Chapter 2

Sometimes, it was very important to emphasize that this only happened ‘sometimes’, Daehyun would stand by the bathroom mirror and look at his reflection. His hands would work swiftly over his short hair and fix the strands that in his eyes seemed too out of place. After ten minutes or so, he would turn his head from one side to another; eyes still fixed on his reflection and inspect his work. However, almost every time he had one foot over the doorstep, he would turn back in to ruffle his hair back to or even worse than how it looked like before he started tricksing with it.

Daehyun leaned forward, let his hands rest on either side of the basin and blew his fringe away from his face. With a final look at himself, he turned around and left the bathroom with determined steps.

Why he had even bothered to fix his hair was beyond him, after all, he was only going to see Youngjae.

Sometimes, yes again, only ‘sometimes’, Daehyun would on his way to the other’s home run the first two blocks and then stop abruptly. Daehyun was the type of student that has never been very fond of physical activities, so why he was running was also something that he could not comprehend. So he would stop and walk the rest of the way, a little bit faster than his usual tempo, but at least he wasn’t running.

Sometimes...no, quite often actually, they just forget it. Or ‘forget’ might be the wrong choice of words, how can you just forget that you are dating? No, it kind of just slips off their minds. When your relationship escalates from being friends to a couple, the transition is quite difficult to spot and even more so to define.

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They were watching some variety show in Youngjae’s room.  Both were sitting on the floor with their backs leaning against the side of Youngjae’s bed. Daehyun who had never been too shy to spread out and expand his personal space, took up about half of the space the tiny room provided. He let out a yawn when the show ended and shifted to a more comfortable position, bumping his knee into Youngjae’s in the process.

“Sorry,” he said mechanically and shifted again.

Youngjae scooted over a bit to give him more space. “It’s fine,” he mumbled, eyes never leaving the screen.

The situation sudden struck Daehyun as bit too awkward and made him throw a wary look at the other. His eyes first landed on Youngjae’s hair, it was dark, not black but not brown either, just very dark. Short on the sides and the back, while the top was a little bit longer and the fringe did not quite reach his eyes. Daehyun wondered if Youngjae had spent time in the bathroom too, fixing and ruffling up his hair…he doubted it. His gaze then continued down the other’s profile, brown eyes, he noted, just like 98 percent of the population but Daehyun still found them special in a way that he couldn’t explain. Daehyun’s eyes reached Youngjae’s lips, and the other chose that particular moment to dart his tongue out and slide it across light pink flesh, to wet his lips. The action was sudden and had an unwanted effect on Daehyun, making him hastily turn to look at anything else besides the boy beside him and awkwardly clear his throat.

Daehyun sunk down until he half-lay on the floor and his teeth dug down on his bottom lip as he contemplated on what he should do. What was okay and what was not? Was it okay to touch? Well, did he want to?

‘Yes,’ thought Daehyun.

There was suddenly an itchy feeling along his fingers that urged him to run them over the exposed skin of the other.

It should be okay, shouldn’t it? Maybe not between friends, but they were more than friends now…so it should be okay…

The real question was: ‘Did Youngjae want to?’

As a little experiment Daehyun let his knee bump into Youngjae’s again.

The other boy sighed upon the contact, and moved even further away. Daehyun closed his eyes and tried to restrain the frustration that was slowly building up within him, “Yah, just what are you doing?” he said accusingly and his tone went down an octave or two. “Why are you sitting so far away?”

Youngjae tore his eyes away from the screen and threw an astonished look at him, “I thought—“

“I don’t bite,” Daehyun interrupted. “So…”  he raised an eyebrow at Youngjae, as if to challenge him to shorten the distance between them.

He tried to read Youngjae’s expression but the only thing he could make out was the hint of uncertainty in the other’s eyes. Daehyun sighed and ran a hand through his hair; his confidence level dropped a few notches as he thought of how his boyfriend had to fight an inner battle just to be a little bit closer to him.

Daehyun would lie, if he said that he wasn’t disappointed, but he tried to forget about the matter and instead let his focus wander back to the contents shown on the small TV screen. Though, a few seconds later, there was a presence of another body right next to him and he couldn’t help but grin, suddenly feeling very satisfied.

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Long and lean fingers, Daehyun noted as he inspected the hand that rested in the tiny space between them. He concluded that Youngjae had smaller hands than him; his were somewhat rougher and more manly while Youngjae’s were of the more slender-like type. Daehyun was so into his inspection that before he knew it, his hand was reaching for Youngjae’s.

His sensory system had barely registered the smooth skin of the other boy before the touch was lost. Youngjae had jumped in surprise and pulled back his hand, “What are you doing?” he asked, clearly shocked.

Daehyun cleared his throat and tried to hide his embarrassment with a harsh tone, “What am I doing? Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that?” The frustration was once again forming down the pit of his stomach and gradually made its way through his body. “Why did you jump? I’m your boyfriend, aren’t I?” Daehyun straightened himself and sat up properly, “Aish, you are making things so difficult …” he scowled.

The silence that followed made Daehyun squirm uncomfortably, neither said anything and the sound from the screen became more and more distant in Daehyun’s ears.

“I’m sorry,” Youngjae mumbled just when the atmosphere turned unbearable. “I’m just not quite used to it yet.”

“Used to having a boyfriend? You and me both then…” Daehyun muttered, still feeling somewhat down from earlier and stubbornly refused to look at the other.

“To have any sort of friend at all, actually…” Youngjae spoke so softly that if Daehyun had not been sitting right next to him, he wouldn’t have heard anything. “Then you came along…I’m still trying to get used to it.”

All agitation seemed to just wash out of him in an instant, and Daehyun then turned to meet Youngjae’s eyes. “I want to hold your hand, so going to do it,” he said.

Youngjae flinched and grimaced, “I think it was better when you just went on with it. Don’t say it out loud.”

Daehyun chuckled as he reached for the other’s hand for the second time. Youngjae’s expression was grim and his eyes were completely focused on the TV screen. But then Daehyun spotted that Youngjae’s cheeks and even ears were starting to gain a tone of crimson. He leaned forward for a closer look, “Are you blushing?”

He hissed in pain and drew back, when the other kicked him in the shin. “Shut up,” Youngjae growled, eyes still locked before him. “I’m trying to watch this.”

Daehyun smirked, despite that it still stung where he was hit, “Normally I’d hit you back, but this time…only this time though, I’ll let you off,” he said and intertwined their fingers

‘Only because I find you so cute right now.’

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The subway was always filled with people. Especially during this time of the day, people just got off from their jobs and students, junior- or high scholars and university students just ended their daily schedules and all wanted to head home. All the pushing and elbows digging into your sides were part of the metro experience, therefore, nobody even bothered to stop to apologize when they accidently knocked into somebody.

Today is was even more packed than usual, and of course waiting for the next train was not an option in the busy city life of Seoul. Daehyun pushed through the crowd and managed to find a spot where he was allowed to stand upright and hold onto a handle. Youngjae appeared seconds later next to him, but as the other was forced to stand in the middle of the two compartments, he had nothing to hold onto and could just hope that the ride home would not be too rocky. When they arrived at the next station, all the jostling started again as people on the metro tried to get off while people outside tried to get on. Youngjae winched when someone stepped on his toes, causing him to lose his balance and end up falling against Daehyun’s chest.

Daehyun chuckled lightly and caught him by the waist, “No one ever told you not to stand in the way?” he teased as Youngjae did his best to regain his balance.

Youngjae muttered something inaudible under his breath and grabbed the handle Daehyun was holding. Daehyun’s hand was still on Youngjae’s waist, he thought of pulling it back but eventually decided against it when he figured that Youngjae would have shaken it off if he didn’t want it there. Besides, people were too busy or stressed to notice them anyway.

Daehyun sighed heavily when the train was set into motion again; he closed his eyes and leaned against the side of the train. He felt drained, as if all his energy slowly dripped out of him and the stuffy atmosphere certainly did not help. It was during times like these that he longed for Busan.

People raised their voices in order to be heard and the constant chattering was exhausting. Of course, he too had days he could talk non-stop, okay fine, a lot of days, however today he just wished that everyone could just for a moment quiet down and freaking take a breath.

He was determined to disconnect everything in his surrounding when he sensed Youngjae inching closer to him. His eyes fluttered open and found to his astonishment Youngjae taking a few sniffs of him, “What are you doing?” Daehyun chuckled as he stared at the boy close to him incredulously.

Youngjae drew back in an instant, his cheeks reddened visibly as he shrugged and said: “You smell different.”

Daehyun raised a brow at the other, slightly taken aback by the statement, “Really?” He straightened himself, brought his arm to his nose and sniffed. Either he was too tired or his olfactory perception was not as good as Youngjae’s because he couldn’t sense anything different or strange. It couldn’t be some eccentric perfume or cologne since he was a fan of neither. Then Daehyun recalled that he did change to another brand of shower gel recently, since the one he used before was out of production. “Do I smell weird?” he asked warily and turned to sniff his left shoulder.

“No,” Youngjae said mindlessly and shook his head. “I like it.”

A smirk formed on Daehyun’s lips as he with his hand on Youngjae’s waist pulled him closer, to whisper into his ear. “Judging by the way you were inhaling me, I would say that you love it.”

Youngjae flinched back slightly but recovered soon enough to scoff and turn to look at Daehyun through narrowed eyes. “I’ve changed my mind, you stink,” he tried to sound insulting but the small twitches at the corners of his mouth betrayed him.

Daehyun chuckled heartily, and then fell forward to let his forehead rest on Youngjae’s shoulder.

He was still tired, but definitely better.

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He had just put on his shoes when he realized that he hadn’t told his brother that he was going out. Too lazy to take off his shoes again, Daehyun mentally apologized to his mother who just scrubbed the floor the other day and ran to his brother’s room with his shoes on.

Daehyun carelessly flung the door open and shouted: “Hyung, I’m—argh, sorry!” he immediately closed it again and winched as a girly shriek echoed through the door. He let his head hit the door several times and willed himself to get rid of the image of his half- brother hovering over his equally undressed girlfriend. “Hyung, I’m going over to Youngjae’s place!” he shouted and then dashed to the front door.

The curses left his mouth uncontrollably all the way to Youngjae’s house. He loved his brother, he really did, but how hard could it be to once in a while restrain oneself? Or was that normal?

He muttered another sequence of the most imaginative curses anyone would be able to witness, and then moved on to think about his and Youngjae’s relationship.

‘Maybe it was normal…’

Daehyun thought of all the times he had just wanted to reach out and touch Youngjae, his hand, his cheek or his arm. He understood that he could not do that while in school; since they had somehow silently agreed on to keep what they had to themselves. After all, there was so much that could go wrong…

But when they were alone, when it was only the two of them…he couldn’t bring himself to casually do it either…and it frustrated him to no end.

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Daehyun was lying on Youngjae’s bed flipping through some comic book he had found more interesting than the novel they had to read for their English class. Fine, he hadn’t even started on it yet, but in his defense they still had three weeks to go.  Youngjae was a little bit more ambitious though, as he was sitting on one end of the bed, obediently reading every word and sentence of ‘The catcher in the rye’.

He scanned all the bubbles and every picture; however, he just couldn’t seem to concentrate. Thoughts every so often drifted off to the focused boy. Every now and then, Daehyun’s eyes would travel round the edges of the book in his hands and steal glances at Youngjae. He groaned mentally and shifted to lie on the sides. How come, he was the one who couldn’t concentrate? How come, he was the only one who was this bothered? If two people liked each other, shouldn’t they both be affected like this?

‘I’m still trying to get use to it’

Daehyun didn’t quite understand. What’s there to get use to? If you liked someone, shouldn’t you naturally want to be close to that person all the time?

For instance, his brother was with his girlfriend all the freaking time. Not to mention that they rarely kept their hands off each other. A mental image of what he was unfortunate enough to run into earlier that day flashed before his eyes, thus made him throw the book aside and bury his face in Youngjae’s pillow for it to absorb his frustrated cries.

“You okay?” Daehyun looked up, turned his head over one shoulder and was met by a worry-looking Youngjae.

Daehyun hastily got up. He seated himself next to Youngjae and stared at him with thoughtful eyes. “Youngjae-ah,” the other held his gaze, as if waiting for him to continue. “You are a boy, right?”

Youngjae threw his head back and rolled his eyes. “You got me, I’m a girl in disguise,” he said sarcastically.

Daehyun could trace the hint of annoyance in the other’s look and realized that his question might not have come off as he had intended. “I mean, you are a boy and you are 18,” he said in a serious tone. “And you like me...”

The other boy scowled at him. “That’s it, now I’m going to ignore you,” Youngjae stated and turned his attention back to the novel in his hands.

“Yah, Yoo Youngjae, at least listen till I’m finished,” he nudged the other with his elbow rather harshly. “What I mean is that since you like me and is a normal 18 year old boy…then why haven’t you jumped me yet?”

The book slipped from Youngjae’s hands and landed on his lap, “W-what?” he stammered not sure if he had heard Daehyun right.

Daehyun crossed his arms over chest. “You heard me. Why haven’t you done it yet?”

Youngjae stared at Daehyun incredulously, “You sound serious.”

‘Patience’ had never been one of Daehyun’s qualities; he knew that the last ounce of it was slowly dripping out of him when his mouth pressed into a thin line. “I am serious.”

‘What do you think of when you look at me?’

“Are you…” Youngjae started, clearly dumbfounded, “…ually frustrated?”

“Argh, you…” Daehyun grabbed the nearest pillow and placed a few hit on his boyfriend. “No, I’m Youngjae frustrated! Aigoo, it’s only me, isn’t it? Who feels like this.” He dropped the pillow and willed himself to breathe at a steady state. Then he continued in a somewhat calmer manner. “Sometimes I…” he knew that he was going to sound like some corny character of a low-budget and badly produced flick, but at the moment, he couldn't care less. “Sometimes when we are alone and close like this, I want to touch you or kiss you. But…it feels like I’m the only who wants it.”

‘It has always been me, the first kiss and then every touch until now…I initiated all of those.’

Youngjae averted his eyes and seemed to want to focus them on anything else except for Daehyun. He shifted and made an attempt to get off the bed, “What’s the matter you? Why are you—“

Daehyun’s hand curled round Youngjae’s wrist in an iron grip and pulled him back. “You really don’t feel the same?” he asked unbelievingly. Youngjae liked him, he knew that. But he just wished that the other would… “ Yoo Youngjae, you are really not affected at all? If I climbed on top of you and took of my shirt, what would you do?”

The questioned boy’s eyes widened, however, before he could have any other reaction, Daehyun was already straddling him. “Jung Daehyun, what are you doing?” Youngjae said, panic evident in his tone.

Daehyun gave the boy beneath him a look which seemed to say ‘what-do-you-think-I’m-doing’, then proceeded to cross his arms over his mid-section, took the hem of the white shirt in his hands and started to lift it.

“You’re doing it for real?” Youngjae grabbed Daehyun’s hand in his. “Stop it.”

Their eyes locked for a long moment before Daehyun opened his mouth to say: “Why should I?”

“Because I’m scared,” Youngjae said admittedly after a moment of inner confliction. The faint and uncertain smile on Youngjae’s lips made Daehyun forget whatever he was doing. “Whenever you reach out to touch me…I like it, but at the same time, the closer we get, the more afraid I seem to become.” Youngjae looked a way for a moment and then went back to stare straight into Daehyun dark and piercing eyes. “Daehyun-ah, why do you like me?”

He swallowed a non-existent lump down his throat. “What do you mean by ‘why’? I just do.”

“But you had a girlfriend before, right?”

Daehyun’s mind flashed back to the time he dated Amy, a foreigner. Their relationship had lasted for about a week. “Uhm.”

Youngjae’s smile turned brittle and made Daehyun’s stomach turn in an unpleasant way. “From liking a pretty girl to liking me…it seems a bit unbelievable, doesn’t it?”

Daehyun leaned forward, to get a little bit closer when he finally understood what the other was trying to convey. “Do you doubt me?”

Youngjae shook his head slightly. “No. I know that you like me. But…that can change, right? After all, people change.”

“The same goes for you, doesn’t it?” Daehyun got off Youngjae and sat down next to him.

He thought of the possibility. Nothing stopped us from constantly changing. What if Youngjae one day changed and he was the only one left feeling like this…

He glanced at Youngjae and felt how his chest heaved because of his quickened heartbeat.

‘He’s right…this is pretty scary…’

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“Maybe we should just focus on what we have now,” he said and took Youngjae’s hand in his, gave it a light squeeze before he let go. “Let’s take things slow.”

They really shouldn’t have to worry about losing each other, when they had just started. They’ve got time…Daehyun was sure of it.

Youngjae seemed thoughtful for a long moment. So long that Daehyun started to wonder what exactly the other was thinking. But then Youngjae grinned, “Says the one who wanted to take of his shirt just moments ago.”

Daehyun cleared his throat, looked away and sincerely hoped that he did not blush. “I was frustrated,” he grumbled.

The grin on Youngjae’s lips only widened, “I can tell.”

“Shut up,” he muttered and picked up Youngjae’s copy of ‘The catcher in the rye’. “What page are you on?” he asked with all the intention to change the subject.

Youngjae looked at the book in Daehyun’s hand and shrugged. “I don’t know. None, I guess.”

Daehyun raised an eyebrow at the other questioningly. “Are you senile? You just spent two hours reading it.”

“I couldn’t concentrate,” Youngjae said and looked away.

He couldn’t help but grin broadly at that. “Oh really,” he teased, “because of me?”

Youngjae looked at Daehyun again and seemed once again to be lost in his thought, but then he moved to lean closer. They were only inches apart when he abruptly stopped and Daehyun could spot the hesitation in Youngjae’s brown eyes.

Daehyun smiled and said softly: “Should I dare you to do it? You know, maybe—“

“Shut up.”

And Daehyun did…but only because his traitorous heart decided to skip a beat when a feather-light kiss was pressed against his lips.

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haha I should really end it here before I babble away half a page :)

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Ivy