First off, a small side note... Thank you everyone who's reading and everyone who's commented or subscribed to this piece of work. I'm really new to Big Bang, or kpop in general; since i've been listening to Japanese rock for so long. I'm still finding out new things about the boys and liking new (IMO) songs... Forgive me if I get any thing wrong along the way. I'm not familiar with the language or culture either, so we might have some discrepancies.

This is purely a work of my crazy imagination. Nothing is real, I own nothing. 

Again, having you read this means a lot. Love you all~~

Oh and, this will not be a pretty chapter. Expect a lot of angst and please, enjoy the ride with me! 

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Jiyong had no recollection of how he got back home, his memory too preoccupied with the taller man; Seunghyun's hands, Seunghyun's eyes, Seunghyun's lips and Seunghyun's scent. The skinny boy had now balled himself into a corner of his unlit home, shaking hands fisted, pulling at brown locks. Like a fish out of water, every sob made the boy fight for air to return to his lungs. Jiyong found it hard to breathe, but he couldn't stop crying either. Hadn't he wanted this? Now that things were finally falling into place, why did it feel so hard? 

Jiyong let himself crumple to the ground, feverish cheeks meeting the cool of the wooden floorboards. His chest heaved with difficulty as he shut his eyes, tears falling down the curve of his cheeks. In truth he wanted melt down, to break into fluid and disappear into the floorboards. He wanted to be traceless, to erase every ounce of existence in him. 

A long, drawn out breath escaped his lips, "Hyu-un... I've made it... this far..." He swallowed, inhaling to allow air but feeling the oxygen leaving him too fast, the walls closing in on him. "It's okay to... right?" His words grew faint, softer, dissolving into whispers. There was a slight amusement at the back of his mind when he thought that perhaps he was really going to disappear. "Now that you've... We've met... Is it okay to go now? I'm tired... so exhausted..." A small laugh broke through dry lips, causing an ache as Jiyong felt his airway constrict. "I can't do this Hyun... I know... I know I promised...." The thin boy felt disconnected from his body, it was always like that when the pain took over. But Jiyong knew he deserved it, he deserved these scars and he deserved to be just as unable to get rid of them. 

He felt a shudder pass through and then he was gasping for air. He must look terrible now. Imagine if Seunghyun found him, lying here, dying or maybe dead. Would he remember then? A part of Jiyong knew he didn't deserve this salvation. He was supposed to atone by carrying the weight his entire life, however short it would be. He was a coward through and through. He would get up and apologize, but he was already crumbling. If it would suffice for Seunghyun to recall those memories, then dying wouldn't be so bad. A small smile ghosted at his lips and Jiyong let himself float. 

The silence ringing in his ears was comforting. His mind lost in foggy flashbacks, replaying long forgotten memories belonging to himself and Seunghyun. How he missed the way his dimples deepened when he smiled, how large eyes twinkled with the subtle warmth of a larger hand holding his own. The sweetness of Seunghyun's lips pressed against his, the countless cigarettes they shared and then the cruel way in which they had parted. In Jiyong's mind, it played out like a broken record, scenes overlapping each other, fading to give way to the next. Merging together until they clouded over, slipping away from him together with his consciousness, until all he could hear was the deep smoothness of his name escaping Seunghyun's lips. 'Ji...' He always loved that nickname. 'Ji, I love you Ji...' He loved it even more when Seunghyun said it. It lulled him deeper into the spiral until only a comfortable blackness remained. 

"Ji!" 

If he could, he would run towards that voice even in the dark. But he couldn't move, his body did not belong to him anymore, and he didn't even have the resolve to. 

"Ji! Goddamnit, Jiyong!" 

He was amused, Seunghyun would rarely swear like that. Between the two of them, Jiyong was the one who did the cursing. 'Hyun must be mad... Because I didn't wait for him to remember.' There was a loud pounding in his ears, somewhere far away, and Jiyong thinks its because he broke his promise. 

Something came crashing in, the pounding grew louder, closer, but Jiyong's world was still enveloped in a sweet darkness. In the spiral, he was slipping, falling even deeper.

'Goodbye Seunghyun.'

Seunghyun's eyes grew wide in shock as he ran towards the boy's limp body. Jiyong's lips were a harsh shade of blue and the color had left his cheeks. He lifted the boy too easily into his lap, hands stinging from the shock of cold skin. "Jiyong!!" He cupped the boy's cheeks, before pressing his ear against the thin chest, listening for a heartbeat, a breath...something, anything. "Please..." Seunghyun begged. 

He knew the boy was off when he didn’t see him leave his apartment until half an hour later. He knew from the way he fell when he ran, not caring about bumping into the rush hour crowd that something was wrong and now he didn't want to be too late. 

"Jiyong, come on... Please..." Seunghyun parted pale lips and pressed in, holding the boy's nose. He cupped the boy's face again before clasping his hands together over the boy's heart, pumping furiously, repeating the steps and waiting for a breath. "Ji... Please breathe. Don't do this to me, Ji... Come on..." He felt his own strength sap as angry tears fell, but he continued; determined. "Jiyong..." He rasped, wiping at his eyes with his sleeve before pressing his lips against the boy's again. "Come on..." And then he heard it, a fragile intake of breath. "Ji?" Seunghyun asked, pausing, leaning his cheek against the boy’s chest again. What if he had heard wrong, what if he was too late? At first it was faint and Seunghyun wouldn't let go of Jiyong's hand, clasping it tighter. And then it gradually grew louder, though still slight, disconnected; it rang in his ears, the steady beating of Jiyong's heart. 

"Ji..." He called, cradling the boy's cheek, softly tear tracks, coaxing him to respond. The smaller hand in his moved slightly, fingers too frail to curl around his. Seunghyun pressed the hand against his own heart. "I'm here Ji... It's okay..."

"H-hyu-n..."

"I'm here..." Jiyong had the slightest traces of a smile on his face and Seunghyun smiled too through his tears, feeling the ache of relief. The boy gave a small sigh before falling back into rest, not opening his eyes. 

Seunghyun carried him to the bed, a futon at the other corner of the room, cursing at the cold contact of the sheets as he adjusted a thin blanket over the boy, before removing his own jacket to cover him. Seunghyun sat beside him, surveying the small flat.

How in the world did Jiyong manage to live like this? 

The flat was just an open space; there were no room segregations besides a small bathroom and kitchen. A small closet stood beside the window, and the kitchen was fairly bare; one set of utensils, one cup and one electronic stove. There was no television, no phone. And the bed... Seunghyun was struck with the feeling of emptiness. And he had been right about the boy not having a heater after all. 

Seunghyun sighed, standing up and putting on his jacket. He had wanted to stay and watch the boy. But at the way the temperatures were dipping, they would both be frozen by the time morning came. He drove to the nearest electronic store, quickly purchasing a heater before he returned. It had started to snow again. Seunghyun's teeth chattered as he entered the flat, pushing the door that he had ruined shut. He noticed sheepishly that he had broken the lock and almost took to door off its hinges. He wondered if Jiyong would flip when he realized the damage done. He would pay for a new door, and he didn't mind paying for a new bed and maybe a sofa for the boy either. He even wanted to give the walls a new coat of paint. He just didn't think Jiyong deserved to be greeted with such coldness at home. 

Finding the nearest power socket to the bed, Seunghyun plugged the heater in and turned it on. He shifted closer to the bed, to Jiyong and moved to lie on the floor beside him, observing long lashes and the slight curve of the boy's cheek. He reached over and brushed his fingers over Jiyong’s forehead and small nose, glad to feel slight warmth from the touch. 

The idea of loosing Jiyong scared him. When he found the boy, unconscious and not breathing earlier, he was shaken with a new kind of fear, the worst and most profound sense of loss. This was a person that he had only just met awhile back, and yet he was so taken in, so attracted. And now he even had the craziest idea that he might be in love.  "Jiyong..." Seunghyun whispered to the sleeping boy, "How do you manage to do this to me?" He leaned in closer and pressed a chaste kiss on the boy's closed eyes and let his lips linger near, Jiyong's lashes tickling him as he breathed in the boy's scent. An acute jolt coursed through Seunghyun's heart and the handsome man pulled back to lie down again, his heart beating faster than he expected.

He was most definitely in love. 

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Jiyong stirred, his body too heavy and his senses too light. He could see light behind his lids and he opened his eyes, wincing immediately as a sharp brightness hit him. Was this how dying would be like? He was certain he was damned but this was strangely peaceful. He noticed something beside him stirring and Jiyong turned to have a better look. The sleeping face that greeted him was so painfully familiar that Jiyong's eyes welled up, tears finding their way again. He reached out to touch that handsome face, letting trembling fingers ghost over a high cheekbone. "Hyun," he whispered, how he had missed waking up to Seunghyun's face in the mornings. Jiyong offered a silent word of thanks, someone up there must have heard his prayers and allowed him one last wish, one final dream in death. "I love you." He whispered. If there was one thing he wanted Seunghyun to know, it was this.

And then Seunghyun wrinkled his nose, lids fluttering open, sleepy eyes looking around in mild confusion. Jiyong smiled through his tears, even in a dream he couldn't contain the feelings welling up in his chest. 

The dark set of eyes finally rested on him and Seunghyun bolted upright, eyes widening in shock, groaning slightly at a backache from sleeping on the floor. "Jiyong!" A warm hand flew to his face, resting on his cheek. "You're awake." 

Now Seunghyun held a look of tenderness on his face and Jiyong frowned, confused. Why would this dream play out in this manner? Wasn't Seunghyun supposed to just fade away leaving him with the insurmountable happiness in his heart as he made his way to cross over? Why was Seunghyun looking at him with a pained expression now?

"Ji?" Warm hands searched his face, tenderly brushing his hair. "Are you in any pain? Ji... Talk to me." 

"You..." He sounded smaller than he wanted, and his body ached when he spoke. "It's not supposed to be like this..." 

"What's not supposed to be like what?" Jiyong could hear the confusion in his voice. 

"You're not... supposed to stay. You're supposed to disappear... And then I'll go... Now I can't, I can't leave..." He choked, shaking his head in vain. 

"Leave? What? Ji, you're scaring me." 

"I can't cross over like this..." 

"Cross over? Wait..." Seunghyun turned, pursing lips together tightly, his brows knotted in a frown. Warm eyes widened suddenly as he finally found understanding in the boy’s words and when he turned to speak there was a different gentleness in his eyes. "You're not dead Ji," he whispered, taking Jiyong's hand in his own. "You would have been if I didn't find you in time. You weren't breathing when I found you, and I was so scared that I was going to lose you.”

Jiyong blinked, he didn't make it? "Why..." He sobbed, shutting his eyes and turning away so Seunghyun couldn't see his face. "I'm so tired... Why?" 

Jiyong kept repeating his words, delirious with pain, crying harder. Without a thought Seunghyun reached over and pulled the boy to rest against his chest. "It's okay Ji... I'm here," hushing him by whispering comforting words into sweat matted hair. 

When the boy calmed down and his breathing evened out, Seunghyun let go of the embrace. Cupping the boy's face gently, he spoke, determined, "Jiyong, I know it's going to sound sudden, and very strange. And it might confuse you, but... The thought of loosing you," he paused, almost like he was reassuring himself. Jiyong listened intently, not wanting to break away from Seunghyun’s gaze; thinking the other man had finally recalled something. "I know we've just met..."

And Jiyong's heart broke, his world crashing down. For a moment, a swift blackness overtook his vision and he fell backwards. 

"Ji!" Seunghyun supported the boy by the back of his head, bringing his focus back. 

"Don't,” he rasped, breaking down. “Please don’t say it.” 

"Jiyong, listen, I'm sorry, but I have to." Jiyong made a move to shut his ears, but Seunghyun took both wrists into his hand. "I think I'm in love with you." 

Silence, confusion, and then pain.

"Wh-at?"

"I mean... I don't even know if you like me, if it’s mutual. I don't know anything about you, yet. I don't know your past, your pain and I clearly don't know about the demons you're fighting." Seunghyun was now rambling, his turn to fumble with the ends of his sleeve. "I can give you some time to think about it. If, if you don't reject me... And then if you'd like to, we can take it slowly... Get to know each other better. I don't know, Ji... But I feel a connection with you, I think it's stronger than just attraction..." He looked into Jiyong's eyes, a wistful smile on his face. "I'd like to take care of you Jiyong, I want to be there for you." 

Jiyong's head throbbed painfully. What was going on? This had to be some sick joke of a second chance. He let out a pained laughter, rocking himself and holding his head in his hands; laughing so hard till he teared. He looked up at Seunghyun, "Do you know what you're saying Seunghyun?" His was tone mocking, a maniacal light in his eyes. Jiyong didn't know what to feel, there was a mixture of deep betrayal, of how he was so easily forgotten.

It had taken so much for him to accept the fact that Seunghyun had lost all memories of only him, of only their story. It had taken so long for him to shut down his heart, to detach himself from his feelings and watch him lead a new life from afar; one that did not involve him, while knowing that he could never, ever love anyone else but Seunghyun. But now, his lover that had all memory of him wiped clean had fallen in love with him all over again. There would be no reminiscing of the old times with Seunghyun, no forgiveness, only the future, the present and that nauseating sweet hope. He laughed at the irony, he laughed so hard that his body trembled and his sides ached.

Seunghyun saw how unstable the boy was now, but he wasn't one to give up without a fight. "I would like to stay to make sure you're okay but I guess it's not a good time..." 

"Leave." Jiyong breathed, the tears spilling out of his eyes. If Seunghyun stayed any longer and he was certain he would cry himself dry. Seunghyun nodded at the very same moment. He stood up and headed towards the door. He hasn't informed the boy that the door was ruined, but it could wait.

"Think about it Jiyong” He whispered, his tone firm but pleading. "I'll be away for a week starting tomorrow. If I return and you're by the bridge I'll take it as an answer. If you're not, then I guess this is goodbye then." 

Jiyong continued rocking himself, his eyes unfocused, teeth chewing on a now swollen bottom lip. 

"Take care Ji..."