[L e t t e r s | to | Y o o n a] 

O N E

Dear Yoona,

Today, I saw you crying.

Is it shameful to admit that I was scared? Because I was. I was scared because I knew that you were crying because of me, but I don't know what I did to make you so sad.

I know I should have run to you and put my arm around your shoulder like I used to, but I didn't. I just stood there and watched you cry. I suppose it was pathetic, really.

That's why I'm a bad friend, isn't it? That's why you hate me. Because you think I'm not the same boy who lived next door and let you borrow my toy trucks. You think I'm not the same boy who helped you up when you tripped and shielded you from all the hurtful words of the jealous girls at your school.

I suppose we were friends, then. Back when I could make you smile and that was all that mattered. Back when we didn't care what people said about us, because we knew the truth.

We were just friends.

Do you miss being friends with me, Yoona? Is that why you were crying?

No, that's a selfish thought for me to think. If you missed being friends, you'd just knock on my door like you used to and we'd go in and watch movies till the sun came up, with our toes curled through the carpet. We would laugh about the stupidest things and we'd both forget that we had ever stopped being friends.

Why don't you do that anymore? Do you want me to knock on your door? Would that be better? Maybe I can come over tomorrow with movies and we can make faces at your dog and laugh when he makes faces back.

No, actually, on second thought, I won't come over.

I can't.

Because we're not friends anymore, are we?

I don't know why; we just aren't. I saw you crying today, and the fact that I didn't go to help you means I'm a bad friend. Just an onlooker, really. The fact that you were crying because of me makes me more than an onlooker (or less, maybe). It makes me a bad person.

I miss being friends, Yoona. It makes me want to cry, knowing how much I miss you and that there's nothing I can do about that.

Do you miss me?

Probably not.

But I miss you. 

And that doesn't matter. 

Eternally yours,

Luhan.