[L e t t e r s | to | Y o o n a]   

E L E V E N

Dear Yoona,

I didn't run to anywhere particularly far away. In fact, I only made it as far as the park where we met before stopping.

Everything glares at me now, little details that I hadn't even noticed before, like why there are never any people at the park anymore, and why my parents still aren't home. I think they returned a long time ago.

I just can't see them anymore.

I only see you.

When I got to the park today, I kept seeing you in your white dress in my mind's eye.

And then, like yesterday, I remembered the day that I died.

It happened last winter, sometime in July −I don't remember the exact day. We were sitting on the couch at your house, and you asked me something I never thought you'd ask.

You said, "Do you want to go to the lake?"

I couldn't believe it, because you hated bodies of water; seas, lakes, ponds, swimming pools, even.

When I didn't reply, you said, "You know which lake I mean, right? The one−"

I interrupted you then. "I know which lake you mean," I said. "Why do you want to go?"

You just shrugged and said, "I just want to go there. I want to go somewhere today."

I glanced at you then, and your eyes were so pleading that I had to relent.

An hour and a half later (we got lost, remember?), we were at the lake.

The first thing you spotted was the pier. I remember you squealing and running down the wooden platform like a little girl. You plopped yourself down on the edge, swinging your legs, and I remember thinking that for someone who hated water so much, you sure were excited to see it.

I didn't follow you right away, and you got impatient and patted the seat beside you while calling my name.

Eventually, when I finally gathered the courage to walk over, you asked me what was wrong.

That was when I told you that I couldn't swim.

I don't know why I didn't ever tell you before. I wasn't ashamed of it. I just never found a reason to bring it up before, since we never spent time near water because you hated it, and so we never really talked about it.

You didn't believe me. I knew that, in your eyes, I was the stronger one of the two of us. I never thought that, but you always thought so, and I think you couldn't believe that your Luhan couldn't swim.

And so I said, "I mean it, Yoona. I really can't swim."

I think, after I said that, you believed me. You smiled and patted my hand and said, "That's okay. I can't swim, either."

I laughed and said, "I know."

You laughed, too, and we started talking about something else. I don't remember what. I wish now that I'd paid more attention, because then I'd have more memories to think about when I'm missing you too much.

But I guess that's just how you and I were. We could talk about anything and everything, and even if, at the end of the day, we forgot what we talked about, we were still friends.

"Friends forever," you said once, some years ago.

I think that's why I fell in love with you. Because you meant it when you said 'forever'.

And because, of course, you were you.

We talked until the sun began to set, and I realised just how late it was getting.

The sky was just turning orange behind your head, and you turned to me with a smile and said, "What would you do if I did this?" Then you reached your hand out to pretend to push me.

I tried to dodge your hand, thinking stupidly for a moment that you were really going to push me, and I forgot that we were sitting on the edge of the pier.

And I fell.

I fell, off the pier and into the water.

I can only imagine how you felt. If it had been me in your place, I think I would have killed myself for doing that to you.

 I heard you screaming, and then everything else became blurry, because the only thing I remember is water filling my ears and my mouth.

It was so cold, and no matter how much and how hard I flailed my arms and legs about in the water, I could only keep my eyes and nose above the water. And all the while, it just kept getting colder.

I didn't realise that I was floating away until I managed to catch a glimpse of the pier, and I saw with panic that it was becoming smaller and smaller as the lake buffeted me about.

I always thought the lake was peaceful. I'd been there before with my dad, and I used to look out at it and think that it was like a mirror− still and reflective.

How wrong I was.

I don't know how long I was thrashing helplessly around in the water for. But suddenly, hands gripped my shoulders and began pulling me up.

The next time I opened my eyes, I saw the sky. The darkening, orange sky.

I didn't see it for long though, because I started hacking and coughing up water. There seemed to be an impossible amount of water in my lungs.

Then I collapsed back onto my back.

It was freezing. I never thought I could be that cold before, and my body was shivering so hard. I couldn't control it.

You looked down at me in panic, then, and I realised that we were in that boat you pointed out to me earlier from the pier. The blue rowboat with the faded paint.

Your eyes were so wide as you looked at me, and you said something that I didn't hear.

I remember almost biting my lips to shreds as I asked you to repeat it.

I heard you the second time. You said, "The other oar fell in when I pulled you out."

I knew then that I should have said something, but my brain wasn't working properly. My body was starting to go numb, and I just lay there.

I didn't realise then, but I know now that you put your all into rowing the boat towards shore. It was getting dark and hard to see, and along with the fact that you only had one oar to steer a boat that was never meant for two people, I think it was a miracle that we made it to shore.

You must have been exhausted by then. But you didn't complain once as you anchored the boat in the sand and hauled the both of us out.

I couldn't move much as you half dragged me, arm around my waist and supporting my weight on your shoulder. I was still shivering so much, and I could only hear my teeth clattering together in my ears.

Night had completely fallen by the time we reached the clearing. You laid me down on the grass and peeled my jacket and shirt off so I wouldn't be too cold.

But it didn't really make a difference. I couldn't bear to tell you that, though.

Then after you did all that, you started taking your jacket off, intending to wrap it around me.  

Somehow, even in my muddled state of mind, I told you not to. You looked like you weren't going to listen to me, but after a moment, you just nodded and lay in the grass next to me.

And you said, "I'm sorry." That was when you started crying, and I remember shutting my eyes so I wouldn't look at you and start crying, too.

Then I managed to say, "It wasn't your fault, Yoona." I had to stop for a moment then, because my teeth were chattering too much. "It's my fault that I can't swim."

It was a long time before you replied, and when you did, you said, "That's okay." Your voice was shaking. "I can't swim, either."

But that time, I didn't laugh. "I know," I said. "I would have done the same thing for you, Yoona. I would have dived into the water, even."

"You would have died," you said.

And then I told you, "You know, I've always wanted to die right beside you, Yoona."

You started crying like crazy then, and your voice shook as you spoke. "Don't say that," you said. "You're not going to die, Luhan."

But you and I knew that that was a lie. The lake was probably below zero degrees that night, and I was in it for far too long. Help was too far away and in any case, I was too numb to walk, and you were too exhausted.

I didn't tell you that you were wrong, though. Instead, I said, "You know that poem you love so much? Can you... can you say it to me?"

My eyes were still closed, but I knew that you were sobbing silently. You didn't reply after a long while, so I opened my eyes and you were looking up at me, tears streaking your face.

"I thought you didn't like that poem," you said.

I looked away from your face then and focused on the tree canopy. There were so many stars out that night, I remember. "Say it anyway," I said. My voice was disappearing into a raspy whisper.

So you did.

"Once in a dream, for once I dreamed of you..." you began.

I started to space out then. I didn't mean to, but I think you sensed that I wasn't listening. You kept going, though, and when you were finished, you squeezed my hand.

Your hand was wet from wiping away your tears, but I didn't care. I just held your hand and hoped to God that I would always be able to remember how it felt in mine, even when you wouldn't be there to hold it.

I knew then you had something to say, so I waited. I realise now that I should have used that time to tell you that I love you.

But I didn't say anything; I don't think I could have.

Then you said, "Look at the stars, Luhan. Do you see the stars?"

I opened my mouth to say that yes, I did see the stars, and that there were so many out. But my voice wouldn't work, so I just nodded. I started crying then.

I think you saw me crying. And I think you thought it was your fault. So you said 'sorry' again.

I remember shaking my head. It's not your fault, I tried to say, but my voice wouldn't obey.

It was so, so cold then. I couldn't feel my limbs. Even blinking took a lot of energy.

My eyes were starting to close, but I managed to make my voice work. It was a whisper, but I know now that you heard it. I said, "You can't wear black at my funeral, Yoona, or when you come to visit me. I want you to wear white."

I don't know why I said that. I think it was because I realised− truly realised−that I wouldn't be the man standing beside you in your white dress at the altar. And I wanted−in my last, selfish moment on this Earth− to know that you would stand beside me one day, even if it was just beside my gravestone, wearing white.

I remember you nodding, and I saw you do it, because I told myself that I had to look at you one last time. 

You made yourself smile, just for me. One last time.

And you said, "I promise."

Everything started going blurry then.

Just as my eyes slid shut, I remember thinking, "I love you, Yoona."

But I never got to tell you that.

Eternally yours,

Luhan.

***

A/N: *cries* ; n ;

Thank you for reading~