Chapter 6

Many people have experienced it, lying tossing and turning in the middle of the night. Some because of excitement, because ‘tomorrow’ had yet to be defined and could bring so many new possibilities. They looked forward for the moment sunrays would slip through the curtains and inform them that an adventure was coming their way. Though, some people stayed up for hours squirming in agony, afraid of what the frightening and unpredictable coming day had waiting for them.

Youngjae’s eyelids were shut, but Daehyun knew that the other was still awake. His chest rose and fell at an even pace, and purposely so.

“What are you thinking about?” Daehyun’s whisper came out as a loud echo in the room that had been occupied by silence for too long.

“I’m counting sheep,” Youngjae replied hoarsely as his eyes fluttered open. “One thousand-two hundred-eighty.”

Daehyun shifted for the umpteenth time that night to lie on his sides and tucked his hands between his cheek and the soft pillow, “That’s only half my age.” Maybe he it was because he was tired, the lack of sleep finally kicking in, that nonsense were starting to pour out of him. “I’m from Planet Mato, a masked ninja on a mission.”

The slight twitch at the corner of Youngjae’s mouth caused Daehyun to smile. Youngjae then moved to mirror his position, gaze drifting all over his features. “Then you must the worst and noisiest ninja ever existed.” Youngjae whispered. In the close distance, Daehyun could see how the other’s eyelids from time to time threatened to fall shut, to finally give in due to exhaustion. “What’s your mission?”

Daehyun stared at the boy before him and without much thought, his lips parted and uttered what felt the most natural to say: “To protect you.”

‘To stand by you, is the right thing to do…”

Youngjae’s eyes widened slightly, looking significantly more alert than they had just milliseconds prior. Then there was this strange look on Youngjae’s face, a look that Daehyun found himself unable to figure out. “Do you think it’s worth it?” Youngjae asked.

Daehyun admitted that he felt lost due to their current situation. He was afraid. Because he just might lose everything.

What about Himchan? What about Yongguk and other friends and students? What about his reputation and popularity? They all might evaporate faster than he could even catch a last glimpse of them.

What about the feeling of belonging? Surely, it would disappear entirely.

Then what about the looks and whispers that will come his way? What about all the troubles and hardships that would constantly arise during their remaining school years?

Maybe he should’ve been more prepared for this. After all, since day one…he should’ve seen this coming.

While staring straight into Youngjae’s eyes Daehyun wondered if he was strong enough to stand by his side without faltering…without succumbing to the harsh reality of life.

‘Am I that strong? Am I that brave?

…I doubt it.’

Daehyun removed his hand from under his cheek to let it reach across the small distance and caress Youngjae’s face. His clumsy fingers trailed over soft features as his eyes held onto Youngjae’s.

He could make a long list of all the possible changes, of all the possible loss he might suffer. The sheet itself could be burnt up if he just chose to stay silent regarding the event.

But if he did…

‘Then what about Youngjae?’

He might feel lost but at least one thing was clear: he didn’t even want to consider the possibility of losing Youngjae.

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Jung Daehyun has always been an early riser. No matter what time he went to bed the night before, he would always wake up at around 7 am the next morning. Like he had an alarm clock installed in his body, it was a nice feature he thought. However, sometimes he would be alert during the first hour only to fall into zombie-mode the moment he set a foot into the classroom.

The moment he woke up and opened his eyes, he was met by the sight of a sleeping Youngjae. Some people looked peaceful when they slept. Well, Daehyun hasn’t actually seen that many people’s sleeping faces to draw that conclusion, but that’s what he thought. But some people, in this case including Youngjae slept with a small furrow between their eyes. It made Daehyun’s brows knit together in thought: ‘does he always sleep like this, or is it a onetime thing?’

While he silently pondered on whether or not to run his index finger over the small crease to smooth it out, Youngjae’s eyes flew open. Startled, Daehyun flinched slightly at the sudden motion.

The newly awakened boy looked weirdly at Daehyun at first as if trying to recall why they were sleeping next to each other. But then he lifted himself up slightly from the bed and turned his head all over the room, trying to sense what time it was before his eyes set on the alarm clock by the desk. Daehyun too, looked over at the cylindrical device, 7:10 it said.

Youngjae slumped back onto the mattress and sighed heavily before he mumbled, “You’re not going to say it?” he turned his head to face Daehyun.

He must have seen Daehyun’s confusion, because he soon added, “You’re not going to say: ‘good morning’?”

‘Good morning.’

Was it a ‘good morning’?

If he could filter out all thoughts of what might happen in just a few hours, if he could ignore everything and only have the moment right now…then yes, it would be a good morning.

 A very good morning.

So for a long minute, he did just that. Daehyun had after all, always been good at adapting. “Good morning,” there was a sincere tenderness in his eyes and his voice came out raspy, an octave or so lower as it always did in the early hours of the day.

Daehyun had not expected the expression that suddenly adorned Youngjae’s features, an odd mixture of comprehension and bewilderment. As if he just had something figured out, and that new information stunned him.

“W-what?” Daehyun asked and sat up.

Youngjae shook his head ever so slightly as his eyes blinked. “No, I just…” Youngjae stopped mid-sentence and abruptly got off the bed. He stood up and adjusted his clothes. “My parents usually leave for work at six, so you don’t have to worry running into them. I think I should go down and fix some breakfast” the words rolled off Youngjae’s tongue in high speed, confusing Daehyun even further.

His eyes followed Youngjae all the way until the other reached the door and exited the room. He stared at the closed door for a moment before bringing a hand up to rub the back of his neck.

Daehyun could’ve sworn there was a slight hint of blush…a light shade of pink on Youngjae’s cheeks just before he left.

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“Let’s make it official.” Daehyun said, for some reason trying to sound as casual as he could manage in between bites of the egg sandwich in his hands.

Youngjae who had been distantly nibbling on his first meal of the day across the dining table, looked up at Daehyun with widened eyes. Somewhat stunned for a while, before he recovered and his look turned uncertain. “You and me?”

Daehyun nodded, and then took another bite of his sandwich. He chewed slowly; normally he would have just pushed the food down his throat as fast as he could. Because that was simply how he ate. But this time, he was chewing thoroughly and carefully…and he kind of knew why…

He hoped that the act would somehow distract him from reflecting on why the words now passed his lips so reluctantly. “I have to go home and change into school uniform. Come with me.” He swallowed. “Then we’ll go to school…together.”

It spun in his mind, constantly spiraling in his consciousness: the thought that this was the right thing to do. This was what he should do.

He felt Youngjae’s intense eyes on him, but he couldn’t really bring himself to looking up from his plate and meet those deep and thoughtful eyes.

Silence stretched between them for several minutes, and during those minutes he could practically feel the gaze that was studying him. Dissecting every twitch and detail on his face. And he didn’t like it, at all. Because somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a nagging voice telling him that his features now showed something he wouldn’t want the other to see. He didn’t know what it was but just by knowing that there was something, made him squirm uncomfortably on his seat.

“No.” It was just one single word, no more than two letters. Yet it took a while for Daehyun to fully process what Youngjae had just said.

This time he did look up, and confused eyes met determined ones over the oak table. “What do you mean by ‘no’?” Daehyun, who rarely left his food, slowly put the half-eaten sandwich back on the plate.

Youngjae sighed audibly, “’No’ as in we are not telling anyone.”

Daehyun stared dumbfounded at the boy in front of him, “What do you mean?”

“I want you to stay out of it.”Youngjae said softly, his whole appearance implying that he was serious.

“You want me to leave you alone?” Daehyun said in disbelief. “I can’t do that.”

“You will,” the other retorted firmly. “I’ve been thinking…what difference will it make? If you’re in this with me or not, what difference will it make? None, right? The problem is that I’m a boy who likes another boy. No matter what we do or how we try to salvage the situation, the effort of just one or two people can’t change a single thing.” Youngjae too, put down his food and then fell back against the chair. “Neither you nor I can change what everyone has been raised to deem as wrong. So since nothing can be done…stay out of it.” Youngjae said to Daehyun.

The torn teen felt how his lungs slowly compressed until he had to part his lips and draw in the cold air in order to barely breathe.

“You…” Daehyun shook his head slightly and furrowed his brows, his eyes turned glassy due to the formation of the thin layer of moisture over his orbs. “You are making things difficult for me,” he said quietly.

Youngjae stared at him for a long time before a brittle smile appeared on his lips. “Really? I thought that for once, I was making things easier for you.”   

Daehyun rose up from his chair with a sudden movement. He shook his head more to himself, suddenly feeling completely drained. Without as much a glance at the other boy, he grabbed his plate and went to put it by the sink. Porcelain hit metal, still he remained on the same spot and his eyes fell shut. His eyelids fluttered open when he unexpectedly felt arms wrapped around him from behind, pulling him back into a strong embrace.

“But you told me yesterday that you were scared,” Daehyun said quietly, glancing down at the hands locked round his waist.

“I am,” Youngjae’s hot breath hit the shell of his ear. “And I’m also telling you that I’ll be fine. Really…I’ll be fine.”

A wave of emotions washed over him, and Daehyun could almost identify them all: there were confusion, anxiety, fear and a certain kind of feeling that Daehyun would like to leave out entirely.

Because he knew it was wrong of him to feel it…

but he couldn’t help himself.

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Brick after brick was lifted off his chest. Every now and then he would look at Youngjae’s face with the same question in his eyes, wondering if the other really was fine. He would search for any sign that would indicate that he wasn’t. The times their eyes met for a silent exchange, Youngjae would give him that smile, that reassuring tug of his lips. Daehyun would smile back and let out of breath of relief. After a week, he stopped asking and started to think that things weren’t as bad as he initially thought they would be. If he didn’t know better, he would say that nothing was out of the ordinary.

And fortunately for him…he didn’t.

It was as if he could blissfully believe that nothing had changed.

Whenever he found a reason to turn around on his seat, be it to talk to Jongup behind him or to pass forward the given notes he would cast a quick glance towards the windows and then smile fondly to himself. Youngjae liked to look at the sky, he noticed.

Daehyun thought back of that one day when he scowled because he thought that Youngjae was ignoring his question, he had turned towards his boyfriend only to find him staring dreamingly out the window of his room. Daehyun’s features had softened at the sight. He leant closer, blew a stream of hot air into Youngjae’s ear and chuckled when the other jumped on his seat.

He had pinched Youngjae’s cheek teasingly and said: “You’re quite easily distracted, for someone who is the top of the class. Why, are you hoping to see a spaceship come crashing down?”

Youngjae narrowed his eyes at him, but his look held no intensity as the corners of his mouth twitched. “I like the color.”

Daehyun lifted his head and looked past the sheet of glass. “Of the sky?”

“Yeah, it’s calming.”

Daehyun had let a smirk form on his face, not wanting to let go of the opportunity to get under Youngjae’s skin. “So you need to be calmed down? Why, are my handsome looks making you feel all fuzzy inside?”

The other boy snorted, “You’re unbelievable,” Youngjae rolled his eyes. “A crazy punk whose looks are overrated.” Youngjae had darted out his tongue at him, making him flinch back in mock hurt.

But in the end, Daehyun had recovered and with a gleam in his eyes said: “But I’m rated, which means I’m still above the majority of the population, doesn’t it?”

Daehyun looked down at his desk and felt how an itch was running through his hands at the moment under the table. He wanted to hold Youngjae’s hand. Just like how Youngjae had reached out for his hand that time, a sweet act the other had tried to mask by muttering insults under his breath.

But Daehyun had seen through it, he had seen Youngjae and he had happily welcomed that warmth that slowly spread throughout his whole body.

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It is a wonder how you sometimes only see what you choose to see. And sometimes that meant seeing no one and nothing but you.

It wasn’t until they had a fight or a fight on his part that he was starting to hear it.

Youngjae’s words to him became less and less. Single words that were uttered monotonously soon drove Daehyun to the edge once again. So he snapped. He thought that everything was fine, that he had finally managed to climb over that wall Youngjae had installed around him. He believed that they were starting to get somewhere…only to be left with nothing but disappointment when he found Youngjae closing up on him again.

“Fine, if this is how you are going to be…” he hurriedly gathered his text books, shoved them harshly into his backpack, zipped it up and turned for the door. “I’m leaving.”

If he had turned back then, he would have been able to catch the look on Youngjae’s face. Daehyun would have seen the expression of dejection and defeat that would have made him embrace the other tightly in realization…but he didn’t.

Instead the door slammed shut after him, creating a barrier between the two teenage boys. A wall impossible to see through, completely hiding everything and everyone behind its great bricks.

It wasn’t until he barely saw Youngjae anymore that he was starting to see it.

Too prideful to approach the other, Daehyun had started to spend his days with Himchan. He followed his hyung to countless of TV gigs and recordings, saw idols he didn’t give a damn about and constantly grumbled profanities under his breath. Himchan who after a couple of days felt tired of his junior's foul mood eventually shouted at him to, ‘Man up and fix whatever that was wrong’. Daehyun drove a hand through his hair and ruffled it harshly. The problem was that he didn’t know what was wrong…

At least not until today.

Daehyun’s chest contracted when he saw Youngjae walking towards him in the school corridor. His eyes followed the other, suddenly realizing just how much he missed the approaching boy. Daehyun stood still as he searched for Youngjae’s eyes and let out a sigh of relief when he found them. Their gazes locked for a moment, a mere second before Youngjae turned to look elsewhere and brushed passed him. Daehyun froze up; his widened eyes stared at nothing in particular unblinking.

And he knew…

‘You’re hurting.’

Then they came to him all at once.

The whispers, the snickering and all the looks.

“Did you see him?” a female student snorted. “Walking down the hall with no shame at all. I heard that he’s together with some old man, how disgusting.”

“I told my parents about him and they thought that I should transfer school or at least change class,” this time a boy said. “They are afraid that I might get infected. Really, why don’t his parents send him off somewhere?”

Daehyun’s hands clenched into fists, his nails dug painfully into the sensitive flesh of his palms.

“He has always been weird but I didn’t think that he was this screwed up. Urgh, he likes boys. What, does he want to become a woman?” someone else added.

“Yah, when you guys get changed for gym class what do you do? Should we complain to the principal, have him kicked out of school? He might be the top student but his grades won’t matter now, his future is ruined.”

“Better for us then, less competition,” they all snickered.

A girl made a clicking sound with her tongue, “He only got himself to blame. He might as well just go and die,” she said, completely flipping Daehyun’s insides up-side-down and rendered him breathless.

How can one so naturally wish for someone’s death? How can there be such unity in wanting someone hurt?

“Yeah, he might as well. Since no one is going to come near him ever again.”

It became too hard to breathe.

Daehyun snapped his head up and looked around. How long? For how long has he been unable to see all of this happening? And what more, what more happened before, during and after school that he didn’t know of?

‘Aside from me…what more is hurting you?’

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Daehyun climbed up the stairs two steps at the time. Light feet barely touched the platforms of concrete as he made his way higher and higher up the building. He had been running everywhere around school before he abruptly stopped in his track to mentally kick himself.

‘I like the color…it’s calming.’

So Daehyun persistently ran up the stairs. Despite becoming short of breath, he continuously sped up towards the rooftop. All kinds of conversations between students, from straight out blatant yelling to soft-spoken words blew past his ears as a gust of murmurs. Barely distinguishable. So when his feet stomped onto the very last step, the only sound circling him was the small pants he couldn’t help but let out. His chest rose and fell, gasping for air needed after the exercise.

The door before him was old, its paint Daehyun guessed was once a distinct kind of dark mix of black and brown though it had now faded into a light shade of maroon. The marks and scribbles across the old wood told stories of students crossing the border to the roof from generations back. Stories such as ‘Yoonjae hearts Shiwon’ and…Daehyun snorted, ‘Kim Himchan is the most flawless person on earth, now bow before perfection’. Upon seeing his friend’s name he couldn’t help but feel a bit sad and wonder:

‘What about me?’

Come to think of it, he had been the first to say it, the one to suggest a relationship of more than just friends. Daehyun admits that he then did not ponder too much over it, but that was simply who he was: someone who acts and speaks before thinking.

They were aware of it of course, not thanks to their own or someone else’s experiences but because that was simply what everyone in their surroundings thought.

Their story was against the norm…

So Daehyun couldn’t just carelessly take out a permanent maker and write his name next to Youngjae's and happily encircle it with one big heart. If people saw it, they wouldn’t coo or think of it as sweet or cute, instead they would think: ‘Oh, how could they…’ A heart will always be a heart and they all used letters from the same alphabet, however what differed was that his and Youngjae’s relationship was one that cannot be told to anyone.

Daehyun decided to stay where he stood for a moment, to collect his nerves and prepare himself for the moment he would be in the wide open. Where there was no sense of security of having a roof above his head. To stand in front of Youngjae, look him straight in the eyes and tell him…

Daehyun put his hand round the door handle. He gave it a slight twist and as an answer to his actions, the door swung open, the hinges creaked in the process. His head spun around, looking for the familiar figure he knew would be there. And sure enough, Youngjae sat to his right, while taking in the other’s form someone tugged aimlessly on his heartstrings. Youngjae had his head bent and hugged his knees to his chest, looking exactly like what Daehyun felt at the moment. Utterly lost.

Slowly, with a throat thickening dangerously he started to make his way over to the person he ran up for. He stopped when his shadow fell over Youngjae’s sitting form, making the other look up due to the sudden light change.

“Why didn’t you ever tell me?” Daehyun cleared his throat and forced the words to form. “You had countless of opportunities, yet you never told me…that I’m a bad person.”

Daehyun realized that he could if he wanted to blame the whole world for being as it is. He could hate it for having a one giant distorted picture of how normal should look like, but then he would also have to hate himself…

Because he could have done it, he could have picked up any colorful marker and paint over the whole frickin door. He could have shouted his feelings in the middle of the school hall…he could have stood beside Youngjae…

…if he was brave enough.

But he wasn’t and never has been.

And he hated that part of him.

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Youngjae unfolded his arms round his knees and let them fell to his sides. His legs stretched to their full length before him, almost reaching Daehyun’s white turned grayish sneakers. “I don’t think that you are,” he said and stared straight into Daehyun’s eyes.

Daehyun bit down painfully on his bottom lip and closed his eyes for a mere second to receive a mental blow of guilt. Since when, he wondered, since when did Youngjae’s voice turned so fragile? When did it become so thin that it almost got lost in the afternoon wind?

Daehyun shook his head, shoved his hand in his pockets in hopes that they would stop fidgeting and looked down at his feet. “This whole time, they hurt you…” he lifted a foot slightly, the front of his shoe ran along the sole of Youngjae’s navy colored ones. “And I didn’t see it.”

Youngjae’s feet stretched to tap Daehyun lightly on the ankle. At the gesture, Daehyun lifted his gaze and saw Youngjae tilting his head to the empty space beside him. And Daehyun soon found himself silently sinking down to sit next to Youngjae. He kept his knees bent and rested his arms on them. “I chose to only see what I wanted to see,” Daehyun said, breathing the words only loud enough for Youngjae to hear. “That day, when I asked you if we should make it official and you said ‘no’…” he swallowed a lump down his throat, “…I felt relieved. Because it meant that I didn’t have to risk anything and still have you. And my conscience wouldn’t have to suffer because I offered. But I think that somewhere in the back of my mind I really hoped that you would say ‘no’.”

“It’s fine.” Daehyun’s head turned to Youngjae, his eyes widened briefly as he stared at the other. Youngjae’s head leaned back against the concrete wall as he looked up, his vision lost between white clouds. “I didn’t want you to go through this with me…so it’s fine.”

Daehyun felt a tightening in his stomach, “Because you knew I couldn’t.” He stared at Youngjae’s profile and the very slight change on the other’s facial expression told him that he was right. “It’s not fine. All this time, I thought that I was the one hungrily yearning and seeking. Sometimes I even felt like hitting my head against the wall because I thought I was the one liking you more than you will ever like me.” Daehyun paused when Youngjae turned to look at him. “So I don’t get it…if I can claim that I like you that much then why…why don’t I see anyone but myself?” His voice came out surprisingly firm, “this is not about you nor is it about me; it’s about us. But I willingly let you face everything alone…” Daehyun averted his gaze from deep brown orbs, “I must be a bad person...so how can you say that it’s fine?” Daehyun rubbed his face with his hands, squeezed his eyes shut and then opened them again while facing the boy beside him. “I hate that side of me.”

Youngjae let out a sigh as he tore his eyes away from the sky and instead set them on Daehyun. “I don’t,” he said simply.

“Why?”

The smile was soft, “For the same reason you always put up with me.” Youngjae said as the look in his eyes turned awfully tender. Daehyun stared back in wonder, trying the figure why he was given this look when he clearly didn’t deserve it. The knot down the pit of his stomach gave another twist, sending all sorts of painful signals down his spine. “Did you know that I’ve always been fine on my own?” suddenly flashes of anxiety emerged in Youngjae’s eyes. “To hide the fact that I felt lonely, I prided myself in being able to handle everything by myself. If I didn’t need help, then I wouldn’t feel the need of having someone by my side. But then you came…” Daehyun found himself desperately hanging on to every word. “And then for some reason you were willing to get to know me.” Youngjae smiled, faint and brittle, “Sometimes I want to reach out for you, just once in a while hold you without any other thought running through my head, telling me not to. Sometimes I want to kiss you, because it feels nice when you kiss me. I really want to open up and be with you without any doubts…but then…” the last bit drifted off almost in a whisper, muffled by the light breeze.

Daehyun swallowed thickly, “then what?” he whispered softly, encouraging the other to continue. He wanted…no he needed to hear it…

“Then I start to wonder if you’ll remember me ten years from now.” Youngjae took a deep breath, “Maybe you will or maybe you won’t. After all, a high school momentary confusion can easily be forgotten.” Daehyun’s lips parted, and in the last moment swallowed everything he wanted to say in fear that Youngjae wouldn’t continue if he stopped him. “It’s inevitable for human feelings to change. I wanted to reciprocate your affections, thinking that you might leave my side if I couldn’t. But at the same time, I couldn’t bring myself to give in completely.” Daehyun bit down on his lip as Youngjae eyes shifted to a thoughtful look. He waited, with all the patience in the world, Daehyun waited for Youngjae to voice his thoughts. “Because if I did, I don’t think that I’d still be strong enough to be on my own the day your feelings do change.”

“I’m not going to change,” Daehyun said quietly as he cautiously lay his hand over Youngjae’s that rested between them and gave it a light squeeze. “I won’t.”

“You don’t know that,” Youngjae turned his head back to look up at mighty and blue covering above, greedily taking in its serenity. “Besides you’re a guy and I’m also a guy…feelings like these are not meant to last.”

Daehyun’s breath hitched as his chest contracted strangely, his grip round Youngjae’s hand then loosened.

He instantly knew what was going to come.

‘This is it.’

“I like you,” Daehyun couldn’t help but say.

‘I really really really like you…I even think that I might be in l-‘

“And how far will that get us?” Youngjae said. Daehyun shook his head, and came to suddenly dislike Youngjae’s soothing tone; the one that said everything in such a calm and collected manner. “Do you think it’s worth it, to fight for something that will inevitably end?”

Daehyun brought his hands up, to reach and hold Youngjae’s face between his palms. He turned the other’s face towards himself, locked their eyes and asked…on borderline of begging for sincerity. “Do you want to break up? Do you want to end this?”

Words of separation, the last time Daehyun said them he had felt light and free afterwards. Maybe it was because she was a foreigner and they had trouble communicating or maybe he simply didn’t like her as much as he thought that he did.

But this time…the weight of them pinned him roughly to the ground.

“Yes.”

Daehyun had never thought that one simple word could change so much. A simple ‘yes’ could make one stop breathing entirely, nothing could be done even if every single cell in the body desperately cried for air. A simple ‘yes’ could make one feel this hopeless.

His hands fell lifelessly from Youngjae’s face.

‘It’s over.’

“Right now, I really want to say it. I want to say: ‘Let’s end it here. Let’s move on and wait for our feelings to gradually fade away,’” Youngjae said, the hint of sadness was easily traced in his voice. “But even if I do, I know that I can’t mean them…because…” Youngjae buried his eyes deep into the wondering and somewhat enchanting brown orbs of Jung Daehyun.

“Because of what?” Daehyun asked quietly.

The asked boy blinked. Twice, in slow motions as if to during those seconds carefully embrace every ounce of courage he had. “Because even if this day or any other day was going to be the worst of my life, a simple ‘good morning’ from you can easily make me believe it’s the best day ever.” Youngjae bit down on his lip and then steadily braced himself to give in entirely, “I love you.”

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Hi

I was supposed to update last week, but suddenly had a fever so I ended up just lazing around all days.

I'm not completely satisfied with the chapter, but at the same time I don't know what to write to improve it either (sensing a writer's block)

But I hope the chapter wasn't to messy and that you enjoyed it anyway ^^

And thank you everyone who subscribed!

<3

Ivy