Anxiety, It Just Stops Your Life

Dreams Don't Turn to Dust

     Leaning against the door, Hei-Ryung allowed her cotton grocery bags to drop to the floor and rested one hand over her heart. It was beating wildly, and not just because the elevator was out of order, forcing her to take the stairs- she wasn't that out of shape. Rather, she believed the cause to be attributed to the young man she had bumped into multiple times that morning, and the question she had been trying to push through her lips but could never manage to voice. With a sigh, she gathered the bags up again and moved into the kitchen to unpack.

     "I shouldn't be struggling this much." Leaving the refrigerator door open, Hei-Ryung began emptyin out the various fresh vegetables she had splurged on. "Daehyun won't be angry with me for attempting to..." She paused, carrot in hand, to try and think of the word that had just eluded her. "Impress? Intrude? Infiltrate?" Huffing, she shook her head and rested the carrot atop it's brethren, which had already formed  home inside the crisping drawer. "Inconvenience? Almost, but... not quite." Frowning, she finished putting the vegetables away and, after a short struggle to get the crisper to shut- she never had gotten around to cleaning out the now months-old spilled soda- moved into the living area. She had been attempting some semblance of Spring cleaning before suddenly realizing that she had nothing to eat that evening, so, naturally, everything looked worse than when she had started. Eventually,  Hei-Ryung intended to finish cleaning and, hopefully, everything would go back to the way it was. After all, you didn't really need to clean; you just needed to be able to say that you had put forth a valiant effort. Especially when you had a neighbor such as Mrs. Hong.

     Carefully stepping around the stacks of books lying in haphazard piles on the floor- she had been dusting off her book shelves- Hei-Ryung glanced around for one of the three thesauri she owned. Fortunately, one of the triplets was sitting precariously at the top of a rather large stack of dictionaries and encyclopedias- most of which had never been opened. Plucking it off the top with as much care as she could manage, Hei-Ryung waited for a moment to make sure the stack wouldn't tumble downward before turning her back to it and flipping open the thesaurus. Which, of course, served as an invitation for the pile to come crashing down into the back of her legs. Too focused on finding the proper word to pay attention to the bruises Webster and his gang of thugs had inflicted upon her, however, Hei-Ryung ignored the fallen stack and moved to lean against the back of her couch- the couch itself was also covered in books.

     Trailing her finger down the list of words beneath inconvenience, the closest word she could come up with, Hei-Ryung waited for the one she was searching for to jump out at her. None of them were what she was looking for, however. "Infringe, maybe?" Moving forward a few pages, she started scanning the new list. "Encroach? It's a good word, but not the one I'm thinking of. Intrude? Meddle? Impose? Impose!" Shutting the book with a triumphant snap, Hei-Ryung grinned. "Impose! I am imposing on his kindness!" And with that, her momentary thrill of joy vanished.

     "I'm imposing on Daehyun's kindness." Gently, Hei-Ryung placed the thesaurus with its companions, now scattered wantonly about the floor. "After all, if he wanted to invite me to another of his concerts, he would. I shouldn't be asking for favors like that." She pulled her hair back into a rough rendition of a bun. She would just have to avoid leaving her apartment for the rest of the day, as every time she ran into Daehyun was another opportunity to ask if she could accompany him to yet another performance, or another chance for Daehyun to guess there was something on her mind. He already appeared to suspect that she may have something to ask him; at least, she assumed that was why he had stuck around after they had finished chatting earlier. He hadn't said anything, just stood there and waited for her to speak and address what was on her mind.

     Rather than taking the opportunity he presented her with, Hei-Ryung had her heels and, while spilling a jumbled mess of words behind her that tried to rally into some semblance of an excuse and quick goodbye.

     "That... was rude." In hindsight, she probably should have handled the situation better. "Too late to change things now, though. I'll just have to live with the consequences of my actions and try not to regret the past!" Soaking a clean rag- the one she had been using earlier was nearly completely black- in furniture spray, she crouched on the floor and began rubbing down the bottom shelves. The monotonous task of cleaning gave Hei-Ryung plenty of time to think on her actions, though, and within minutes she was back on her feet and heading out the door to apologize to Daehyun. Except, would it be even more inconsiderate of her to apologize to him but not give a reason for the offending behavior? After all, Daehyun would most likely expect an explanation as to why she had felt the need to so abruptly retreat.

     "I... left my television on. It's the truth-" currently, reruns of Flower Boy Next Door were playing- "but that doesn't require me suddenly leaving. It isn't as though a television runs the risk of spontaneously combusting and engulfing the apartment in flames. It's just a little noisy. So... my stove? I left my stove on? I'm not so stupid as to leave my stove on, though," muttering to herself, Hei-Ryung wrung her hands together and tried to come up with a proper excuse. "I left a candle burning? I have been severely scolded for that in the past, so a natural reaction to realizing I had made the same error again would be to hurry and correct it!" Satisfied with her excuse, Hei-Ryung was about to open the door when someone knocked.

     Hand hovering a mere inch from the handle, Hei-Ryung froze and stared wide-eyed at the source of the unexpected noise. Slowly retracting her hand, Hei-Ryung hoped that whoever had come pay her a visit would give up and leave. Contrary to this desire, they knocked with greater fervor.

     "Hei-Ryung? Did you go out again?" Had he read her mind? Opening the door, Hei-Ryung carefully observed Daehyun's reaction to see if he was upset with her for so abruptly leaving him, and then taking her sweet time in opening the door. He didn't appear to have any dark and stormy clouds billowing about his personage, though, which gave Hei-Ryung enough confidence to expand the crack in her doorway and thus allow for a proper face-to-face conversation.

     "So, what is it you want to tell me?" Sliding his hands into the pockets of his jeans, Daehyun jumped straight to the point. "You've had something on your mind all morning, so..." he allowed the 'o' to drag on for longer than was gramatically necessary in order to emphasize that this was the part where Hei-Ryung was meant to jump in and explain herself.

     She knew this, but she chose to ignore it. Instead, she began to close the door. "Nothing. I haven't been thinking of anything at all for the entirety of the morning. Well, nothing out of the ordinary, at least, and certainly nothing you could help me with! So, really, you don't need to worry about anything and can go back to your business!" The majority of the words were fired out at such a rapid pace they slurred together and became an entirely new, unintelligible language, so Hei-Ryung didn't blame Daehyun for not understanding. Jamming his foot into the swiftly diminishing space between door and wall, then wedging the rest of his body inside, he successfully infiltrated her apartment. Helpless to stop this invastion, Hei-Ryung gaped up at Daehyun.

     "It isn't nothing, so just spit it out already. If you have something to say, then say it." While she was close to being an expert at hiding her feelings- usually in order to preserve her demented sense of tactfulness- Daehyun was not one to disguise how he was feeling from others. It was blazingly obvious he was frustrated, and immediately Hei-Ryung felt apologetic toward him. It would be annoying to have someone constantly hinting at needing to discuss something but then never actually saying it, so she didn't blame him for breaking into her apartment.

     That didn't mean she approved of it, though.

     Folding her arms over her chest, she tried to look more intimidating than she felt. The hot pink sweats and oversized t-shirt she was wearing didn't help make her look very tough, though, so she attempted to compensate by standing on tip-toe and thus giving herself a few extra inches of height. This didn't quite put her at eye-level with the intruder, but at least she could firmly stare down his jaw. "I do have something on my mind, but if I wanted to say it then I would have brought the topic up when we were conversing earlier. I do not have to explain every little idea that pops into my head simply because you..." Daehyun was trying hard not to smile, but the twitching of his mouth gave him away. Pouting, Hei-Ryung dropped back onto her heels and gave up on giving him a proper scolding.

     "Would you like something to drink?" She offered, gesturing for him to follow her further inside. Happily complying, he quickly kicked off his shoes. "I have juice, milk, and water." Listing off the beverages on one hand, she paused briefly at the television to power it off; she didn't imagine Daehyun was the type to watch romantic dramas.

     "I'll just have water." Looking around at the bookocalypse that had occurred, Daehyun tried to find an empty space to take a seat. Noticing the difficulty he was having in achieving this task, Hei-Ryung scooped up an armful of books from the couch and moved them onto the floor. "Sorry. I was dusting..." Sheepishly, she pointed to the bare shelves.

     "I see," Daehyun answered, not sure what else there was to say about the situation Hei-Ryung's apartment was in.

     After getting Daehyun his glass of water and pouring herself a small cup of grape juice, Hei-Ryung sat cross legged on the floor across from him. For a moment, the two sat in a charged silence, waiting for Hei-Ryung to figure out exactly how she was going to explain her request. When she had gotten the words decently organized, she swallowed down her juice in one shot, hoping that by mimicking the consumption of alcohol she would somehow give herself the confident boost usually accompanied by said beverage.

     "As you may already know, I'm an author." Daehyun nodded. "As an author, I find myself needing to do research so that I may better know the subject matter I am working with. There are several parts of the story that I am very intimately acquainted with already..." Hei-Ryung hesitated, wondering if she had said too much, but Daehyun didn't appear interested in what she already knew, since that was obviously not what she would be asking him about. Letting out a small sigh of relief, she continued, "There are other things that I don't know much about, though. I could just make things up, seeing as this is a fictitious tale, but I find that it's more difficult to write when I have nothing to use as a reference. It's a detriment, when writing fiction, to have nothing concrete to anchor yourself to. Which is why, though I've already attended one and am extremely grateful for the opportunity, I would like to... I was wondering if... I need..." Though she had been making headway, Hei-Ryung's mind suddenly decided to give up on moving forward and began treading water, leaving her to nervously rephrase what she wanted to say in an effort to remind her brain where it had left off.

     "You want to come to another concert?" Daehyun could immediately tell that his guess had hit the mark by the way Hei-Ryung stared at him in open amazement, obviously awed by his ability to read minds. Chuckling, he rested his emptied glass on one of the coffee table's few free spaces. "I wish I could say yes, but I don't have any tickets to give out this time. I mean, I guess I could sneak you in backstage-"

     "It's fine! Honestly, I don't want you to break the rules for my sake. It was just a passing thought, nothing that I actually expected you to be able to-"

     "Hei-Ryung!" Reaching over, Daehyun rested his hands on her shoulders to try and prevent her from babbling any further. It worked, and she immediately snapped shut. "I can't get you into the concert itself, but you can come to the rehearsal if you'd like," he offered, removing his hands and smiling at her.

     "Really?"

     Daehyun nodded. "We have to leave now, though." Immediately, Hei-Ryung jumped to her feet and vanished around a corner, presumably to get dressed. "I'll meet you in the hall, alright? I have to grab some things from my apartment," he called after her. Her response wasn't quite understandable, but it sounded close enough to a generic affirmative that he assumed she had heard him. So, after gathering both his and Hei-Ryung's cups and giving them a quick wash in the sink, he left.

 


 

     "Haven't you ever ridden a bus before?" Daehyun teased as he watched the way Hei-Ryung's eyes nervously flitted about the bus, fixating briefly on any people who might be remotely suspicious before quickly moving on, and how she held the strap of her messenger bag like a life line.

     "Of course I've been on a bus before! That doesn't mean I like it, though." As she spoke, Hei-Ryung subtly slid further away from a pair of rambunctious male students who, in their attempt to show off for the lone female student sitting not too far away, were shoving each other around with the hope that she would cease reading long enough to notice them. The girl was completely disinterested in their antics, however. Shaking his head, Daehyun wondered why boys were under the impression that idiotic behavior was attractive. You would think that after multiple failed attempts it would get through their skulls, but every teenager of the male persuasion went through the same motions of being babbling buffoons in the hopes of drawing favorable attention.

     Seeing that their intended audience wasn't paying attention, the boys began pushing with increased fervor and, consequently, one was sent barreling toward Hei-Ryung. Panicking, she unsuccessfully tried to push her way through the crowd in order to avoid the incoming danger. When this proved fruitless, she cringed and prepared to be knocked off her feet and humiliated in front of everyone. She was spared this fate by Daehyun, though. Reaching out, he caught the kid by his collar and altered his trajectory.

     "Cut it out, alright?" He chided, nudging the kid back toward his friend. "You're going to hurt someone."

     "Y-yeah. Sorry," the kid apologized, bowing quickly to both Daehyun and Hei-Ryung before scurrying away to the back of the bus. His friend, after also apologizing, followed. From the corner of her eye, the girl they had been attempting to woo watched the pair hurry away with a hint of a smile on her face. Rolling his eyes at the strange things that attracted teenagers to one another, Daehyun turned back toward Hei-Ryung to make sure she hadn't been hurt. Which, physically, was not the case. She didn't have a single scratch on her, except for the self-inflicted ones she was creating on the palms of her hands from digging her nails into the soft flesh. Leaning over so he could see her face- which she had bowed low to avoid making eye contact with anyone who turned to see what the commotion was about- he noticed that she looked as though, with a little more provocation, she might start crying.

     "Are you okay?" As he reached out to rest a hand on her shoulder, Hei-Ryung flinched away from him so violently that she nearly stumbled into the people behind them, who had started to take notice of her distress. A few voices began whispering with one another, wondering if she was alright and, more importantly, if they would be alright in the event that she possibly snapped and decided to murder them all. Hearing all of this, Hei-Ryung shrunk further into herself and started sinking towards the floor. If she could, she would have run and hid in the nearest bathroom until she had calmed down, but buses didn't have bathrooms. A bus didn't have anywhere to hide, in fact. It was a giant tube crammed full of people, leaving absolutely no privacy.

      Forcing herself to breathe slowly, she clenched her teeth together and fought back the wave of nausea that had hit her. "This is stupid. You're being stupid. Nothing happened. Nobody would even care if you weren't drawing attention to yourself. Stop. Just stop. You're better than this. You have to be better than this. You aren't being normal. You aren't normal. They're staring! Stop it now, Hei-Ryung! STOP!" She bit down hard on her bottom lip to keep from giving a voice to the onslaught of comments her mind was throwing at her. "You can't act like this in front of Daehyun. He's going to know you aren't normal. He's going to be embarassed because of you. He's going to hate you. He's never going to speak to you again. He's going to regret having spoken to you in the first place. He's-"

     The only thing Daehyun intended to do was get Hei-Ryung off the bus, though. After pulling the emergency stop cord, he firmly gripped her wrist and led her through the more-than-willing to part crowd. She was trembling so badly that Daehyun worried she might not be able to stay on her feet long enough to make it off, but somehow she managed to keep her legs under her long enough to reach the door.

     "Sorry. She needs to get off," was the only explanation Daehyun offered as they passed the disgruntled bus driver. Letting Hei-Ryung go first, Daehyun took a moment to apologize to the other passengers before following her off. Hei-Ryung was gone before his feet could touch the pavement, though. Glancing around to see where she had run off to, Daehyun spotted her moving at an increasingly expedient rate back in the direction they had come from. He assumed her intention was to return home, but considering how far they had traveled, it wasn't a plan he was going to allow her to carry out. Setting off at a jog, he quickly caught up to Hei-Ryung and blocked her from continuing forward.

     Immediately, Hei-Ryung burst into tears and, wrapping her arms around her stomach, attempted to make herself as small as was humanly possible. "I'm sorry!" She choked out, vaguely aware that Daehyun had wrapped one arm around her shoulders and was guiding her to a nearby bench. After sitting her down, he rested his guitar on the adjacent seat and offered to grab her a water bottle from a nearby convenience store. Rubbing at the sheen of sweat that had developed on her forehead, Hei-Ryung nodded weakly and fixated her gaze on the cracks in the sidewalk. There were seven, but a few hairline fractures in the pavement could possibly bring the count to ten. There was also what appeared to be the fragmented remains of a worm, roasted by the sun and stomped on mercilessly by the passing pedestrians.

     "This was a bad idea," Hei-Ryung thought, loosening her grip on herself slightly as she rocked back and forth. "I'm just not meant to lead this kind of a life."

     "A little shy, yes, but I tend to take things a bit... well, a lot too far." As he rummaged through his wallet for the wrinkled dollar bills residing inside, Daehyun realized just how serious Hei-Ryung had been when she told him this. Sighing, he handed over the bills and, after receiving his change, left the convenience store with two water bottles. By the time he got back, Hei-Ryung had calmed down somewhat and was sitting pensively at the edge of the bench, staring at nothing but finding great interest in it all the same. It wasn't until he was standing directly beside her that she noticed he had returned, and though she wouldn't look him in the face, she at least acknowledge his existence by accepting the water bottle he passed to her. Quietly sniffling, she tried to twist off the cap but, unable to get a firm grip, only managed to rub her fingers raw.

     "Here." Gently removing the bottle from her hand, Daehyun twisted the cap off in one go.

     "Thank you," Hei-Ryung mumbled, taking the bottle back from him. She didn't drink, though. Rather, she flickered her gaze between Daehyun and the rippling liquid inside her bottle, waiting anxiously for him to, inevitably, get after her for how she behaved. He wasn't interested in chastising her, though. Rather, he focused on swallowing down the majority of the contents of his water bottle. After nearly a minute of silence, Hei-Ryung decided to take the initiative and stood.

     "I'm sorry. I... I'm sorry... I just..." Rubbing at her eyes, she tried to keep the tears from showing up again. It wasn't much use, though. Almost instantaneously, she was back to crying all over again. Sighing, Daehyun tugged on her wrist and brought her back onto the seat beside him. "I should go. It's obvious that this isn't going to work, and-"

    "You made one mistake," Daehyun interrupted, pulling Hei-Ryung down a second time when she attempted to leave. "If everybody gave up after they tripped, nobody would ever finish the race." Unsure what else to do, Hei-Ryung made a vague, noncommittal sound that could be interpreted as agreement. With the understanding that he couldn't expect much else from her at the moment, Daehyun allowed this to pass. "There isn't another bus stop in the area, but-" Hei-Ryung closed and gave up on apologizing again- "the venue isn't too far from here. We can just walk." After successfully sinking his now empty water bottle into a nearby trash bin, Daehyun stood and offered his hand to Hei-Ryung.

     "Sorry. You're probably going to be late now," Hei-Ryung mumbled, allowing Daehyun to help her to her feet.

     "It's fine. Yongguk is always there early enough for the both of us," he chuckled, waving off her concern. "Besides, this means he gets a little more alone time with his girlfriend. Well, almost girlfriend," Daehyun corrected when he saw the look of absolute surprise on Hei-Ryung's face. "If you still want to get together with him, there might be a chance."

     "I am not interested in dating Yongguk!" She retorted, barely taking enough time to swallow down the water she had been guzzling and thus nearly choking on it. Laughing, Daehyun patted her on the back.

     "If you say so."

     "I do say so!"

     Watching Hei-Ryung turn her head to pointedly ignore any further jests, Daehyun smiled. Although she still felt badly about what had transpired on the bus, he was glad to see that she had calmed down enough to put forth a good effort in moving forward.

 


Author's Note:

So... this was supposed to be the first three or so paragraphs of chapter 29, not the entire freaking thing *sighs*  One thing led to another, though, and suddenly we've got all sorts of drama happening! At first I thought that maybe I'd just make an extra long chapter this time, but so much was supposed to happen this time that I wouldn't be able to A) finish the chapter today and B) finish the chapter ever. At least there's a chapter, though! ^-^

Like this story? Give it an Upvote!
Thank you!
katgirl
[5/3] FINALLY hell week is over and I can get back into the swing of things. It might take me a while to put out updates at first, but I'll try my best! TT^TT

Comments

You must be logged in to comment
Marymanou
#1
Ok hands down this is one of the most well written bap stories I ever read! Seriously the storyline, the detailed way you portray all the events as well as the character's personalities, just everything is so amazing~ It feels like reading an actual book hehe please keep up the good work authornim!
imanie93
#2
Chapter 44: i'm waiting for century~please update more~
katgirl
#3
So apparently I just do not have the ability to balance school and writing, especially now that I've started working more. I highly doubt I'll be able to put out any updates during this semester (AGAIN TT^TT), although I might be able to do some writing over Spring Break if I end up staying at home and not going on a road trip with friends. I'm really, REALLY sorry that this story keeps getting put onto the back burner, but the semester will be over at the end of April and I should be able to put out updates again. Until then, thank you for sticking around TT^TT
imanie93
#4
Chapter 43: Please update soon~I'm start addicted for this story~And I don't know why,I keep imagined Hei Ryung as Juniel~haha..
imanie93
#5
Chapter 41: I wonder if Youngjae had any feeling to Hei Ryung~
Dream_Weaver
#6
Chapter 43: Thanks for the update! I actually find myself relating to Hei-Ryung sometimes. I feel like we've all been in a situation where we've written a strongly-worded letter only to delete it before sending. I love how Hei-Ryung is letting her inner detective come out, too. Keep up the great work! :D
Scarierthanakitty
#7
Chapter 41: It's a shame this story isnt well known YET.. :c it's one of my favorite b.a.p fics!!! Thanks for updating :) Poor hei-ryung ..