At that point, I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing. With the showcase performance still locked in my head, Jongin’s talents and everything, that statement falling out of his mouth led me to believe that his dream for me, what was slowly becoming my dream, would soon be coming to a close.

But not with the way you’d think.

Jongin stood there silently, watching my expressions form into something completely different from the proud, beaming one it was just minutes ago. Slowly, his hands inched to hold mine, swinging them lightly. “I’m sorry, Kyungsoo.”

I shook my head. “There’s always going back to writing.”

“What?” He sounded startled. “That’s not what I meant. Why would you ever think your group couldn’t beat mine? You’re so talented, Kyungsoo, so improved from what you used to be, all sing and no dance. There has to be a reason they picked you first to debut, right?” he whispered into my ear, holding my hands tight, cold with discouragement.

I nodded weakly. I couldn’t really move, couldn’t digest. This started out as following Jongin’s footsteps, but even with my horrible dance instructor and less than friendly members—minus Kwangbae, I was attached to him—it was growing into my dream, my wish to debut.

Jongin deserved it so much more.

But I was too selfish to give it up for him to grab.

I couldn’t do that now, not so deep into this.

I was six feet under, and Jongin was just starting his burial.

No words were spoken after that. We did our usual routine of holding hands in the way to car, but no gestures or verbal messages were given. The radio of the car softly played pop music, drowning out the uncomfortable silence between the two of us. I wanted to crawl into a crawl into a hole, shrivel up, and die.

I felt so bad. I wasn’t exactly sure why I did, either. Maybe it was just because I wasn’t willing to give it up all for it; he would have to fight. Maybe because I knew he could trample me in the race to the stage and the promotions as “S.M’s newest group”.

We both walked into my apartment together, Jongin still dressed up in his leather jacket and red pants and me in my hangover disguise. Looking back, we looked bizarre as a couple on that day. But I certainly didn’t feel like we were one, either.

The routine of getting ready for bed was performed; Jongin showered, I brushed my teeth and got curled up in the sheets, clad in my most comfortable pajamas. I was half asleep when my boyfriend finally made it to bed, jumping in his side and hesitantly putting an arm around me. I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t deserve to be mad at him; was it his fault he was so gifted?

I went with the opposite. I moved into his hold, his soft t-shirt so I could press my cheek against the skin just above his heart. I could hear Jongin’s heartbeat, pumping every second or so, an even rate soon slowing down as he relaxed and drifted into unconsciousness. I, however, couldn’t sleep. I was so troubled, and I didn’t really understand why.

My emotions were too jumbled to think coherently, but one thing was for sure.

I could debut, and so could Jongin.

But only one would be able to make it to the stage.

~*~

The next morning, I woke up to Jongin still next to me. The cold weather brought a cloudy sky and no sun to be seen, so it was still partly dark. I was in the same position I eventually fell asleep in, shirt in fist and everything. I had never been able to sleep completely still, especially not when I was troubled.

I let go of his shirt, watching the fabric un-crumple and return to its original position. I sighed heavily, feeling Jongin’s soft breaths through his nose against my cheek. I tilted my head up to kiss the base of his chin, refusing to get up and leave his warm, loving arms. I couldn’t right now.

All of last night’s memories flooded my once content brain, and I suddenly remembered everything. The showcase, the news, those awkward silences throughout the car. Everything was now present, but I tried as hard as I could to tune it all out and focus on Jongin, who was slowly waking up.

When I had to wake him up early, he was a grumpy mess. But when he woke up naturally, he was perfect.

Well, besides the bedhead and morning breath.

He sighed, his voice raspy and short as he kissed me on the forehead with his freshly wetted lips. “Morning, beautiful,” he whispered, erasing the distance between our bodies as he pulled me closer. “Did you finally get to sleep last night?”

I nodded. “It took a couple hours, but yeah, I did.”

Jongin was silent for a second. “Are you sure you’re okay with this whole debut thing? Because I can turn them down if you want,” he assured me, but that didn’t settle right with me.

“Why would I make you do that? This is your shot, Jongin, this is what you’re here for,” I explained. “I would never make you give it up for me. I’m sure you would give up me for dancing, anyway,” I sighed, facing the reality. Dancing was his life. He exercised for hours so he wouldn’t get so tired, just so he could dance more.

Jongin scoffed. “Never. You mean more to me than moving my arms and legs around.”

He held me tight for a few more minute, both of us staring at the slowly rotating ceiling fan above our heads, before we finally stood up and got ready for a lazy Saturday.

I did feel a little better.

But it wasn’t enough to ease my anxiety.

~*~

“Your group, have you debut, will be called Echo.”

All five of us were silent as our vocal teacher read off information Lee Sooman had informed him to tell us when he had us for class. We stood there, rocking and shifting on our feet, sharing our opinions to no one on the things he told us.

“Your fan club name and color have yet to be decided, and you will be going against Dynamic, a group with two boys and one girl, for your chance to debut. While you boys have the same basic idea of DBSK before their spilt and SHINee, your sunbaes, Dynamic is a completely new idea, and you therefore have to step it up to get the country’s attention.”

No one spoke. It was silent.

“I wish you all the best of luck with your dream. Now, let’s match pitch.”

The new name didn’t bother me as much as the information about Jongin’s group. I had no idea a girl would be involved with this, too. Jongin’s classes had been changed as soon as he had walked in the door this morning, and I saw someone, confused, ask if he was heading the same way.

I saw no girl, though.

And the fact that Jongin was straight—gay for me, but otherwise straight—had me infuriated.

Jongin wasn’t someone to cheat, though. He had been faithful to me since day one in that library when we first met, but the fact that he still had a thing for girls (I’ll even admit to catching him in the act of staring at a few on the street) didn’t settle fantastic with me.

This whole thing felt uncomfortable. Now I wanted more for my dream to come true, just so I didn’t have to worry about their relationship. Of course, they could stay in touch outside of SM… I just couldn’t win anymore, and that really bothered me.

I was unfocused the entire class, as well as my Mandarin class, where I felt my jean’s pocket vibrate. I was the only one who heard it, and my teacher had her back turned, so I quickly duck my head to my lap to read the text.

I’m going to go see Sehun after classes. The car will be gone. Love you. –Jongin

I sighed and tucked my phone back in my pocket. This was an occasional occurrence, but it wasn’t bizarre when, out of the blue, Jongin wanted to go see Sehun. Check on his flowers, make sure his tombstone wasn’t cracking, that kind of thing. But he and I both knew it was to talk. Though kind of strange, talking to the dead is almost like the real life thing.

At six, instead of staying to practice my dancing or vocals, I just went straight home. I wasn’t in the mood to go with the other four for pizza. I wasn’t even willing to socialize with my instructors for missing yesterday. I just said I was hung over and walked away.

When all of my sticky clothes were off and I was in sweatpants and one of Jongin’s softest sweatshirts, I curled up on the couch and grabbed the TV remote, surfing until I found some kind of game show. I shrugged and settled on it, until my cell phone rang shortly after I started watching.

The caller ID was from Chanyeol. I smiled and grabbed it off of the coffee table. I answered. “Hey, Chanyeol. What’s going on?”

Chanyeol’s ridiculous, deep voice came back to meet him. “Hey. I’m just calling to tell you that we’re having a casual rehearsal on the 13^th,” he explained, some sort of muffled background noise following.

My eyebrows furrowed, connecting at the bridge of my nose. “Rehearsal? For what?”

“Did you seriously forget?” Chanyeol laughed. “Man, you’re pretty thought deprived with all that idol business. The wedding, you moron!” he teased, and I instantly felt like the biggest moron in all of Korea. I shook my head at my own stupidity.

“Of course,” I sighed. “Can I bring Jongin?”

“Is he coming to the real thing?”

“He’ll be sitting with the other guests, but yeah, he’ll be there.”

“Then go ahead,” Chanyeol said with a smile. I smiled, before I suddenly thought of something, making a smirk grow on my face.

“Wait, your wedding’s the day after, right? Saturday?”

“Uh, yeah.”

“So you’re having your rehearsal on Friday the 13^th?”

He paused. “.”

I laughed. “Just make sure no black cats jump onto the aisle or you use any ladders.”

“Will do,” he promised, and I could almost imagine his dorky face beaming. “I’m more nervous than I thought I would be, Kyungsoo. I mean, Baekhyun’s out going to fix the flower arrangements, and I just… don’t know if I can do this. I’m devoting my life to him. Forever.”

I smiled. “Are you seriously doubting your relationship with the boy you won’t let go of unless you have to? Won’t waste a day away from? Trust me, Chanyeol. You’re ready. You’ve found him.”

He chuckled. “Thanks, Soo. So how’s your idol life coming along?”

Horrible, I wanted to say. I’m minutes away from quitting and going back to writing, I could’ve said to. But I didn’t. “Not so great,” I sighed. “Either my group is going to debut or Jongin’s, so we have to go against each other. I don’t like how we’re basically battling ourselves.”

Chanyeol sighed deeply, like he was thinking. He paused, and it was so long that Kyungsoo thought they had lost connection or something, until his voice appeared, a lot softer. “Like you said, Soo. I’ve found him, and so have you. You’re not that far, but it’s to the point where you can’t let go of him anymore. So what would you rather do? Be famous, or have your true love forever?”

“True love.”

“Think about what you just said. Is this worth losing Jongin?”

I shook my head, but then remembered he couldn’t see. “No.”

“That’s what I thought. Don’t worry about it. Even if you don’t make it big, you still have him, and that’s the main thing, right?” he asked. It was weird seeing the serious, helpful side of Chanyeol. I’m more accustomed to the crazy one with the eye twitch and incessant laugh.

“Yeah, it is. Thanks, Chanyeol.”

“No sweat. Anyway, I have to get more of these invitations made. I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

“Yeah, you will. Bye, Chanyeol.”

“Bye.”

Not thirty seconds after I hung up with my best friend, the door clicked open, revealing a bundled up Jongin, scarf up to his chin and his nose a bright pink. He saw me sitting on the couch and grinned under his fabric mountain otherwise known as his body, taking off his shoes and removing all of his jackets. He was down to the t-shirt he started with earlier that morning when he came over to me, joining me on the couch and wrapping his frigid arms around me. “Hi, baby.”

“Hey. You a little cold?”

Jongin nodded, and I laughed, taking off his rightfully owned sweatshirt and letting him put it on. He seemed to get much calmer after that, and he slipped an arm around my shoulders, a hand resting on my thigh. My head hit the crook of his neck, and we sat like that for a while.

I was the first to talk. “I talked to Chanyeol on the phone.”

Jongin hummed. “Did you?”

I nodded. “There’s a wedding rehearsal the day before, on the 13^th, but it’s casual, so we can just head over there after classes.”

He laughed. “Friday the 13^th?”

“Told him the same thing,” I laughed back. It was quiet after that, our body warmth combining and the silence becoming comfortable as we focused on the show. Well, I did. I could feel Jongin’s chin turning and his eyes boring into my profile, before he slowly planted his lips against my temple.

“I love you,” he whispered.

I smiled. “I love you too.”

He started to get up, and, confused, I moved out of the way so he could. Instead, though, he turned around with a smile, facing me with his eyes bright. “Follow me. I want to show you something.”

~*~

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