Chapter 7

‘I love you’

Three words, eight letters.

Nothing more, nothing less, yet how come they took so much of a person just to whisper them into thin air. So much strength and so much courage laced with the faintly bitter aroma of self-sacrification.

You sacrifice a part of yourself the moment the letters pass your lips, whether conscious- or unconsciously. The fear of rejection makes the words lump together in your throat only to roll off your tongue sounding almost uncertain and shy yet embraced with a scent of confidence.

Your eyes are guarded; you prepare yourself to instantly shield your soul from breaking completely, from tears to fall in case the worse scenario decides to take over your biography. But at the same time, your eyes are offering the other everything you have to give. Risks. That’s what encircles the term ‘love’, because that‘s what you do. You take a life-altering risk just to have that one shot for happiness. That one chance.

Jung Daehyun, 18 years old had heard the familiar yet foreign phrase of confession before. Familiar in the sense that it was so overused in his surroundings: ‘I love you’, ‘I love this’, ‘I love that’ so many versions, so many meaningless commitments. The words were foreign because he realized he had never believed them before.

Therefore, Daehyun found himself rendered speechless.

He never met anyone that looked at him like this before. Someone who looked him straight in the eyes, open and unblinking, prepared to give him anything he asked for. Someone who looked at him in that way….that made feel like even though he was just one ordinary person in the sea of billions others…he was special.

He never met anyone that cared about him in this kind of way, someone who was selflessly willing to bear any burden for him without asking for anything in return. Daehyun could see it; he could see just how much the boy sitting next to him cared for someone like him.

He never met anyone he thought would matter this much to him. Someone whose smile would for a couple of seconds make him forget the existence of everything and everyone else, that made him want them all to disappear permanently. He never met someone whose voice enchanted him in such a way that people would certainly deem as foolish. Someone who could occupy his every thought and plant a smitten look on his face that just made him look plain stupid.

He never met someone like Youngjae.

‘I love you.’

He never truly believed them before.

Until now.

And he realized that there was no way he could say the words back.

A stinging sensation formed behind his eyelids and Daehyun tried to blink it away. But the burn prevailed and showed the hurt it caused as he looked into Youngjaes deep brown eyes. Daehyun opened his mouth slightly and inhaled the cold air, a breath that seemed to stuck somewhere down its way to his lungs. Daehyun felt weak and helpless. He was incapable of grasping what had generously and carefully been planted in his hands, all he could do was to choke down that lump in his throat and watch as the heart slowly slipped between his fingers.

It all crashed down onto the ground and he wondered if it was beyond repair. Was he ever going to be strong enough and stop hurting the person he truly liked?

‘I really really really like you…I even think that I might be in love with you.’

Might be in love.

And that was not nearly enough.

‘How can that ever be enough for me to say it out loud?’

It didn’t feel right…nothing felt right anymore.

His head was pounding like a drum…

Dun dun dun

…in the middle of a maze.

There were no directions, no guide to help him sort out his emotional turmoil. What did he want? What was he going to do?

Youngjae turned away, eyes seeking the light blue color that felt like his only comfort.  His eyes squeezed shut for a moment, forcing back any sign of sorrow that had threatened to fall. “But even if I can’t mean it, I still want to give it a try.” He turned back to Daehyun, and made an amiable attempt to smile. Because if he didn’t, if they didn’t: the situation would be so many times harder to bear. “Daehyun-ah, let’s end it here.”

Daehyun shivered, an ice cold chill ran down his spine and froze every nerve on its way. Every single one of them.

Unconsciously, his trembling hand reached over and touched the back of Youngjae’s neck. Gently, he pulled the other forward. Daehyun’s gaze dropped to land on the other’s lips and noted how they were somewhat dry due to their owner’s neglect and how they still tried to smile. He brought the other hand up and let the pads of his fingertips brush faintly over Youngjae’s soft lips. “Don’t smile when you don’t want to,” his voice came out raspy, scratching on the walls of his throat. “Don’t lie.”

The smile that had adorned Youngjae’s features vanished and left was a face that bared all his current conflicts, his current battles. Youngjae sighed heavily, “I’m only human, Daehyun, fully capable of lying.”

“Even to yourself?” To tell lies, to avoid the truth has always been in Daehyun’s character. He could live in lies, true it wasn’t always pleasant but for him it has never been unbearable. However, Youngjae has never been one to lie. And they both knew that. If Youngjae could live in such pretension then he wouldn’t be alone, he could like many people out there, including Daehyun plaster on a different personality just to get along with others. He could have denied everything and never told Daehyun how he felt. He could have spared the words: ‘I like you’ and ‘I love you’ to blissfully carry on with life without exposing himself to so many sharp edges that would with great aim harm him. But he didn’t.

The Yoo Youngjae in Daehyun’s eyes was someone who always wanted to be true to himself.

“Yes, even to myself.” Youngjae lifted an arm to push away Daehyun’s hold of him; he pulled back but made sure to keep looking at Daehyun straight in the eye. “I don’t want to be selfish. I don’t want to be thinking something as selfish as: ‘I want you to see only me’. Not when I’m aware that life is too broad and the sky is too high for you to live seeing only me.”

Daehyun stilled, for a moment wondered if he had the right to be in pain. Could he be hurt, when the person next to him was probably hurting even more?

Youngjae moved, lifted himself off the ground and started to build on a distance between them which only purpose was to grow larger and larger.

Daehyun squinted with his eyes, and could tell how Youngjae bit down on his lips, rolled the soft flesh between his teeth before he let it go to say softly: “It was nice to meet you, Jung Daehyun.”

‘That’s it. A closure.

Will this make you stop hurting?'

With those words, Youngjae turned his heel on Daehyun and soundlessly made his way to back. Step by step he reached for the old door that separated the rooftop from the stairwell. Daehyun remained still and watched how Youngjae’s silhouette gradually turned smaller and smaller. He didn’t realize that he had been holding his breath until Youngjae finally disappeared behind that door. The door closed with a light squeak, yet it sounded like a grenade had gone off in Daehyun’s ears. What could he do? What could he do more than live in the aftermath of the explosion?

‘How can I love you, when I’m like this?’

The suffocating smoke captured him making him unable to see. And it hit him that Youngjae was now truly and completely out of his sights.

‘How can I love you…when I’m afraid?’

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‘…I start to wonder if you’ll remember me ten years from now…’ Youngjae had said. Daehyun wasn’t a fortuneteller; he couldn’t tell how the future will look like. But, at present moment, he was slowly being driven insane by all the details that constantly played in his mind. Like a black and white film that kept on replaying itself on the finest screen.

Whenever he ate a piece of strawberry cheesecake or drank strawberry milk he would remember how Youngjae disliked strawberries. Whenever he watched a movie he would remember how Youngjae liked to analyze ever freaking detail that passed through the screen, from script to scenario and make annoying comments such as: ‘the plot is boring, the editing and there’s no character development whatsoever, why are we watching this again?’. Daehyun would roll his eyes and almost beg Youngjae to try to enjoy the movie and not over think every single thing. Youngjae would try, but it would only last for a maximum of 15 minutes before he had his chopping block ready again. Whenever Daehyun sat at the dining table he would recall how nice the food tasted at Youngjae’s place and how Youngjae would sneakily pass all his bean sprouts onto his bowl. Whenever he sat by his desk and tried to solve his homework, the smartass Youngjae would enter his mind; the image of a focused boy nibbling on his pencil became so real, so painfully real before his eyes.

‘A closure meant ‘the end’. We are expected to proceed separately onto different paths…yet my mind can’t seem to stop wandering back.’

Whenever Daehyun’s eyes fell shut…he would remember everything else.

‘I don’t know how it will be in ten years…but right now, I remember everything about you.’

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Black straight hair that passed her shoulders, a heart-shaped mouth that struggled to form the words she thought she had gathered enough courage to say. She took a deep breath as if to steady herself, and bravely looked into his eyes with renewed determination. Because she was not going to give up when she’d already come halfway by asking him to follow her to the backside of the school.

“I really like you. Please go out with me,” she said and looked at him with hopeful eyes.

Daehyun’s gaze fell over the girl before him and he could tell how the way he looked at her made her shift her weight from one foot to another. She was pretty, Daehyun noted. A kind of pretty that carried a natural essence and her small frame and tiny wrists only enhanced that air of innocence. Somewhat delicate and endearing. Instantly Daehyun could list a dozen boys in his class that would say ‘yes’ to this girl without a second thought. And expectedly, he wasn’t one of them…or maybe it was more appropriate to say that he couldn’t be one of them…

“Why do you like me?” he couldn’t help but to ask as a sudden wave of curiosity fell over him. What was it about him that she liked? What part of him made her overcome her fear of rejection? What made people strong when he always found himself so weak?

She fumbled with the sleeves of her school-blazer, contemplating her words. “I think that you are really good-looking,” she started, shyly meeting his eyes. “I like your accent. You are funny and charming and…you are my ideal type.”

Daehyun smiled faintly at that.

‘Your ideal type…

Then how many of those presumed qualities are truly me?’

Probably none.

He sighed and finally said the words that were inevitable from the moment she called out his name: “I’m sorry, but I don’t like you.”

‘I barely even remember your name…’

“And you shouldn’t like me,” he said gently when he saw her glazed eyes and the droplets of tears that suddenly ran down her cheeks. “I don’t really know how you have pictured me, but I’m sure it’s nowhere near the real me.”

Daehyun turned his back at her and retreated into the school building. All the while trying to ignore the sniffles emitted from the person he coldly left behind. He didn’t feel any guilt though.

On the contrary, Daehyun felt like he did the girl a favor.

After all, she was out for disappointment.

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Daehyun rounded a corner and was about to cross the doorstep to the classroom when he halted at the last second. His eyes automatically travelled over whispering, loud and sleeping figures to land on the occupied seat by the window. He stared…and he couldn’t stop.

As if sensing eyes on him, Youngjae looked up from his book and looked around the room. Daehyun’s felt his entire being slowly sink through the ground when Youngjae turned all his attention back to the open book on his desk. He could have sworn that their eyes met. Only for a split second, but it was there. But Youngjae had turned away and Daehyun found himself hating, absolutely detesting the invisible wall built solid and strong around the other.

With his hands clenched into fists by his side, Daehyun slowly made his way to his seat. He sank down, locked himself onto the uncomfortable seat that only faced forward. Thus its main purpose suddenly became to prevent him from turning around, to look at the person that time after time made his mind go blank.

One could have an ‘ideal type’, a certain color of the hair, a certain height or face that he or she preferred. And it was perfectly normal.

Anyone could say: ‘I like her legs’, ‘I like his eyes’ or ‘I like her body’ and no one would give it a second thought. No one would voice their disagreement if there happened to be one, because they could all accept that it was normal to have different preferences.

But Daehyun liked Youngjae for being Youngjae. How come it was so hard to accept?

It was okay to fall in love in a shallow manner. But it wasn’t okay to fall in love with someone of the same gender.

People could claim to be in love for many reasons, for idolization, for money or for power. Yet they wouldn’t be questioned for it or maybe very hesitantly so.

Daehyun couldn’t help but think that his love or Youngjae’s love could be nothing more but real…still people would question it in a heartbeat.

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A short snippet of a familiar melody broke out from the speakers, informing all passengers that the metro was approaching. Daehyun took a stride to the left, to stand on the side of the sliding doors. In the reflection of the glasslike walls he could see how people started to line up after him, waiting for their turn to enter the public transportation. The metro arrived with a swishing sound and soon people were storming out of it, hurriedly making their way through the underground passages.  Daehyun passed the sliding door as the path was starting to clear, the air condition inside made the vehicle a little bit too cold to his liking and he shivered. He grabbed a handle and seriously pondered on the thought of standing up for the whole ride. The metal seats sort of lost their appeal as Daehyun figured that he would only feel colder once the shiny surface made contact with his body.

They stopped at the next station and every passenger swayed a little as the breaks were hit. People rose up from their seats and left while others joined. An old lady, perhaps due to her age demanded people to make way for her, Daehyun followed the others and took a small step to the side. Perhaps too small, since her cane painfully dug into his ribs as she staggered passed him. All the younger boy could do was to bite down his groan and curse silently to himself, because old people had certain privileges.

Daehyun regained his composure and flicked his eyes to look at the screen that currently displayed their location. However, his eyes never made it to the moving picture. A particular figure sitting on the other side effortlessly stole every ounce of his attention, leaving him all numb.

Youngjae had been looking at him, Daehyun was sure of that. And the sight of the other clutching his school bag closer to his chest while he turned his whole body slightly in the opposite direction to Daehyun only seemed to prove him right.

Daehyun noticed how the seat next to Youngjae was unoccupied. Should he go over? Should he sit next to the other boy? Was it okay for him to do that? Well, why wouldn’t it?

The lump in his throat slowly made its way down, joining whatever mess that had formed down the pit of his stomach. With small steps and hesitation apparent on his features, Daehyun went to sit beside Youngjae.

“Hi,” he said and looked at his classmate. Daehyun wondered if he had made a mistake when the other’s face remained blank.

“Hi,” the answer was quiet but not as reluctant as Daehyun had expected it to be. Daehyun shuddered, but quickly convinced himself that it had everything to do with the cold seat and nothing to do with Youngjae. Because he shouldn’t be affected like this. Youngjae’s voice shouldn’t still make him feel like this. They were over.

“How have you been?” Daehyun asked, desperate to keep the conversation going.

Youngjae looked at him for a moment, before he smiled faintly. “Isn’t that a strange thing to ask? We see each other every day in school.”

Daehyun blinked, he tried to blink away the thoughts that made his heart clench.

‘No, we don’t…we don’t see each other anymore.’

“I guess,” Daehyun smiled bitterly. “Then how are your parents?”

Youngjae turned away and lifted his head to look at the screen Daehyun had sought to look at before. Next stop, he confirmed. Less than two minutes and they would part ways. “They are good.”

“That’s good.” Daehyun nodded ever so slightly. Then said the first thing that came to mind. “I miss your mum’s cooking.”

‘I miss you.’

A loud female voice rang through the speakers, announcing that they would arrive in a couple second and that the doors would open to their right. Youngjae rose from his seat, swung the bag over his shoulder. “She asked about you,” he said with his back facing Daehyun. Then added in a more quiet and cautious tone: “I think she misses you too.”

‘What about you? Do you miss me?’

They stepped out of the chilly metro into the more acceptable temperature of the station. Youngjae immediately directed his strides to the right for the exit closest to his neighborhood.

“Can I come over?” Daehyun asked without any further thought before the other got too far away to hear him.

Youngjae twirled, swiftly spun around to face Daehyun, slightly taken aback by the sudden question. But his surprise soon morphed into hesitation, clearly torn as if fighting an inner battle where the winner didn’t decide anything more than which kind of torture he was going to face.

Daehyun took a step forward into Youngjae’s direction as he shoved his hands into his pockets. “We used to hang out,” he said quietly. “You know, play games and stuff. Do we…do we have to break off everything?”

He let his bottom lip roll between his teeth and anxiously waited for the reply or for the other to say anything at all.

Daehyun was well aware that he might be asking for too much, that it was nothing but a selfish request from his side.

But he felt so empty.

“Okay,” it came out as a soft whisper, barely audible and Daehyun was sure he would have missed it if all his attention hadn’t been on the boy in front of him.

He let out a deep breath, one he didn’t even know he had been holding. Youngjae then turned around and started to once again walk towards the exit.

Daehyun followed right behind him.

‘I’m selfish while you’re selfless…I can’t help but think that we are a perfect match.’

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How could he describe it? The feeling of stepping into Youngjae’s room again…was it bittersweet? Yes, it was.

He had set his foot into this very room countless of times before. Sometimes he would storm in like it was no different from his own personal space. Sometimes, if he felt extra cautious he would knock first just to make sure that he would have body intact when he crossed that doorstep. The small room had never felt unfamiliar to him, however now it felt nothing but.

So there he was, standing awkwardly in the middle of the tiny room, lightly fidgeting on the spot. But Youngjae seemed calm; the look on his face seemed to tell that nothing was out of the ordinary. Perhaps it wasn’t, they could go back to being friends and they could hang out like they used to. Or perhaps Youngjae felt as torn as Daehyun did, but chose to act otherwise. Youngjae could for all Daehyun knew be gifted in that area.

“What game do you want to play,” while Daehyun was lost in his thoughts, Youngjae had settled himself on the floor and leaned back against the bedframe.

Daehyun shook his head slightly and blinked as if to clear his mind. He then carelessly dropped his backpack, his heavy textbooks cried out in a thump as they hit the wooden floor. “It doesn’t matter,” Daehyun said and joined Youngjae. “You choose.” A controller being handed to, which he accepted and did his best…tried his hardest to ignore the tingling sensation that emerged when their hands brushed.

Bright color flashed before him, but he couldn’t seem to follow the details on the screen. Instead he just sat there, blatantly staring as Youngjae clicked away. Pretended to click away. Daehyun figured that the other was growing tired of it when the controller suddenly slipped out of his hands and fell hard on the floor. The background music kept on playing as the game went on yet neither of them had heart enough to care. Daehyun couldn’t seem to tear his eyes away from Youngjae while Youngjae couldn’t seem lift his head and look at anywhere else beside down at his hands.

Then before Daehyun could even register what he was doing, he found himself leaning to the side and resting his chin on Youngjae’s shoulder. At one point, he even pressed his mouth against the cotton material of the other’s shirt.

They were so close Daehyun could feel how Youngjae’s muscles tensed up and how he struggled to keep his breathing even. When Daehyun realized he wasn’t going to be pushed away, he let his eyes tiredly fall shut and greedily savored the touch.

“Youngjae-ah,” he said softly after a moment. “Don’t you think this is too hard?”

‘Are break-ups supposed to be like this? Are they supposed to be this consuming?’

“It is,” the asked boy admitted. “Maybe we should try harder,” the sadness in his voice was so easy to detect that Daehyun wanted nothing more than to magically make it all go away.

Daehyun turned his head, so that his cheek lay against Youngjae’s shoulder and wondered how far he could go. Was he allowed to touch, to run his fingers over Youngjae’s arm, hand or face? Would that be going too far?

“Youngjae-ah, what about you,” Daehyun spoke quietly, “Will you remember me?”

‘Ten years from now, will you remember that you ever loved someone like me?’

Youngjae sighed heavily. “I guess I will.” He turned his head slightly to look at Daehyun from the corner of his eyes. “After all, there’s a saying that you’ll never forget your first love.”

Daehyun’s silently gasped, his insides slowly rearranged themselves in a way that ceased all internal functionality. Breathing suddenly became difficult.

“That wasn’t a fair thing to say,” he managed to choke out.

“What do you know about fair play,” Youngjae retorted.

True.

Maybe he had gone too far…

If this was a game, Youngjae would be the one bending the rules…and Daehyun the one straight out cheating.

Feeling guilty, Daehyun straightened himself up turned his head towards the door, “Maybe I should leave.”

Silence has never been this loud. So loud that when Youngjae opened his mouth to say: “You should,” it seemed like the whole world had exploded.

Jung Daehyun walked down the street, he made sure to round two corners before he stopped. How many thought ran through the human mind in a day? For how many days do you have to live like an emotional wreck to finally break down due to exhaustion? What do you do when you want nothing more than shut down completely?

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The alarm clock should have known better than to ring one time too many. If it didn’t go off and screamed that he missed first period it wouldn’t have flown across the room to crash onto the floor.

Daehyun had no desire to move. He wanted to bury himself under his three blankets for as long as he could. At least there, in his bed…he felt warm.

But he should have guessed that no one gave a damn about what he wanted. Especially not his mom who stormed in like a hurricane, and demanded to know why he was still sleeping and not in school learning things. That was what they did, wasn’t it? They walk into the same building every day in hopes of becoming a little bit brighter. They walked through the halls, saw both new and familiar faces and unconsciously get influenced by the people around them. Some people changed for the better while some changed for the worse.

Daehyun tried to tell a lie or two, but he figured that his mom must have grown immune to them, so in the end he couldn’t anything but get dressed and pave his way to that dreading school.

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Until when do we stop changing? Until when do we stop trying to define who we are?

“Jung Daehyun!” he looked up upon hearing his name. Yes, it was his name. Jung Daehyun. He started to wonder what his name told about him. What did his name say about him as a person?

The list formed in his head was short and contained terms such as ‘Busan Wonbin’ and ‘popular’. So, looks and popularity…somehow that felt so so shattering.

‘When will I feel nothing but pride when I see the reflection of my true self in other people’s eyes?’

Kim Himchan was walking towards Daehyun, for once with Bang Yongguk on his side. “Yah, Jung Daehyun,” he said when they stood face to face and hit the younger on the shoulder. “Skipping school now, aren’t we? Finally entered that rebellious phase?”

Daehyun drove a hand through his hair, and tried to form a smile on his lips, at least a small one. And he knew he failed miserably.

“Are you okay?” the youngest of the three almost jumped at Yongguk’s deep tone. He had after all not been hearing it for so long.

Daehyun met Yongguk’s eyes and for a moment felt short, tiny in every aspect. His hyung’s name, ‘Bang Yongguk’ described a strong person, someone wise with great values…someone who saw things and always strived to make them better.

Himchan looked back and forth between them; to in the end set his eyes on his junior. “You’re not feeling well?”

‘Kim Himchan’, when that name travelled down the corridors people would think of a daring and confident young man. Someone who could openly point out his flaws but at the same time not see them negatively. He was a great hyung, a great friend, caring and loyal to those people that mattered to him.

Daehyun wished he was a little bit like Yongguk, a little bit like Himchan…and a little bit like Youngjae.

“I’m fine,” he lied. “I’m just-“

“Hey Minhyuk-ah, is it true that you made that guy fall down the stairs?” Daehyun turned his head to the side and saw two of his classmates exchanging identical grins.

The addressed boy snickered, “I put my foot out and then he just rolled down,” Minhyuk made circling motions with his hand in the air to add a little flare to his story.

“Won’t you get in trouble for it? I heard he fell quite badly.”

The asked boy snorted and shrugged. “Who is going to listen to him? Seriously I’m surprised he even survived this long.”

Somewhere in the back of his mind, there was a small part that could register Himchan’s raspy voice that asked him what was wrong. But the rest of it, most part of him was focused on the conversation that was slowly fading as they moved further and further away.

Realisation hit him, rendering him breathless.

There was only one person Daehyun could think of who could be ‘that guy’. There was only one person that people refused to listen to in this wretched place. Only one whom people sickingly thought they could hurt and innocently justify it.

Daehyun’s vision blurred. “I-I got to go.” His feet moved only to abruptly stop in the middle of his track.

Where was he supposed to go? Where was he supposed to look?

He couldn’t tell if it was his mind or his whole body that was spinning so frantically.

A strong hand curled round his wrist, jerking him around. Daehyun looked up with panic in his breath as he met Yongguk’s deep eyes. “I think I saw that kid walk to the infirmary,” his spoke slowly, even slower that his usual way of speaking. Yongguk let go of Daehyun when he saw that the younger had heard him, sound and clear.

Daehyun turned around…and he ran.

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His breath was still caught in his throat when his hands gripped the door handle, ready to pull at it. But when his eyes looked through the small square window of the door, he suddenly couldn’t. Even if he with all his might tried to apply a force and pull it down…it wouldn’t budge.

‘How can I face you when I’m like this?’

He staggered back and just kept on looking through the glass, looking at how Youngjae was sitting on a chair trying to wrap a bandage round his injured hand. Youngjae bit his lip in concentration, pulled the white material round and round his left hand. But it never turned out good enough, he had to undo it and do it all over again and again and again and again.

Daehyun took in Youngjae’s form, the one that whispered of frustration and defeat….a sight that pierced right through his chest.

His fists clenched. Hard.

‘When will this end?

What has to be done for you to feel less alone?’

He fumbled in his pocket and pulled out his phone. With used motions, he typed in the only number besides his own and his brother’s that he knew by heart.

Daehyun pressed the device to his ear and looked behind the glass again. An instrumental carried through the material of the door in form of a ringtone. He watched as Youngjae picked up his phone, he wanted to cry out when Youngjae only stared at the name ‘Daehyunnie’ on the display without any intention to pick up the call. Youngjae put his ringing phone down onto the nearest table and let it continue to ring. Everytime Daehyun reached ‘voicemail’, he could cancel the call and redial it. And every time the phone on the other side of the door fell silent only to start ringing again Youngjae would look at it and fight against any desire to pick it up.

After Daehyun’s sixth try, Youngjae finally had enough; he sighed soundly and swept a trembling thumb over the screen then pressed the thing to his ear. “Hello?” the vulnerable and broken voice that spoke into Daehyun’s ear made him swallow thickly.

“What are you doing?” with great effort he managed to form a whole sentence.

The other line fell silent for a while and Daehyun could tell how Youngjae struggled to keep on talking to him, to be connected to him even if it was only over a sea of wavelengths.

“Shouldn’t I be the one asking you that? You’re skipping school, aren’t you?”

‘If I didn’t see you, I wouldn’t know that your lips were quivering.’

 “What are you doing?” he asked again, his tone a notch deeper.

Youngjae closed his eyes, “I’m having lunch.”

‘If I didn’t see you, I wouldn’t know that you were lying.

All for me.’

Daehyun suddenly ended the call. He turned his heel and with steady steps went away from there.

‘If I didn’t see you, I wouldn’t know that I’ve got to change…for you.’

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Jung Daehyun took great strides through the cafeteria, paved his way between chairs and tables in a rushing manner. If he slowed down, he might have a change of heart, and he didn’t want that to happen. Not now, not ever.

“Lee Minhyuk,” Daehyun called out when got closer to the sitting boy and was for a moment surprised at how confident he sounded. “I need a favor.”

The asked boy turned around, he grinned when he saw Daehyun and coolly shrugged his shoulders, “Sure, what is it?”

Daehyun smiled, a tug of his lips that held absolutely no sign of fondness and looked at his classmate straight in the eyes. “Hit me.”

Heads spun in their direction, bewildered but mostly curious of exactly was happening.

“What?” the other inquired, confusion clearly visible in his widened eyes.

“Hit me,” Daehyun repeated in manner that showed just how serious he was. “My face, my chest or anywhere you feel you can give a good strike at. Come on,” he urged. “Go all out.”

 “What the hell are you on? You can’t just ask me to hit you out of the blue.” Minhyuk got on his feet to stand on eye-level with Daehyun. “Are you crazy?”

Maybe he was…maybe he had been driven to the point of insanity that he just couldn’t take it anymore. “Are you going to do it or not?”

Minhyuk’s eyes narrowed, “You’re really serious, aren’t you?”

“I’ve never been more serious in my life.”

The other shook his head in disbelief, “Yah Jung Daehyun, go and pull your somewhere else.” Minhyuk turned away from Daehyun and was about to sit back down onto his seat, but was prevented from doing so when he felt an iron grip round his arm. “What are you doing!?” he snapped and tried in vain to free his arm from Daehyun’s strong hold.

“What? You can’t do it?” Daehyun snorted. “So you can push a guy down the stairs and later laugh about it, but you can’t hit me when I ask you to?”

The asked boy stilled for a moment, suddenly looking even more confused than he did moments prior. “This is about that loser!?”

Daehyun’s grip tightened even further. “His name is Youngjae.”

Minhyuk pushed harshly at Daehyun’s chest with his free hand, “Who cares? You think I give a damn about him?” another shove and Daehyun stumbled back. “ Daehyun, I thought you were cool, but I guess you’re just-“

Daehyun pushed back and for a fraction of a second he was sure Minhyuk was going to hit him for real. But then they separated, two forces pulled at them and only stopped when they deemed the distance safe and acceptable.

Yongguk was standing beside Minhyuk, not really holding him but still made sure that the other would not move a fin. On the other side, Daehyun found himself in Himchan’s arms, holding him in place. “What are you doing, Daehyun?” the senior friend hissed into his ear. “It’s not like you to start a fight.” The concern in his friend’s deep voice did not go lost on him.

Daehyun’s head fell slightly and he found his eyes setting on the dirty floor. He struggled out of Himchan’s arms, eventually breaking free and took a step back. His nails dug painfully into the palm of his hands as he raised his head to take a look around. So many students formed a circle around them. Maybe they were out for some entertainment, a subject to gossip about. Maybe they were purely curious or maybe they simply found themselves in the situation. But it didn’t matter; it was better this way…the more, the better…

“I’m not picking a fight,” Daehyun said softly, directing his words to no one in particular or to everyone. They all seemed to listen so it didn’t really matter which. “I’m just tired…I’m really tired of thinking that I’m surrounded by bad people.” He took a deep breath, finally prepared to shake off that weight on his chest. “Youngjae is one of the most admirable people I’ve met. Sometimes I can’t get over how fortunate I am to know him, to see him.” Daehyun glanced at across the circled area and looked at Minhyuk. “He’s a good person…I bet you don’t know that because you never bothered. But he is a good person, someone who can accept people for who they are.” His gaze hardened, “Can you say the same about yourself?”

Line after line of whispers carried throughout the ring of teenagers. So Daehyun raised his voice, with a confidence that had formed out of nowhere, he suddenly started to believe that his voice could overpower them all. “I’m not a good person,” Daehyun said admittedly. “When I walk down the street and see someone dressed in a funny way or when his or her looks are simply not to my liking thoughts such as: ‘Ah, I’m better than this person’ can cross my mind.” He smiled bitterly, “I can feel superior to a complete stranger. I can be selfish and I can hurt people around me. But I would never do that intentionally. So…I would like to think that I’m not a very bad person either. Can you think the same about yourself?”

Daehyun watched as his classmate’s eyes flashed how he struggled to stay still because everything about Yongguk’s demeanor warningly told him not to move. “What is it you?” Minhyuk growled. “Why do you care? Youngjae’s your friend?” he then grinned coldly “Perhaps you are just like him?”

The assumption had hit spot on, and Daehyun was astonished over its lightness. He didn’t break, he didn’t even flinch and there was no inner voice that told him to deny it. Daehyun felt strangely calm…he felt good.

“I care, because I’m allowed to love whoever I want. Just like you all are. You have no right to judge me…because we are all the same.” Daehyun drove a hand through his unruly hair. He looked around the crowed again; saw everyone yet no one in particular. Then he found his eyes landing on Yongguk hyung and his heart swelled. The encouraging smile he was given tore up the last remaining weight on his chest. He then turned to Himchan, who looked shocked but gave him a small nod. And to Daehyun that was enough. “I-I’m going to believe in my own love…and you, all of you will just have to live with it.”

Then he saw him.

Among the sea of white and black school uniforms stood the only person he really wanted to see.

Daehyun couldn’t stop the smile that formed on his lips, nor did he want to. It was small, but genuine.

Youngjae kept on staring at him, looking so lost that made Daehyun want to rush forward and capture him in his arms.

With eyes fixed on his friend, his most valuable person, Daehyun grasped the opportunity he might not ever have again and spoke loudly. “I always hear that high school is supposed to be the best time of your life. Full of memories you would like to reminisce. I don’t want to nitpick and only remember certain moments, to only remember fractions of my high school life because the rest hurt too much.” Youngjae blinked. Twice, as if he couldn’t fully process what was happening before him. “I want to remember everything. So please…don’t let me think that I’m surrounded by bad people.”

It was as if the entire room had fallen silent with him. The only sound that could be heard was the sound his sneakers emitted when they made contact with the floor. He steadily made his way out of the center, out of any last thoughts of doubt …and found Youngjae.

He stopped when they stood close, almost too close.

Youngjae looked dumbfounded and Daehyun smiled at that. “No one ever told you that the look doesn’t really suit you?” But his smile fell when he noticed Youngjae’s clumsily bandaged hand. Daehyun instinctively reached out for it and held it gently in his. “Does it hurt a lot?” he asked, his voice filled with nothing but concern and affection.

Youngjae pulled his hand back and attempted to hide it behind his back. The hurt boy would for a moment say that he was successful. But then Daehyun brought both hands up to tenderly hold his face between them and Youngjae found himself light-headed, all fuzzy and warm.

“Don’t do that,” Daehyun said softly as his face inched closer. “You no longer have any right to hide from me,” he stared straight into Youngjae’s chocolate brown orbs. “I’m finally not afraid. So from now on…stay in my sights.”

Daehyun closed his eyes and leaned in, pressed his lips tentatively against Youngjae’s. His eyes fluttered open as he pulled back and suddenly shyness washed over him. Youngjae was staring back at him through big round eyes, an expression he found utterly adorable. So Daehyun smiled, all fondly and foolish before he leaned in again, he tilted his head to the side and their lips molded perfectly together.

The kiss whispered the reply Daehyun was finally able to say…  

‘I love you too.’

The silent words carried across the room, like a free wind dancing before widened eyes of countless of people. They moved along the sounds of hitched breaths and gasps of bewilderment all the while conveying a message Daehyun knew many of them were unable to understand. But someday…someday maybe they will.

Youngjae smiled against his lips.

And everything just felt so damn right.

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Hi, it's been a while since I updated. But exams are over and Easter break flew by like a rocket.

I hope this chapter wasn't too messy or confusing.

The story is wrapping up, only one more chapter to go ^^

I still can't believe that something I write can have 200+ subscribers. It's like insanity on a whole new level!

Thank you for wanting to read my story ♥

The poster is done by Yellowfluffball, isn't it beautiful? *_*

Ivy