THIN AIR - CHAPTER 18
THIN AIRHello! I'm still in Japan! I'm stoked cause I just managed to get GD's concert tickets! Well not extremely close but I'm so excited cause its my first BB/GD show! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!
so here's a mini chapter of sorts. I have no idea how many words but its what I wrote while I'm here; well the inspiration just flooded.
Japan is beautiful! I was so lucky to see many cherry blossoms undisturbed by the storm from Tokyo this week! That being said, I'm so depressed to go back home tomorrow. I wish I could stay longer.
How has the week been for all of you? Please tell me about your week! I'm so happy this has opened me up to so many people! Can't express my love more ~~~~ chuuu!
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Seunghyun had no chance to respond before he heard the door shut. The tall man sank into the chair, head bent as he tried to take in the information all at once. He rubbed red eyes against the back of his palm, taking deep breaths to compose himself. Exhaling, he took the boy's hand. "Jiyong... Hey... Can you hear me?" He his hand gently, hoping to return some warmth to Jiyong, and the tears started to fall. "Didn't you say you'd tell me everything?" He sobbed heavily, the events of the past week coupled with Jiyong's condition was too much for him to take. "You said you'll explain... I'll let you, I'm waiting... So please..."
Suddenly Jiyong's sleeping form turned rigid and then violent shivers took the boy. He began to gasp, twisting in pain against the sheets. "Jiyong!" Seunghyun leaned closer, pushing back sweat matted hair. Jiyong let out a sharp, painful intake of air; wheezing and coughing.
"Seung... Seunghyun..." His brows nodded, eyes opening slightly unfocused; before shutting again. "Seunghyu-n..."
"Ji! I'm here!"
The hand in his gripped tightly, knuckles turning white. Jiyong's back arched and curled with bolts of pain. "Se-unghyun... I'm sorry... Seunghyun..." The boy let the words slip unconsciously, a nightmare on his weary mind. Tears plodded out of shut eyes, pouring down a whitened cheek. "I'm sorry..."
Seunghyun held his hand tighter, his own tears wetting it. "No, don't..." he couldn't take another apology from Jiyong, the words tore at his heart, painful and raw. "Please just stay..."
The boy let out a strangled groan and Seunghyun wanted to take him into his arms. But he didn't dare to, afraid that he would cause Jiyong unnecessary pain. He whispered pointless words of comfort over and over again, keeping one hand over Jiyong's, matching his grip; the other one through blonde hair. "Babe it's okay, please stay strong."
He was never more glad when the doctor returned, quickly stepping aside and letting her do her job. He watched tensed, as Jiyong was given injection after injection; the boy in his barely conscious state, still not responsive to the doctor's calls; tossing and shivering on the bed. After the last jab passed, Jiyong's ragged breathing seemed to even out as he slipped firmly back into unconsciousness, vice-like grip on the sheets loosening. The doctor let out a breath and stood up, wiping sweat from her brow. She turned to address Seunghyun. "Luckily for us, he's still fighting. But he's in a lot of pain and very weak, don't try to move him; I've given him a low dose of morphine and something to help him rest. The medicine should wear off in the night."
"Will he wake by then?"
She shook her head, "I'm not sure, his body may still be in a state of shut down." She scribbled something on a piece of paper. "If he develops a fever or if he gets worse, you have to get him hospitalized."
"Yes, I will. Thank you."
"Sir?" She turned from the door. "Might I suggest not letting him out in the rain any time soon? It's really not good for him." Seunghyun hung his head, apologizing and the doctor glared at him from the doorway. "I'll be taking my leave."
Seunghyun saw her off and returned to the bedside, Jiyong's hair gently. "I'm sorry Ji..." He broke down crying into the bed sheets. "I left you when I shouldn't have... I'm confused, and tired... Please don't give up." Seunghyun did not let go of Jiyong's hand even as he fell into a tired, fearful sleep beside the boy. He woke on and off to check on him, unable to sleep well. Seunghyun fussed over blankets, temperature; wiping down collected cold sweat on the blonde's lips and face. He was holding the cloth to Jiyong's neck, the older hand rubbing sleep away from his eyes when he noticed the silver ring around Jiyong's neck. There, right next to it, lying on top of the boy's chest was the huge, colorful pendant he made. It rose and fell together with Jiyong's breathing, sharp bright colors like a contrasting mockery to Jiyong's too pale skin. Seunghyun carefully lifted it, watching as it caught light that danced off its edges. "You really like it huh?" He asked softly, caressing the blonde's cheek. "There's a past I don't know of. When you're better, tell me everything. I promise Ji, I won't freak out. I'll listen to everything. I want to know everything." He pressed his lips on Jiyong's, ignoring the bitter chill of his skin and the way his lips chapped. "Baby," the words sounded foreign to him, he hadn't addressed Jiyong in intimacy for almost a week, "Please be okay."
Jiyong showed the first signs of response to his surroundings two nights later. Seunghyun would feel the slight curl of fingers against his hand, and would wake to Jiyong mouthing something to him, eyelids fluttering as his body struggled to function. Seunghyun pressed his ear close, clasping the boy's hand tighter. "What is it? What is it?" He cooed to Jiyong, coaxing him to go on.
"Hy-un..." Came the whisper, breathy and strained. "So tired..."
Seunghyun was glad that he even opened his eyes, he lifted the hand to his lips, pressing a chaste kiss to it. "You've been sleeping for so long... "
"Hyun?" Eyes fluttered shut again; a small exhale escaping dry lips.
"Yes Ji?"
"Are you... Going to... leave me?"
"Ji... I..." Just as he spoke the hand in his slackened and Jiyong drifted back to sleep. Seunghyun whispered his reply beside the sleeping boy's ear. "I won't, I'm so sorry Jiyong..." A tear slid out of Jiyong's eyes and Seunghyun apologized again, pressing the top of his head against Jiyong's arm. "I'm so sorry."
From then on, Seunghyun would not leave the bedside unless he absolutely had to. He showered quickly, forgetting to even shave. A close stubble had grown out on his chin and upper lip. He looked scraggly and worn out, but Seunghyun could not care, he wanted to be there when Jiyong fully woke. He had just made it out of the shower, hair undone and waist wrapped loosely in a towel when he heard soft strains of coughing. Seunghyun raced to the bedside, landing hard on his knees. Jiyong's eyes were still shut but there was a characteristic frown on his face that told Seunghyun he was about to wake. "Jiyong?" He called softly, slipping his hand into the boy's.
The blonde let out a groan, fingers curling around Seunghyun's. Brown eyes opened, shutting when the light stung them, tears red lined edges as he slowly blinked the haze away. "S-Seunghyun?" His throat was far too dry and he broke into another cough, his frame rattling with the force.
Seunghyun reached for a glass of water, pressing a straw between dry lips. "Take your time... It's okay..."
Jiyong squeezed his eyes shut, taking a sip of the water, sputtering and coughing as seared down his throat. Seunghyun reached to help him sit, Jiyong leaned into him like a rag doll, too light and weightless. Blonde hair was buried in his shoulder and Jiyong's hand was on his. The taller man carefully adjusted him against the pillows, waiting for the pained expression to pass into that of submissive tiredness. "Where... Where am I?"
"My hotel room," he touched the boy's hand, rubbing circles on the back on his palm. "You passed out on the streets."
Jiyong looked at him, a myriad of expressions flashing in his eyes. Confusion, fear and then lastly pain. "I'm sorry... Troubled you..."
"Ji, it's okay... You need to rest, the doctor says-"
Jiyong shot up, hands gripping his, breathing escalating sharply. "The doctor?" He coughed, clutching at his constricting chest. "What doctor?"
"Calm down!" Seunghyun steadied him, running a hand through his hair. "Please." He begged, it was too difficult to see the blonde under such pressure.
"What doctor Seunghyun?" He implored him, eyes not leaving his.
"Please lean back!" Jiyong sagged into his arms and he could hear the terrible wheezing on the boy's chest against his. "Lay back..." He said, softer this time.
Jiyong couldn't argue, eyes becoming heavy again, hands slacking. "Hyun..." He rasped, trembling.
"It's okay... I got a doctor to look at you," he let the boy lean back against the pillows again. Seunghyun noticed Jiyong's lips were almost the same shade as his blonde hair, bloodless and pale. "Your asthma..." He began, "you never told me about it..." Jiyong opened his eyes to look at him and Seunghyun could see that he was going to apologize and stopped him. "It's serious." Relief broke in Jiyong, a weight lifting from his shoulders, it was easier to breathe now that he knew that his ticking clock had not been revealed to Seunghyun. "Why didn't you tell me?" He whispered.
Jiyong shook his head, "it's not important..."
"How is it not important?" He yelled, "what if you, you could have died!" And Jiyong shut his ears, emotions and mind pushed to the edge. "And if anything happened to you... I would..."
"We're over aren't we?" The words were small, too soft; the boy's hands fisted at the sides of his hair. "Everything... Everything... Is over..."
"Ji..." He wanted to tell him, to reassure him, but in truth he had no idea what they were right now, or if things were going to be okay.
He shifted closer, pressing the boy into his arms.
Jiyong tilted his head so his cheek rested on Seunghyun's chest, listening to the firm beating of his heart, savoring the warmth of the man he loves. "Just let me stay... a little longer..." His tears wet the older man's shoulder, droplets on bare skin.
"Ji, look at me." He cupped the boy's cheeks and Jiyong shook his head, mind still hazy from sickness, too exhausted to think straight. "I'm not leaving, you're staying here until you get better..."
"No... no... no... Please don't..."
"I'll take you home when you're better, I'm not going anywhere."
"No!" Jiyong shot from his arms, fear in his eyes. He backed away from Seunghyun, closing in on himself, a dark veil clouding his vision causing him to almost black out again. Seunghyun caught him in time and pulled him back, trying to soothe his shivers. "I don't, I don't want to go home..."
"Ji..."
"It smells like you..." He cried into the man's arms. "There's too much, too much of you..." Jiyong began to mumble, his mind going back deep into his memories; fuzzy along with the tiredness that tolled on his bones.
"Jiyong," Seunghyun rocked the boy in his arms, holding him steadily. "Please, we'll talk when you're better."
"Don't make me... I don't want to go back..." He looked up at Seunghyun, eyes wide and fearful, hands tearing futilely against his skin.
"Jiyong..."
"Seunghyun?"
"What is it?" He took his hand, meaning to offer some comfort.
"Kill me." Tears plodded out of Jiyong's unblinking eyes, falling into their hands and the covers. A strange smile on his sickly face. "Just kill me... I'm not going to make it without you anyway."
A piece of him cracked and shattered at the words that left Jiyong's lips. Seunghyun's tears began to fall, it hurt; the overwhelming flood of feelings rushed at him; straight to the chest, leaving him pained and aware. "Don't say that..."
"Do it," Jiyong's voice dropped to a whisper, a tell-take sign of how exhausted he was, lying unmoving in Seunghyun's arms.
He pressed a lingering kiss against the boy's sweaty forehead. "I'll listen to everything Ji... So please, please don't say that."
Jiyong wasn't listening, he was trapped in a world where he was alone. All there was left to him was fear, emptiness and a huge gaping hole where his heart was. He didn't even feel like he was breathing, the surroundings passing by his eyes like a suffocating fog. "Please..." now he was barely audible, mind and body at the edge of unconsciousness, "kill me."
Sunlight drifted through the curtains, falling on cold skin like the warmth of a silky caress, a large slender hand resting on top of his arm. Heavy lids fluttered open easily, the haze from before gone. Jiyong lifted himself to a sitting position, shifting the covers for more room. He realized he was in a foreign room, an expensive one. The sheets and bedspread were pristine, pressed and ironed well. The walls of the room adorned with paintings from famous artists. But the rest of the room was left a mess, scattered glasses and newspapers littered the bedside table, and there were medicine sachets accompanying a wash basin on the coffee table. He lifted a hand to his forehead; had he been sick again? And how long was he out for? Where was this place again? He retrieved his phone from the bedside table, pressing a button to check the date; Friday, when he had been to see Seunghyun it was only Monday.
Seunghyun... Jiyong bolted off the bed, pulling his bathrobe tighter; he slowly padded across the room. "Hello?" He called, peeping down the hallway. There was no one in sight and he turned the corner to a door he assumed was the bathroom; the sound of running water coming from inside. "Hello-" He was cut off when the door suddenly opened, a surprised Seunghyun standing in front of him. Jiyong gasped, nearly falling over as his knees unaccustomed to walking for days, buckled over.
"Ji!" Seunghyun caught him by the arm, almost dragging him until they reached the sofa, pressing him into the seat. "What are you doing up?" He squatted in front of him, hair dripping wet and brows furrowed. "Are you okay? Is there any pain? You shouldn't be walking around! How do you feel? Thirsty? Are you hungry?"
Jiyong looked at him, confused by the tide of questions, even more confused as to why Seunghyun was here. Was he at his hotel room? Didn't they part ways in the walkway? "S-Seunghyun?" He croaked, "you... Why are you here? Where am I?"
"You don't remember?" He asked softly, a hand reaching out to his cheek. "You passed out on the streets. I brought you back up here. You woke on and off, but you were in a terrible shape."
"I passed out?" Jiyong looked lost, hands gripping at the fabric of the bathrobe, teeth chewing on a bruised lower lip.
"In case you're wondering, the doctor told me about your asthma. You asked about this when you woke previously..." The boy cast him a look and he quickly went on to explain. "You were still very sick then and sort of rambling, so I guess you don't remember that either. And the doctor kind of told me off when she realized you had been out in the rain..."
"I'm sorry... I don't..."
"No, it's okay Ji. I just wished you would have told me." A small smile broke out on Seunghyun's face, "I could have taken more care of you."
"You..." He cleared his throat, "you what?" He let his eyes fix on Seunghyun, he needed to be sure he wasn't hearing things.
"Ji..." He paused, "Is this a good time? Cause if you're tired we can leave this till later..." Jiyong shook his head, urging him to continue. He didn't want to wait for later, he had no idea how long was later, and how many 'laters' he had left. Seunghyun gave him a crooked smile, reassured; and spoke. "I've... I've been doing a lot of thinking... You know about... My past, our past." He felt Jiyong's shoulders tense a little and offered him another smile to ease him. "I've thought a lot especially while you were sick... And I, even if I can't remember, I couldn't stand the thought of loosing you. I don't even want to let you out of my sight..." He sighed, taking Jiyong's hand and using it to cup his own cheek; relishing in the familiar feeling of slender, bony fingers caressing his cheek bone. "Its sick isn't it? I don't remember anything, I don't know anything and yet I've never wanted anyone so badly in my entire life."
"Seunghyun..." Tears were pouring down Jiyong's cheek, his idle hand wiping at his eyes.
"In a very crazy sense... I'm glad it was you, I'm glad it's always been you."
"Are you sure?" His eyes held a terrible expression of pain, and crazy anticipation; and all Seunghyun could think about was how to make him smile, smile, smile. Anything, yes; he would give anything.
"Yes, I'm sure." He brought cool fingers to his lips, kissing them softly. "I know you are." He lifted the chain and pendants off Jiyong's neck, holding them in his hand. "You're sure, then I am."
"Thank you..." He whispered, shaking from his sobs. "Thank you for staying with me."
"Thank you for not giving up." Seunghyun lifted a finger to wipe the tears away. "Tell me everything Ji, I promise to try to remember... I don't know if I will, but please, I want to know." Jiyong nodded, speaking hushed words of promise and Seunghyun leaned forwards, wrapping his arms around the boy's thinner frame; embracing him in honesty. If this was the future he was looking to, grasping hold of the past wouldn't be so bad. If Jiyong was there he could run, fall and leap forwards. Because in Jiyong's hands, he was sure even the uncertainty would become something magical.
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