[L e t t e r s | to | Y o o n a]   

T E N

Dear Yoona,

One of the first things you ever told me was that your dad was a pearl diver. And right after you told me that, you said that you would never be like him.

You never learnt how to swim because you said you didn't want to be in the same substance that your dad left home for weeks at a time to be in−water. I thought that was reasonable; it was just your way of showing that you loved your dad. I understood. I loved my dad, too. 

I remember how I used to hold you while you cried whenever your dad went to some far off place to dive for pearls, and I used to tell you that it was okay, even though it wasn't. 

You loved your dad so much, and though I barely knew him, I loved him, too, because of how he made you smile whenever he was home, and how your eyes lit up every time you talked about him.

I remember wishing that you would love me just as much someday.

I used to think it was pretty cool, actually, what your dad did. My parents were both teachers, so I guess diving for pearls sounded like a glamorous occupation.

I stopped thinking that when your dad died. Your mom said he out in the water and drowned. At least, that's what they thought, since they never found his body; I think that was the saddest part. I can't imagine what you must have gone through. It's bad enough having your dad die, but it's even worse that you never got to see his dead body.

We were 17 then, when we said our farewells to an empty coffin. At the funeral, I remember thinking that you were right. There was nothing glamorous about being a pearl diver.

On your dad's gravestone, it says:

In loving memory of Im Jinho.

Jewel lake and pearl of the ocean.

Then under that was the day he was born and the day he died.

I remember how much you hated that. You always used to rant about how even your dad's name was connected to water, but I knew that on the inside, you were just hurt. Broken.

I knew you'd be there today, at the cemetery where your dad was buried.

I dressed and got ready slowly, because I knew that you usually stayed at the cemetery for the whole morning.

Well, actually, I wasn't too sure then, but I assumed that you would be there already, seeing as every interaction we've had in the past few days happened at night, which meant that you probably spent your mornings at the cemetery.

Whatever the case, I knew that there was no need to rush.

Still, as I buttoned up my shirt and ran a comb through my hair, I couldn't help but move a little faster knowing that I would be seeing you. My hands couldn't help but shake a little harder, knowing what I would be facing if I found you.

I think it was 10 o'clock when I left my house. "Too late for breakfast and too early for lunch," my mother always used to say.

Just as I thought that, my stomach started doing tumbles. I started feeling really sick then.

I hadn't been to the cemetery in such a long time.

It's on the same road as the park where we met, just a couple of hundred metres away. I always thought it was cruel that a place where death constantly lingers has the same scenery as the place where all my happy memories were born.

The same trees that surround the park are the same trees that linger around the cemetery fence, and shed the same leaves every autumn. They all have the same unforgivingly dark trunks, and the same bare branches in winter.

Throughout the seasons of the years that we spent together, those trees were always there.

I realised then that those trees mark home for me. Home, where we grew up together. But somehow, it doesn't feel like home anymore.

I got to the cemetery far quicker than I would have liked. And just as I'd thought, you were already there, hunched over in front of a gravestone. Crying, again.

Your face was covered with your hair, but I knew you were crying because your shoulders were shaking. I remember putting my arm around those shoulders while you cried. That felt like such a long time ago.

You were crying so hard, and I think I wanted to cry, too. It's been a while since I'd seen you reduced to a complete sobbing pile, and I realised then that I hadn't ever seen you cry that hard, not even when your father died.

My hands were shaking then and my mouth was dry, because I think I kind of hoped that you wouldn't be there.

But you were there, and I knew I had to do it. I had to face you.

So I walked forward and I stood behind you. I couldn't look right at you, though. Not while you were so close to me.

It hurt so much, being so close.

But I swallowed it down and turned to look at the gravestone.

It said:

In loving memory of Xi Luhan.

Once in a dream (for once I dreamed of you).

Then under that, it has the day I was born and the day I died, on the gravestone. 

My gravestone.

I knew it would be mine.

The last line, I knew, would make sense to no one else but the two of us.

It was the first line of your favourite poem. The one I never liked.

I wished then that I could cry. Really cry.

That was when I finally turned to look down at you. And I swear my heart broke− shattered into a million irretrievable pieces− even though it stopped beating a long time ago.

Because I only just noticed that you were wearing white. Just like you promised.

I really wanted to say something then, anything. I wanted to tell you that I miss you, and that I love you, and that none of it was your fault.

But I knew that you wouldn't hear me, just like the night before last, when we lay under the stars in the clearing.

You hadn't heard a word I said.

You didn't hear me tell you that I miss you.

 I think I couldn't handle it then, having you so close and yet so far, and knowing that I couldn't tell you all the words that you needed to hear.

So I turned and ran. I ran, away from the cemetery, and away from you.

Just like the coward that I am.

But just know, Yoona, that it was never your fault.

I still miss you, and I always will.

And I will always love you.

Even in death.

Eternally yours,

Luhan. 

***

A/N: I bet you didn't expect that.

Thanks for reading! Oh, and by the way, if you're wondering why it says 'Jewel lake' on Yoona's father's grave, it's because his name (Jinho) means jewel lake. At least, that's what my research told me xD 

And I know that Luhan's last name isn't actually 'Xi'. I just used it because.