THIN AIR – CHAPTER 10

Yu-Ni almost completely lost it when she saw the text message, "That little ..." She scolded, hurriedly thanking the pharmacist on duty, shoving the bagful of medication into her bag. "He better had left the spare key." The young doctor reached her car in haste, not caring that she had just thrown one of her favorite bags in the backseat. 'Get your back here, this isn't funny.' She typed before throwing her phone on the passenger seat, speeding to Seunghyun's apartment. She entered softly, taking off her heels at the doorstep. When she had rid herself of her bag and coat, she padded slowly to the bedside, relief escaping her lips in a sigh when she found Jiyong still asleep. She adjusted the blankets a little, checking the boy's temperature. Satisfied that he would be fine for now, Yu-Ni headed for the kitchen, checking and retrieving items from the cabinets to fix Jiyong a light meal. 

When she was done, she left the porridge to simmer, extracting her phone from her bag, she excused herself to the balcony, checking for any messages or calls from Seunghyun. The device's sleeping screen came to life showing no missed calls or text messages. Muttering a soft curse, she dialed his number and was directed to his voice mail. ‘Just great Choi Seunghyun,’ she thought waiting for the beep to sound before she left her brother an irritated message. 

Four hours, seven voice messages and thirty odd text messages and not one single reply later, Yu-Ni was about to freak out. ‘Choi Seunghyun, come back here you little . You're not going to leave me to handle this for you, clear up the mess you started! Or at the very least call!’ She snapped, ending the message and checking her watch. The medicine would wear off soon and Jiyong would be awake. Yu-Ni got to her feet leaving the balcony to fix a cup of coffee, before retreating to the carpeted lounging area by Seunghyun's bed. She didn't think it was a good idea to let Jiyong wake up to no one beside him.

"Sweetheart, stay asleep a little longer, give your pain in the boyfriend sometime to come back okay?" She whispered, and then the boy stirred. "." Yu-Ni put down her cup in a hurry, bolting over to the bed just in time as Jiyong's eyes opened, and the sound of her brother's name escaping his lips. 

"Yu-Ni noona..." Jiyong's voice was still scratchy when he spoke; he looked around, over her shoulders, "Wh-where's Hyun? Is he in the bathroom?" 

"Jiyong..." Yu-Ni took a deep breath, taking the boy's hands. "Hyunnie went out for a while..." And she felt Jiyong's hands tremble, shoulders slumping as he in a breath. "But he'll be back in a bit alright?" 

There was a silence that hung in the air as Jiyong searched her eyes, before blinking rapidly, pushing himself up to a sitting position. Brown eyes darted around the room as the boy chewed on his lip. "Okay... Yeah, it's okay... I'll wait for him to come back..." He nodded, taking a deep breath. 

"That's a good boy," Yu-Ni said with a smile, ruffling Jiyong's hair. "I'll get you some water okay?" She said quietly, heading to the kitchen. 

The moment she let the sliding door shut behind her, Yu-Ni felt like the apartment was about to swallow her up. She could see it in the boy's eyes that he was trying to convince himself, he was afraid, but probably concerned about worrying her. Jiyong had always been the type to put everyone else before him and Seunghyun always came first. She knew Jiyong saw through her lie and it broke her heart. "ing Seunghyun," she cursed through her teeth, leaving him another voice message, "He's awake. I'm freaking out, come home now." 

Jiyong was turned towards the window, his back against her, eyes blank when she returned to the bedside with the porridge and a glass of water.  Jiyong did not even notice her when she sat. "Hey," she called, tapping his shoulder and the boy startled, spinning around, crestfallen face immediately turning into a forced smile when he saw her, thanking her softly when she passed him a glass of water. 

Jiyong didn't touch the water until she urged him to and he took a small sip before retreating back to holding the glass in his hands and simply staring at it, unmoving. At the same time when she was going to ask him to eat, Jiyong finally spoke, looking up at her as he did so. "Noona, what time is Hyun coming back?" 

Yu-Ni almost winced, the question was so painfully innocent, and it hurt her to know that she was going to have to make up another lie to pacify the situation temporally. "I..." She checked her watch, "I'm not sure..." His face fell and she immediately took his hand, "Possibly soon… He just left before you woke, said it was urgent. Oh, you know him, he'll be back quick." Jiyong nodded, looking away from her and focusing on the glass in his hand again. "You should eat something." 

He shook his head, "I'm not hungry... I'll wait for Hyun..." She could see he was fighting back tears. "I, I want to see him," he turned to her, smiling just to reassure. "I'll eat when he's back..." 

The young doctor nodded, knowing that there was no way she could convince him to eat now, she took the glass from the boy and put the food aside. They both sat in silence, Jiyong folding his knees to his chest, biting his thumb, eyes portraying confusion and anxiousness. Yu-Ni sat as close to him as possible, texting Seunghyun with increasingly violent threats and coarse language while occasionally holding the boy's hand to offer any sort of comfort to him. As the night deepened, Jiyong's breathing became labored and Yu-Ni could see the shuddering rise and fall of his chest as the thin boy hugged his knees to his chest, offering himself a tighter source of comfort while he grew increasingly uncertain. "Jiyong..." She called softly, in hopes to calm the boy down even by a little, fearing for another full-blown attack if he continued. 

"He's... He's coming back right? He wouldn't leave me... Right, noona?" Bloodshot eyes looked at her, trembling lips clamped tight. "Seunghyun... He wouldn't leave me..." 

"Ji... I-"

He nodded again in a feeble attempt to convince himself, but the tears he held back for too long came any way. "He'll come back for me... He said he'd never leave me alone... He wouldn't, he wouldn't." Jiyong repeated to himself softly, chewing on his finger again he backed against the wall, holding himself tighter as he shook. 

"Jiyong," she placed a hand on his shoulder and Jiyong started, grabbing her hands into his clammy ones. 

"I'm sorry!" He blurted out, his eyes wide with tears. "Tell Hyun I... I'm sorry!" He started to cough, and the slightest signs of wheezing began. 

"Sweetheart, calm down!"

He shook his head, coughing again. "No! Tell Hyun I'm sorry. Ask him to... to come back. Please... Don't leave me..." He broke down crying, burying his head on her shoulder. "Ask him not to leave me... Please... Noona, please..." 

"Jiyong," she his back, not letting go of him. "You have to calm down!" 

"Hyun... Doesn't he want me any more?" He bolted up suddenly, grabbing Yu-Ni's arms, nails digging into the soft material of her jacket. "Doesn't he want me anymore?" 

"It's not like that!" She started, regretting immediately as Jiyong continuously shook his head crying harder and she had no idea what to say next. What lie to make up to buy Seunghyun time, and how much time did he need before he decided to come back?

"Please tell him... Don't leave me..." His voice fell as his figure slumped forwards, supporting himself with one arm; pressing his idle hand against his chest, as breathing grew difficult. Sweat collected at Jiyong's forehead, sliding down his chin. "He won't throw me away, he promised. He'd never lie to me..." A forced smile took his lips, tears falling from tired eyes. Jiyong was breathing through his mouth, inhaling sharp, painful gasps of air. "I'll wait for him..." He let himself slump against the wall, exhausted. "I'll wait for him..." She tried to coax him to lie down and rest but every time she placed her hand on his back, the boy would instinctively flinch away from her, wheezing as he refused. She could tell it was a feat for Jiyong to stay awake, but trying to get him to give up on waiting would only serve to agitate him, driving his terrified mind further up the wall. He was frightened and it was painfully obvious to her. 

She ran into the kitchen, swearing at her brother with another voice mail. "I can't do this for you, you bastard! I can't do this anymore! Jiyong is breaking down. I'm freaking out every time I have to lie to him! And he knows, for god's sake he knows I'm lying... I will kill you when you return, I swear." She sent him another threatening text for good measure too. Yu-Ni shook as she kept her phone, the pressure of her own emotions a few precious minutes away from bursting. She calmed herself down, forcing her mind to remain strong before she returned to the bedside with a glass of hot milk. 

"Jiyong,"

It took him awhile to look at her, smiling and shaking his head as another tear fell. "I'm not hungry noona... I'm waiting for Seunghyun..." Jiyong's voice was as thin as he looked, cracked and broken, exhaustion coming through every word. 

"If you're going to wait, you're going to need your energy." She ran a hand through his hair, "Listen to noona okay? Drink this, you'll feel better." ‘I'm sorry I have to lie to you, but you need to rest.’

He looked at her wearily, before taking the glass from her, finishing the milk. "Thank you noona." 

Yu-Ni smiled, putting away the glass, she took Jiyong's hand, the boy's slender fingers, making him smile a little suppressing a sob. "You don't have to thank me Ji, Seunghyun asked me to... And besides I've always treated you like my other younger brother." 

"He did, didn't he?” His words trailed off as he checked the clock, "it's getting late... Hyun, he's not coming back yet?" 

"Yongie... Stop thinking about it, he'll be back sooner than you think." 

He shook his head again, "Hyun's never... He's never been away so long," a dry laugh escaped his throat causing it to itch and he coughed, cupping his mouth. Yu-Ni reached over to gather him into her arms, soothing his back. "He must be really mad..." Jiyong whispered into her shoulder, vision obscured by stray hair that had stuck to his tear stained face. Gradually his shoulders slumped, giving Yu-Ni signal that the sleeping pills she had slipped into the boy's milk earlier was taking effect. "Noona?"

"Yes sweetheart?" 

Jiyong chuckled, "Seunghyun... He... He loves me right?" 

Yu-Ni nodded, rocking the boy slowly, "Of course he does..." She knew these easy words would do nothing to ease Jiyong's pain, at least not without Seunghyun's presence, but it was all she could do for him now. 

The boy's voice dropped to a tired whisper, "I... I love him so much..." His breathing evening out slightly as heavy lids gave way to a rest that he did not want. "I love him so much..." 

----------

Yu-Ni sat in darkness while Jiyong slept, leaving voice messages to Seunghyun every so often her cellphone was threatening to die on her. Six hours, she counted; that was how long Seunghyun had been away for. "Choi Seunghyun," her tone was drained. "This is the twenty-fourth message I'm leaving you. It's irresponsible, you understand? Come home before anything else happens, please. I'm not good at lying to Jiyong, and I'm not happy to be clearing your mess." She left it at that, slipping the phone back into her pocket, silently praying that Jiyong would not wake again until Seunghyun returned. She could only imagine the blow it would serve for the young boy to wake and find that Seunghyun was still out. And she couldn't, she wouldn't be able to bring herself to lie to him any further. 

Fifteen minutes later, the front door clicked and Yu-Ni bolted off her feet, throwing it open, eyes flaring. "Noona, I'm-" Seunghyun's sentence was cut with a heavy slap across the face. "What the !" He cursed, shoving her away. 

Without another word Yu-Ni dragged him by the wrist out into the corridor. " you Choi Seunghyun! How could you do this? Make me clear up your mess?" She shoved him against the wall, "Make me lie to him?" 

"Noona, I needed time to think okay?" She raised her hand to hit him again but Seunghyun caught it midair, swearing. "Yu-Ni, stop this." 

She wriggled free of his grasp, pointing an accusing finger at him. "No, you stop this. You have no right to address me that way. How could you leave him, do you have any idea how scared he was?" 

Seunghyun struggled to keep his cool; anger boiling in his veins. He had expected his sister to understand and back him up. "Don't. He lied, I have every reason-"

"Every reason?" She laughed, "listen to yourself! I knew you were spoilt, but I didn't think you'd be this irrational, immature!" 

"I'm perfectly rational!" 

"Shut up Seunghyun! He didn’t lie to you, he just didn’t tell you! And you don't just walk out like that! You can walk out of fights with friends, with your one-time lovers, your silly little flings and all the other people that you for pleasure. But you don't, you never walk out on people who love you, you don't walk out on family..." Her voice turned raspy, hair wild and eyes red with tears. "You, of all people should know how much you mean to Jiyong. You should know him better than anyone else. You know how much he loves you... He's given you everything!" Her slender shoulders shook as she wiped angry tears from her eyes. "You know what he said?"

Seunghyun searched his sister's face, suddenly half afraid of what he was going to hear. "He asked me to tell you he's sorry. And he begged me to ask you not to leave him. That stupid boy... He's always put everyone before himself, because he thinks he doesn't deserve it. And before everyone else... He's always put you first." She drew in a breath, fixing her eyes on her brothers, "He asked if you loved him..." 

Seunghyun’s heart slowly shattered at his sister's words, cracking up and falling apart. Jiyong... Of course he loved him, how could he not? It was precisely because he loved him. "I..."

"Don't talk, let me finish. I can't deal with this on my chest." She took a deep breath. "You resolve problems when it comes to family. If you love him, you would; you don't just go leave. How do you think he felt? He was so worked up he was going to have another attack. I had to give him sleeping pills because he wouldn't sleep without you, he wouldn't eat. He wanted to wait for you." She gave a broken laugh, "Don't you see? Yongie... That kid, the person he despises the most is himself... And you," she slumped against him, throwing a futile punch at his shoulder. "And you walk out on him... How dare you... How dare you." 

And Seunghyun’s barricades broke, knees feeling weaker by the minute as he held his sister up. He knew what she said, every word was truth, and he knew it by heart. But he had let himself be overcome by selfish anger, leaving the situation hanging, making it worse by running away. He had hurt the one person he promised everything to. "Noona..." 

She broke away from him, not bothering to hide her tears as she went inside to grab her bag, roughly pushing past him at the corridor. Seunghyun moved to take hold of her hand, trying to find understanding in her eyes. "I can't do this, I'm done here. Make sure he takes his medicine on time. Call me when you've made up." She strode past him to the lift, furiously pressing the button. "Apologize Seunghyun. It's the least you can do for being a prick." 

Seunghyun sighed against the silence in the apartment, back pressed hard against the wall, collecting his thoughts. He observed the figure on a bed that was too big for him, curled under the covers. He noticed that Jiyong had taken his side of the bed, an exposed arm slung over the pillow that he slept on and Seunghyun's heart clenched in his chest. How did he reduce the person he loved so much to such loneliness and vulnerability? And Jiyong, had he always been this thin? He approached the sleeping boy cautiously, gently rubbing the tender skin of the dark circles underneath bruised eyes. He fought an urge to cry, pressing trembling lips against a pallid brow whispering, "I'm so sorry baby." He stayed by Jiyong's side for most part of the night, unable to sleep and quite unwilling to. He caught up with the precious hours he had neglected by just watching Jiyong's face, features so peaceful in his sleep, with the slightest telltale signs of a tired frown. Seunghyun smiled a slight, pressing a finger against Jiyong's forehead, smoothing out the lines. He wanted to stay awake so that when morning came in a couple of hours, he could apologize to him in person as soon as he woke. 

---------------

Jiyong peeled his eyes open, shifting from the fog of sleep to wake. He refused to get up, rubbing his cheek against the pillow, lazily running his arms on the bed sheet; he sighed, it was always warmer in Seunghyun's bed. The blonde looked to his right, expecting to see a familiar dimpled grin. When he realized there was no one beside him, Jiyong's eyes flew wide in fear; he sat up, clutching the covers closer to his body. The room was suddenly too cold; Seunghyun had not returned last night. "Noona?" He asked, "Yu...Yu-Ni noona?" There was no response from anyone anywhere, the curtains were still drawn, cracks of the early dawn showing through the cream colored curtains like a faded watercolor painting. "Seunghyun?" his voice trembled. The lights weren't on, and all he could hear was the increasingly loud sound of his own breathing. A sudden panic seized him; he was eight again, waking up to an empty cabin on Christmas morning. A sharp pain shot from his chest and Jiyong pushed the covers off, crashing clumsily to the floor and taking the table lamp with him in an attempt to clamber out of bed. "No!" Jiyong screamed, struggling to get up and falling again, his still weak body unable to support him. "No, no, please!" He needed to get up; he needed to run after them, he had to stop them from leaving. 

In the kitchen, Seunghyun paused his iPod, certain that he heard a crash, he was about to turn it on again when there it was, another bump followed by a scream. "!" He cursed, pulling out his earpiece, running into the room straight towards Jiyong who was on the floor, in a mess. "Jiyong!" He steadied him, holding him in a firm grasp. The boy was distraught and terrified; he struggled violently against him like a fish out of water, terrified as he searched for something to still the emptiness. "Jiyong! Baby, calm down!" He shook him, cupping the boy's chin so he would face him. Recognition flashed in Jiyong's eyes and Seunghyun’s grip slackened, letting out a breath of relief. 

"Seunghyun... Seunghyun!" Jiyong threw himself into his arms, hands gripping his collar tightly as he shook, tears falling from his eyes. "Seunghyun... Don't... Please don't..." He repeated, holding into his boyfriend like a lifeline, he would drown if he let go. 

"Jiyong... Baby it's alright, I'm here." He pressed the smaller body against his, wrapping his arms around the boy. "It's alright."

"I'm sorry Hyun..." Jiyong rasped, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you... I didn’t tell you because I thought it wasn't important... and I hadn't had an attack in a long time. Please don't be mad, don't leave me alone... I don't want to be alone..."

"Damnit Ji, how can it be unimportant?" He questioned, though his tone was soft. "How can anything about you not be important to me?" 

"I'm sorry..." 

"What happened baby, when you ran out," Seunghyun broke away from the boy's arms. "What made you so upset and then so ill?" 

Jiyong looked at him, sad and uncertain, he chewed on his lip, holding his feet together. "My... My father... His name is Kwon Jae Hwa... He's..." He trailed off, fresh tears coming to his eyes. "He's..." 

And Seunghyun understood, the news broadcast on television that morning; it was all over the papers he was reading as well. 'Hotel Magnate Kwon Jae Hwa returns to Seoul' splashed in bold print on the front page. How did he miss it? "Oh god, Ji... I didn't know..."

Jiyong shook his head, shaking. "I didn't know either. I've never seen him... since, I've never heard from him." He paused, taking a deep breath. "They asked about his family..." Jiyong felt dizzy talking about it; it was getting increasingly hard to breathe. "And he said... he said... they were fine..." He choked up, covering his face with his hands as he wept, "And that his wife and daughter... were flying in, later..."

Seunghyun pulled the boy back into his arms, every cell in him obsessively protective. "I'm so sorry baby..." 

"I'm not in the picture anymore..." He rasped, wheezing, "I'm not there anymore... Don't leave, even if I made you angry... Please don't leave me..." The boy wept terribly, his whole form shaking from the force he used to hold onto Seunghyun. "I'm so sorry... Don't leave me please... You're... " He choked on his words, coughing through his tears. "You're all I've got..."

"It's alright, Jiyong... Calm down," He whispered, "Can you do that for me?", his back in slow repeated motions until the shuddering grew shallow, and the strange humming from Jiyong's chest mellowed out. Seunghyun broke away, cupping the boy's face, the tears away. "I'm sorry Ji, I didn't know and I hurt you, I'm sorry... I was mad, and I did something stupid."

He shook his head, "It's my fault... Its all my fault, I made you angry..."

"Will you forgive me?" 

"Don't ever leave me again... I can't..." Jiyong trembled, not listening to Seunghyun. "I can't..."

Seunghyun caught the boy's attention by lifting his chin and frightened eyes fixed on him, "Listen to me, I love you." Without waiting for a response, he leaned in to kiss him. Jiyong broke into a small smile that made Seunghyun's heart leap, and there was nothing he could do but to pull the boy back into an embrace. "I take it that you've forgiven me." He mused. 

"I was never mad at you..." Jiyong said in a small voice.

"You should have been, you know." He whispered, smiling as Jiyong toyed with the ends of his shirt, twining his fingers around the soft cotton. "You keep putting me before you..." For the boy who's parents had left him as a child, Jiyong had grew up to left to fend for himself, unable to find a reason behind his abandonment, he safeguarded what was left of his pride and sanity by believing he mattered less. The only way Jiyong understood how to love someone was to selflessly put them before himself. "Not everything that goes wrong is your fault," he admitted, "this time it's mine. I was being insensitive."

"But... But I love you," Jiyong whispered into his shirt, the heat from his lips bearing into the older man's chest. "You're everything..."

"And you're important, you're everything to me too, I'm sorry I hurt you," he lifted the boy's face, fingers away a tear from his cheek as he affirmed their feelings. "I love you so much." 

Jiyong was grateful that Seunghyun had kept their hands linked while he told his story, the memory of his parents leaving him and then of the past that was forgotten was altogether too much for him to take. He felt a light squeeze on his hand, and looked up to see the face that kept him from falling apart, both before and now. Jiyong smiled, continuing, "At that time, I had a boyfriend... and it was a big deal that he was there... Or I would have... I think I couldn't have dealt well on my own." 

"Where is he now?" Seunghyun asked, half curious and half jealous. 

"Sorry?" Jiyong quirked an eyebrow, still a little lost in thought. 

"Your boyfriend... Then." 

"He..." The boy trailed off, a little amused at the dull heartache that coursed through him. "He left," he concluded, not really sure of how to best describe the strange relationship between the two of them. 

"What?! He left you?" Seunghyun's expression was of disbelief. 

"You seem to find it hard to believe that..." Jiyong whispered, lowering his eyes. 

"I find it hard to believe how anyone could." And Jiyong knew he meant both his parents that now obscure ex-boyfriend. "I mean… I would never leave you." 

Jiyong managed a smile. But you did... And somehow you found me again. 

"You still think of him," Seunghyun said. It was now quite evident that this was the reason for those lost thoughts that Jiyong would slip into. That the person he couldn't forget was the reason why his mind sometimes went on long trips, and Seunghyun feared that one day, Jiyong might never want to be his; preferring to be trapped in the world that existed between him and the lover that left. 

"Yes... I still do." And his grip on Seunghyun tightened. 

The older man let out a sigh, "Guess I can never replace him then." 

"Hyun... You, you don't have to." He searched the older man's eyes, using his thumb to smoother out the pained smile at the edges of Seunghyun's lips. "I'm willing to start afresh with you." And he meant it in every sense of the word. He was going to brave everything for this man, come hell and high water. "If you want to..."

And Seunghyun smiled, holding Jiyong's hand against his cheek, relishing the warmth and soft caresses. "Are you kidding me? Of course I want to. You're the best thing Jiyong; I've never been so… smitten? Infatuated?" He frowned, searching for a right word and Jiyong laughed, calling him an idiot. "Do you think its fate? It has to be either fate or magic.” He sighed, “I think you've cast a spell on me." 

"Maybe... Fate," he concluded. This beautiful and painful chain that held them together. "Maybe I'm really a witch." He laughed and poked at his boyfriend's dimpled cheek. 

I missed your smile.

Seunghyun had a grin plastered on his face as he leaned in to claim Jiyong's ready lips. They were a breathing mess as they met, chests pressed hard against each other, hands tangled; one pair in shady dark hair and the other clasped tightly against a pale blonde. "You have no idea how much I want you..." Seunghyun breathed, his voice a low growl in his throat. 

Jiyong pleaded for more, eyes glazed and lips swollen. He couldn't wait; his heart was racing and possibly about to burst inside his chest, his body aching with need, blood like adrenaline pulsing through his veins. Every part of him wanted Seunghyun. "Show me, show me Hyun."