Sorry for the lack of updates for a couple of days guys! Been busy with the Lunar New Year celebrations here. Wishing anyone who celebrates it a happy new year! <3

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Jiyong smiled to himself, humming a small tune, walking backwards to peek at the clock as he folded some stray pieces of clothing. "!" It was almost noon. He made a beeline for the closet, cutting his toe as he rammed it into the splintered edge. "Owww! ! Oww..." Jiyong sat on the floor clutching his bleeding toe. "Damnit..." He cursed again; nothing that he had quite unceremoniously dropped previously folded clothes in a pile on the floor. He was nervous and clumsy, he had to fold his clothes again and time was drawing close. Great, just great. Sulking, the boy decided to get rid of the mess first. He hopped on one foot as he picked up his clothes, folding them on the bed. The blood that had collected on the open wound on his toe now dripped on the floor. It hurt and he probably had a splinter in it, but he was feeling too miserable to bother with it. 

"Ji?" A knock sounded on the door. 

Jiyong bolted up, cursing loudly at the pain that shot through his toe. Wincing, he hurriedly put the clothes in the cupboard, "Coming!" he yelled, before running straight into the table he had placed in front of the door. "!" Jiyong cursed again, rubbing a sore hip and rolling his eyes at his own stupidity. The nervousness was killing him. 

"You alright in there Ji?" He could hear a tone of humor in Seunghyun's voice. 

Great, now he must think I'm stupid. "Yeah! Hang on a sec." He mumbled a string if curses under his breath as he shifted the table away. He took a deep breath to calm down, straightening out his clothes before pulling open the door. "Hey!" He waved, giving Seunghyun a grin. 

Pretend you're not nervous Kwon Jiyong. Pretend you're not nervous. Why are you nervous anyway? You've even seen him ! Calm down, calm down. 

Seunghyun looked amused as he greeted him, stepping inside the house to remove his shoes. The younger boy's hair was a mess, disheveled all over his face. He could see he was nervous from the way he was breathing, fingers playing with his belt loop. "Um... Shall I get you a drink?" Jiyong asked but did not wait for Seunghyun's reply. He turned too fast on his feet and brought a sharp pain to his injured toe. Jiyong cursed loudly only to instantly regret when Seunghyun rushed to his side. 

"Ji, your toe is bleeding!" Seunghyun immediately bent down to inspect his foot, worry and mild amusement written on his face. 

Jiyong flushed red, feeling like he needed to ground to swallow him whole. He shifted, trying to hide his toe from the older man. "Seunghyun it's nothing... Don't bother about it." He made a move to dash into the kitchen, half hopping. "I'll put a band aid on it... Let me get you a drink first." 

His hand that was on the pitcher was caught in Seunghyun’s and he felt a strong chest press against his back. Jiyong's breath halted. It wasn't like they've never been this close; he swallowed against the lump in his throat, trying to fight the butterflies in his stomach. When was the last time we were alone together like this? The idea of being on this 'almost-date' with Seunghyun must be driving him insane. It felt like the first time; both foreign and familiar, all nerves and all anticipation, Jiyong shuddered as he felt the older man's breath on his neck. 

"Ji... We should get your toe fixed first. Come; let me take a look at it. Where's your first aid box?" 

Jiyong snapped out of his daze, mentally cursing at himself and the proximity that was gone too fast. ing tease; at least that about him hadn't changed. He took a deep breath before gesturing to a non-specific drawer. Seunghyun made a move to retrieve it and Jiyong stopped him, insisting that he could take care of it himself. 

"Just sit Ji, walk anymore and the blood will be all over the floor. I'm not looking at mopping up your entire house." Seunghyun said rolling his eyes in exasperation, earning an embarrassed laughter from the younger boy as he gave in and sat at the edge of the table. He watched as Seunghyun crouched at his feet, lifting the injured foot to rest on his knee, carefully removing the remaining splinter from it before uncapping the disinfectant spray. "This will sting okay?" Seunghyun looked up at the boy before he continued. And Jiyong blushed redder, biting his lip and giving a feeble nod. Jiyong winced as Seunghyun gave him a reassuring smile, resting his palm against Jiyong's sole as he wrapped the injured toe neatly in gauze. Jiyong bounded off the table, careful not to put weight on his toe as he poured a glass of water for the older man, glancing over his shoulder to peek at Seunghyun that was now putting the first aid box back into place. 

Everything seems normal... This is good right? We'll be able to go back to how we were before? 

"Here, thanks." He handed Seunghyun the glass. 

Seunghyun grinned when he saw the glass, complimenting the classic details on the base. "This is a nice design..." 

That's because you chose it.

Jiyong smiled softly, "thanks, I guess. I had someone pick it out for me. A long time ago..."

Seunghyun sensed a shift in the boy's mood and quickly diverted their attention away. "Well the door’s repairmen will be here soon, what do you say we head out while they're at it?" 

Jiyong smiled, "I'd like that," he said, walking over to his window and lighting up a cigarette. He didn't ask Seunghyun if he wanted a stick; he wasn't even sure if he smoked anymore. 

Soft footsteps padded around behind him, "mind if I snitch one?" Jiyong looked at him surprised, before laughing and handing him the packet. Seunghyun inhaled deeply, letting a curl of smoke escape his lips. He found Jiyong eyeing him as he did so and quirked up an eyebrow. "What? Don't look like I smoke?"

Jiyong laughed again, shaking his head and then smoothing his hair back into place. "Nothing... I was just thinking..." That some things don’t change. 

Seunghyun sighed amused, he wasn't going to press Jiyong into revealing anything he didn't want to; making a silent promise to both himself and the boy, that one day every secret, every laughter and pain, everything would be shared between the two of them. 

"Sirs?" The both of them looked up to see the group of repairmen at the door. Seunghyun invited them in with a curt nod, letting them look at the door. 

"Ready Ji?" He asked as the men busied themselves. 

Jiyong nodded as he hastily put out his cigarette that was burning to the filter. "Give me a minute to get dressed." He muttered, picking out random clothing articles and making a run into the bathroom. 

Staring at the mirror and adjusting his outfit, he wondered if he looked okay. Seunghyun dressed differently now, he had obviously moved away from his old life and Jiyong... Well, he was still just Jiyong. Teasing his hair to tousle it, he bit his lip staring hard at the boy in the mirror. What if he finds you too flashy now? What if you're no longer good enough for him? A sad smile ghosted his lips as he lifted his hand to frame his face. 

You, all too effeminate features, too thin a frame, too messed up in the head; you were never good enough for him anyway. How in the world did such a wonderful man fall in love with you? And yet he did, and now he's falling again. Jiyong stopped to wipe at a tear that had slid down his cheek without his notice. "You're crazy Choi Seunghyun," he whispered, "You must be a mad man." 

"Ji? Are you done in there?" 

There was a swift shutting of and opening of cabinets and things being out aside hastily as Jiyong snapped out of his reverie. "Yes! I'm sorry! I'll be out in a second!" Seunghyun smiled to himself, thinking of the younger one blushing and flustered; possibly in a bundle of nerves on end as he busied himself with a forgotten fashion magazine Jiyong left lying around. 

Jiyong had his hand on the knob before he stopped and cursed, bolting back to the medicine cabinet, pulling out a small bag of syringes and vials. He reached to uncap one before pausing, suddenly thoughtful before he pushed it back into the cabinet. Nothing up the arm today, the exhaustion that came quickly would be too obvious and bothersome on a day out. Resignedly Jiyong uncapped a bottle of pills and popped a couple, washing them down lazily with tap water just for good measure. They never worked as well as those you put in your bloodstream and he would just have to deal with the pain when it hits, but they would have to do for now. 

Seunghyun heard the door click open and looked up, his jaw dropping as his eyes grew wide. The blonde was dressed in tight maroon leatherette jeans with a cut out wool sweater; the straps of the black tank top he wore underneath clung deliciously against a snug pale shoulder. "You look different!" He exclaimed. 

Jiyong's shoulders slumped expectantly, taking Seunghyun's expression as a look of disdain. He lowered his eyes, muttering. "I should have known it was too much..." 

But Seunghyun caught up with him faster than he could run into the bathroom to change again, strong hands gripping his arm. "Ji wait, I mean..." Now it was Seunghyun's turn to blush, a red tinge creeping into sculpted cheeks. "You look great Ji. Different, but great." 

Jiyong bit his lip, "I could change..." He fumbled against his sleeves, mentally kicking himself for picking something that Seunghyun-before would not have minded. How did he forget that now was too different altogether? With a loud sigh, he turned to retreat into the bathroom. 

"Jiyong, I mean it. You don't have to change out." Seunghyun pressed two hands against the wall to corner the boy. "It's loud, but it suits you... And now, it seems I'm the underdressed one here!" He laughed, gesturing to his tailored black suit blazer with red detailing. 

Pouting, Jiyong gave a wry smile; weakly convinced by Seunghyun's honesty. He brought his hands up to the taller man's collar, fingers undoing the second and then third button. Before skipping over to the chair to loop Seunghyun's red and blue scarf around the man's neck. "There," Jiyong looked pleased at his creation and stepped aside to let Seunghyun take a look in the mirror. "Now we're better." 

A loud drilling sounded from the doorway and Seunghyun laughed, grabbing Jiyong's hand and the down jacket, "Let's go Ji or our ears will suffer! I parked down the street." 

The moment they stepped out, people starred. No, the gawked, fingers asserting in their direction together with hushed whispers. Jiyong shifted consciously, trying to step away from his partner. He knew the way this part of the city worked, he knew those glances they got, how strange they looked together; this preppy looking handsome man and an overly flashy skinny boy. Seunghyun quickly noticed the awkward air and instinctively slipped his hand into Jiyong's, pulling their hands into his pocket, pulling him close. "That's very brave of you." He said softly, a thankful smile on his face. "But you do know what they're saying behind our backs right?" 

He was most part okay with it; having being called the most degrading names since he could remember; , fairy, gay boy, , and among others. There was nothing worse that he hadn't heard before. Seunghyun on the other hand had such a good head on his shoulders and so much guts that people even found it pressurizing to try to talk him down. He was always sure of himself, full of it even. He wasn't insulted back then, and Jiyong sure as hell didn't want him to be insulted now. 

Seunghyun gave a mild nod and a soft reply, popping open the car doors with ease, leading Jiyong in. When he started the engine, Jiyong noticed a frown and spoke up, "You don't have to take me home later..." He knew best how unkindly those stares and words were. The last thing he wanted was to subject Seunghyun to any thing like that. 

"Is it like that very often?" 

Jiyong felt like shrinking away, it was his entire fault really. He should have just taken his own advice and dressed down. "I'm sorry..." 

"Ji, no! That's not what I'm trying to say." He placed a hand on Jiyong's lap "I just don't like that they're judging you like that. When in fact, I think you're one of the sweetest, most wonderful persons." 

"I don't know about being the sweetest or the most wonderful Seunghyun..." Jiyong's tone was assertive and his voice shook. "But I do know I'm pretty ed up amongst all the other things they called me. I also know that you don't have to be involved in this. And yes it happens a lot."  

The drive had begun in silence and Jiyong felt like the air was snuffed out of him. Why did he say that? Jiyong's hands balled into fists as he gripped hard on the material of his jeans, angry with himself. Yes, he fiercely wanted to protect Seunghyun but what good could he do? What good had he done? He wanted him so badly, and yet...

You're angry because you're too weak to even protect him.

For all it's worth, he wanted to do something, anything. And yet he was the always the catalyst that ushered Seunghyun to a disgusting world, to his world. Those hurtful words and ugly looks were meant for him, they were never meant for Seunghyun. For all those times he found protection in those strong arms and kind words, he could not even make a single move to stand up and protect the man he loved. He was disgusted with himself.

Seunghyun pulled the car over to a stop that Jiyong did not notice. The knuckles of the boy's hands white from the force he used to grip his jeans, probably trying but unsuccessfully to stop himself from shaking. A warm hand landed on his and Jiyong's eyes went wide turning to face Seunghyun. The older man's eyes were firm, not flinching from his own. Firm, but soft; concern written on his face and Jiyong felt even smaller, angry tears threatening to fall. 

No, not now Jiyong, you have no right to cry now; don't you dare cry. 

"Don't Ji," Seunghyun spoke, not breaking contact. Slowly, he eased the tension in Jiyong's clammy hands, softly tracing his thumb in soothing circles. "Stop screwing yourself over in the head," he scolded softly.

And a tear fell, and then another, Jiyong felt a finger pressed softly against his cheek, brushing the tears away. But he couldn't stop. Seunghyun leaned in to kiss the top of his hair, his back gently as he coaxed him to stop crying. Jiyong clutched the back of his shirt, savoring their locked embrace, breathing in Seunghyun's scent. I miss you so much.

This was his only safe harbor. 

Moments later, the boy stilled and Seunghyun finally released him. "Feeling better?" 

Jiyong nodded, managing a smile. "I'm sorry, I couldn't stop myself." 

Seunghyun brushed a hand against his cheek, "you know, I would like for you to tell me everything, but I know you're not ready. I won't push you... But I hope that one day we'll share everything." 

Jiyong's gave an uneasy laughter, trying to break the tension, "Is that a confession Mr Choi?" 

"Maybe... There's something about you. Has anyone told you that?" 

Jiyong smiled, his eyes breaking contact. Seunghyun couldn't help but notice how tired he looked as he turned to gaze out the window, "Yeah... I guess." 

You're the only one who said so.

The silence was growing too much and Jiyong turned his attention back to a nervous looking Seunghyun. "Sorry if I came across cold, it's not like that." He raised his eyebrows, expression softening, earning a smile from the older man. "Didn't you say we had somewhere to go to? Is this here?" He opened the door, stepping out with Seunghyun following him. "Where is this place?" Jiyong wondered aloud, taking in the vast landscape before them. Everything seemed to stretch for miles and miles, snow littered grass meeting the horizon, willow trees swaying in the breeze; he was starting to doubt if they were still in Seoul.

"I know; it's beautiful isn't it?" Seunghyun grinned, standing beside him, their shoulders almost touching. 

Jiyong nodded, following the taller man's footsteps as he rounded to the back of the car, taking out a basket and a poncho from his boot. "Let me help you," Jiyong said, bending to retrieve a thermal box. Seunghyun tried to stop him but the younger one refused, insisting. "I'm not a princess." He said, laughing as he bundled over to a small footpath, "Here?" He asked. 

Seunghyun nodded, stepping forwards to lead their way. Their walk was a quiet one, each savoring their surroundings and the firm presence of the other. They came to a small clearing by the trees and Seunghyun stopped, indicating that this was their spot. Jiyong watched as the taller man set up the poncho, before laying out an assortment of mini sandwiches, tarts and salads on one side. Jiyong took a seat, helping with the thermal box, retrieving a bottle of expensive wine. "Is this your idea of a romantic date?" The younger boy raised an inquisitive eyebrow, laughing to himself as he stretched. The Seunghyun he knew would never take him out on a lunch picnic, his idea of a romantic date consisted of waking up to each other, feeding Jiyong breakfast in bed, sharing a joint and maybe a cigarette together and then crazy, mind blowing . A knowing smirk played on his lips as Seunghyun laughed in turn, grumbling that he knew how boring and expected this would turn out, but it was all he could think of. And Jiyong appreciated this adorable part of it, this new Seunghyun. 

"You're wasting this on me." Jiyong laughed as Seunghyun poured him a glass of wine before swirling his own. "I'm the type you bring to a jajangmyun stand to have soju." 

Seunghyun shrugged, "I thought this jajangmyun and soju boy wouldn't have minded the change occasionally." 

Jiyong laughed again sipping the wine, a surprised and pleased look on his face. "This is really good," he remarked, taking a smoked duck sandwich that Seunghyun passed him. "How did you find this place?" Seunghyun's face seemed to darken and he grew quiet, placing the plate down, thoughtful. A sudden sense of fear took over Jiyong, he knew that expression; it was the same expression Seunghyun had before he turned his back on him the last time, the same expression when the promise to return tumbled out of shaky lips. "S-Seunghyun?" 

Seunghyun snapped out of his daze, offering Jiyong a weak smile. He took a deep breath, handsome features creasing ever so slightly before he spoke. "You know, sometimes you feel really alone; really scared. The feeling you get when you wake from a nightmare and it shakes you to the core..." He paused, finding the words to continue. "You don't know what scared you, but you know whatever it is has eaten away a part of you. You feel like you've lost something important, but you don't know what it is. And all that's left is a feeling of emptiness..." He drank from his glass again, not noticing the shiver that passed through the blonde. "You know you're alone, and that's all there is... It's, it’s frightening." There was a trembling in his voice when he registered the cool touch of Jiyong's smaller hand on his.

"Seunghyun..."

Jiyong's voice offered a comfort to him and he continued, words and emotions spilling out. Had he looked up to face the boy, he would have seen his expression crumble into one of pain. "I had an accident three years back and when I woke up, I couldn't stop shaking. I don't... I don't know why, but I felt like a part of me had died in that accident. Like the months I had slept had taken something away from me. My parents, they were supportive... They told me everything, how I had swerved and lost control, how the car had...crashed. They call it PTSD," His hands shook as he recalled the memory. "But I just felt so empty Ji, I felt like I had lost something... So after I recovered, I buried myself in work trying to shake that feeling away... I thought that... I needed to find that spark again... and I thought that I could if I worked harder..." 

He finally looked up, noticing the trembling in the blonde boy's lips and mistaking the wavering in his eyes as that of empathy. "It was then that I drove and drove until I found this place." He laughed, "I didn't even know where I was going. Everything was familiar and unfamiliar at the same time..." 

They didn't tell you everything Hyun, they didn't tell you about me, about us... They didn't tell you how we crashed... And who was with us... I'm so sorry Hyun...

Jiyong choked back a sob biting his lip, his hands tightening around Seunghyun's. He was as afraid and as uncertain as he was. "The day I met you at the bridge..." He took the boy's hands, earnestly looking into his eyes, unable to stifle the chuckle that escaped his lips at the absurdity of what he was about to say next. "Do you believe in fate Ji?" 

Jiyong swallowed, finding it hard to breathe, he slowly managed a feeble nod. 

I believe in everything you say. I believe in you. 

"I've passed that bridge so many times!" 

I know, I know that's why I'm there. I count every step you take, I watched as you walked past me, wishing every single time that you'd turn to look at me. Hoping that you'd recognize me. 

"And when we spoke Ji, it was like... that fear, that emptiness; gone. It was like I finally found it, the missing piece..."

But you don't know who I am... 

"Does it scare you Ji? I know it sounds crazy..."

If you knew everything was a lie, you'd know I'm the crazy one. I don't sleep well, I can't sleep without you. I want you, I need you. I can't... I can't live without you. I don't know where we're going from here; I don't know if I can do this...

Jiyong looked up, his eyes filled with tears and uncertainty. But he smiled, shaking his head; wiping at the corners of his eyes. "I'm not scared Seunghyun... I..." the only thing that scares me is loosing you. I can't loose you again. I'm sorry. "I... I know how it feels..." His voice broke, "I feel the same way about you." 

"Ji..." Seunghyun leaned in, gently cupping the boy's face. "I'm going to kiss you... Can I?" Jiyong didn't nod he simply leaned forward, supporting himself on one arm, lips parting in silent agreement. Seunghyun pressed their lips together, Jiyong tasted like wine, cigarettes and something sweet. The blonde let out a soft moan as their tongues met, his idle hand clasping the back of Seunghyun's neck, thin fingers gently caressing his hairline. Jiyong's touch was comforting, hypnotizing; Seunghyun felt a fire, a slow heat that passed from Jiyong into him. He was certain, the person in front of him was the spark he longed for, the breath of life in his emptiness, his reason of being. They parted the kiss slowly, breathing hard, eyes and hands lingering on each other, Jiyong's fingers caressing his. 

Jiyong spoke first, breaking the peaceful silence. "Seunghyun, you should know... That I have a past... And it's, it's more difficult than you think... It's..." 

The older man shook his head, "I don't care Ji... I don't care if I want this more than you do... If it’s okay, I mean... Would you be mine?"

No. No, don't. What will happen when he knows what you're hiding? What will happen if it turns out bad? What will happen if he leaves you again? You can't do it... You can't take the pain... You can't stand another heartbreak... You can't deal with another broken promise. Don't do it...

"Yes!" Jiyong blurted. "Yes, I'll be yours..." There would be no walls with Seunghyun, no strategy that could outplay these feelings, no guard against the typhoon that shook his heart again and again. 

Checkmate. You lose. 

Seunghyun smiled, raising his hands to kiss his fingers, and there was no more resolve; he would never win this game, either way there would be pain, but he would rather not suffer loosing Seunghyun, no matter how difficult or how fleeting it would be. 

There will be nothing left of me after this, I'll give you everything of me, all that's left.

"Seunghyun... Promise me one thing?" 

"Anything Ji."

A certain sadness mingled with the small smile the boy had maintained, "promise me that you'll never lie to me." 

"Ji-"

Jiyong raised a hand to stop him, "think about it before you say it Seunghyun. I don't need anything else from you. If you can promise me that... " 

Say it to me baby, the only promise that you made, the only promise that you'll ever have to make. 

"I promise Ji."

Jiyong saw eyes that were firm and unyielding. For the first time since he spoke to Seunghyun after the accident, he saw in those eyes the same fire and crazy confidence of before. We're both crazy. He leaned in for another kiss. 

And then tell me that you'll always love me.