THIN AIR - CHAPTER 17
THIN AIRSorry for the delay! I've been catching up on sleep inbetween travelling point A to B, so its taken awhile.
Live from Japan guys! ~~ a short one!
meanwhile it's G-Dragon's Fukuoka show today! Let's wish him luck!
I'm heading to Harajuku now! Love and miss all!
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Four days, that was exactly how long he hadn't heard from Seunghyun. In between spending his days in the hospital, Jiyong had tried everything. He sent text messages, voice mails; but the line remained off. There was always still a tiny glimmer of hope whenever he picked up his phone. And that hope would always shatter the moment the call went through. He cried over it and his body suffered along with him. Now dressed and looking into the mirror before he was discharged, the boy could hardly recognize himself. His eyes were puffy and swollen, his cheeks swelled a little from the lack of sleep. And his already thin frame appeared even more ghastly. He looked exactly like how he did three years ago, lost without his anchor. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the phone, typing a message to Seunghyun. The cycle would repeat, and the heartache grew worse. But because Jiyong was foolish, he would do it all over again.
'I miss you, please call me.'
He knew he wasn't going to get a reply. He knew the call would never come back. At least not now. He signed the documents haphazardly, not bothering to check his medication when the pharmacist passed him the bag. He knew what was in there and wondered if there was something that could take away the pain he felt from Seunghyun avoiding him. Back at home, Jiyong collapsed on the bed, pulling out his inhaler as the wheezing started. The boy felt exhausted, faint; like the steps he climbed on the way up were much longer than he remembered. He didn't know if he had gotten so much worse so fast or if it was from his constantly tense emotions. He blamed the emotions, he blamed himself for screwing everything up. Maybe he should have never allowed himself to fall again. He should have just lived that half-life he regressed into since the accident. The boy flew into a crying fit, coughing and coughing until the pain tolled, until he was weak enough to pass out. Jiyong allowed the darkness to take over, it was like that without Seunghyun anyway. He was thrown into a void where there was no light, no oxygen, no air. Just like that he submerged, knowing he would only wake again when the suffocation seized, and the pain would begin all over again.
He pried himself off the bed, it was morning of the next day. Jiyong got out his suitcase and wrapped a jacket around him, just like that another day had passed. He decided he would sell today, not wanting to stay in the room that reminded him of Seunghyun, that still smelled like Seunghyun. It was snowing heavily, streets covered in a thick blanket of white. He could possibly freeze to death, but he didn't care, it didn't matter; he was just fast-forwarding the four month window.
There were few people on the streets today, but Jiyong managed to sell more than a handful of his designs. Among the items he laid out, the boy noticed a jarringly colorful piece; the proud product of Seunghyun's work. Jiyong reached for it carefully, unhooking his chain and slipping it through together with the ring.
"That looks lovely!"
Jiyong looked up at the source of sound, finding a girl in her teens, excitedly pointing at the pendant he was wearing. "It does..." He replied softly, "but it isn't for sale..."
"Oh... I had thought of buying it."
"I'm sorry... It's a very special piece." He leaned towards his goods, picking up another chunky pendant. He held it up to her, "please, take this instead."
"Oh no! Mister, I can't!" The girl shook her head, blush creeping onto her cheeks.
"No, it's alright." He offered her a small smile, "as an apology." She hesitated at first, but took it as he insisted.
"Thank you!" She smiled, hopping to the side. "You're very lucky mister!"
Jiyong eyed her curiously, "why?"
"Your girlfriend must love you a lot!" She gestured to the pendant. "The colors look good on you!"
The boy's smile fell, feeling his heart clench. He unconsciously reached to press the pendant against his chest. "He... He does..." He whispered, almost inaudible.
The girl caught it and she blushed again, understanding what the vendor meant. "Oh... It doesn't matter anyway! As long as you love each other! I'll be leaving now! Thank you for your gift!"
Jiyong saw her off with a wave, eyes fixed on her retreating figure until she disappeared beyond his sight. He fell back into an uncomfortable silence, suffocating and deafening. He silently prayed for his next customer to come by fast. Wanting to just lessen the heaviness in his heart for even a few minutes.
"Jiyong?" An unfamiliar voice, snapped him out of his reverie. "I can't believe it! Kwon Jiyong!"
Jiyong frowned, shifting the weight in his shoulders and looked up. "Sorry, do I know you?"
The well built man laughed, pulling brown hair off his face, giving Jiyong the cheesiest smile ever. "It's me! Daesung!"
Daesung... Daesung... Jiyong's eyes flew wide in recognition and he let out a loud laughter. "Kang Daesung!" He pointed a finger at the other boy's eyes, "I see your eyes haven't grown larger!"
"Yah! You're still such a prick!" The boy chuckled, eyes curving into half moons again. "What are you doing here?" He crouched down beside him, face suddenly soft. "It's been what? Four years?"
"Yes... It's been awhile," Jiyong shifted closer, "how's your girlfriend?"
"Ah... We broke up," he pouted, toying with a bracelet.
"Oh, I'm so sorry..."
Daesung shook his head, shaggy hair all over his face. "She couldn't deal with the job. You know, not everyone's as lucky as you and Seunghyun."
Seunghyun... Jiyong froze, breath caught in throat. The mention of the name was too much for him and he began to cough, immediately pulling out the inhaler and taking a breath from it.
"I see your health still hasn't been wonderful to you," Daesung remarked dryly.
Jiyong nodded, offering the boy an embarrassed smile. "Sorry... Hey... Are you still?" Daesung gave him a quizzical look, and he continued. "You know, dealing?"
He shook his head again, "quit for her, but it came too late. Do you need something? I thought you quit?"
"Not now," he replied, tone flat. If the morphine wasn't working well, he could find other ways to deal with the pain. This was him again, life down the gutter. Same Jiyong, only three years apart.
"Well, I could make you a few calls... What do you need?"
"Something that's good for pain..."
The boy turned rigid, his eyes falling away from Jiyong's. "it's the accident isn't it? You know, we all thought you wouldn't make it. Both you and Seunghyun... How is he?"
"He... He's..." He stuttered as he fought to find words. "He's... Different." Daesung cast him a look and Jiyong shook his head, explaining. "He doesn't remember me..."
"What? Oh god, Ji... I'm so sorry..."
He shook his head again, "no... It's... It's fine... He survived, so it's fine." He can do better without me. He's now okay without me. Maybe now, was a good time to finally let go. Fate had pushed them too far apart. "Do we have a deal?"
Daesung nodded, pulling out his phone. "I'll give you a call," they both exchanged numbers and Daesung stood to leave. "Take care of yourself Ji..."
Jiyong smiled back at the boy, he knew that look in his eyes, sympathetic and kind. The look people would give him when they heard about his parents leaving him. "I'll see you around!" He called, waving at the departing figure.
Seunghyun let the newspaper drop into a heap on the floor, eyeing his room-service breakfast warily before sitting up and poking at a slice of bacon with the fork. It had been an entire week since he had been told the truth of his condition. He now knew that certain aspects of his life before the accident had been hidden from him. He also knew that he had no idea of himself anymore, who he was and where was he going to go to. He had worked himself up in a hotel, turned off his phone just to shut himself off from the world, a world that had passed by too fast without his knowledge. From time to time he thought that he would rather not know the truth, that he would be better off as who he was now. But the past mattered, it mattered to Jiyong and now it rested uneasily on Seunghyun because Jiyong was there too, somewhere hidden in the forgotten memories. The tall man spotted something at the corner of the table, his discarded phone. He got up, warily walked over and slumped beside it, finally turning it on.
The device came to life with a crazy amount of beeping, text messages and notices of voice mails flooding his screen. Some of them were from work, his secretary, his mother and then father. But one name stood out among the rest, appearing the most number of times; Jiyong. He tapped the messages one by one, reading them carefully. With each one, Seunghyun felt a piece of his heart slip away. Eventually he got to the voice mails, Jiyong's voice getting increasingly smaller with each one he left, his throat sounding scratchier, sometimes raw. Every message trailed off with the sounds of quiet sobbing and tired whispers of 'I love yous'. Mail number fifty-two was the last one, and that had been this morning. Seunghyun's hands clutched at the phone tighter, this time allowing the tears to fall.
'Hey... It's me again.' It began, soft and easy. 'Are you still mad at me? Is that why you...' A shuddering intake of breath and Seunghyun could see the boy shaking as he spoke. 'Are you not coming back to me? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry... Maybe I shouldn't have told you. I didn't consider your feelings, I was selfish. I wanted you to know so bad. I didn't want you to think there was someone else on my mind, when it was always, always just you. I'm so sorry Hyun...' Seunghyun heard precious seconds pass in silence, the sound of Jiyong's breath on the line, inhaling and exhaling. 'Talk to me Hyun, please.' And there it was again, the distinct sound of Jiyong crying. 'If you're... If you're not coming back tell me. I'll be okay, I'll be fine.' A pause, and the taller man knew he was lying, that the pain with which he spoke the words was possibly almost physical. 'I won't bother you again if that's what you want. I just, I need to know how you are. Please, call me. I love you.' The line clicked to an end, Seunghyun's face buried into his knees, shaking as he balled in on himself. In an instant, his emotions kicked in hard and heavy. Unable to convince himself to do other wise, Seunghyun dialed for Jiyong's number.
The line went through quick, the shaky voice answering almost the instant it rang. "S-seunghyun?"
"Jiyong," He breathed.
"Seunghyun... Oh my god... Are you, are you okay?"
"No..." He trembled at Jiyong's voice, so sweet and so full of love. What about you, are you okay? "I'm not okay."
"Where are you right now?" He could hear the shuffling of clothes and then the click of Jiyong's boots.
"The Hyatt," Seunghyun's voice was breaking. "Don't, don't come. I don't know if I'm ready to see you yet."
"I'm on my way," too late, too late, reason was out the door and he was already running, legs carrying him to where Seunghyun was. He needed to make sure the older man was okay. Just a glance, a sign and that was going to be enough for him.
"Jiyong, please don't. I can't see you right now. Turn back." Seunghyun's voice was breaking.
"Seunghyun please, I just need to know you're okay. Just for a second, I promise."
"I have to go... I won't see you, I'm sorry." With that, he ended the call, spiraling together with his thoughts. His emotions were a wreck, draining him physically; what would happen when Jiyong showed up? What would he do if he saw him? Seunghyun wasn't sure if he could stop, he wasn't sure of himself anymore.
He watched from the window, eyes not leaving the street until a cab pulled into the lobby and a petite blonde exited, making a run into the hotel. He had called the concierge not to let anyone up here, Jiyong would realize that soon, and then he would leave. And his upset heart would be at a small peace. Minutes passed and the boy appeared at the lobby again, the previous burst of energy gone. Jiyong paced, walking left and right, finger caught in his mouth, chewing on a nail. Seunghyun's hand was pressed unconsciously against the window, in his line of sight; Jiyong's form was just in the curling of his fingers. The boy slumped back against a signboard, shoulders drooping like deadweight. Seunghyun continued watching, but Jiyong didn't leave. He caught Jiyong typing and rushed to his phone just as it buzzed.
'Im here. I'll wait.'
Why? Why was he so relentless? So stubborn? 'Leave.' He typed.
'No.' The reply was as quick as the moment he saw Jiyong flick the phone to silent it, slipping it back inside his pocket.
An hour passed, and then two. Seunghyun wandered back and forth from the window. Every time he looked downstairs it only served to affirm that the boy was still there waiting. The skies grew dark, heavy clouds giving way to cold droplets of winter rain. Seunghyun saw Jiyong shift further in to the walkway, only the colorful red and yellow tips of his boots were visible. Thunder rumbled and the rain grew worse, pelting heavily on the window panes. Seunghyun tiptoed, face pressed against the glass for a better look. The boots shifted, angling themselves awkwardly, water sliding off leather. A blonde head peeked out from under the walkway, hair all dripping wet and matted to the sides. Every resolve left in Seunghyun broke, he turned away from the window, grabbing a coat and making a mad run for the lift, pressing the sign for the lobby repeatedly. The glass doors slid open and Seunghyun reached to grab him, the cold moisture from the boy's jacket making him swear. "Are you out of your mind?"
Jiyong turned in the grip, staring past the shock until brown eyes found his face and turned gentle, the light returning to them. "Seunghyun..." He rested a hand on Seunghyun's cheek, his skin was cold, fingers trembling. "You look thin... But it's good," a pained look took his features and the boy nodded to himself, "it's so good to see you."
Moments passed between them and Seunghyun held the coat over their heads to shelter him and the boy. He could no longer tell the difference between tears or stray raindrops on Jiyong's face. "Why are you doing this? Why have you come all the way out here, in the rain?"
"Because I love you," The words rolled out like they had been always at the tip of his tongue, just waiting for the correct second to spill out of his lips. Jiyong's eyes were earnest, and something in Seunghyun pleaded with him to believe it. It seemed so strange that just a week ago, he would have rained kisses over the boy for just saying that. Now it just doubled his uncertainty, throwing him off the rocks.
"Why?" He asked, unable to move away from Jiyong's touch. Why do I not remember? Why does it have to be so hard? Why is it you?
"Hyun, I'm so sorry." The corners of his lips trembled as he forced himself to keep the smile. "I should really go now. I'm sorry for everything," he added quickly, knees unstable as he backed away. "Thank you for coming to see me." Jiyong gave his hand a slight squeeze, letting go with difficulty. The blonde retreated into the crowd behind him, feet locking on one another. Jiyong brought a hand to his head, a feeble frown creasing his features before his eyes rolled backwards, body sliding to a puddle on the ground.
"Jiyong!" The passerbys next to Jiyong gasped in shock, quickly parting as Seunghyun shoved a way through them, knees caving at the same time he reached Jiyong's side. "Ji!" He slapped him lightly, cradling the limp form in his arms, suddenly realizing how chilly his skin felt. He quickly carried him and made a run back to the hotel, informing the reception to call for a doctor, bringing the boy back to his room.
Seunghyun turned the heater up by a few degrees, hastily stripping Jiyong of his drenched clothes, wrapping the boy firmly with a bathrobe. He carefully let him lie on the bed, a towel behind his head, whispering feverishly to him while drying his hair. "You'll be alright, you'll be alright."
A private doctor arrived half and hour later. The middle aged lady took one look at Jiyong and immediately asked Seunghyun to move out of the way, not even giving the tall man a chance to greet her. The doctor whipped out her equipment, listening to the boy's heartbeat and breathing; the frown between her brows deepening.
"What's wrong with him? Is he okay?"
"What's his name sir?"
"What?"
The doctor removed her stethoscope from Jiyong's chest, turning around to look at Seunghyun sharply. "I need his name."
"Jiyong..." It was Seunghyun who now bit his nails. "His name is Jiyong."
"Jiyong-sshi," the doctor called, feeling the boy's forehead. Jiyong had started to sweat, his lips shuddering. "Jiyong-sshi, can you hear me?" She turned to Seunghyun again, "has he been in the rain?"
"Yes..."
"How long?"
"I don't know! Two hours? Maybe more..."
She shook her head at him with a look that told him off before returning her attention to Jiyong, listening with the stethoscope. She then pulled out a syringe and vial of fluid, extracting some before swabbing Jiyong's arm, pushing the medicine into his blood stream. "He's extremely weak, breathing and heartbeat erratic. I need to come back with proper medication for his condition."
"Condition? What condition?" He gestured to the exposed scars on Jiyong's chest. "Isn't this because of the pain from the accident?"
"Sir, that's one part of it. Your friend here has a very severe case of asthma, did you know that?"
"What? No... I..."
"It looks like he hasn't been well for awhile. Being in the rain worsened it." She stood up and got her bag, "I'll come back with the things he needs, in the meantime please keep him warm. And try to wake him, he might slip if he remains unconscious."
"Excuse me? Slip?"
"We might loose him." She looked at him sadly, "stay with him."
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