[L e t t e r s | to | Y o o n a]

S I X

Dear Yoona,

Do you remember that time we kissed?

I do.

I think it's one of my most precious memories, second only to the day I met you.

Actually, no− it's my most precious memory.

I remembered it again today.

It was winter that day, and all the other mothers had kept their kids home. But we weren't children anymore; not in our eyes, at least. We didn't need mothers to tell us to stay at home, because we were 15, and going to the park in the middle of winter was nothing.

I remember that after that particular trip to the park, you caught a cold, and your mother said 'I told you so'.

For a while, we just sat there on the swings that day, sitting in comfortable silence. I think I liked those the most, those comfortable silences. To me, they were better than minutes filled with talking, because it showed that being in each other's company was enough to make us happy.

At least, that's the way I always thought about it.

After some time passed, I turned to you and asked if you remembered how when we were 6, I dared you to kiss me and you ran away.

And I remember my heart beating uncontrollably in my chest when you laughed and said that you did remember.

But I didn't laugh. My lips were dry, and I asked you if you would run away if I dared you to kiss me then.

I didn't know whether to be disappointed or relieved when you didn't seem to notice that my hands were shaking. You didn't see anything abnormal in my question and took it as a dare; you tilted your chin up with a bright fire in your eyes and a mischievous smirk curved your lips.

You prided yourself on being a daring person, and I knew then that you would do it.

Those few seconds when you hesitated were the longest seconds of my life. And then after a moment, you told me to come closer and so I did.

I walked to your swing and stood in front of you, and barely a second after I got there, you looped your arms around my neck and pulled me down.

And you kissed me.

Is it strange that I saw gold behind my closed lids? I remember how your lips felt and I wanted to feel them against mine forever, but just as I thought that, you pulled back and I blinked as my eyes opened.

Then your cheeks turned pink and you looked away and muttered something I didn't hear.

But before I could ask what you what you said, you sneezed, and the awkward atmosphere shattered.

I caught a cold after that particular trip to the park, too. But I didn't mind, because you kissed me that day, and you didn't run away.

That was our first kiss. Our only kiss, actually.

I never kissed anyone after that. As cheesy as it sounds, I didn't want my lips to touch anyone else's; I wanted them to belong to you and only you.  

I'm not sure about you, though. I don't know if you kissed anyone else.

A lot of guys liked you, but I never asked if you kissed any of them because I was afraid that my heart wouldn't be able to take it if the answer was 'yes'.

I suppose it's none of my business anymore, though.

Earlier today, I took a walk. I meant to go to the park. The same park where we met and had our first and only kiss. I went the long way, curving around the back of our houses and through the forest.

But I never made it to the actual park, because right where the trees cleared and gave me my first glimpse of the park, I saw you sitting on a swing, your back turned towards me.

I didn't know what to do. I don't know what's been happening to me lately, but I've been a coward around you. A stupid coward.

I couldn't face you. Just like that day when I saw you crying and did nothing, I just stood there.

And then I turned and walked back the way I had come. I didn't look back. Even if I did, I wouldn't have seen you, because my eyes were blurry with tears and the leaves under my feet looked like patches of smudged paint.

That was when I remembered our kiss, and I realised why I couldn't face you.

I couldn't face you in the place where my most precious memory had happened, knowing that this time around, nothing happy would happen.

If I faced you today, my memory of that park, and of our first meeting and first kiss, would be stained with memories of missing you. So I didn't approach you, and I didn't look back.

And I think a tiny part of me hoped that you would have done the same thing. That you would have walked away just like I did, because you wanted to keep your precious memories of the park.

I wonder if you saw me walk away.

You would've done the same thing, right? Or are your memories of the park different to mine?

Do you miss me?

I miss you. Like crazy. 

And I love you. 

Eternally yours,

Luhan.