me after everything I've done. You had to hate me so I wouldn't be able to hurt you anymore. Please, God. Make her hate me.


I was pretending. I knew you could see right through me– but I wished that you wouldn't. I was pretending and I was scared because I didn't know how to do it. I was afraid because I didn't want to hurt you. No, not you. Hurting you was the last thing I ever wanted to do in my life. Just leave the pain to me.


This is not a game, Oppa.


No, it wasn't a game. Nothing was a game when it included you. I used to play around, but that was before you came into my life. I used to think that everything was a game. I used to. Not anymore. You made me change without me noticing it. You made me into a better man than I could ever be if you weren't with me.


Just leave.


I told you to leave me. Leave and don't turn back. I said that I wouldn't be there anymore if you turned back. I wouldn't be there anymore. I would have already gone. I started to turn, you wouldn't go, so I decided to just do it myself. I turned and shook your hands off me. I started to walk but you came after me and wrapped me in your warmth.


Go. I don't want to see you again.


I closed my eyes as I said those words. I tried my best to control the shaking and the tears. I couldn't breathe because I knew that it was goodbye. I couldn't think because every time I tried, all I could think of was you. I couldn't open my eyes because you were the only one I saw.


Oppa, I love you.


I love you, too. I wanted to answer. I wanted to yell it out. I wanted to tell the world that I loved no one else but you. But I couldn't. I would have but I didn't want to be selfish anymore. I couldn't stand being selfish anymore. I love you so much. That was why I asked you to leave. That was why I couldn't forgive you, so you would hate me and be happy with someone else.


You asked me for forgiveness. I couldn't. I was never angry in the first place. You asked for forgiveness– let me do the same.


Forgive me. I thought over and over. I wanted to say the words. Forgive me for loving you like this. But I couldn't say those words. So for the very last time before I ran into the darkness of life without you, I whispered two words that I thought would help you get over me.


I'm sorry.

this piece is very, very chaotic and raw. and that's what i like about it. it almost doesn't make sense too.