Chapter 1

Jung Daehyun had always found it hard to describe himself. When filling out formulas and questions such as: ‘How would you describe yourself, using only three words?’ came up, Daehyun would often leave them unanswered.

Who is Jung Daehyun?

Well, when do we stop trying to define who we are? When do we stop changing?

Daehyun remembered that when he was about five, people asked him why he was so quiet, a kid at your age should be livelier they told him. Then when he was about ten or eleven, they told him that he was too rowdy, a kid your age should know how to behave they said with displeased expressions. Nothing got better when he entered his teenage years; he became rebellious, dyed his hair into various colors. He skipped school, did not pay attention to anything, became the teacher’s number 1 student to keep an eye on, and made his parents pull at their hair in both worry and frustration. A few years later, he came to realize that, that wasn’t who he was either, not really. What came next? Oh, right, then came high school. High school meant a new school, hence, a new start and new people. However, it did not start off too well, he was nervous and gloomy and became even more so as the days went by.

Then came the biggest change of the all, Seoul. They were moving to Seoul, the city. Busan is not by any means a small town; actually it is quite a big city. However, in Seoul, they would definitely be classified as country people and the Busan accent would be laughed upon when being compared to the standard way of speaking in Seoul. He got transferred and entered a new high school, it was then Daehyun made a 180 degree turn and started to paste on a personality he knew would please others. He quickly picked up the Seoul dialect and neglected the way he had been spoken his whole life. He was quiet, yet friendly and mysterious, yet approachable. Then…he became popular.

And he liked it.

Even though the person the female students showered with gifts and affection was not who he really was, he still felt relieved and somewhat content with where he was. ‘Life is easier this way’, he thought. However, if he was truly happy, that would be another side of the story.

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It was during history class when Daehyun found himself on the edge of a tilting board, tipping over into a new phase of change. History has never been his favorite subject; therefore, he rarely paid attention to whatever that was said during class. The teacher was pacing back and forth, in a posture that reminded Daehyun of the hunchback in ‘the hunchback of Notre Dame’. He had been going on for about 90 minutes in very monotone manner, Daehyun might add, about some war in some foreign country centuries ago. Daehyun was trying to battle off his sleepiness and did not register or could care less about the question that was just asked to the whole class.

But when a male student raised his voice to answer, “Because life is a chaos,” Daehyun became more alert than he had ever been in a history class in a matter of mere seconds, for some odd reasons. He turned his head towards the seats by the windows where he knew the voice had come from.  “People will always try to define everything and everyone that they think matters. Be it class systems, societies or even this tiny school. Immeasurable efforts are put into categorizing every aspect of our lives…” Daehyun was listening attentively as the boy spoke. “We keep on applying a certain template over our lives, and force it to fit under its narrow boundaries, even if it doesn’t make sense and even if we know that we are clearly wrong, we still do it. Because it’s convenient. It makes life a little bit less complicated.” The boy’s voice was pleasant to listen to, Daehyun thought, soft, soothing and held a very persuasive effect. Daehyun was so drawn to it that he was sure if the other boy had uttered some nonsense about the moon being blue, he would have believed him in a heartbeat. “It’s nothing but a poor attempt to catch a glimpse of order in all the chaos.”

Daehyun looked at the other boy more closely and noted the honest brown eyes, the small face, prominent lips, high cheekbones and the sharp jaw line. Even if they were in the same class, this was the first time he had seen the other and it made him wonder if he had simply overlooked the boy’s existence or if it was the boy who wanted to be faded into the background.

‘Well, at least I see him now.’

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Sometimes their eyes would meet across the classroom. Daehyun would stare straight into piercing brown eyes and try to figure them out.

‘What is he thinking about?’

But the other almost always averted his gaze to look outside the window, making Daehyun wonder if they had really been looking at him or maybe it was something behind him.

‘No, he looked at me…there was no doubt about it.’

Daehyun had from time to time searched through every corner of his mind, trying to recall the boy’s name. But he couldn’t. He tried to ask his classmates, in a not too obvious way, but they never gave him a straight answer…

“Oh, he’s the smart one, kind of thinks that he is above everyone else, if you know what I mean. That’s why people don’t like him,” one would say

And another would add: “Don’t mind about him, he’s weird.”

In general, if various sources state the same thing, then it must be the truth, or at least there must be some truth behind it. However, this time, Daehyun was sure that all his sources were wrong. Completely and utterly wrong. Looking into the other’s eyes he had seen no malice, no sign of superiority or judgment. They were open, not open in a way that would let one read his every thought. But open as in ‘accepting’.

In the end Daehyun had to flutter his eyes at the class president, charming his way to ask for a look at the seating plan. He could of course just ask the boy; after all, they did occasionally run into each other on the subway. But, something made him keep away…

He smiled as he looked down to read laminated sheet.

‘Yoo Youngjae, so that’s your name.’

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The classroom was empty and Daehyun was sitting by his desk, pondering on if he should go home or stay for another half an hour. He had been unfortunate enough to walk in on his brother and the girlfriend once, and it was nothing he would like to do again. Ever.

He had meant to put the cheesecake he had been nibbling on the desk, but it slided across the table and ended up kissing the floor. Daehyun let out a frustrated groan and did not bother to pick it up. “They are always flocking around me! Tsk, one would think they have never seen a guy before!” when alone, the Busan accent naturally rolled of his tongue. “Aish…” he ran a hand through his hair and ruffled it in annoyance. Of course, he liked the popularity, the feeling of being in the center the moment he stepped into the room, hey, he was only human. But sometimes, just sometimes, he couldn’t help but think that despite always being surrounded by a lot of people…he was actually quite lonely. No one knew him, no one really knew him.

Well, of course they don’t…

‘That’s because I’m hiding…that’s because I don’t even know who I am.’

Then the sound of someone clearing his throat pulled him away from his train of thought and made him turn his head around so fast that he thought his neck would snap.

Yoo Youngjae was standing by the door and had clearly been standing there for quite a while…

‘.’

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The feeling of slight panic washed over him when Youngjae bent down to pick up his neglected cheesecake.

Daehyun rose from his seat and immediately tried to save himself from the awkward situation, “Oh, uhm…about that...” his tried to smile and was thankful that the Seoul accent was back on, “you see…I—“

“Ouit it,” said Youngjae, and their eyes met. “I don’t really care who you are or try to be round the girls. But right now, it’s nauseating.”

The words took him by surprise, not expecting the soothing voice that he secretly loved to be directed at him, at least not in this manner. Daehyun looked at the other thoughtfully, not knowing if he should feel offended. If he should then…well he didn’t…on the contrary, he almost felt relieved.

Any need for pretension suddenly burst up in flames, thus all that was left was the ashes of whatever that was underneath all that pasted façade.

Then before he knew it, a grin was gracing his lips.

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He knew he was being weird and he knew that the other would think of him as crazy. But he couldn’t help it, word after word just kept on leaving his mouth at a very high frequency.

Youngjae was looking at him with widened eyes, and he could tell that the other boy was confused, confused and on the verge to annoyance. “Right now, who are you right now?” Youngjae snapped.

The answer rolled off his tongue so naturally that it even surprised himself: “Me! Right now I’m me, Jung Daehyun!”

As cliché as it may sound, Daehyun thought that maybe, just maybe he had found the beginning to who he actually was.

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Daehyun asked for Youngjae’s name, well he already knew his name, but it seemed like a proper thing to do. When you want to get to know someone, you’ll ask for their name. Because the name was the one thing that partly identified us, but at the same time, something we could afford to generously offer. Even though Youngjae didn’t tell him, his mind was firmly set…Jung Daehyun was determined to get to know Yoo Youngjae.

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He kept his pasted personality in school, for many reasons. Daehyun might not be aware of them himself, but he was certain that there were many relevant reasons. After school, he would be over at Youngjae’s house, the other hadn’t at first been very welcoming, but Daehyun had simply waved off Youngjae’s half-assed efforts to push him away.

They fought, they bickered, he was allowed to speak freely and sometimes he would talk in a mixture of the two accents, but Youngjae did not seem to mind. It was comfortable. Moreover, sometimes he could see that the other really cared for him. It was rare, but when he caught a glimpse of it, it couldn’t be more obvious. Daehyun would call them friends, and they were, even if Youngjae would never admit it.

Daehyun was silent and gentle at school then loud and somewhat over the top after, if other people saw him, they would definitely diagnose him as mentally ill. But Youngjae didn’t comment and he didn’t seem to care about it. Youngjae did something Daehyun knew no one had ever done to him before; he let him be what he simply wanted.

Then one day…

“Isn’t it tiring?” Youngjae asked, “To be the ‘you’ in school and the ‘you’ after, isn’t it tiring?”

And Daehyun told him. While his heart was beating rapidly, he told the other how he felt as if he needed to keep an image, to fit in, to not disappoint others and to remain in control.

Youngjae’s words afterwards were barely registered in Daehyun’s mind; he was slowly becoming agitated and had partly disconnected the other.

But then some words managed to escape his filter and processed in his consciousness: “…well, I find you crazy but I don’t think you should hide who you are…you shouldn’t need to.”

Daehyun turned to look at Youngjae and realized that the boy beside him was not asking him to change nor was telling him how he should be…Youngjae was simply encouraging him to find himself and be himself.

Daehyun’s thoughts drifted back to the day he had first noticed Youngjae…

‘We keep on applying a certain template over our lives, and force it to fit under its narrow boundaries’

Maybe that was what he kept on doing; he had forced a template, an image over himself and had with great effort tried to fit under it. Why? Why did he keep on doing it?

‘…even if it doesn’t make sense and even if we know that we are clearly wrong, we still do it. Because it’s convenient. It makes life a little bit less complicated.’

But is it worth it?

‘No, it’s not.’

The real Jung Daehyun is gentle, kind and charming. But he is also loud, crazy, weird and a little bit different…and that’s okay.

You are allowed to go outside the boundaries, to make ugly smears round the edges of the perfect pattern. That is and will always be completely fine.

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People make mistakes, people make countless of mistakes and that is fine as long as you learn from them. After all, it is through mistakes that you gain experience.

But what if you lose something?

For instance, like Daehyun?

He admits that he became greedy and wanted a little bit if everything. Or maybe he was just a coward, who still could not show himself completely. To say that you should ignore what everyone else says about you is easy, but it is actually a very hard thing to do. Either you do it unconsciously or you are just unable to let go.

‘Yes, that makes more sense…I’m a coward.’

He made a mistake…and lost a friend.

What do you do then?

Guilt consumed him as the image of the Youngjae hurting became permanently etched on his mind.

The brittle smile on the other’s lips made his insides turn. “I guess I valued our non-friends relationship more than I thought,” Youngjae said, starting right into his eyes.

His lungs swelled, as if taking a one last breath before he stopped entirely.

He couldn’t…

he could barely breathe…

‘I’m sorry.’

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It hurt; it did hurt…a lot…

“I don’t want to be your friend. I thought we could be, but I guess that once I got to know you…I…I simply don’t want to have anything to do with you.”

…to realize to what extent he had hurt the other.

‘Enough for him to lie to me, enough for him to push me away.’

And Daehyun lets him do it.

“Remember, I’m not going to apologize to you anymore. This is really the end of our friendship,” he said in a colder than he had intended, but it didn’t matter.

Not anymore.

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Daehyun looked down at his phone and felt pathetic. He had sent Youngjae three messages, knowing full well that the other was not going to reply to him. But he couldn’t help himself…

Youngjae made it clear that they should not be friends, then why did he still linger on to the thought that things would return to how they were before. He wouldn’t…he wouldn’t be thinking that if the other had not been giving him hope.

Daehyun’s heart would skip a beat every time he caught Youngjae staring at him. Glances were cast his way all the time, but he pretended that he didn’t notice, because he knew that was what the other would want. Though, warmth still filled his chest, knowing that the other cared still cared about him.

‘I miss you.’

He missed every little thing: Youngjae’s soothing voice, his snarky remarks about everything, the gleam in his eyes when he found something funny and the dimple on his right cheek when he smiled genuinely…

Jung Daehyun missed Yoo Youngjae

So much…

And the least he could do was to be honest and tell the other about it.

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It caught him off guard.

“I…like you. Not as a friend…but…I really really like you.”

Completely off guard.

He could see it in Youngjae’s eyes, how much it hurt him to say the words out loud; as if his armor was falling into pieces, thus revealed his broken soul to the whole world. And he was desperate to cover himself again.

Hundreds of thought immediately ran through his head.

‘He likes me.’

‘Why does he like me?’

‘What do I feel about him?’

“So please, out of pity or out of generosity, just stay away from me.”

The moment the words left Youngjae’s mouth and the moment he rushed out, Daehyun knew that he had his answer….

His pulse quickened significantly and he felt his heart thump loudly through his chest. The tingle that spread down through his body, along his arms and legs…could only mean one thing…

…that he was not going to stay away, because he simply couldn’t nor did he want to.

Because…

‘I want to see you again...I want to keep on seeing you.’

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His eyes kept on wandering off to the seat by the third window. The seat was empty, Youngjae had been absent for almost the whole week.

‘When…when will he be ready to see me?’

“Youngjae is still sick?” the teacher asked as he entered the classroom and saw the empty seat. “Anyone know where he lives? As fellow students, you should check up on him.”

Daehyun looked around the classroom, they all shook their heads.

‘No one knows where he lives…only I do…because only I wanted to know.’

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“What are you doing here?” Youngjae asked in astonishment.

Daehyun shrugged, “To see you,” he answered simply and started to feel the nerves kick in.

He swallowed a non-existent lump down his throat, the confidence he had when he entered the room seemed to have died a horrible death. He stood by the door and shifted his weight absentmindedly from one foot to the other.

To confess, to admit your feeling was a thing that required a great amount of courage, Daehyun figured. It didn’t matter that you knew that the other felt the same, it was still hard. Because the moment you say it out loud, there was no way you could take it back. Once you’ve said it, you have willingly given away a part of yourself, thus automatically making yourself vulnerable.

That’s why, in this instant, Daehyun found himself admiring Yoo Youngjae even more, at the same time as he hated himself even more…

Youngjae had trusted Daehyun and had given him parts he could not afford to lose, not like one’s name. To become real friends, you’ll have to give away something more than just your name and in the end, he was betrayed. Still, Youngjae had stood in front of him and confessed to him. Daehyun wondered if he deserved it...well, he doubted it, but he surely wasn’t a fool enough not to accept it…

He reached for Youngjae’s hand and held it gently. “Maybe we should give it a try,” he said, “You know…us.”

Youngaje pulled back his hand and Daehyun bit down on his bottom lip at the loss of the touch. “Are you crazy?” Youngjae looked away and fumbled a few steps back. “You must be. You are crazy…”

‘Yes I am, I’m crazy for liking you. And you are even crazier for liking me...but I’m fine with it’

In fact…

‘I wouldn’t have it in any other way.’

He lunged forward and placed his lips on Youngjae’s. The kiss was awkward and shy; there were no fireworks or sparks…

…but he didn’t need them to tell him that this felt right.

They broke apart and Daehyun could finally see the gleam in the other’s eyes that he had missed all this while.

Warmth spread throughout his body, the tingle returned and ran along his arms and down to his toes.

‘No one else sees you…but I do…and I want to see you again, again and again.’

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Thank you for your time!

And I hope you liked the chapter, next one is going to start where 'Nice to meet you' left off.

<3

Ivy